Survivor Stories

by J P Barnaby

  “Want me to drive over to the quad? Then we won’t have to get out of the car, and we’d have a front row seat,” his mother said in a conspiratorial whisper. His bubble of laughter turned quickly into a sob, and a tear fell before he could stop it. With a concentrated effort, he sucked one long breath in and let it out, and then another. When he no longer felt like he would suffocate in the stagnant air of his mother’s shiny red car, he turned his head in her direction.

  “Yep, let’s do it,” he whispered back, and she smiled. Moving slowly not to startle him, she gave him a tender kiss on the forehead.

  “Let’s go watch your boyfriend graduate. It won’t be too much longer before we’re hiding out in the living room, eating popcorn and watching a movie while the rest of your class graduates.”

  She squeezed his knee, and he forced a smile, thankful she understood how he could never stand up on the stage and do it himself, and even more thankful that she wouldn’t be disappointed when he didn’t.

  They climbed out of the car, and Michelle walked a little bit in front of Aaron to shield him from the milling crowd. He got jostled, but a combination of determination and medication helped him through until they could see the statue looming ahead. Spencer stood on one of the square foundation pieces looking above the crowd for Aaron. He always looked out for Aaron, and it warmed Aaron’s soul.

  “Hey.,” Spencer called as soon as their eyes met over his mother’s shoulder. He hopped down from his perch and landed just a few feet in front of Aaron, who smiled. Moving with deliberate slowness, Spencer bridged the gap between them and touched Aaron’s face. The rest of the waiting crowd melted away, and for an instant, only the two of them existed. Then Aaron was bumped from behind, and the tranquility of that perfect moment vanished in diluted panic while Spencer wrapped him tighter in his arms.

  “Okay?” he whispered against Aaron’s cheek. Aaron’s hands shook against Spencer’s back, but he murmured against the warm skin of Spencer’s throat that he was fine, though he forgot Spencer couldn’t hear him. For just a second, he considered telling Spencer about the drugs in his system but then decided against it. He didn’t want his boyfriend to worry as he stood on the stage for that monumental accomplishment. Instead, he simply clung to Spencer for just a moment too long.

  “Dad., I. Think. You. Should. Take. Aaron. And. His. Mom. To. Find. Nell.,” Spencer said without letting go of Aaron. Out of the corner of his eye, Aaron saw a look between them, so full of meaning it could have spilled over and pooled on the perfectly swept sidewalk. He couldn’t make himself worry about it right then. Spencer let a long kiss linger on Aaron’s forehead before he relinquished his hold. Positioning Aaron between them, Michelle and Dr. Thomas fought the growing crowd, a swell of humanity which surrounded and nearly swallowed them.

  Senses dulled, Aaron still picked out random faces in the crowd, searching for the bridge of a nose, the sneer on a mouth, the curve of an ear, anything that seemed too familiar. Even five years later, Aaron still looked for even just the memory of them around every corner. Thankfully, he never found them, but he looked nonetheless.

  Dr. Thomas led them over to the wide, open quad where what looked like a million white folding chairs had been set up in anticipation of proud family and friends. The front rows of chairs were nearly full, save for a few near the end of the row, where a woman sat alone. Dr. Thomas headed up the aisle toward her just as she turned to scan the crowd. When her eyes landed on the good doctor, she smiled. Aaron waited for everyone else to file into the row and then sat beside them.

  So far, so good.

  “Aaron, this is my sister-in-law, Nell. Nell, this is Spencer’s boyfriend, Aaron,” Dr. Thomas barked over the din of the milling crowd. Nell leaned forward, and Aaron noticed she had the same eyes as Spencer, bright, hazel, and brimming with kindness. Without attempting to touch Aaron, she merely studied him for a moment.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Aaron. I have to say, Spencer’s description of you was dead on,” she said with a small smile playing around her lips. Aaron tried not to think of what kind of horrors Spencer had described, but she simply said, “You are adorable.”

