Survivor Stories

by J P Barnaby

“When I got back, after the army found me and returned me to my parents, it took a long time for me to adjust, but I did. I fell in love with someone, and I’m able to have a relationship. We make love without my rapist looking over my shoulder. I can’t say that I’m normal, because I will never be normal, but I function. And I have far more good days than bad now.”

  Aaron’s skin prickled with awareness, and he shivered. God, he wanted that. He wanted that so much. The guy might as well have been promising eternal youth or to make a paraplegic walk again.

  “So, I had this speech all prepared to give…. David and I went over it for hours, but now that I stand up here in front of you, and I see that haunted look staring back at me again and again…. God, I’ve seen that look so often in the mirror over the last ten years, it’s permanently burned into my mind. I just… I want to help. I wish I knew how. Damn it, I don’t know why he put me up here.” Zach Tyler put his hands on either side of the podium and dropped his head for a long moment. He took a deep breath, visible even from where Aaron and Spencer sat in the back holding hands.

  Then he looked up again, not at the audience, but at the wall in the back of the room. He stared at it and seemed to be collecting his thoughts.

  “I don’t have a magic pill or some perfect steps you can take to make you better. I can only tell you what I did. I can only tell you what made me better, and maybe you can use it to make shit not so bad.”

  Spencer’s hand tightened on Aaron’s, and he turned.

  “I love you,” Spencer mouthed, and Aaron’s breath caught in his throat. He knew it was true of course. Nothing had changed because of their separation. Aaron’s heart beat for Spencer, just like it had for the last three years, but for him to say it right when Aaron needed to hear it, that meant everything.

  “I love you, Spencer, so much,” Aaron whispered, his eyes holding Spencer’s.

  Zach Tyler spent the next hour talking about being in therapy seven days a week for years so he could function. He talked about how supportive his parents and boyfriend were. Then he spent a long time talking about structuring his life in order to take back his control. He went to MIT and wanted to go on to graduate school, because those were things he could control. He wanted to move in with his boyfriend and out of his parents’ house because it was something he could control. Those steps in his life led to being in a more balanced place. Aaron listened to every word, taking notes on the small pad Spencer had pulled from his pocket. He wanted to put some of the things the guy talked about into practice in his own life. It was one thing for Dr. Thomas to tell him all the things he should be doing. It was another to get those tips from someone whom they’d actually helped.

  The talk ended in an explosion of applause, and Aaron stood up right away, not to get to the next session, but to ask the speaker a question. He pulled on Spencer’s hand, and they made their way to the front of the room where they could barely see the guy’s checkered shirt for the surrounding crowd. People jostled for position, asking questions, trying to get his attention. A tall, slim blond stood at his side, running interference when he needed to but mostly just trying to keep the speaker calm.

  Dr. Thomas appeared at their side with Stephanie.

  “How did it go?” he asked Aaron, who moved forward when a space opened up.

  “It was great. I’d really like to talk to this guy, but I can’t get close enough. Do you know if he’s going to be giving any more talks today?” he asked Dr. Thomas, but Stephanie answered.

  “He isn’t, but give me just a minute. Henry, why don’t you take them into the ballroom next door? It’s empty right now, and I’ll bring Zach in. Dr. Barrett didn’t think he’d handle groups well, so he won’t like being surrounded by people vying for his attention anyway.”

  “Come on, guys.” Dr. Thomas led them back the way they’d come and to the ballroom door. Aaron looked back over his shoulder to see Stephanie talking in Zach Tyler’s ear, but someone stepped in his line of view before he could see if they followed. Spencer’s father made a quick right when they got out into the hall, and they ducked into the empty ballroom marked “B.” He went over to a table set up for one of the events and filled a glass with water. Rather than drinking it himself, he handed it to Aaron.

  Aaron didn’t even ask. He just took a drink from the glass and kept his eyes on the door. It took nearly ten minutes, but finally it opened. Stephanie came through with the speaker and the blond man who had run interference for him. She led them over to where Aaron stood with Spencer and Dr. Thomas.

