We Shouldn't and Yet...

by Stephanie Witter

  Hal frowns at me, his head tilted. “Where’re you going? Is everything okay?’’

  I nod and walk to the bench next to the front door where I always put my black helmet. I feel their gaze on me, but for the life of me I can’t tell which one is weighing the most, which one is scalding the nape of my neck. “I’m fine, I just have something to do. See you tomorrow.’’

  I don’t turn around and stomp outside. It’s only when my bike rumbles and I feel the vibration of the engine under me that I relax. And for once, I don’t fucking know why I’m so restless. I push my bike harder.

  ***

  AIDEEN

  “No, there wasn’t much traffic. I’m pretty knackered now, though.’’ I let my eyes wander around the guest bedroom, quite bare and generic with the light yellow paint, the off-white covers on the bed and the wooden dresser and small closet next to the big window currently hidden by heavy green curtains.

  “I’m sure, Baby Bear.’’

  I groan in the cell as I take my phone’s charger from my purse. “Dad, not that nickname again. I’m too old for that.’’

  He laughs softly in the receiver, his soft voice calming my worries a little, but not enough to not wonder why it’s not my mother who answered the call.

  “You’re my daughter and I prefer to remember you as a kid or else I’d realize how old I’m getting.’’

  I smile and close my eyes, oddly attacked by nostalgia. I’m glad to be away from home and the mess that is life there, but my parents are my security net and it’s frightening to finally realize that I’m in fact an adult. I can’t screw up my life and think that there won’t be consequences. I gulp and redirect my thoughts to my mother.

  “How is Mom?’’

  He sighs and I hear him sip something, probably a cold beer like he often does after a hot day of work. “She’s still not taking your decision all that well, but don’t you think about it. I’m here for her.’’

  “Dad…’’

  “Baby Bear, you have a life, you’re young and you went through enough. Damn, you’re stronger than us all put together, but you have to think of yourself so don’t worry. She’ll call you tomorrow.’’

  A knock at the bedroom door cuts me off before I answer my father. “Come in!’’ I call out and when Hal opens the door with an ever present small smile tugging his soft lips upward, I say more quietly, “Dad, listen Hal’s here probably to discuss the house rules. I’ll call back tomorrow and kiss Mom for me.’’

  “Alright, Baby Bear. Love you.’’

  “Love you, too.’’

  I hang up and let myself fall on my back on the bed, my legs dangling on the side, my feet barely touching the floor.

  “House rules? Do you really think Jensen has house rules?’’ Hal laughs and sits next to me. His weight dips the bed and I have to adjust myself so as not to end up plastered against his side.

  Jensen. I’ve known Hal only for the past year or so, but when he told me everything about his father I never expected that man to be like the one I saw earlier. Raw and rough are the best words I can think of, at least appropriate ones. What I thought downstairs when I had my first glimpse at him was something else; magnetic. With his dark soulful eyes that seemed to have seen everything, the crooked twist of his lips giving him a dangerous allure and his body…his body can’t be dismissed with how built he is and how he holds himself as if the world is his and yet, the tension in his shoulders lets on a certain weight he is carrying around; all of this makes it difficult not to be affected. In fact, downstairs when we locked eyes it was like he reached inside me, twisted something and left me weak in the knees. I can’t possibly explain it.

  “He doesn’t look like the father type, huh?’’ I turn my head to the side when I feel Hal laying down next to me, his shoulder bumping into mine. “The guy is the perfect bachelor. In a way, I prefer it that way.’’

  “What do you mean?’’

  He shrugs, his arm now flush against mine. He doesn’t move and I don’t either. I’ve always been comfortable around Hal. He’s one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met and he knows a lot about my past so we’re on the same page. I don’t have to fear any move on his part.

  “Imagine if when I called him he was happily married with a little one running around. I would have messed up the balance. Now, there’s not much to mess up.’’

  I look at the ceiling, the fan turned off and immobile over our heads. “How is it between the two of you? You’ve been here for the last few weeks. I bet it’s different from the odd phone calls every other week.’’