  Michelle laughed, but Aaron just sat there staring at her before the manners his mother tried to etch into his soul kicked in and he thanked her. The second pill made him slow and groggy but stable as he waited for the ceremony to start. Dr. Thomas had sat on the far side of Nell, leaving her to sit by Aaron’s mother, with Aaron on the other side.

  “Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

  Aaron’s head jerked around to his left, where an elderly woman, oxygen tank attached to an ancient walker, stood next to an even more ancient-looking man. Even through the drugs, his heart slammed against his ribs, and he found himself unable to speak. Aaron looked helplessly at his mother, who took charge as she always did.

  “Henry, would you come sit next to Aaron and let these nice people have those seats next to Nell?”

  Dr. Thomas stood quickly. To her credit, Nell didn’t even look curious when he stepped in front of her, and then Michelle, and then Aaron to take the vacant seat. The old woman and her husband backed up and walked around the front row of seats to come up the aisle from their right and sit next to Nell. Aaron was so stupid. Of course the graduation would be pretty much standing room only. That was why Nell had saved them seats to begin with. He couldn’t believe he’d taken the seat on the end to sit next to a stranger. What the fuck was wrong with him?

  Neither his mother nor Dr. Thomas said anything else about it, and the women resumed their chat about some actress and her soon-to-be ex-husband. Aaron tuned them out and watched the seats in front of theirs fill up while Dr. Thomas played with his phone. Since he didn’t have any reason to talk, he simply sat, feeling the sun beating on his face. It took another half an hour for them to start the ceremony with the English department and their alphabetical list of graduates.

  Two hundred and fifty-six students later, Aaron’s eyes drooped, and his brain slogged through the alphabet. He couldn’t remember if McDonald came before or after Marshall and just didn’t fucking care. If the kid behind him didn’t stop kicking the back of his goddamned chair, he was going to turn around and give him the scare of his life. Hey, kid, you know how I got this scar? By kicking the back of some guy’s chair. He didn’t, but he seriously considered it. As if his mother had someone how heard his thoughts, she put a hand on his leg.

  “They’re getting close. Look.”

  He followed her gaze and saw Spencer queued up next to the stage, waiting for his turn. He looked uncomfortable in the cap and gown, especially since it covered his shirt, tie, and dress pants, in the unseasonable early June warmth. Aaron watched him swipe his sleeve across his forehead. He looked as uncomfortable as Aaron felt. The next guy went up as they called someone named Taylor. Then another, and then another, until finally, finally Aaron heard the name for which he’d been waiting hours.

  “Spencer Thomas,” a disembodied voice read over the shoddy speaker, and Aaron sat up sharply in his seat. A woman Aaron didn’t know tapped Spencer on the shoulder as he stood in line on the side of the stage and pointed up the stairs. He stumbled up the first step but caught himself on the railing. Aaron could imagine that his legs were numb from fear and anticipation, much as Aaron’s would have been. By the time Spencer reached the stage, all appearances of fear were gone. His back was straight, his head held high, and a wan smile replaced the nervous biting of his bottom lip. After striding those last few steps to where the dean stood with the piece of paper that probably cost ten bucks to make but would mean the world to Spencer’s future, Spencer held his hand out to take it. He shook the dean’s hand, moved toward the other side of the stage, and it was over. After hours of panic, drugs, and a tightness in his stomach Aaron didn’t think he’d ever quite get rid of, the entire event lasted less than ninety seconds.

  But Spencer wasn’t the only one who had reason to be proud. Aaron had lasted the day, bested his f
ear, and watched one of the most important people in his life fulfill his dream. As Spencer walked down the stairs on the side of the stage farthest from them, he turned and looked straight at Aaron. How he’d found him in the crowd, Aaron had no idea, but he smiled—that secretive, beautiful smile he kept just for Aaron—and Aaron knew they’d just crossed another milestone.

  Together.

  Two

  Mr. Downing,

  Good afternoon. My name is Eric Stancel, and I am the Senior Development Lead for Voyager Technologies here in Chicago. We at Voyager are very impressed with the clean interface and streamlined design of your web software Spaaron and would like to discuss various opportunities we can offer you.

  At your earliest convenience, please give me a call at the number below and we can talk about your future with Voyager Tech.

