Survivor Stories

by J P Barnaby

  [Clare] Just come out to lunch with us. Don’t make me sic Eric on you.

  [Spencer] God, anything but Eric. Fine.

  Spencer caught movement out of the corner of his eye and turned just in time to catch the stress ball Clare launched at him. It helped, and he laughed. Fears about Aaron, worry about their future, and his homesickness eased in the camaraderie. Clare had a great personality and really gave him no option but to be friends. For technical matters relating to the project, he supposed she reported to him, but their team didn’t really force that hierarchy. They were friends working on code, just like he’d always been with Aaron. He liked it that way. Let Eric be the boss.

  Spencer answered an e-mail from Nell in his personal account asking about Dad and the new girlfriend. Since he didn’t know anything, he didn’t really have anything to tell her. Things were progressing quickly in every area of his life, and he tried desperately to keep up. He’d just finished applying a fix to a wayward input validation glitch when his IM window popped up again, only it wasn’t Clare.

  [Aaron] You there?

  [Spencer] For you? Always.

  [Aaron] How’s work?

  [Spencer] Good. Just fixed an integration bug, and now I’m moving on to a different screen to test. How’s school?

  [Aaron] I’m in lab right now, but I finished the assignment in about fifteen minutes.

  [Spencer] Didn’t you drive?

  [Aaron] No, Mom needed the car to take my grandmother to the doctor, and my next class starts at 11:00.

  [Spencer] So there’s no point going home, yeah, that happened to me a few times.

  [Aaron] I have a session with your dad tonight. The prosecutor called this morning, and they are ready to file an indictment. I don’t know exactly what that means, but they may start looking at a date for the trial.

  [Spencer] How do you feel about that?

  [Aaron] I’m trying not to.

  [Spencer] It’s going to be okay, Aaron. What does Dad say?

  [Aaron] He thinks I can do it if I desensitize myself to what I have to say and if I have support.

  [Spencer] We’re all right here, Aaron.

  [Aaron] Yeah.

  Aaron’s name disappeared from his chat list, and Spencer sighed. Closing the chat program effectively meant hanging up on Spencer. He hated when Aaron did that, but Aaron just got to a point when he couldn’t do it anymore. When something got to be too much for Aaron, he turned everything off. Landing the job with Voyager couldn’t have come at a worse time because he wanted to be there for Aaron while he got ready to testify. Spencer had to trust that his father would get Aaron through it. He closed his eyes against the pain building in his chest.

  A hand on his shoulder startled him, and Spencer turned around.

  “Ready for lunch?” Clare asked. She stood with a light jacket in one hand and a notebook in the other. While he read lips well, it would be easier for him to communicate on paper in a crowded, noisy restaurant. Clare hadn’t even blinked about having a deaf coworker. She just did whatever she thought would make Spencer more comfortable. In meetings, at lunch, wherever he interacted with other people, she thought of his needs too.

  “Thank. You. So. Much. For. Welcoming. Me. Like. You. Have… You. Always. Think. Of. What. Would. Make. Things. Easier. For. Me… I. Really. Appreciate. That., Clare.,” Spencer said, but she shrugged him off like it was no big deal and walked with him to the elevators where Eric and Paul waited for them. The guys waved when they approached, and they all headed down to the lobby together.

  Lou’s, a pizza place over the river from their building, had great Chicago deep-dish pizza and a décor any sports bar would envy. Not that Spencer really noticed. He’d never been much for sports, but it made for a friendly, casual atmosphere. Lots of places in the city were all about seeing and being seen, being ultra-chic. No one in their little ragtag group of geeks cared much about that. They just wanted great food, good friends, and maybe a new gadget or two to play with on their off hours.

  As usual on a Tuesday, they didn’t have to wait for a table, so the hostess escorted them to a booth in the back. Spencer and Clare took one side of the booth while Paul and Eric sat on the other. He caught a few words as the others talked about the project, Big Bang Theory, and Paul’s most recent date, which seemed to have been kind of a disaster.

  Want to talk about it?