  “Aaron, this is Zach Tyler and his boyfriend, David.” Stephanie indicated each guy in turn, and they stepped forward to shake hands. It surprised him that he didn’t even hesitate to shake their hands when the thought of shaking Stephanie’s made his palms sweat.

  “Hey, Aaron,” Zach said. “Stephanie said you wanted to talk to me about something?”

  “This is my boyfriend, Spencer,” Aaron said quietly, indicating Spencer. “And yeah, I did have a question for you. I…. God, I don’t….” Spencer put a hand on Aaron’s shoulder.

  “What. Ever. It. Is., It. Was. Important… Just. Ask. Him.,” Spencer said and took a step back to give Aaron space.

  The weight on his chest, binding him, squeezing him, made it hard to think. He took short, quick breaths to get air into his lungs.

  “I was… was… raped and tortured too. Next week, I have to… testify against the men who… I have to talk about it. I don’t know how to… I can’t make the words come out. My best friend, Juliette… they killed her, and I need to get justice for her, and I can’t. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to get through this without losing myself to it. I’m so scared that one day it will get too bad and they’ll send me away. Being a prisoner again….” His heart slammed against his ribs, he could feel it everywhere, in his ears and his throat and his hands. All of a sudden his skin felt stretched over his body, tight and hot.

  “Okay, Aaron, just take a deep breath,” Dr. Thomas said, pushing his son back gently. “Come on, Aaron. One breath. In and out.”

  Aaron’s panic made it nearly impossible, but he sucked air into his lungs. His chest expanded with it, and then he let it out slowly, the way Dr. Thomas had taught him. Then he took another and another until his tunnel vision started to clear.

  “Sorry,” he told them quietly, the heat rising up his throat to his face, flooding his cheeks.

  “Hey, trust me, it’s not a problem,” Zach said and handed him another glass of water. “You have to testify against your attackers, and you’re not sure you’re going to be able to talk about it on the stand. Is that it?”

  “Yes, before the rambling took over.” Aaron took another drink. The water helped. It cooled the hot, tight feeling in his skin. “In the session, you talked about control. How do I stay in control when I talk about it?”

  Zach met Aaron’s gaze and held it for a long time. Spencer shifted beside Aaron but didn’t move. The silence didn’t feel awkward, but more like they were on the edge of a cliff waiting to take a plunge off the side. Then he ran a hand through his mop of black hair and let out a breath.

  “I didn’t talk about this in the session because I never really talk about it. You are going into that courtroom to take back your control, Aaron. And you know how you’re going to do it? You are going to say the words that put those men in prison. I know, because when I really took control, the very first moment I had it back in my hands, was the moment I killed my captor. They said it was impossible, what I did, but I strangled him with the dog leash he kept me on. I didn’t do it because I hated him, although I did hate him. I did it so that, either way, it would end. I took control of my situation, of my future, and made a decision for myself. It took me five years. How long has it been since your attack?”

  “Five years,” Aaron whispered.

  “It’s time you took your power back from them, Aaron. Don’t testify to get justice for your dead friend. That’s a great reason to do it, but it won�
�t help you sit there hour after hour talking about the horror you lived. It won’t make you sit brave and tall in front of the men who stole your life. I took my control back from Esteban. Take that stand and take your control back. That will give you the power and the strength to say the words.”

  Aaron closed his eyes against the tears welling. One rolled silently down his cheek, and Aaron felt every bit of the wetness that dragged across his skin. Another one streaked faster down the other side of his face, and finally, painfully, he opened his eyes. With two large steps, he threw his arms around Zach, like a child against Zach’s six foot plus frame. It took a moment, but then Aaron felt a hand pat his back, stilted and awkward. He flushed as he pulled back and stepped into Spencer’s arms instead.

  “You are right. I need to take back what they took from me, what I’ve lived without these last five years. Thank you.”

  “It’s your time to shine, Aaron.”

  SPENCER’S HEART lifted at the light rekindling in Aaron’s eyes after his talk with the survivor speaker. He had not wanted to take the day off for the conference, especially being off the whole next week to attend the trial, but his father was worried about Aaron’s mental state. Over the last few weeks, Aaron had withdrawn in sessions. He would do whatever the session required, but only with halfhearted, perfunctory gestures. Though Aaron never said anything about it, Spencer’s father told him he worried about keeping Aaron alive until after the trial. They had daily conversations about it, and Spencer found that even with Aaron’s request, he could not stay away. Aaron needed him, and he would not fail.

