Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  “I have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back so we can bask in the afterglow together and I can gaze adoringly at your naked body,” I declared.

  “Ok. That works for me,” he said lazily. I think he was starting to fall asleep. I don’t blame him. That was one hell of a performance.

  I went to the bathroom and then washed up. I looked at myself in the mirror and winked. Everyone was right, I had no wink skills at all. I did have a giant Cheshire cat grin on my face. I imagine that will remain there for quite some time.

  I returned to the bedroom and dug through one of my dresser drawers.

  “What are you doing?” Dane asked.

  “Looking for some pajamas to throw on.”

  “Why? Unacceptable. You sleep naked with me.”

  “It’s January. It’s cold,” I explained.

  “I’ll keep you warm.”

  I shrugged my shoulders and jumped into bed next to Dane. I got under the covers and he wrapped his arms around me. I snuggled into his chest and felt an immense sense of peace wash over my entire being. If this wasn’t Heaven on Earth, I didn’t know what was. I could die happy now.

  “I guess I should ask before I just assume things, Izzy. Is it okay if I spend the night in your bed or do you want me to go back to my place?”

  “Your place?” Was he hitch-hiking back to Chicago tonight?

  “You know…my place…the couch!”

  “No,” I said while laughing, “Your place is exactly where you are right now. I like this.”

  “Me too,” he admitted.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure…” he answered hesitantly.

  “Right before you plunged into my love cave, you asked me something strange.” I wanted to lighten the mood by using the phrase “love cave” because I wasn’t sure if he would take offense to my question. “You asked me why I wanted to have sex with you and why I didn’t say anything about your looks. What’s up with that?”

  “I knew you’d ask about that sooner or later. It’s just something I had to know.”

  He didn’t elaborate so I said nothing in response. I hoped he would continue his thought process so I could understand him more. He was still so much of a mystery.

  “I suppose it’s not going to kill me to open up to you just a little,” he began. “When I was thirteen, I got sent to a new foster family. They had a real daughter who was eight and two other foster children. It was me and a sixteen year old girl and six month old baby boy. They seemed okay. A bit distant, but nothing too horrible. They showed obvious favoritism to their daughter, but I guess that’s to be expected. The sixteen year old girl mostly kept to herself but their real daughter was very talkative. She liked to tell both of us how lucky we were to be allowed to live in her house and that she made all the rules and we had to do what she said. I had been there for a week, when the sixteen year old came into my room one night. Let me explain that my room was the size of a closet. It was actually supposed to be a giant closet, but they turned it into a room. So the girl came in and sat on my bed. She told me I could fuck her if I wanted. She said she’d let me do things to her. Keep in mind that I was a thirteen year old boy with raging hormones. Yet I still had the brains to wonder why she was offering herself up to me. Instead of just taking the opportunity of a lifetime, I asked her why. She told me that the only thing she was good for was fucking. The only thing that made her worth anything to anyone was her body. She said she liked to have a good time, but I could tell by the look on her face that she didn’t mean it. By this time I was pretty good at reading people. I was an expert at blending in to the background and observing my surroundings. I asked her why she wanted to have sex with me. I mean why not someone else? She said that I was nothing special, but I was convenient because I was the closest thing available. She told me that this foster dad wasn’t interested in her, unlike her last one that came into her room at night. She said she was just looking for another warm body to kill some time with. It didn’t matter who it was. If it wasn’t me, it would be someone else.”

  Dane looked up at the ceiling the entire time he was telling me this horrible memory from his past. I knew better than to say anything. Sometimes you didn’t want to have a conversation, you just had to get things off your chest and find someone to listen. I was glad I could be his audience. I gently rubbed his arm while he talked. I hoped it was comforting. I didn’t really know if he was fully in the present or if he went back in time to that particular moment.

  “I told her that I wasn’t interested in whatever she had to offer,” he continued. “I was only thirteen and I’d never had sex before. I knew I didn’t want it to be with someone who just told me I wasn’t special and really didn’t want to do it to begin with. This did not go over well with her at all. She took it as a giant rejection and she was already very fragile to begin with. She told me that I would regret turning her down. She said she would lie to the foster parents and tell them that I had tried to hurt her and force myself on her. This all would have happened and I would have had no one to believe me…if it hadn’t been for an eight year old eavesdropper. The real daughter was a very light sleeper and she heard the older girl walking around in the hall and come into my room. The daughter followed, wanting to know exactly what was going on. She was hoping to find us up to something so she could snitch. The daughter opened the door to my room and said, ‘You’re not telling my parents anything, girl. I love my parents and I’m not letting you lie to them. You’re not getting Dane in trouble. He’s my friend.’ The daughter liked me because I taught her how to tie her shoes. Who knew that such a simple act would later save my ass bigtime? So the daughter told the older girl that she saw her steal several things and if she tried to blame anything on me, the daughter would rat her out.”

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “The girl said nothing, the daughter said nothing, and the parents were none the wiser. Exactly two days later the older girl got caught shoplifting and was sent to juvenile detention. The parents decided that these depraved foster children were going to be a bad influence on their real daughter and they got rid of me. Of course they kept the baby. Babies were in demand because they were so cute and innocent. They’re kind of like puppies in the foster care system. Everyone wants the cute baby, but when it grows up to be mouthy and go through the toddler phase, then they give them back. Just like puppy that isn’t so cute after it bites and pisses in the house.”