  “It’s like I have a brother or a good friend. It’s definitely not like we’re father and son, you know?”

  “Does that bother you?’’

  He mulls over my question, probably weighing the good and the bad before answering me. If there’s one thing to say about Hal, it’s that he almost always ponders everything he says first. Sometimes it’s a little maddening to see him not trusting his spontaneous side. I didn’t know him before his mother died so maybe he used to be different, but either way, it saddens me and also frustrates me.

  “A little, but I like the dynamic we have right now. We’re trying to get to know each other and so far the guy is great.’’

  I yawn, hiding it behind my hand. My arm seems to weigh a ton. “It’s nice of him to let me stay for a few days. That job offer threw me off, but I’m not complaining.’’

  “Isn’t it weird to start a new job? I mean a real one, not like the waitressing job you had in college. It makes me feel…’’

  “Older.’’

  “Yeah.’’

  We’re silent for a few minutes until I yawn again and Hal stands up, stretching like a cat when he’s back on his feet. He extends a hand to help me up and I let him do all the work. Once I’m back to a standing position, I have to blink to stop the room from spinning.

  “You look tired.’’

  “Over six hours spent in a car with crappy A/C does that to you,’’ I reply and laugh before quickly hugging him and leading him back out of the bedroom. I don’t think I can keep my eyes open for much longer.

  “Goodnight, Aideen.’’

  “Night, Hal. And thank you for helping me out. If you see your father, thank him too.’’

  He nods and walks down the hall towards his room. I don’t wait and close the door, leaning against it. I glance at the loose flannel pants and the tank top waiting for me and I start stripping. When I’m naked and ready to put my pajamas on, the rumble of a bike outside makes me stand to attention and my skin breaks out in goosebumps. It stops in front of the house and suddenly my nipples tighten and my stomach twists.

  Jensen is back.

  Why this reaction?

  JENSEN

  Interested in some naked time tonight? I’ll be at Hazy Bar. - Cassie

  I drop my phone on the kitchen table and roll my eyes. Wrong move. Now the headache is coming back with a vengeance. I groan and put my forehead on the top of the wooden table that is probably as old as I am, if not older.

  Cassie is a good looking thirty-year old I fuck once in a while, usually when I’m too lazy to find somebody else to get laid. She’s newly divorced and apparently she’s determined to sleep away her regrets from either marrying the ass who cheated on her or divorcing him and ending up having to work a crap job for minimum wage. The thing is, if I go back to her it’s not because the sex is that mind-blowing or because I have a thing for her. In fact, it’s just because she’s a safe bet. She’s not trying to settle down, she doesn’t expect shit from me and she isn’t trying to uncover what my deal is contrary to pretty much any woman I cross paths with does. This works because we’re both on the same fucked up page.

  I sit up and go to grab my phone to send her a text because I really need to get my mind off things when I see Aideen walking toward me with a shy smile on her mouth. With her messy bed-head hair falling around her face and over her shoulders and no trace of makeup on her face, she looks fres
h. And young.

  “Good morning.’’ Her voice is soft, hesitant. She eyes the phone in my hand. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.’’

  I shake my head and drop my phone back on the table where I left it earlier. Texting to schedule sex with a woman in front of my son’s crush makes me uneasy. I also feel like an old pervert unable to pick up a woman when Aideen probably doesn’t need much work to gather attention. Having her and Hal here at home makes me feel older and that’s just messed up when I don’t usually see myself like the thirty-eight man I really am.

  “Nothing important. Hal isn’t awake yet.’’

  She nods and goes to pour herself a cup of coffee, easily finding the right place where the mugs are stored. I guess Hal showed her everything last night while I was trying to escape my issues on my bike. Unfortunately, my issues are way faster than my bike.

  “He slept late in college. That’s why he made sure to never take classes scheduled early in the morning. I wonder how he’s doing during the week to go to work.’’

  “He bitches and gulps a gallon of coffee with his eyes half closed.’’

