To Catch a Texas Cowboy (Wishing, Texas Book 2)

by Julie Benson

  Her family never wanted to see her anger or disappointment with them either. They blamed her for being overly demanding or emotional. Her response was the problem, not their actions.

  As she and AJ walked, eventually the canopy of trees thinned, and they entered a clearing. The wishing well. The serenity once again enveloped her, fighting with the pain and guilt gnawing at her. Long grass danced in the light breeze, brushing against her legs. The moonlight bounced off the fence, sending shadows over well and headstones.

  How odd that this was where her wandering brought her tonight. A place where many insisted hope and abiding love resided.

  “Want to tell me what happened?”

  AJ’s sweet drawl resonated with concern. For her. When was the last time anyone other than Cassie had shown that? Longer than a person with parents and two brothers should be able to claim.

  The need to release her demons, including those she’d hidden from Cassie, swamped Grace. Then AJ’s large hand covered hers. The simple contact spiraled through her. She bit her lip holding back tears.

  Here in the still Texas night, in the middle of nowhere, with only pinpricks of lights visible in the distance, she wanted to share the truth with AJ. Despite knowing he was a cop, and had been with the FBI, he’d understand in a way no one else could. This man, who was wrong in many ways, could help her find a sliver of peace.

  Grace stood beside AJ, her chest heaving from her labored breathing. A cow brayed in the distance. The cicadas’ clicking song swirled around them. He longed to wrap his arms around her, to tell her he was here no matter what the problem was.

  Knowing she needed her space, he shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from reaching for her. “Is it your family?”

  She shook her head. “My mom called to tell me about a story she heard on the news. Derek committed suicide.”

  Inside his pockets, he clenched his fists to resist the urge to fiddle with his keys as anger pulsed through him. In his career, he’d seen this countless times. Once the police moved in and arrested the suspect, forcing him to face the consequences of his actions, he crumbled, and took the easy way out. Without a thought to those around him, he bailed, leaving devastation in his wake. This time Grace had been crushed by the waves.

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “My head knows that, but it’s hard.” Her voice, barely above a whisper, trembled with anguish. “There’s been so much fallout. I expected Derek would go to jail, but the rest of it? I wasn’t prepared.” Her wide-eyed haunted gaze locked on him, searching for answers no one could provide. “I was such a naïve fool. Why didn’t the FBI warn me about the possible ramifications, about how hard it would be to cope with what happened after evidence I gathered for them?”

  Because if we did, very few would agree to do the right thing.

  Her eyes, wide with desperation, searched his face, pleading with him to help her understand.

  Guilt bubbled into his throat, burning. For the first time he saw the situation from the other side, and he wasn’t sure he liked the view.

  Grace was right. They should warn informants that in many ways their lives would never be the same, but they never would. Because he’d been right, too. If they did, no one would step up.

  How many people had he left in pieces the way Grace was now?

  “I’ve never told anyone this, not even Cassie, but my last job interview was horrible.” Grace’s nervous laugh rattled around them. “The woman said she only met with me to tell me no one in New York would hire me. I should quit wasting my time and everyone else’s. She said people believed one of two things about me. Some feared hiring me because I was an FBI snitch. They were scared if anything in their company appeared out of order I’d turn them in.”

  “And the other?”

  “They thought I cut a deal to save my ass.” Bitterness wove through her voice. That was a good sign. Way better than her earlier zombie tone. “People thinking I’m a criminal was tough to take. That’s when I realized the life I had, the career I had, was over.”

  A fist wrapped around his heart and squeezed as her pain reached inside him. Feeling the need to offer support, but afraid to take her in his arms, he placed his hand over hers, finding it ice cold. She linked her fingers with his.

  The vicious reality of what she’d endured slammed into AJ’s gut. He thought back on their conversation on Ty’s porch. No wonder she’d been skittish and angry when he confronted her. People had been attacking her from every angle. If acquaintances believed the worst of her, why would a stranger think otherwise? “That’s difficult to stomach, and worse it’s unfair. Nothing I read indicated the authorities suspected you were involved, or hinted at you making a deal.”

  “Apparently that doesn’t matter.”

  Embarrassment over the way he’d treated her at the accident scene and at dinner the first night washed through him. He’d assumed the worst, and expected her to prove otherwise. He could rationalize other people’s behavior, but he knew better. Everyone was innocent until he had damn hard evidence of guilt, and even then it wasn’t official until a court of law declared the fact.

  Her fear over what happened in New York becoming public knowledge in Wishing made sense now, too. What had she said? That she’d come to town for a fresh start. That she’d possessed the courage to start over in a new field, thousands of miles from home, spoke of her grit. Pure steel. That was what her backbone was made of. As attractive as she was, her strength, her courage, her spirit drew him far more, and was intoxicating beyond belief. She refused to let life’s blows knock her down. She may stumble a time or two, but she came up swinging, prepared to do battle. Iron will and stubborn determination all wrapped up in one of the prettiest packages God ever created.

  And despite everything between them, she hadn’t held a grudge. She’d given him better than she’d received from him. The fact that she’d spoken to him when she had every right to tell him to take his sanctimonious attitude and go to Hell, stunned him. Admiration, hot and heavy, grew inside him.