  Clare slid the tiny pocket-sized notebook next to his plate. He didn’t know if he wanted to talk about it. Clare talked about her few and far between dates. Having a toddler didn’t really give her many repeat dates. Eric had a steady boyfriend, but Paul went out almost every weekend with a different girl. Love lives seemed to be fodder in their department, but Aaron was such a private person. He wouldn’t appreciate Spencer talking about their problems to one of his coworkers, even though she’d started to become a great friend. On the other hand, Spencer didn’t have many friends he could talk to, and maybe someone else could give him a little perspective.

  My boyfriend isn’t cool with my new job or me moving downtown.

  Spencer slid the notebook back across the table and picked up the menu. Clare had already ordered him a Diet Coke, and he thought he’d go with the lunch special pizza. They had great pizza.

  That’s the guy who wrote Spaaron with you, right? Aaron something? Why didn’t he come with you? Oh, and what do you want to order?

  He wished it were that simple. Pulling the notebook a little closer so Paul wouldn’t see, he answered.

  Aaron has some problems dealing with people. He wouldn’t have been able to work in the office. I think I want the pepperoni lunch special. Salad with house.

  The waitress came back a minute later and took their order, Clare ordering for Spencer, who felt like a little kid at the grown-ups’ table. He always felt that way when someone else ordered for him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t do it himself, but it was just easier to let someone else do it.

  Is he threatening to break up with you or something? How long have you been together?

  He took the notebook back and thought for a moment.

  We’ve been together almost three years. And no, he’s just upset, and I don’t like for him to be upset. Plus he, well, he has to testify at a trial, and that’s upsetting him. No, upsetting isn’t the word. It’s devastating for him, and I hate that I can’t be there while he works with his therapist to try and get ready for it.

  That was really the crux of it. He wanted to be there for Aaron while he worked through shit for the trial. His father didn’t even know if Aaron would be able to testify, it would be that stressful. Deep down, the fear that Aaron would take his own life ate at him. Aaron had talked about it years ago, but since then, they’d been more or less happy… until Spencer abandoned him.

  Was he the victim?

  Spencer turned to meet Clare’s gaze. He nodded. Her horrified expression really said it all. After a moment it cleared, and she smiled. With her face still turned to Spencer, she told Paul and Eric they should go out as a group that weekend and blow off steam from the project. Paul, who always seemed game to go out, said he’d go. Eric caught the expression on Clare’s face and agreed right away.

  “Sweet, then Friday night we’ll go out for dinner and then head up to Boystown for a night of hot boys and dancing.” She smirked at the horrified expression on Paul’s paling face. Spencer started to protest, but Clare just put a hand on his arm. She wanted to take him out to have a little fun, and really, he kind of wanted to go. He’d never been to a gay club before, and surrounded by friends, he thought maybe it would be fun.

  AARON SAT on his bed, his laptop pushed onto the open space next to him as he stared at the blank expanse of wall. He hadn’t taken anything, not yet, but he wanted to so badly he could almost taste it. The numbness would take the edge off the horror he felt every time he thought about taking the stand, facing the men who’d destroyed him, and outlining everything they did to him, everything they made him do. Each time he imagin
ed it, Spencer’s horrified face in the crowd made bile rise in his throat. He could see the horror turning to disgust and Spencer walking away from him forever.

  Ding

  Aaron rolled onto his side and pulled the phone from his pocket.

  [Jordan] What do you call it when a blond dies his hair brown?

  With a sigh, he hit reply and typed:

  [Aaron] AI

  One of the few blond jokes he could remember from the time when he had been human, the answer came back to him instantly. He just wasn’t in the mood to play right then. The session with Dr. Thomas had been brutal. Aaron had spent the entire afternoon reciting over and over how the men had stripped him naked. God, Dr. Thomas might as well have poured acid on his soul, stripping it raw. By the time the afternoon ended, he could get through it without wanting to vomit, but everything in his head floated so near the surface. He felt so incredibly vulnerable.

  [Jordan] Why did the blond cross the road?

  [Aaron] Seriously, I’m not in the mood.

  [Jordan] Are you okay?

  [Aaron] No.