  She laughs under her breath and joins me at the table, taking a seat across from me. “Apparently you’re an early riser, though.’’

  I run a hand in my beard from cheek to chin, trailing along my jaw. Her eyes follow the path of my fingers, unwavering. Feeling her gaze on me is very strange somehow. “I don’t sleep much.’’

  Her eyes go back to mine. The way she looks at me is like she’s searching for something, digging in my fucking head. My skin tingles at her scrutiny, but I don’t break eye contact.

  “Yeah well, sleep is overrated.’’ Then, she looks down at the mug and brings it to her mouth, sipping it quietly.

  I stare at her throat working as she drinks and then my eyes go down to her chest. I close my eyes and grit my teeth before I let out a growl. She’s wearing a lime green tank top without a bra. Fuck me.

  She’s my son’s crush, she’s twenty-two. She’s just a kid and she’s sixteen years younger than me. She’s off-limits.

  I re-open my eyes and find her watching me again, her big brown eyes filled with questions. She probably thinks I’m some deranged man and she wouldn’t be that far off. I frown and let out a deep sigh.

  “Hm, Jensen?’’

  When my name comes out of her mouth, my cock gets hard. It’s morning, she’s wearing no underwear, she’s young and beautiful and I’m the kind of man with sex on his mind to distract himself from other things pretty much constantly. It doesn’t take much to get me hard.

  “What?’’ My voice comes out sharper than I intend.

  She crosses her arms over her chest, her delicate eyebrows bunching over her eyes taking a harsher glint. “I just wanted to let you know that I wouldn’t be here long and I wanted to ask you if you have any house rules regarding groceries or chores, but apparently although you’re an early riser you’re not exactly a morning person so I’ll ask another time.’’

  She moves to stand up and walk away but my hand shoots up and I grab her thin wrist gently. Her skin is incredibly soft and smooth under my calloused fingers.

  “Wait, Aideen. I’m sorry.’’ When I’m sure I have her attention and she’s not going to up and leave, I pull away and run the same hand through my short hair, souvenir of my army years. I can still feel her warmth on my fingers. “I barely slept three hours last night and I’m in a shitty mood, not that it’s any excuse.’’

  “I understand.’’ Her eyes lose their focus over my shoulder. “Hal told me you were in the army. I had a family member in the army too and he had mood swings sometimes for a few weeks after a tour.’’

  I clench my fists on the table and I tense all over. “I don’t want to talk about it,’’ I say through gritted teeth.

  She frowns at me, her eyes now back on me again, very much riveted to the present. “I’m not asking. We all have our issues, Jensen.’’

  With that, she stands up and walks out, her back straighter than before, her steps stiffer. I can’t avoid looking at her, at the way her hips sway, the way the loose pants barely outline her firm round ass or the small patch of skin I see peeking between her tank top and her waistband.

  I don’t know what set her off, but there’s something about Aideen that makes me wonder what is her deal and it has nothing to do with Hal and how much more I want to know about his life and the people in it. For the first time in months I’m curious about someone not related to me and I have no fucking clue as to what to make of this. Of her.

  I glance at the clock in the kitchen. Only seven am. Too early for a drink. Fuck, if only Hal and Aideen weren’t here…

  ***

  AIDEEN

  I put on a last coat of mascara on my naturally thick and long eyelashes and take one more look at my face. The only makeup I’ve put on is the mascara and a nude eyeshadow. I close my compact mirror and throw it in my purse on the bed. I shoulder it and walk out of the bedroom, ready to find an apartment. There’s very little chance that I will find one today, but I’m very determined.

  I want out of Jensen’s house.

  I don’t know what it is about him, but there’s something not sitting well with me. He’s…I don’t know. I hate what I feel around him and I’ve only seen him twice. That man is trouble and the reactions he’s awakening in me are not normal. I don’t even want to think about it.

  I glance at Hal’s bedroom door still closed and shake my head. This guy is unable to wake up before noon when he doesn’t have to work early. I silently pray that Jensen isn’t downstairs, but of course luck is definitely not on my side.