  His father sat with them through the next two sessions, and then they had lunch in the hotel restaurant, discussing the effect of psychological trauma on the body and on self-image. They’d just sat through a session on that very subject, and he saw Aaron in some of the case studies the shrink discussed. He hated hearing case after case, being reminded of all the horrible things that happen in the world, and had to leave at one point. The doctor discussed the case of a sexual assault involving a four-year-old girl. He’d had to go out to get a few sodas from the vending machine until the guy finished.

  Spencer came out of that room with a newfound respect for his father.

  After lunch, while his father went to another panel, Spencer sat with Aaron through an interesting discussion on survivor’s guilt. Almost everything they talked about rang true in Aaron. When he glanced over to see Aaron filling out the handout, his heart ached.

  During the traumatic event, I was 75% responsible for what happened because I told Juliette we would be okay walking home and I went up to the van to give the driver directions. Who else is responsible? The men in the van, but if I hadn’t brought us to them, they wouldn’t have hurt us.

  There was an additional writing assignment asking about details of responsibility, like being an innocent bystander or actively participating, awareness levels, thoughtlessness, or lack of morality or skill. It appeared to be a very well-thought-out exercise. Spencer pulled his phone out and brought up a chat with his dad.

  [Spencer] Aaron just did an exercise about survivor’s guilt. He thinks he is responsible for the attack.

  [Dad] Reading over his shoulder?

  [Spencer] He does not talk about it.

  [Dad] We work on that. Is there a handout? Is he writing about it?

  [Spencer] Yeah.

  [Dad] Ask him to bring that to our session tomorrow.

  [Spencer] Ok.

  [Dad] You doing okay? This stuff isn’t easy to sit through.

  [Spencer] I am okay. More worried about him than me.

  [Dad] I know that feeling.

  His chest throbbed with a sharp pain when, after the conference ended for the day, his father dropped him at the apartment and left with Aaron. From that moment, he had ached for Aaron. Spencer missed seeing him, missed chatting online with him, and missed his quirky sense of humor. Most desperately of all, Spencer missed Aaron’s love. He missed holding Aaron’s hand and feeling Aaron’s breath against his neck. He wondered if that guy, Jordan, filled in the gaps, the space around the edges in their relationship, but couldn’t bring himself to ask. Instead he held on to the hope that he still had Aaron’s heart.

  The rest of the week went so fucking slowly he couldn’t stand it. Clare had long gotten tired of his snappy attitude and closed her chat window, so he had to e-mail her when he needed something. Eric and Paul stayed away too. Spencer was a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the explosion of Aaron’s trial.

  On Thursday, they snuck away and had lunch without him. By Friday, Eric suggested maybe he should head out a little early to beat traffic. Spencer had his packed bag in the car, just waiting for five o’clock. He and Aaron would spend Friday and Saturday night together at his father’s house, and then Aaron would spend Sunday night at home with his family, preparing for the trial to start Monday. The prosecutor said he should expect to take the stand either in the afternoon or the following morning. They had several witnesses to lay the groundwork, the defense would have their cross-examinations, but he wanted Aaron’s voice to be the last thing they heard. The prosecutor wanted the jury to be haunted by him.

  He pulled up to Aaron’s house to pick him up two hours early, happy to surprise him. A car he didn’t recognize sat in the driveway, so he pulled up to the curb instead of parking in the drive. A smile raised the corner of his lips when he saw Aaron pass in front of the window and stop. Sunlight shone across his face, and Spencer’s breath caught.

  Then a blond-haired guy stepped in front of the window and put his arms around Aaron, who snuggled into his chest.