  The phone ringing a few minutes later surprised him. Spencer never called. He had no reason to. His mom didn’t either, plus she’d dropped Anthony off at some party on her way to see their grandmother. Aaron checked the display and saw the call came from Jordan. It took another ring for him to decide to answer it.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey.” Jordan’s voice came across the line, soft, and with just a little too much understanding infused into that single word.

  “Hey.” Aaron wanted to tell Jordan he didn’t have to call, but he couldn’t. His heart ached from the loneliness. For almost three years, Spencer had been a constant in his day. No matter what happened, he could send a text and Spencer would come. Since Spencer had moved downtown, texting him frustrated Aaron. He hated having lengthy conversations typed on a tiny keyboard without Spencer’s arms around him, without the steady thrum of Spencer’s heart beneath his cheek.

  “Want to go to the movies? We can go watch something where shit gets blown up. That’s always fun.”

  “I don’t do well around people.”

  “Any people or specific people?”

  “Most people.”

  “Okay, so a movie is out. How about we just talk?” Jordan asked as Aaron lay back against the pillows and closed his eyes.

  He couldn’t talk to Spencer on the phone, and he really wanted to talk to someone—not about the trial, but just to stem the gnawing emptiness inside him. His mother hadn’t been home in days, and his father spent his nights preparing lengthy contracts for a client. If Anthony wasn’t holed up in his room, he’d gone to his friend Chase’s. Aaron missed being able to hop in the car and go to Spencer’s like that.

  “About what?” Aaron made sure to keep his voice open so Jordan knew he wanted to talk but needed a subject.

  “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

  “I have two younger brothers, Allen and Anthony. Allen is a freshman at Purdue, and Anthony is a freshman in high school.” He missed Allen more than he could say. They’d had a couple of texts back and forth and one Skype call since he’d left for Purdue. Allen understood him; he’d always understood him. God, he wished he could sit and talk to Allen about the trial. But he too had left Aaron.

  “It was just me and Dylan, and now it’s just me. Then my parents split up after the shooting, and it’s been just me and Mom ever since. I mean, I see my dad sometimes, but I think seeing me reminds him of Dylan, and he can’t handle it. Shit, none of us fucking handle it….” Jordan trailed off.

  “Jordan, did something happen?”

  “Nah, it’s just…. It’s our birthday today, and that’s always hard.”

  “Oh, man. Well, happy…. God, do I even say it?” At a loss for words, Aaron stopped talking. He didn’t much care about his birthday, but to have it associated with the worst fucking thing that ever happened to you—Jesus.

  “Yeah, exactly.” The devastation in Jordan’s voice tore at Aaron. For weeks they’d had a light, easy friendship, bonding over blond jokes and panic triggers. He couldn’t stand to hear it, and the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

  “Why don’t you come over here and we can watch a movie?”

  “Really? Your folks won’t mind?” Hope. Need. Longing.

  “No, my parents want me to make new friends. Plus, I doubt they’re even here.”

  “I… I’d love that. What’s your address?”

  Aaron recited his address to Jordan, who said he’d be there in about fifteen minutes.

  “There’s just… I have to tell you. I have… scars,” Aaron muttered into the phone, almost too quietly for anyone but him to hear.

  “We all have scars, Aaron.”

  Aaron stayed quiet for several minutes, trying to decide if he could let Jordan see his scars. He could just tell his new friend to stay home. Alone. On his birthday.

  “Can you make it half an hour? I really need a shower.”

  TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES later, Aaron sat on the couch alone in the family room, water dripping from his hair down the back of his damp T-shirt. In the preceding ten minutes, he’d stood, sat, straightened the cushions, checked to make sure they had pop, surveyed their snack situation, and peeked out the curtains more times than he could count. He had no idea why his nerves were so on edge. Maybe it was the prospect of meeting a stranger, but Jordan wasn’t a stranger. Jordan had become a friend.

  At a knock on the door, he shot off the couch and made himself take a breath before he went into the front room. Since he was the only one home, no one else would answer it. When he reached the little square of parquet floor, Aaron could see Jordan’s silhouette behind the frosted glass and froze. Jesus, he was home alone. Why the fuck did he think opening the door for a stranger would be a good idea?

