“I’m serious. Something kicked all this up. More than a few phone calls from unknown numbers. What else have you been up to?”
“Nothing.”
Frying pan in hand, Tiana turned and sent a don’t-lie-to-me look at Mickie. “You slept with that slab of beef next door, didn’t you?”
Feeling her face go hot, Mickie sipped more wine. “Yeah, but that’s not...”
“Oh, I think that’s exactly it. You had you some good—I hope—times. He’s the first man you been with since?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what’s going on, Mickie. It’s old ghost stuff. It’s hard to trust again after something like that.”
Mickie shook her head. “I trust Josh. He’s a nice guy, for real.”
“That’s what you thought about the last one, too. At some point.”
Mickie stared as Tiana turned back to the stove. Her blood felt like ice in her veins. Her hands, they wouldn’t stop shaking. She clasped them together. Oh, my God. She’s right. Because you let this go further than just sex. You let him into your heart. That treacherous, stupid heart of yours.
“You want some cheese on this omelet?”
“No.”
After she ate, under Tiana’s watchful eye, every last bite of the food, she did feel better. “Am I ever going to know? Am I never going to be happy and fall in love and all that?”
“Probably. There has to be things that when you look back, you can see were signs. You know what those are, you know how to spot them, right?”
“I don’t like to look back. In fact, I actively do not look back.”
“Understood. But maybe you should.”
Mickie jumped up and began washing the dishes. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
There was a moment of silence. “Okay. So how was the sex?”
A real laugh made its way out of Mickie, surprising her. “Pretty damn fantastic.”
“That’s always a plus.”
This was one of the things Mickie was beginning to love about Tiana. She knew exactly when to stop pushing. And when some good, juicy girl talk was needed.
* * *
JOSH SHUT HIMSELF up in his office the next morning so he wouldn’t have to face Mickie. He had to stop messing around with her. The sooner school started and she quit, the better. He ran the litany through his head again. She’d already been hurt. She had a kid. Stay away from her. A sharp rap on the door jolted him out of his thoughts. DeShawn opened the door and strolled in.
“I didn’t say come in,” Josh said.
“I didn’t ask. Trying to be polite. In case you had your finger up your nose or something.”
“What’s up?”
“Got a call from my recruiter yesterday,” DeShawn said.
A jolt of panic hit Josh hard and fast. If the army was making DeShawn leave now, crap, everything would fall apart. He forced himself to be calm. They’d work it out. They always worked it out. “What? They got a good look at you and decided you couldn’t lift a rifle?”
DeShawn flexed an impressive bicep and kissed it. He smirked at Josh. “You wish with them noodle arms of yours. Nah, there’s some paperwork. Some physical stuff. I think I need some shots, I dunno. But they want me to go down there next week to get it taken care of. They won’t let me do it here for whatever bureaucratic bullshit reason.”
Trying to hide his relief, Josh nodded. “Better get used to dealing with that. You’re going to be marching to it for the next twenty years. Not a problem. Go get it done. Quicker they take you, the quicker I’m rid of your chicken-leg self.”
The phone rang as DeShawn got to his feet. “Get that. Later.”
Josh grabbed the phone. “Yo, boss, what’s up?”
“Checking in.”
“On?”
“Wyatt’s little pro bono freelance for that cute little next-door neighbor of yours. You and all the stuff you’re dealing with.”
“I don’t even know what she asked Wyatt to look into. She wanted it confidential.”
There was a long silence on the phone. He began to wonder if he’d gotten Wyatt in trouble. Finally, Sadie let out a breath. “Is she okay?”
“I guess.”
“You guess? You don’t know? She’s an employee, Josh. We take care of our own. There is something going on with her.”
“How do you know that?”
“I don’t know. She’s got this look about her. Like if a car backfired, she’d jump a mile in the air.”
“Her ex beat her. Very badly. She was in the hospital.”