  Thank you,

  Eric Stancel

  Senior Development Lead

  Voyager Technologies

  Ahead of the curve, one technology at a time.

  Aaron read the message again. So elegant and to the point, it underscored everything wrong with him. He deleted it, shoving it from his mind and into the trash folder of his e-mail. Then without another thought, he crawled back into bed with his book.

  Three

  Mr. Thomas,

  Good afternoon. My name is Eric Stancel, and I am the Senior Development Lead for Voyager Technologies here in Chicago. We at Voyager are very impressed with the clean interface and streamlined design of your web software Spaaron and would like to discuss various opportunities we can offer you.

  At your earliest convenience, please give me a call at the number below and we can talk about your future with Voyager Tech.

  Thank you,

  Eric Stancel

  Senior Development Lead

  Voyager Technologies

  Ahead of the curve, one technology at a time.

  Spencer’s heart slammed in his chest. Opportunities? What did that mean? A job offer? Buying them out? He had only graduated college with his associate’s the month before. He and Aaron had decided not to take summer classes and work on Spaaron instead. Spencer was glad they had; now they had an offer of… something. Had to be a job offer, just the way he’d worded it. He wanted to talk about Spencer’s future with Voyager Tech. He’d planned to continue with his bachelor’s degree, but maybe he could work during the day and finish his degree at night. God, he had to tell his dad. He had to tell Aaron. Had Aaron gotten the same e-mail? It would be so cool to work with Aaron. They could get a place together in the city.

  Spencer stood up, ready to grab the car keys and head to Aaron’s to talk to him about it.

  Before he reached his bedroom door, the image of Aaron’s tortured face flashed across his mind. He could still remember every detail about the day Dr. Mayer asked Aaron to TA for him. Aaron’s terrified expression as he fled, the collision with the other student, Aaron going down, and of course the haunted look in his eyes when he said all he could see was the blood. A full-body shiver raced through Spencer as he remembered the cold emptiness in Aaron’s eyes. He would never take a job, much less one that took him away from his home, his parents, and his security. Spencer’s heart stopped its excited slamming against the inside of his chest and sank right down to his feet as he analyzed the implications of the e-mail. If he took the job, depending where the office was, he might have to move. He didn’t think he could commute two or three hours a day, work, and finish school. ITM had Internet-based courses; he could live downtown and still finish his degree.

  The decision came down to staying with Aaron or starting his life.

  With two weary steps, he was back at his bed, sinking down onto the pillow-top mattress. He couldn’t stop the next thought from forming, the one that said slowly and clearly that his life had been in a holding pattern for the last three years. He’d gotten his first degree, yes, but Spencer couldn’t remember the last time he’d just gone out and let loose. His twenty-first birthday had been just weeks before, and he hadn’t even gone to a bar to celebrate. All of his old friends from high school had moved on. He’d isolated himself, insulating him and Aaron from the rest of the world without even realizing it.

  Spencer hadn’t exactly been a party animal in school, but he had gone out. He and his friends, especially the guys in the deaf program, would do something a couple times a week. Since he met Aaron, he’d turned into kind of a hermit. They either stayed at Aaron’s house or at Spencer’s. They never went to the movies or the mall or played paintball, any of the things he used to do with his other friends. Three years had changed a lot of things about Spencer, not all of them for the better.

  Movement out of the corner of his eye caught Spencer’s attention, and he looked up to see his father framed in the doorway of his bedroom. His father wore a button-down shirt and jeans, causing Spencer to wonder if they had plans.

  “Were we supposed to be going somewhere?” Spencer asked as he pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the calendar. With it being summer and him being a hermit, there wasn’t much on his agenda. Going out to dinner or to his dad’s AA meeting with him would have rung a bell.

  “No, I am going out. I wanted to see if Aaron was staying over. I did not want to startle him if I came in late.” His father shifted his weight from one foot to the other. It was a nervous gesture, something uncharacteristic of his normally unshakable father.

