Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  Friday, January 15

  I woke up and did the normal routine. Walk dog, shower, go to work. I stared at the clock three thousand times willing it to move faster. I had a hot date and this was bullshit. I think time moved backwards just to piss me off.

  “Izzy, you seem awfully restless today,” Sheri asked. “Are you feeling well?”

  All the other ladies stared at me, waiting for my reply.

  “I actually have a date tonight. I met a nice guy and we’re going to see a movie.”

  They ooh’d and ahh’d and asked about him. I said he worked at a factory nearby and we met one day after work. They told me they hoped I had a nice evening.

  “Do you think you should take protection?” Vera asked me.

  “What?” I sputtered. “It’s our first date!”

  “I meant that you should take mace or pepper spray in case he turns out to be less than a perfect gentleman,” she clarified. “Good heavens, did you think I meant the OTHER kind of protection? I sure hope you wouldn’t need THAT already!”

  The other ladies blushed and laughed at the misunderstanding. If only they knew that the condoms were already purchased and I lived with the guy I was going on the first date with…well, let’s just say that the less they actually knew, the better.

  Five o’clock finally rolled around and I walked past Libby on the way out with my head held high. She turned the other way and refused to make eye contact.

  I met Dane out front and he looked impatient.

  “I’m kind of in a hurry to get home. I have a date tonight and it’s going to take a while to get ready,” he explained.

  “Oh, okay. Let’s go then. I don’t want you to be late. Girls don’t like to be kept waiting.”

  We drove through a burger place on the way home and I asked, “Why aren’t you taking this girl out for dinner first? If I may be so bold as to inquire.”

  “We just met and I really haven’t known her very long. She’s good enough that I would pay for a movie ticket, but I don’t know if she’s worth the cost of a whole meal.”

  My jaw dropped in outrage and he laughed.

  “What if she asks for popcorn at the movie? Are you going to tell her to buy her own?”

  “We’ll see what she wears and how hot she looks,” he responded.

  “I hope you talk to her a bit more respectfully than that.”

  “Oh, I will. She’s very classy. Almost royal, even. I should probably be addressing her as ‘your highness’ to get in good with her.”

  I rolled my eyes and mentally took inventory of my closet to figure out what to wear. As soon as we got home and I scarfed down a burger, it was time to get ready. The movie started at seven so I didn’t have to hurry too much. I ended up wearing dark blue skinny jeans and a pair of black heels with fancy silver chains across the top. I put on a very tight shirt that was the color of red wine. It had long sleeves but a plunging neckline. I tried it on in a store, fully aware that I would never have an occasion to wear it. It was on sale and it fit like it was made for me, so I couldn’t resist. It barely covered my bra. If it was a quarter of an inch lower, it wouldn’t have. I had a nice chunk of boob hanging out the top. I added a silver choker necklace to complete my look. Make-up applied, perfume sprayed, teeth brushed. I was ready to make my entrance.

  Ding Dong.

  Who the hell was at my front door now? I didn’t expect anyone.

  “Dane, can you get the door?” I yelled from my room. I wanted to make a grand entrance and I couldn’t surprise him if I had to go out and answer the door.

  Ding Dong.

  For some reason Dane was not replying to me. I poked my head out of my room and said, “Dane?” He was nowhere to be found. Okay. Weird.

  I walked up to the door and looked out the peephole. Guess who it was?

  “Hello, Izzy. I hope I’m not late for our date.”

  “No, not at all. I was just finishing getting ready when I heard the doorbell. Please come in.” He was pulling out all the stops tonight.

  He walked in the door and completely took my breath away. Holy Shit. He was wearing his new jeans and a tight black dress shirt from Murray that he hadn’t worn yet. His face was shaved and his hair was slicked back with the new mousse he got at the store. The cherry on top of the Dane sundae was his smell. I don’t know what shower gel he got, but it was freaking unbelievable. He smelled like…like…like the best thing I had ever smelled in my entire life. Manly musky testosterone. My hormones were raging off the chart. I wanted to pop off his clothes right then and there and forget the damn movie. It was indescribable. Just fresh and crisp and seductive. It called out to me on a primal level.