  Jordan knocked again, and then his phone dinged with a text.

  [Jordan] I promise, I don’t have an ax.

  Aaron rolled his eyes, and the block of ice frozen around him melted enough for him to take a breath. And then another. And then finally reach his hand out and grab the knob. One more breath and he could turn the knob. The door swung open, and Aaron looked up at Jordan, who stood at least six feet tall. He had dark blond hair hanging down into his eyes in front but curling in the back just enough for it to look artfully messy. It took a long moment for Aaron to look away from his eyes, which were kind and a little apprehensive. Attractive and light skinned, he appeared even paler against the black Spider-Man T-shirt he wore.

  “Hi.” Jordan’s voice startled Aaron out of his thoughts, and he stepped to the side to let his new friend come through the door.

  “Hi.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he simply led Jordan through the front room and the kitchen and into the family room.

  “Wow, I love the setup,” Jordan said as he looked around at the room with the leather chairs and flat panel television mounted on the wall. Under the television sat the entertainment center, with built-in electric fireplace, which housed their DVD player, movies, gaming systems, and games.

  “Thanks. Hey, I was going to throw in some little pizza bagel things. Are you hungry?” Aaron asked.

  “Sure, that sounds great. What did you want to watch?”

  “Anything without blood and gore. We’ve got Coke, Sprite, and I think maybe some orange pop, but I’ll have to check.”

  “Coke is good.”

  “Okay, pick out a movie, and I’ll be back in a minute.”

  Aaron went into the kitchen. Maybe it was Jordan’s casual air, but for the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel uncomfortable. It took him a few minutes to get the food into the oven, and then he grabbed two Cokes from the fridge and took them back into the rec room. Jordan sat on the couch staring at the remote for a second, and then he pointed it at the television, and after a warning or two about the evils of DVD piracy, faint strains of Harry Potter drifted through the room.
r />   “I love this movie,” Aaron said with a laugh.

  “Well, I don’t like guns, and I’m sure there are things you don’t like, so I thought Harry Potter would be a safe bet.”

  Aaron didn’t answer. Yeah, there were things he didn’t like: blood, storms, and sex at the top of the list, but a kid’s movie, maybe he could handle. Spencer always wanted to push the boundaries with movies they watched together, just a little more violence, just a little more blood. Trust wasn’t easy for Aaron, so he liked that Jordan didn’t go anywhere near the edges of his comfort zone.

  Aaron grabbed the pizza bagels out of the oven, and they sat in silence for a while as the movie started. Harry had found out he was a wizard and got whisked away from his horrible life with the Dursleys. Too bad life didn’t really give us what we wanted that easily. They’d just gotten to Platform 9 ¾ and met up with the Weasleys when something occurred to Aaron.

  “Your brother, were you identical twins?”

  “Yeah,” Jordan said as he popped another piece into his mouth. Around the bagel, he continued, “We bign’t bress awike, doh.”

  “I’m sorry?” Aaron asked, laughing and nearly shooting Coke through his nose. Jordan swallowed and tried again.

  “I said we didn’t dress alike. You know how some twins try to look exactly the same? We never did that. I liked being a twin, we were closer than two people could be, but I still wanted to be me. You know?”

  He didn’t know exactly, but with two brothers, he could guess.

  “And then he was gone, and my dad left, and my whole family imploded. If I’d just gotten to him, maybe I could have helped him, but I froze. I left him bleeding to death on the floor while I hid in a bathroom with a bunch of girls.”

  “As a guy who has lain bleeding to death on a cold concrete floor, I can tell you it wouldn’t have mattered. He still would have felt scared and alone. And someone shot him, Jordan. You were a kid, you couldn’t have stopped the blood, no matter what you see on television.” Aaron stood up and took their dishes into the kitchen to give him a little distance. His heart slammed against his ribs in an unpleasant way as an image of his own blood pooling on the garage floor exploded through his head with such clarity he saw little else. Aaron grabbed the counter to stop the room from spinning.