  “Hot date?” Spencer laughed at his own joke, but then his father flushed. The coloring was subtle. Had he not been watching his father, Spencer wouldn’t have noticed. “Oh my God, you do have a date! Where did you meet her?” He hadn’t dated anyone since Spencer’s mother died, over twenty years before. Spencer didn’t know if his father was afraid of a bad reaction from him or maybe from Aunt Nell. He’d never asked.

  “You know we are putting together a conference here in Chicago on extreme sexual trauma. The one I’m taking Aaron to. The conference was her idea. I was not looking to meet someone. It just happened.” His father still looked distinctly uncomfortable.

  “That is great, Dad. It is about time you started seeing someone. Nell and I thought you had taken a vow of chastity.” Spencer snorted.

  “You think Nell will be okay with it?”

  “Yeah, she understands. You cannot mourn Mom forever. I want you to be happy, and so does Nell.” Spencer crawled off the bed, and in two long strides, he stood at the door giving his father a one-armed straight-guy hug. When he backed up, his father touched his fingers to his chin.

  “I. Wish. We. Had. Talked. About. It. Sooner… I. Did. Not. Know. You. Were. Worried. I. Would. Be. Upset… I. Am. Not.” Spencer gave his father another hug. Briefly, Spencer considered telling him about the e-mail from Voyager Tech, but decided to see what the company offered before discussing it with his father. He didn’t want to talk in hypotheticals and abstracts.

  “So, is Aaron staying here tonight?” his father asked as he straightened his shirt from the hug. Spencer watched him push his glasses up his nose and check the mirror reflection. Holding back the dozens of ribbing comments that flashed through his head proved to be almost painful for Spencer, but he didn’t want to discourage his father’s first real date in twenty years.

  “No. We do not have plans until the weekend.”

  “You are going to be home alone?” His father frowned, and while Spencer was pretty sure an invitation danced on the tip of his tongue, Spencer saved him.

  “Yeah, but I will be working on the software. I will not even notice you are gone.”

  “Okay, I’ll be in that conference in St. Louis this weekend. I’m glad he’ll be here to keep you company.”

  “We will be fine.”

  “I know,” his father said as he turned back toward the hall. Spencer grinned even as the words came out of his mouth.

  “Do. Not. Forget. The. Condoms… I. Do. Not. Need. A. Little. Brother.” A horrified expression crossed his father’s face before he fled down the hall. Spencer gue
ssed his laugh resonated through his bedroom, though no one remained to hear it. Picking up his laptop, he decided to return Mr. Stancel’s e-mail.

  Mr. Stancel,

  Thank you for your e-mail. I am interested to find out what kind of opportunities you are talking about. I am deaf, so e-mail or chat would be my preferred methods of communication. Please feel free to add me to chat here or Skype with this e-mail address. I’m not sure if you also contacted my partner, Aaron, but I can relay any information to him as well.

  I look forward to speaking with you,

  Spencer Thomas

  SPENCER DIDN’T expect to hear from Voyager right away, but the next morning when he rolled over in his bed, alone again, he found a response waiting in his inbox. Stancel, or Eric, as he’d signed this new e-mail, wanted to chat over Skype—video, like a first interview, but typing instead of speaking. As long as he didn’t have to talk or try to decipher what his potential boss said by trying to read his lips on a video delay, he’d be okay. He didn’t want to appear incompetent or anything. He had a shot at a real programming job with an associate’s when the market had started demanding a bachelor’s and a few years’ experience.

  Eric wanted to talk around nine. A quick glance at the top of his phone showed it to be only seven thirty, which gave him lots of time to shower and find a shirt that made him look kind of respectable. The next e-mail in the list was from Nell, a link to a YouTube video, probably something stupid. She had the same slapstick kind of sense of humor he did. It was one of the reasons they got along so well. Without clicking on the link to play the video, he responded to her e-mail, telling her about Eric’s offer and his video meeting later that morning. He promised he’d let her know what happened. Nothing from Aaron, but that wasn’t unusual. Aaron wasn’t much of a talker. Spencer generally got e-mails from Aaron when he was coding and wrote a cool function or had trouble debugging something. Aaron had sent a few articles to new and emerging technologies in the .Net framework, but this morning, nothing.