Chasing My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  No one understands what I’m going through. Half the time I can’t reconcile why I have these feelings, why the thoughts of my biological mother finding me weighs so heavily on my mind. It’s silly when I think about it. She knows my dad, everyone does. It’s not like she can’t look him up as a way of finding me or even do a search on the web to locate where I am. Maybe it’s because she hasn’t, that I’m feeling this way. I expected a call on my eighteenth birthday, and again on my next. The call never came, neither did an email or letter. I don’t need Alicia Tucker in my life, but part of me wonders why I wasn’t good enough for her to stay around.

  I think my mom gets it. I think she understands why I don’t pursue music professionally. I’m not sure she agrees, though, because it’s her daughter who is pressuring me to join this band. I have to give my sister credit, she knows music. For the few minutes I allowed myself to listen, and not focus on my dad and Ajay, the sound was good, stellar even. And from the looks of it, Dana will do a bang-up job as lead singer. They don’t need me, which is just as well because the band life? It’s not for me.

  Not all is lost though. I attempted to flirt with the cute new waitress at the Bean Song, albeit very poorly. I’m sure my funky mood did nothing to impress her, nor the fact that I was staring at her. Even when she caught me, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to. I sat there, trying to figure out a way to make her smile, and I couldn’t. I’m used to women hitting on me, friends of my sisters. It’s easier for me that way because I don’t have to put myself out there. However, this woman, she wasn’t trying to come on to me, and that was a huge relief.

  Her name tag read Nola, a name I hadn’t heard before, and living here, you hear every name under the sun, which makes me believe she’s definitely not from here though and I like that she’s not trying to fit in. I half expected her to turn up to her shift with a partially shaved head or pink hair. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s from Georgia or one of the Carolinas with the southern vibe I’m picking up from her. There was a few times through the night when she’d slip up and start to call me sir, only to catch herself with a crooked smile, a tilt of her head, and a sweet giggle that left me wondering how I could get her to laugh.

  Throughout the evening, she made sure I had everything I needed without bothering me or being that annoying server who wanted to free up their table. Every so often, I’d catch her looking at me. Sure, she could’ve been looking in my general direction, but I felt her eyes on me, watching me. When I left, I was tempted to leave her my number. The thought was presumptuous and filled me with more doubt. Instead, I left her a hefty tip and second-guessed myself on my way home.

  Words like love, first glances, beating heart, joy, and what her hair looks like in the long braid fill my napkin. None of it makes sense. I’ve never been the romantic guy, the one who expresses his feelings through song or even letters. My sisters didn’t come to me for advice on guys, and my friends definitely never asked me for help with their girlfriends, probably because most were trying to date Elle or Peyton. Yet, everything I’ve written tonight is about falling in love. Something I’ve never done.

  The knock on my door startles me and my pen smudges against the words. I take it as a sign. I’m thinking outside my normal realm and need to reel it in. Nola’s probably an aspiring actress or musician and getting involved doesn’t benefit either of us. I tuck the napkin under one of my magazines before going to the door.

  “Hey, what’re you doing here?”

  “I was in the neighborhood,” Liam says as he steps inside. I shut the door behind him and stand there for a moment. His guitar’s in his hand, meaning he carried it up from the parking lot, which doesn’t really bode well with his excuse.

  “Uh huh.” I head toward the kitchen. “Beer?” I ask.

  “Water.”

  Water, right. Rarely does Liam prefer water over beer, so something’s definitely up. I grab a beer for myself though because I’m going to need it. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s here because of my dad and the stunt I pulled… no, that he pulled earlier today.

  “So, what brings you by?” I hand him the bottle of water and resume my seat on my couch. “Dad send you over to try and convince me to join Elle’s band?”

  Liam shakes his head as he takes a drink. He finishes half the bottle before setting it down on my coffee table, dangerously close to the magazines hiding the napkin with my inner feelings scrawled all over it. The last thing I want is for him to see my scribbled notes and ask me what’s going on.

  “Your dad didn’t say much after you left.”

  “Did he even notice? He was pretty wrapped up in Ajay.”

  “Is that why you left?” he asks.

  I half shake my head and shrug my shoulders. I’m an adult and shouldn’t get jealous, but I am. I don’t know why I never pursued becoming a drummer. I like it, but I like the guitar more.

  “Why leave then? Why not join us?”

  “There wasn’t any room,” I tell him. One quick look at my uncle tells me he thinks I’m full of it. He’s right. There was room. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that the jam session was set up for my benefit.

  “I know what it feels like to be pressured into doing something. My dad…” Liam pauses. “He was relentless in his pursuit to get me to the NFL. I had everything to get there too, but I didn’t want it because it was his dream, his desire. It used to be mine, but at some point, it became too much to handle. The pressure to be perfect exceeded my love for the game.”

  “But you love the game,” I point out.

  “I do.”

  “And now you have Noah immersed in it.”

  He nods. “If he quit, I wouldn’t care as long as he was happy. His happiness is all that matters.”

  “That’s where you and my father differ.”

  Liam leans forward and clasps his hands. “From the day you showed up on his doorstep, you’ve been his priority in life. Everything he’s done was because of you.”