  Fortunately I was not the only one in shock. Dane gazed at me from head to toe like a lion sizing up a gazelle. I was prey and he was the leader of the pack.

  “I’ve been waiting over six months to see this fucking movie and do you think I’m going to be able to concentrate on one cock-sucking second of anything on the screen when you’re sitting next to me looking like that?” he asked.

  “Is that the way you talk to all the ladies on your first date with them?”

  “No. Because I didn’t want to fuck them as bad as I want to fuck you right now.”

  I squirmed. I wanted him too. This conversation was turning me on unbelievably bad.

  “No. I can’t let you do that,” I sighed in frustration. “You’ve wanted to see this movie for far too long. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be just as ready for action after the movie is over. The build-up and suspense will be worth it.” I was going to toy with him so bad that he’d be begging me for it by the end of the night. A nasty little plan was forming in my head and I loved it. I had to show him that I had some ideas, too.

  He stared at me unblinking, and finally nodded his head. “After you, madam.” And away we went.

  Dane already moved my car from the garage to the driveway so he could pretend to be picking me up for our date. I walked around to the passenger side and was surprised when he followed me.

  “Let me open the door for you, Izzy. I’m not Herman. I know how to treat a lady.” Oh! He remembered that I complained about Herman not opening my car door. That was so sweet.

  “You look exceptionally good tonight, Dane. Whatever cologne you’re wearing reminds me of a cross between Heaven and Hell. You smell like an angel, but it makes me want to do things that will get me a one way ticket straight to hell.”

  “Are you going to talk like that all night?” he whispered. “Because if you are, I’m going to turn this car right the fuck around and have my way with you.”

  “I’ll behave. I’m just expressing my honest opinion. That’s all.”

  I asked him to tell me what the movie was about and if there was anything I needed to know. I didn’t know if it was based on a comic book or what. Sometimes science fiction is hard to understand if you don’t have the backstory.

  He started to tell me a long story about Zombies, Vampires, and Aliens. I was paying attention, but I started to slowly trace my index finger over the top of my cleavage making circles as I went.

  “So the zombies…I mean the vampires…what the hell are you doing?” he asked.

  “I’m listening to you prep me for the movie. What does it look like I’m doing?”

  “No, you’re touching yourself.”

  “My breasts are usually covered up. I’m not accustomed to showing so much skin. I’m sorry, is that distracting you?” I knew damn well it was distracting him. My plan was working amazingly well. This was like taking candy from a baby!

  He shook his head and focused all his attention on the road. “Unbelievable,” he muttered.

  “Is something the matter?” I asked, innocently.

  “You know damn well what’s the matter. You’re making me crazy. On purpose! Is this some kind of a test to see if I’ll go through with the movie or turn the car around?”

  “No. I want you
to be drooling in anticipation for what comes after the movie. I want you to beg for it. I want it to live up to all your expectations and then some.” Look at me go!

  “I’m drooling already, no doubt about that.” He took my hand and placed it on his lap. “Do you feel how stiff that is? That’s all from you and your little game. Maybe it won’t be so fun later when I have my way with you. Think about that. You started this and I’m going to end it later. Remember that.”

  What have I gotten myself into? I think my mouth is writing a check that my ass can’t cash.

  We pulled into the movie theater parking lot and Dane got a really great spot that was close to the entrance. He reached his hand over and brushed my cheek with his finger. He leaned in very close to my ear and whispered, “Enjoy the movie. Afterwards…I own you.”

  He held my hand as we walked down the sidewalk and he even opened the door for me to go in the theater. For someone who was going to own me, he was very polite in public.