  He’s on the recliner, facing the stairs, his dark moody gaze steady on me. With his black shirt strained over his broad shoulders and his muscled chest, his old black jeans almost looking grey from too many washes, he’s impressive and can’t be ignored. The man exudes presence.

  “I didn’t mean to be rude earlier. I have issues and contrary to other people, I don’t deal with them in the best of ways. I’m a rude bastard most of the time, inappropriate all the time and considerate once in a blue moon. I hope you can deal with that while you’re here.’’

  “Your house, your rules.’’ I shrug, faking nonchalance. I tighten my fingers around my car keys. The metal bites into my palm and I focus on this slight discomfort. Better this than the way his dark eyes make me shiver or how I still feel the calluses of his hand when he grabbed my wrist earlier this morning.

  Jensen stands up and winces when he moves his shoulder. “There’re no rules here, Aideen.’’

  This time, I can’t stop the shiver from shaking me whole. His rough voice saying my name is unsettling. I don’t understand what is wrong with me, I don’t get why this dark man is having such an effect on me. It’s not that I’m attracted to him even though he’s a seriously good looking man in a rough way, it’s something else entirely and I can’t explain what it is. But I know it’s not attraction. It can’t be after what happened with Yann. And this is Hal’s father.

  “Let’s just forget what happened.’’ I adjust my purse on my shoulder. “I’m going out to meet a realtor. Hopefully, I’ll find something in my price range.’’

  He runs a hand in his stubble and I can’t help myself. I follow the path of his hand, the way his thick facial hair contrasts against his weather beaten tanned skin. “There’s no hurry. It’s fine if you want to wait a few days.’’

  “I don’t like depending on other people and it’s a little strange. I mean, we don’t know each other. I can’t possibly stay here too long.’’

  His frown deepens as he tenses and crosses his big arms over his imposing chest. “Who said that? I don’t mind and I’m sure Hal will be glad if you stay for a little while.’’

  “I’m just not that kind of girl I guess.’’

  “What kind?’’

  “The kind who mooches off men, who always needs someone to take care of her.’’

  He tilts his head
and shakes it. A discreet smirk appears on his face, easing away his frown. “I would never assume that. Apparently Hal had to beg for you to accept staying here.’’

  I chuckle softly under my breath, relaxing a bit. I remember that day almost two weeks ago when Hal wouldn’t hang up until I agreed. Jensen’s son is quite bullheaded when he wants to be and somehow I think it’s a trait both men share.

  “I just don’t…feel comfortable.’’

  Immediately, his whole face darkens. His thick eyebrows cast a shadow over his searing eyes and his lips thin into a fine line, accentuating the angle of his strong jaw. “Is it because of me?’’ His voice rumbles roughly in the quiet townhouse. The sound, virile and dark, makes my skin break out in goosebumps again.

  “No, no.’’ I shake my head in emphasis, but it’s too forced. A tiny part of me wants to escape, put some distance between us. I don’t understand what Jensen is bringing out in me, and it frightens me in a way. I’ve never met a man like him, and I can’t find my footing around him. Even when he was an asshole earlier it didn’t diminish the potent impact he has on me, an impact without reason or understanding.

  He shakes his head and looks away, something flashing in his brown eyes. He clears his throat. I’m transfixed by his Adam’s apple, jumping in his throat half hidden by his facial hair. “I’m not used to having people home.’’ His rumbling voice barely breaks the silence.

  I have to strain to hear his words, but somehow they hit me square in the chest, right where my heart beats mechanically, making it speed up with the strength of the underlying emotions contained inside of him, barely peeking out. But I see them, I feel them.

  “Jensen?’’

  He stares back at me, his eyes narrowing on my face. “Just keep in mind that you can stay as long as you want or need to.’’

  I nod faintly and watch him walk out, one hand massaging his shoulder just before he grabs his helmet. He closes the door softly and it’s just when the roar of his bike starts that I finally move again.