  “Then why can’t he accept that I don’t want to be in Elle’s band?”

  “Good question. I’m wagering a guess that it has something to do with Elle and the fact that you’re an amazing musician and your dad is trying to get you to branch out. It’s not a bad thing, being in a band, and I think he sees how it saved us all.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  Liam clears his throat. “Meeting your dad changed my life. He gave me a family, something I hadn’t had in a long time. With your dad, came your grandmother and aunt. Two women who cared about me and not what I was bringing to the table. When I left Beaumont and everyone behind, it’s because they had these expectations of me that I didn’t think I could meet, and I was afraid of failure. Afraid they’d leave me if I let them down.”

  “I’m not sure what that has to do with me.”

  “I suppose nothing. However, I saw you today. I saw the glint in your eyes, your fingers twitching as if you were playing the guitar. I didn’t know you were being blindsided. JD and I would’ve never gone along with a plan like that. We were invited to jam, and we couldn’t pass it up. You know I’d never pass up a chance to play with you.”

  I try not to smile but to no avail. I do love playing with Liam, and with him living in Beaumont, it doesn’t happen as often as I’d like.

  “What pisses me off was that no one asked me. My dad comes over, under the guise of getting a new bike and taking me for a ride, only to stop at the studio where I’m ambushed.”

  “I think he saw the error of his ways.”

  Liam’s probably right, and maybe if I answered my phone or one of the fifty or so texts he and my mother sent today, I’d hear or see an apology from him. Knowing my mom though, she likely lambasted my dad for doing this. I am, after all, her favorite.

  Liam finishes his bottle of water and I use this as an excuse to get up and grab him another one. I linger in the kitchen, longer than necessary, trying to compose my thoughts. Even if my dad asked, I’m not sure
if I would’ve jammed with them today, but I might have gone to listen. I owe my sister that much.

  “Did you come to town for that impromptu session?”

  Liam shakes his head. “Nope. There’s a wedding planning party going on at your parents. Josie and Paige were coming so I thought I’d tag along.”

  “Wedding, right,” I sigh. My mom’s frantic about the preparations, especially because Peyton hasn’t given her much to go on. “Do we know where they’re getting married?”

  Liam looks at me. “Thought you knew since you’re the best man?”

  I shake my head. “Is that a question?”

  “No,” he says. “A statement I’m hoping you’d spill the secret on.”

  I throw my hands up in the air and laugh. “Sorry, I don’t know anything. I don’t even know the date of the shindig.”

  He looks flustered, and it makes me wonder why all the secrecy. I’ll have to text Noah later and ask him what’s going on, and why he and Peyton won’t tell anyone when they plan to get married. I suppose it doesn’t matter since we’ll drop everything to be there, but a general idea would be nice.

  “What’s the guitar for?” I nod toward his case.

  Liam bends over and unhooks the latches, pulling out his acoustic. “I’ve been working on a new song and thought that maybe you could help me.”

  “Is this a ploy to show me what it’s like to be in a band?”

  He looks at me, studying me for a long minute. “Solo is a lonely life, Quinn. You only meet your band when it’s time to rehearse. You travel by yourself and don’t have any real connections with people. Being in a band, like I said, it gives you family.”

  “I have a family,” I tell him.

  “And a damn good one,” he adds. “But a band family is different. Creatively, they’re your constant sounding board because they get it. They get the lifestyle. They understand everything in our world. I’d never expect Josie to grasp why an amp isn’t working for me, but your dad or JD would, and they’d know how to fix it.”

  I don’t know whether he’s here to convince me to join Elle’s project, to start a band of my own or to just show me what being part of a group can offer. None of it matters because he’s reminded me that while I felt isolated when I was growing up, always surrounded by adults, I had a family. A good one at that and that’s important. If it weren’t for Liam, my dad would’ve never met Katelyn and things would probably be a lot different for me. Maybe I should heed his advice and really consider what it’d be like to be a part of a group.

  Liam starts strumming his guitar. The melody is soft. It’s a ballad and instantly I pull out the napkin, flip it over and start writing. After an hour, I show him what I have, and he plays his tune while singing the words I put down about the sweet southern girl who serves coffee.

  14

  Eleanora

  It’s hot here without the sweltering humidity, and I love it. I could easily see myself living here, thriving in the all-day sun, and enjoying the nightlife. Last night, after I got off from work, Kellie and I went out again, to yet another club where we didn’t have to wait in line. Sadly, the bartender wasn’t as hot as Kellie’s brother, but we still didn’t have to wait or pay for our drinks. Honestly, a girl could get used to the VIP treatment.

  The words on the page of my book blur. I’m focused on the couple in the pool. They’re cuddly, giggly and look like they’re immensely in love. Of course, I’m certainly not an expert on what a couple in love looks like, as my own example is far from glamorous. Roy and I were meant to be like this, back when we first started dating. In public, we were a match made in heaven, but the reality is that our relationship was the product of our fathers’ and grandfathers’ planning behind closed doors.