He hadn’t meant to say that. Or maybe he did. Maybe he wanted Sadie to leave him alone with her snarky little comments about him and Mickie. There was an even longer silence this time.
“Piece of shit.”
“Yeah, so let’s stop trying to match her up with another one, okay?”
“You know what? I’m not even going to talk to you. You aren’t even rational about it.”
“What’s to be rational about? I almost punched a woman in the face. And I liked it. I liked watching her afraid. You think I want to risk anyone else’s safety?”
“I’m only going to say one thing to you—take a good, long, honest look at where you were then and where you are now.”
“I’m still me...” he began before he realized Sadie had ended the call. Why did she refuse to understand this? He powered down the laptop and scooped up his phone. Get to work, Josh. Work was simple. Work didn’t leave him with a pounding head. Work didn’t make him want things he couldn’t have.
“Hey, Josh?”
He stopped with his back to the kitchen doorway and closed his eyes. Mickie. He couldn’t deal with her right now. Couldn’t look into those blue eyes. He let his shoulders slump as he turned. “Yeah?”
“Can you sign these papers before you head out? I can get them to the post office later.”
“Sure.” He crossed the floor and took the pen and papers from her hand. He glanced through them quickly as he signed. Government stuff.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Headache. I took some Motrin. It’ll pass.”
“Chug a little caffeine with it. That’ll help the medicine kick in quicker.”
He looked up at her. He hadn’t meant to. She was smiling at him. A happy smile that crinkled the corners of her eyes. He tossed the pen on the table. “Was that on one of your index cards, Nurse Mickie?”
“As a matter of fact, it was not. I already knew that one.”
She crossed her arms and gave him a smug look. He felt his mood lighten and his own smile begin. No. You can’t keep letting yourself feel this. “I gotta run. Busy day. Keep that front door locked. The guys know to come around to the back.”
He got the hell out of there. She made him feel things. Want things. Things he had no right to have. Sadie’s words echoed as he drove to his first appointment. He knew what she meant. The thing with Ruby was a long time ago. He’d been young and stupid. Ruby wasn’t a poster child, either. They’d both been just out of foster care. She’d come out with a drug addiction and a suitcase full of attitude. He’d had a matching suitcase but luckily not the addiction.
He shook his head against the thought. It didn’t matter. That was what Sadie didn’t understand. It didn’t matter that he actually hadn’t hit her. The only thing that mattered was that he’d realized that the monster lived inside him. The only thing he could do was never put another woman in harm’s way. Especially not a woman like Mickie.
She’d met her monster. And survived.
Whatever this was between them, it couldn’t be. If he had to be the one to end it forever, so be it. A small hurt now was better than the betrayal of her trust later. Pulling into the driveway of his first appointment, he put the car in Park and pressed hi
s forehead against the steering wheel. Damn headache. He lifted his head and rotated it from side to side, trying to stretch out the tension. Stop thinking about her. That’s your problem. You’re letting her get under your skin. End it.
* * *
MICKIE LEFT WORK a few minutes early. DeShawn and Drake had returned for the day so she took advantage of the opportunity to get to the post office before picking up Ian. Traffic was getting hectic as she negotiated Ian and his stroller across busy Devine Street, but once across, it was a pleasant walk along shady sidewalks.
As she rounded a corner, a child’s wading pool caught her eye. It was at the end of a driveway, with other household items piled around it. Garbage? She stopped and toed the pool. It looked okay. She glanced around, and seeing no one, turned the pool over to inspect the bottom. No cracks or holes that she could see.
“Whatcha think, Ian? Want a swimming pool?”
“Poo?”
“Pool-l-l.” She rolled the l-sound.
“Poolalalala?”
She laughed and lifted the plastic pool. “Let’s give it a shot, yes?”
“Yes!”
After getting dinner fixed and Ian fed, they went out on the back porch, where she’d stashed the pool. She moved it onto the grass and Ian climbed in and sat down. Glancing around, she noticed a hose connected to the water spigot on Josh’s side of the duplex.