  Dane paid for the movie ticket and we waited in line for popcorn. I took a look around and felt very over-dressed. Some people were outfitted in costumes of aliens, zombies, and vampires. I guess this movie was pretty serious business.

  “Do you want to share a big popcorn, or do you want your own?” Dane asked.

  “While it’s flattering to know that you find me hot enough to spend money on popcorn, I’ll have to pass.”

  “Why? What’s wrong?”

  “The little kernels get stuck in my teeth and it’s too salty. I’m not a big fan of popcorn.”

  He raised his eyebrows at me and I realized that was not very seductive of an answer.

  “I’m sorry. What I meant to say was that there’s something else I’d rather have in my mouth later,” I hastily corrected.

  “Too late. We’ll have to go with the first answer. Is there something else you’d like instead of popcorn? Get whatever you want.”

  “I’m not hungry right now, but thanks. Are you going to get something to drink? Maybe I can share that with you?” This was a test and a very important one at that. I silently hoped he would pass.

  “Sure, I’ll get a large soda to go with my popcorn. Grab two straws if you want.”

  “Do you WANT me to grab two straws?” I asked, while my eyes locked on his intently.

  “Is that a trick question? Because I feel like I got lost somewhere in the conversation,” he admitted.

  “Just answer the question honestly. Do I need two straws or can I drink from yours?”

  “You can drink from mine. Why? What’s the big fucking deal?”

  “That was a test and you passed. Good job, Dane,” I said with a sigh of relief.

  “Um…what?”

  “One of my past boyfriends, who shall remain nameless, absolutely refused to let me share any of his food. I couldn’t drink out of his cup, I couldn’t use his straw, and he wouldn’t let me bite off his sandwich. It was really freaking annoying and it pissed me off to no end. So, since you’ll let me share your straw, you passed the test.”

  “You’re weird. Which boyfriend?”

  “Mr. Gay. I didn’t give Herman the test because I didn’t WANT to drink out of his glass and I knew the whole thing with him wasn’t going to work anyway,” I admitted while rolling my eyes.

  “Now that you mention it, I dated a girl who always made me order two of everything because she didn’t want to share with me. Which was strange because I know she liked me. A lot. On our fourth date she brought me home to meet her parents and her dad was at the kitchen table cleaning his shotgun. He asked me what my intentions were with his daughter. Her mom came into the room and pointed to the girl’s body and said, ‘she has good child bearing hips. You’re definitely going to want to lock that down before someone else beats you to it.’ The worst part was that the girl was not embarrassed at all. She acted like that was a perfectly normal conversation to be having. Needless to say, she did not make it to date number five.”

  “Whoa. And I thought I had bad luck. Your stories are better.”

  Dane got his popcorn and soda and we found seats in the theater. It was a lot more crowded than I thought it would be. The previews were pretty good and I have to say that I actually got into the movie. It was non-stop action. Dane happily crunched away on his popcorn. When he was finished, he put his arm around me and pulled me in close to snuggle against me. I ignored his advances because the movie held my complete attention. The humans were all but vanquished off the face of the earth and I wanted to find out who died next.

  Dane licked my earlobe and started massaging my shoulder.

  “What are you doing?” I asked him without looking away from the screen.

  “There are other things besides the movie that are currently holding my attention.”

  “No. That’s later. I have to find out who gets snuffed out next. I’m betting on the vampires. They all look like supermodels and they’re kind of whiny. I think the aliens can take out the zombies though. They’re more technologically advanced,” I theorized.

  “I hate to ruin it for you, but I think the vampire’s win. I thought you wanted to put something besides popcorn in your mouth,” he asked and gestured to his lap.

  “No, I’m all talk. I would never do that in a crowded theater. Shh…you’re making me miss the movie.” Was I supposed to be thinking about the sex later? Yeah, absolutely. But I was a sucker for a good action movie. Especially one with zombies.

  He sighed and returned his attention back to the big screen.

  When the movie ended, I was very excited to discuss it.