  Nonetheless, we hit it off. He was sweet, romantic, and said all the right things. I wanted full on public displays of affection, and he didn’t want to cause a scene. He’d hold my hand when our friends were around, but there was no kissing. Close the bedroom door and things changed. He was different, and I was young. I fell hard and fast for his charm.

  It didn’t take long for the rumors to start about Roy Aldridge being a ladies’ man. I’d confront him. He’d deny it and profess his undying love to me, and only me. We’d make up, in ways that would give my daddy a heart attack if he knew, and the rumors would start again almost immediately. Yet, I stayed because it’s what my family expected.

  However, watching this couple, I find myself wanting what they have or at least what they’re showing to the prying eyes of the apartment complex. They seem to not have a care in the world, the way they’re canoodling, kissing, and doing who knows what under the water. It can’t be that hard to find a flirtatious kind of love, can it? One that gets your heart beating so fast you think you’re going to pass out from exhaustion even though you’re not tired. How fun would it be to be so enthralled with the person you’re with that you lose track of time or don’t care about your surroundings? That you just need to be with that person, no matter what? Never in a million years will I have this with Roy.

  My phone vibrates against my leg. I have to shield my eyes in order to see my brother’s beaming face staring back at me. A bit of dread rushes through my body. Is my time up? Did I miss my deadline? I try to think of the date before I answer the phone all the while coming up with some lame excuse as to why I’m not home yet. Somehow, telling Rhett that I don’t want to go home, won’t suffice.

  “Hello.” My voice squeaks. I close my eyes and count to ten in preparation of his raised voice.

  “Eleanora?”

  Duh! But I keep my comment to myself. “Hi, Rhett.”

  “I thought you should know, Roy’s looking for you. I ran into him last night. He was a bit drunk and going on about how you’re leading him on, how you won’t answer his calls, and he said something about asking Mom and Dad to put out a missing person’s report on you. I’d like to chalk his paranoia up to being drunk, but we both know Roy.”

  That tiny bit of dread I was feeling is now full on. My stomach twists into knots as I try to form a coherent thought. Roy’s going to ruin everything, all because I’m not there for him. He doesn’t love me, only the thought of me and the fact that I’m a Boone.

  “Eleanora?”

  “Yes, I’m here. Sorry.”

  “You’re gonna to have to come home.”

  Tears fall. They’re instant, hot against my already warmed cheek, and streaming fast. I’m not ready to go home. This little bit of freedom is really showing me how different the world is. Sure, college did that, but this time I’m on my own. I’m working and living a life away from my studies and the watchful eye of college administrators.

  “I don’t want to,” I say, sounding like a petulant child being asked to clean their room or eat a plate full of carrots.

  “I know—”

  “You don’t know, Rhett. Daddy isn’t trying to marry you off to better the plantation. You get to do whatever you want, no one ever says anything.”

  Rhett sighs. “Williemae—”

  “Is just like our mother,” I interrupt him again. “She was fine with having Daddy hand pick her husband, but that’s not me. Who am I hurting by staying?”

  “Mom if she were to find out.”

  “But I’m not doing anything wrong, Rhett. I’m trying to live my life before it becomes someone else’s. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with what I’m doing.” I pause and inhale deeply, trying to calm down. I know my brother sees things my way, we’ve always been close, but family is important to him. It’s important to me too, but right now I want to pretend Eleanora Boone doesn’t exist. I just want to be Nola, the girl from nowhere, who showed up one day and took Los Angeles by storm.

  My phone beeps. I pull it away and clear the screen, so I can see who’s calling. It’s Roy and instantly, as if on command, my stomach lurches. The thought of talking to him doesn’t make me sick, it’s the thought that he’ll demand that I come home and tell my parents where
I am.

  “Roy’s on the other line. I have to go,” I tell my brother.

  “Call me back.”

  I switch over, knowing I won’t call Rhett back. The less I talk to people back home, the better off I am.

  “Hey, Roy,” I say as happily as I can. I even smile and adjust the way I’m sitting, although I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s out of habit from living with the girls. I always sought out privacy when Roy would call.

  “Sweetheart, where are you? I’m worried. Your parents said you were driving back and should’ve been home days ago.”

  “I’m fine. I just took a little detour with Sofia. We’re trying to see as many sights as possible. You know before life starts.”

  Roy chuckles. I’m tempted to ask him if he’s laughing because he knows my life’s over once I get back to town or if he understands what I’m going through.

  “What was the last four years you spent away from me called?”

  I roll my eyes. “College, and we’re not exactly together, are we?” I point out. We’ve been broken up for a while, but according to Roy, we’re still very much a couple, with an understanding.

  “Only until you graduated, which you’ve done. Don’t you think it’s time you come home so we can get our lives started. I’ve waited longer than necessary.”

  Only because I left for school and you couldn’t follow me. “Of course, but you don’t want to deprive me of seeing the country, do you? Just think about the places we can visit after we’re married.” My stomach falls into the pit of hell with that statement. “We can take a road trip, visit the States, and explore our beautiful country.”

  “You sound like you’re running a political campaign, Eleanora. I thought you wanted to be a teacher.”