“Come on, Ian, get out for a minute so Mommy can fill it up.”
“Up?”
It was good. No leaks. Took forever to fill and Ian was about a minute from full meltdown when she stripped off his shirt and shoes and lifted him in. She sat down in the grass and laughed as he squealed and stomped around in the pool. Leaning back on her palms, she smiled. This was such an exciting age. He was learning new things, soaking up everything like a sponge.
“Water!” he shouted at her as he smacked the water with his hands.
“Yep. You are splashing the water.” Mickie glanced over as Josh walked around the little brick divider between their patios. He stopped at the pool and reached in, smacking the water with his own hand, making Ian squeal with happy laughter.
“Spash Yosh!”
Josh splashed at the water again. He turned to Mickie with a grin that about melted her heart to goop. She sat forward as Ian lost his footing and splashed down on his butt.
“Uh-oh!” she called out in a singsong voice.
“Uh-oh,” Ian echoed. He held his arms above the water and looked down at himself. Cautiously, he lowered his hands and patted at the water. “Fun!”
Josh sat down beside Mickie. “Lots of fun,” he said to Ian. He shoulder-bumped Mickie. “Where’d this come from?”
The heat she felt exploding within her had nothing to do with her slight shame at stealing junk from a trash pile. “Found it thrown out. It’s perfectly good. And free.”
“Free’s good.”
They sat in silence for a while, watching Ian. He got up on his hands and knees and was experimenting with putting his face in the water.
“When does school start for you?”
“A month.”
“And yet here you are, sitting out in the sun, not an index card in sight.”
“Are you teasing me?”
“Not at all. Making an observation.”
“That has to wait until little man there is in bed. I can’t get anything done with him around.”
Josh made a hmm-ing sound and nodded. Leaning back on her hands, Mickie stretched her legs out and let herself take in the moment. The summer sun was lower in the sky but the heat of the day remained. The cicadas were shrilling in the thin line of trees at the back of the lawn. Somewhere a lawn was being mowed. It felt so peaceful and normal. A late summer afternoon in the suburbs. The only thing missing was a grill full of burgers. She smiled, picturing Josh at the grill.
She shook her head. Stop dreaming. Stop pretending. You’ve got a long row to hoe. Focus on that. School. Ian. Nothing else. The charm of the moment dissipated under the weight of reality. She rose to her knees and duck-walked to the pool. “Up, little man. You’re hands are probably pruned.”
“Puuned?”
She lifted him out as Josh laughed. Ian’s diaper, now soaked with water, surrounded him like a giant bubble. “Wrinkled.” She set him down and turned his palms over to show him. “Come on, little man. Let’s get cleaned up and we’ll have story time.”
Josh’s hand appeared in front of her and she took it, allowing him to help her to her feet. She looked into his eyes and felt that warm wave again. More than lust. A painful twinge tore at her throat. He was such a nice guy. More than that, he was a good man. A friend. She was going to miss the everyday interaction once school started.
He let go of her hand, but not before she saw the same warmth mirrored in his eyes. He smiled and stepped back. “I’ll let you tend to business.”
“Bye, Yosh!” Ian yelled. Because that was his default volume setting.
Josh leaned down. “Later, dude.” He held out his hand, palm up, and Ian smacked his palm down hard against it.
“Ater doo!”
Mickie laughed. “Where’d you learn that?” she asked Ian.
“It comes with the Y chromosome,” Josh said. He straightened and caught her by the elbow. “You guys be safe. I’m a phone call away, okay?”
Whatever warmth she’d felt was frozen beneath those words. Right. Never forget. Until she heard from Wyatt, everything was temporary.
* * *
JOSH WENT BACK to his side of the duplex. He’d left his dinner uneaten on the plate when he’d heard Ian playing in the pool. Why? He didn’t know. He put the plate in the microwave. Yeah, you do. Because it feels good to be with her. He sat back down and pushed the food around on the plate.