  “I wish I could tell you that people relied on evidence as basis for their judgments, but instead they latch onto a belief, and find a way to rationalize it.”

  Graced nodded. “People believe my deal was kept quiet because Derek pled guilty. They say if I’d testified in court, the defense would’ve questioned me, and it would’ve come to light.”

  “But since there wasn’t a trial, you’re screwed. How do you prove a negative? That you didn’t cut a deal?”

  “Exactly.”

  In his job, solving the case was the goal. Once he turned over evidence, his job was pretty much done, except for testifying in court. By then he’d moved on. Had he ever given thought to his informants, and what they dealt with emotionally afterwards? Hell, no. But he would from now on. Because of Grace.

  “I can’t change what others did, but I can own up to how I treated you. I hurt you with my accusations when we met, and I owe you an apology for that.”

  Her lip trembled, and her lower teeth nibbled on it for a second. “Thank you.”

  “I’m sorry you had to go through this.”

  She smiled. “Except for Cassie, you’re the only person who’s said those words to me. If it hadn’t been for her offering me the job running the inn, I’d be living with my mother and stepfather, slinging burgers for minimum wage on the verge of insanity.” Grace laughed, and flinched, as if the brittle, nervous sound grated on her frayed nerves.

  How the hell had her family failed to say they were sorry for what happened to her? Why hadn’t they racked their brains and called in every favor to help her find a job? Had they at least tried to listen?

  “Have you talked to your family about how you’re feeling?”

  “My mother tries to be supportive, but somehow her efforts leave a bad aftertaste. What she says sounds right at first, but then later when I think about it—” Grace shook her head, as if dislodging disturbing memories. “My brothers and I haven’t talked
much about the embezzlement or the fallout. They’re busy with their lives and careers, and well, they’re brothers.”

  He noticed she hadn’t mentioned her NYPD father. Could be he was more old school. Tough, stoic, make the kids toe the line without question, and not the most sympathetic. “I’ve got younger sisters. I hope they know I’d be there for them, without judging, no matter what.”

  “Mine would if I asked,” Grace rushed on, as if she needed to defend her brothers.

  That was the difference. His sisters wouldn’t have to ask. He’d offer. He watched out for them. Had since at nineteen he stood beside his father’s mahogany, flag-draped coffin, and vowed to be the man of the family.

  His thought brought him back to the fact Grace failed to mention her father. “How’d your dad react to all this?”

  Grace stiffened. He’d bet his last dollar he’d pegged her father spot on.

  “At first we didn’t discuss the case because I might testify. He didn’t want anyone thinking he influenced my testimony. Then after Derek pled guilty—” Her voice trailed off, as if she didn’t know what to say.

  AJ stood beside her, swallowing his questions, instead waiting, giving her the space and time to sort her feelings out. Letting her take control.

  “He was in a difficult position, caught between his job, propriety, and supporting me.”

  To hell with the job. The man’s first responsibility was to his daughter. He agreed to that the minute the doctor handed Grace to him in the hospital. But AJ wouldn’t tell her that. She’d confronted enough demons tonight.

  He saw her closing herself off, and knew she was working to shove all her pain down, but that wasn’t what she needed. If she held the poison in it would eat at her soul. “You need to get this out of your system. All of it.”

  She fidgeted beside him. Her fingers picked at the fence. “Derek wrote me a couple times after he was arrested. I threw the letters away unopened. Now I wonder if I’d read them, if I’d written back, maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself. What if he was looking for absolution and my not responding with forgiveness sent him over the edge?”

  AJ cupped her face, forcing her to meet his gaze. The distraught look flaring in her eyes tore up his insides. No one should be this haunted, especially when she’d done nothing wrong. And yet he understood her guilt. Knew how unreasonable and unfair life could be. He knew the fact others had been hurt would plague her for a long time. “Listen to me. Don’t you dare take responsibility for what Derek did, or the damage his actions caused. As to his letters, who knows what they said. Could be he wanted to ask for forgiveness. Could be he cursed you for being a cold-hearted bitch, and helping the FBI convict him. You’ll never know.”

  “I can’t convince myself everything will be okay anymore. That’s what I’ve told myself up until now. Some people will never be okay again, may never rebuild their lives or recover.”

  “When a crime gets exposed, sometimes innocent people get hurt. Some cope by getting mad at the whistleblower. They figure if that person had confronted the criminal instead of going to the authorities, the illegal activity would’ve stopped, and their lives wouldn’t have been impacted as much.”

  Tears pooled in Grace’s eyes. She bit her lip, obviously struggling to keep her emotions in check.

  “You saw some of that?”

  She nodded, and wrapped her arms around her stomach. “When the company we worked for closed, people who lost their jobs sent me horrible emails and left awful messages on my phone.”

  He knew the kind she meant, but asked because she needed to say the words. “Like what?”

  “One sweet fifty-something woman from accounting said she wished I’d go blind, deaf, and every terrible disease imaginable would attack my body. A young guy who’d been married a year and had just bought a house said he hoped I lost everything that mattered to me, and that I died alone, a miserable old lady.”