  Pain ripped through him and made him stagger on the sidewalk. To see Aaron, his Aaron, in someone else’s arms took his breath away. He turned to head back toward the car but stopped. God, he had to put it into perspective. Aaron wouldn’t fuck around on him because he didn’t even fuck around with him. The trial had made Aaron upset for weeks, and he mentioned Jordan as a good friend. Any good friend might comfort another with a hug. Spencer ignored the imagined image of Jordan kissing Aaron’s forehead because he couldn’t see well enough to know if it had actually happened. No, he needed to go up to the house and talk to Aaron. He hadn’t given up in three years; he certainly wouldn’t start then.

  He banged on the door, and Aaron answered it with that smile meant just for him. Spencer stepped in and pulled Aaron into his arms, keeping one eye on the guy leaning against the living room doorframe. Aaron held tight, almost clinging, for several long minutes of sweet, sunshine-scented peace.

  “I missed you,” Aaron signed.

  “I missed you too. I was making them crazy at work this week, so they suggested I leave early.” Spencer kissed Aaron’s forehead.

  “I was making Jordan crazy too,” Aaron said with a self-deprecating smile as he indicated the blond guy behind him.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Jordan, this is my boyfriend, Spencer,” Aaron said aloud as he rubbed Spencer’s chest with slow strokes of his fingers.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you,” Jordan said with a wave.

  “Talking louder isn’t going to help,” Aaron said, and Spencer smirked while Jordan colored. He played a little with Spencer’s shirt, and Spencer’s heart swelled at the casual interaction.

  “Sorry.” Jordan watched, looking a little uncomfortable.

  Good.

  Mine.

  “We were just talking about the trial,” Aaron told Spencer and laced their fingers together as he pulled Spencer into the living room. They sat side by side on a small sofa while Jordan took a nearby chair.

  “What. About. The. Trial.?”

  “We were just going over some of the tips and stuff your dad gave me. Jordan had a few other things he’d learned to help calm him down too,” Aaron said. “And I’ve been thinking a lot about what Zach Tyler said about taking my power back. I think I’m ready to do that.”

  “That. Is. Great., Aaron….”

  “And I will be right there to s
upport you,” Jordan said. “I already cleared it with my manager.”

  “He. Does. Not. Need. You.,” Spencer barked, and Aaron looked at him.

  “He’s my friend, Spencer.”

  “Is that all he is?” Spencer asked, switching to sign language so that perfect little blond Jordan couldn’t understand.

  “You are jealous? Of Jordan?” Aaron asked, his eyes wide and shocked.

  “When I pulled up, you were in his arms.”

  “He was hugging me because I was upset about the trial. Spencer, he is straight, for God’s sake.”

  “What?” Spencer asked, blinking.

  “Straight, that means he likes girls, not boys.” Aaron’s mouth quirked up into a half smile, and Spencer looked at Jordan, who was looking between them.

  “Oh….” Spencer said aloud.

  “Can we get back to me going to the trial?” Jordan asked.

  “Jordan, I really don’t want you to sit through the trial. There are some things I’m going to have to testify about that I don’t want you to hear. They are things no one should have in their heads, and I won’t want you to think differently about me.”

  “Wait. You don’t want me to be there?”

  “No, I’m sorry. I asked my brothers not to go too. It’s just going to be my parents and Dr. Thomas.”

  “And. Me.,” Spencer said. He tried to make his voice come out hard, and by the look on Aaron’s face, he succeeded.

  “I don’t want you to hear about what they did to me.”

  “I. Am. Going. To. Be. There… I. Took. The. Week. Off. Work….”

  “What if you hear something you can’t handle?” Aaron dropped his gaze to his lap, shame flooding every part of his face. Spencer put a hand on his cheek.

  “I. Will. Love. You., No. Matter. What….”

  “I couldn’t stand it if you walked away from me.”

  “Never….”

  Seventeen

  “ARE YOU ready?” his father asked as they parked in the lot for the administrative building. Spencer fiddled with the tie he wore. He hated it, but if he wanted to be there for Aaron, he had to dress the part. His father looked far more elegant in his perfectly tailored gray pinstripe than Spencer did in his dress pants and white shirt. He didn’t want to deal with the jacket, so he’d left it in the closet. Aaron would be in a full suit, though. He’d shown it to Spencer when they sat up in his room to get away from the rest of the family and their expectations.