Stop lying. He’d gone out there to tell her. To end it once and for all. Tell her they had to stop playing this game. There was no future. But he hadn’t been able to do it. Didn’t want to be the cause of any more pain in her life. Going to have to edge her out, man. Be cool. Stop getting drawn in.
A heavy blanket of sadness settled over him. It felt like having a family. His biological family had been ripped away from him in one violent night. Sadie had provided him with a second family, a family of choice, but now she and Charleston and the guys seemed so far away. Now the fates were dangling promises of family before him. Kim. Mickie and Ian.
A grin crossed his lips as he remembered the saturated diaper. It looked like something out of a cartoon. What would it be like? To have a woman like Mickie? And a kid? Be the dad his father wasn’t? Reach out to Kim? She was getting married. Maybe she’d have kids and he could have some and they would be cousins. Lots of cousins so if anything happened they wouldn’t be alone in this world.
“Stop depressing yourself,” he said out loud. Giving up on eating, he pushed the remains of his dinner into the garbage can. Wish in one hand, spit in the other. See which one fills up first. Who had told him that?
He had to stop thinking like this. Stop believing he was normal and could have any kind of normal life. He had Sadie. He could play cool uncle to Jules. But he would never have a family of his own. He forced himself to remember the look in Ruby’s eyes. The anger that went to fear with a blink. And how it had made him feel. Powerful. In control. He had the monster within him and he needed to never forget that. He couldn’t do anything about the past, but he sure could make sure it didn’t continue.
He scooped up his phone and dialed. “Hey, DeShawn, you up for a little pool tonight?”
Because he had to get out of here. Had to get away from the temptation next door. Because soon, she’d be putting Ian to bed and he’d hear her voice. Sometimes she sang, sometimes she read books to him. And he’d sit on the other side of the wall and listen. And wish for things he couldn’t
have.
Yeah. That was a plan. Get out for the weekend. Head up to the mountains. Ride the Tail of the Dragon up in Tennessee. Put as much distance between himself and Mickie as he could.
CHAPTER TWENTY
MICKIE WAS HAVING THOUGHTS. Bad thoughts. She was glad Josh was out of the office today because she needed to get her head straight. Friday evening, when he joined them for the impromptu pool party, it had all seemed so clear. They had something. Not just she and Josh, but with Ian, too. But then he’d left for the entire weekend without a word. Just roared out on his bike at dawn on Saturday.
Whatever little idea was brewing in the back of her head needed to be squashed. And fast. She finished up the day’s paperwork. Returned a few phone calls. Scheduled a couple of new customers. It didn’t seem fair. If she’d met Josh after she was finished with school, maybe?
She blew out an aggravated sigh. Stop it.
Pulling out her study stack, she picked up the top card. Antipsychotics. She snorted out a laugh. Maybe she needed some.
“A class of medication used to manage psychosis. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder in particular.” She turned over the card and read the back. “Yes!”
She was getting more of the pharmacology questions right than wrong now. Maybe she should move on to pathophysiology.
It only took a minute to run next door and scoop up Tiana’s notes and a fresh stack of index cards. She paused as she returned. Had she not closed the sliding door all the way? It was open about a half inch. Icy fear traced down her arms to settle in her gut. She peered into the kitchen. No one was there. She shook her head, trying to shake loose the fear. You were in a hurry. You probably didn’t shut it all the way. Stop letting him have room in your head. Still, it took everything she had to open the door and step inside. “Hello?” she called out. There was no answer. A quick check of the rooms revealed no intruder. Get yourself together, woman.
Soon, the rush of fear was forgotten in the orderly discipline of index-card making. She loved study cards. The simplicity of them. The flexibility. Want to study one particular subject? Pull those cards. Want to keep general knowledge fresh? Use all of them. She opened the file with Tiana’s neatly written notes.
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