  “Could you believe the ending? The zombies were just another form of alien? That’s so lame. Zombies are zombies, they’re not aliens. Who wrote that crap? I can’t believe I wasted two hours of my life on that. And the vampires would never suck the zombie’s blood because they’d get the zombie virus. Geez. Let’s use some logic, people!”

  “You’re just pissed off because I knew the Vampires would win. The zombies destroyed the aliens and then became food for the vampires, leaving the vampires to rule the earth.”

  “In real life, vampires can’t eat zombies and all the humans are already dead! The vampires would starve to death. That was the worst movie ever.”

  “I hate to break it to you, but vampires and zombies don’t exist in real life. What happened to Ms. Seduction? Where’d she go?” he asked.

  “She’s pissed about that lame-ass movie.”

  “Can we get her back?”

  “Yeah. Just wait til we get home. She’ll make another appearance.”

  “Is there anything I can do to help her return?” he urged.

  “I thought YOU owned ME. That implies that you’re calling the shots tonight. No?” Let’s see where he’d go if I let him run with this.

  “I’m open to suggestions. No fantasy will be denied. No offer refused. Lay your cards on the table. What do you want?”

  Oh. That was one hell of a proposal. What DID I want?

  “Anything?” I asked.

  “ANYTHING,” he replied.

  “Ok. I have an idea,” I said and winked at him.

  “You’re really bad at winking, you know that? Your whole face moves. You’re only supposed to move your eye. Who taught you how to wink?”

  “Clearly NO ONE taught me how to wink and that’s why I suck at it. Do you want Ms. Seduction to stick around or not? Because my idea was pretty sweet.”

  “If it’s anything like your wink, I’m turned-on already.”

  We got back home and went in the house. Kitty thought that meant it was play time.

  “Dane, please take Kitty out to throw her ball and burn some energy. Give me five minutes. When you come back inside, the stage will be set for my fantasy. Will you do whatever I ask of you?” I purred.

  “Yes. Anything at all,” he said and winked. A real wink. A powerful, studly wink. I better step up my game and really up the ante on this whole s
ituation. Fortunately, I really do have a good plan. I’ve got this!

  I went to my room and made sure the bed was made and it was ready for action. Check. I went into the living room and grabbed a CD to put into the stereo. I know that sounds really old fashioned, but my computer had crappy speakers and I needed surround sound to make my plan really pop. My house might not be extravagant by any stretch of the imagination, but the previous owner loved to watch movies and he had a crazy set-up with several speakers built into the living room walls for maximum sound effects. If I watched an action movie, I felt like I was in a real theater. I also had a great electrical system with dimmer lights to mimic the theater experience. I guess the owner’s son worked at an electronics store and hooked his dad up with all the latest gadgetry. I got the music ready to go and I set the lights down just enough to emit a sensual vibe. It would have been epic if I had a flashing disco ball, but I have to work with what I’m given.

  Dane came in the house and called out, “Ready or not, here I come!”

  I stood in the hallway and leaned against the wall.

  “Are you ready to fulfill my fantasy? No matter what it might be?”

  “Yes. What do you want?”

  “It’s not a want, Dane. It’s a NEED.” I wonder how thick I should lay this on?

  “What do you need?” he stammered. I think he was actually nervous! Holy shit!

  I took a few steps to bridge the distance between us. I leaned up and whispered in his ear, “I need to see you naked. But I don’t just want you to take off your clothes. I need you to perform for me. I want my own private dancer. I want you to strip for me. Will you do that?” I prayed he was never an exotic dancer and this wouldn’t bring up any painful memories or something. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked that? Maybe I should know more about his past before I ask for stuff like this. “Is that ok? Is that something you’re willing to do?” I added.

  I moved away from his ear and dared a glance at his face. He wore the most wicked grin I had ever seen.

  “You have no idea what you just brought upon yourself. Prepare to be amazed, baby.”