  “They had no right.”

  “I know, but they were in so much pain, so scared, and didn’t know what to do.” Her voice cracked. “The company going out of business devastated them. They didn’t deserve what happened.

  The empathy she possessed for those who’d hurt her amazed AJ. The heart it took to not only understand, but to forgive those who cursed her spoke to the depth of her character.

  “I can’t help but think if I’d done something differently the damage would’ve been less severe. Maybe the business wouldn’t have gone under, and everyone would still have jobs. Their lives wouldn’t have been turned upside down.”

  “You keep forgetting you’re one of those people.”

  Shock washed across her delicate features as if she’d forgotten she’d been a victim of storm Derek. She pinched her eyes shut, but a tear squeezed out, and something inside her shattered. And in him, too. Her overwhelming pain tore at him. He wiped the tear away, and wrapped his arms around her.

  When he drew her against him, she rested her head on his shoulder. A second later, the dam burst in her, and she let go. Sobs wrenched from deep inside her. Her body shook with the force of her released emotions. She clutched his shirt in her fists, hanging on for dear life. Her tears seeped into his shirt.

  He rubbed her back, as she clung to him. “It’s all right, sweetheart. You’re not alone, I’m here.”

  He kissed the top of her head, and mumbled phrases of comfort as he held her, and wished he could ease her pain and guilt. He’d sell his soul to give her that.

  When her trembling stopped, she pulled away, and glanced up at him. Her wide eyes questioning, but filled with less pain. “How do I live with knowing so many lives will never be the same?”

  “I wish I had an answer. Some things never go away, but you learn to shove them into the back of your mind. At least until something triggers it again.”

  Like your simple question.

  The images of his last case bubbled up in his memory. Bits and pieces of the conversations he’d had with his last informant. How he’d pressed and guilted her into cooperating. He’d never questioned his actions, smug in his job. When she’d been fearful, he insisted she’d be fine, and then he moved on.

  “What happened that you can’t forget?” Grace placed her hand on his arm. The electric contact rippled through him, branding him.

  Too many things to list.

  But here in the quiet, for the first time he wanted to unburden himself to someone. No, not anyone. To Grace. Because he sensed she’d understand.

  The words beginning the litany of what he’d seen over the years that ate at him sat perched on his lips, but he shoved them down, refusing to add to her burdens.

  “There’s that imagination of yours again, seeing things that aren’t there.”

  The light in her eyes dimmed, and she stiffened. Their intimacy shattered. Probably a good thing because he’d been close, damned close to falling for her.

  “We’d best head back.”

  Please let her keep her distance until she’s in the house, and I get away from her.

  Otherwise he’d take her in his arms and finish what they started earlier, and that would be a mistake. He had no right getting involved, or rather more involved, with Grace when her life was here and his wasn’t. That and lying, or at best misleading her about his job, wasn’t the best way to start a relationship.

  Relationship? Lord help him, because that was exactly what he wanted.

  Chapter Twelve

  The next morning Grace stumbled downstairs dressed in her jeans and an oversized T-shirt, her emotions as jumbled and unsettled as her sleep had been.

  A man had never confused her as much as AJ had last night. She still couldn’t believe he had walked away. What man does that when a woman throws herself at him?

  I’ve never wanted a woman more, but if we make love, it would mean something, and neither of us is ready for that.

  In the midst of their mind-numbing passion she denied making love with AJ would be different than with anyone else. But today,
in the harsh light of morning reality, she admitted the truth. He’d been right. Making love with AJ would mean something, and she couldn’t say she was ready for that.

  She strolled into the kitchen, her best I’ve-got-my-life-under-control-fake-it-until-you-make-it look on her face, and found find AJ seated at the breakfast bar.

  “You get any sleep last night?” Looking well-rested, almost serene, blast him, he stood, and reached into the cupboard above him to retrieve a cup. Then he filled it with coffee.

  “Some.” She accepted the mug he held out, and cupped her hands around it. The warmth seeped from the steaming liquid, through the ceramic, into her icy hands.

  Last night when her body and mind calmed enough for her to sleep, it was as if her unconscious mind attacked her, haunting with nightmares of Derek’s suicide where she stood outside his cell, screaming for help as she watched him die.

  How would she stop worrying she could’ve prevented his death? That she somehow played a part in it?

  “The nightmares will ease. It’ll take awhile, but it’ll get better.”

  How did he do that? See right through her as if she were a brand new glass pane. He’d done the same thing last night. He’d seen her fear, and understood it. But he hadn’t done what her family had when she tried talking to them. He hadn’t told her to move on, and get over it. He gave her permission to take the time she needed to cope.

  Tension settled around her like a fog, seeping into her bones. “The fact you guessed that is almost creepy.”

  “It wasn’t hard. Nightmares are pretty standard after what you learned last night. A lot of emotions got stirred up. Your brain keeps trying to process everything in your sleep.”

  “You’ve dealt with this a lot?”

  He nodded. “Every time something goes wrong on a case and someone ends up—” He hesitated. “Whenever someone gets hurt.”

  She knew hurt hadn’t been what he started to say. Whenever someone died. That was what he’d meant to say.