  Dane stopped talking and closed his eyes. He had a very bitter expression on his face. I wondered just how many times he’d been passed around from family to family, never finding one that was permanent. My heart broke for him. I wanted to comfort him, but I knew he would equate my sympathy with pity. He seemed very proud and I think he would be angry if he thought for a second that I felt sorry for him.

  “I don’t really think I answered your question, Izzy. Before we had sex, I asked you why you wanted ME. I needed to know that I was more than a warm body to you. I wanted to hear you say it. I was fully expecting you to tell me how you wanted to live your Brick Wall fantasy, but you didn’t. You told me what you liked about me. The real me, not some superficial bullshit. You didn’t say one fucking thing about my appearance. Most people just look at me from the outside, but you took the time to look at the inside. I have more respect for you than you will ever realize.”

  Wow. I had no idea where that all came from. I was in awe that this beautiful man trusted me enough to share his feelings.

  “I’m kind of a pussy right now, aren’t I?” Dane asked. “If Spider heard any of that whole conversation he would bust my balls until the end of time. Sorry for getting all emotional on you. It’s been a long time since I had sex, and that was exceptionally good sex. I think something broke in my brain. The man part became disconnected and I turned into a sissy. Let’s not talk about that ever again, ok?”

  “I kind of like sensitive Dane,” I admitted before
kissing him on the cheek.

  There was a low whining noise from outside my bedroom door.

  “Can we add another lovely lady to the bed? My princess is sad to be locked outside. She needs company,” I explained.

  “I’m not one to turn down a bed full of ladies. The more the merrier,” Dane said as he got up to let Kitty into the room. She jumped up on the bed, spun around in a circle to get the perfect spot, plopped down, and let out a giant sigh.

  “My thoughts exactly, Kitty. I second your sigh of contentment.”

  We all drifted off to sleep, one bizarre happy little family.

  Saturday, January 16

  I don’t think I had more than three hours of uninterrupted sleep. Kitty woke me up to eat and I had to keep checking on Dane to see if he was still there or this was the best dream I ever had in my life. It was not a dream. Each time I cautiously opened my eyes, he was still there, lightly snoring with a peaceful expression on his face. He was magnificent. Kissably soft pink lips, muscular shoulders, strong hands. It doesn’t get my engines running to be with corporate types. Give me a man who knows how to use his hands any day of the week over some office suit who can’t tell the difference between a socket and a wrench. Dane’s tattoos just added to his appeal. They were so intricate and detailed. With the morning sun poking through the sides of my window coverings, I had a great view of his ink. It was truly splendid. I carefully traced my finger over his bicep, following the lines permanently marked there.

  “You can’t rub them off,” he said. Oh shit, I woke him up. That was not my intention. I wanted him to stay sleeping so I could stare at him in wonder and ask myself for the three hundredth time how someone so magnificent ended up in my bed. I’m not saying he was flawless, because he obviously had issues from his past, but don’t we all? He wasn’t perfect, but he was absolutely right for me.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I wanted to let you sleep since you don’t have to work today. I figured you needed to relax and get your energy back after your performance last night. What are you planning on doing today?”

  “You,” he said.

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you. I plan on doing you today. I enjoyed it so thoroughly yesterday, that I figured I’d have a repeat performance today. Well, not a repeat. Something entirely different, yet equally amazing. Are you up for that?”

  “I could probably squeeze you into my schedule,” I confirmed.

  Dane laughed. Very hard.

  “Do you realize what you just said?” Dane asked. “You could squeeze me in? Nice pun. Good to see you’re on top of your game today.”

  I rolled my eyes. That was purely coincidental. I was too tired to be that creative.

  “I’m hungry. What do you want for breakfast? You must be famished after that workout you got.” The least I could do was cook breakfast for him in appreciation.

  “I want a shower more than anything. Do you want to go out for breakfast? I’ll pay. I had a cheap date last night. It only cost me thirty bucks for the movie and I budgeted fifty. My date didn’t want popcorn, so I have money left over.”

  “Nah. It’s too early to have to look presentable. Besides I have eggs that are going to expire in the fridge. You want an omelet? I have ham, mushrooms, onions, and cheese.”

  “Sold! That sounds delicious. Let me take a quick shower and I’ll help be your prep cook.”

  “Fine. I’ll get dressed after breakfast,” I said, right before a giant yawn overtook me.

  Dane went to get cleaned up and I stayed in bed, basking in my newfound confidence. I was a goddess. It felt good. I had exactly two minutes to reminisce about last night, when the phone rang and interrupted my daydream. It was Winter.

  “It’s nine in the morning,” I told her. “Your rule is no calls before ten. What’s the emergency?”

  “I’m reading a book and I had to call you. I bought it because Carmen told me how amazing it was and she was right. I’m going to make you read this when I’m done. It’s supposed to have the hottest sex scenes to melt your eyeballs off. I’m on chapter three and I have to say that I’m highly impressed. I haven’t learned anything yet, which isn’t surprising since I’m practically an expert. I’m a sexpert. I should get that printed on business cards.”

  “I don’t need to read a steamy romance novel. Do you want to know why? Because I’m LIVING one!”

  “Shut the fuck up! What’s going on with you and Dane? Tell me. I’m putting the book down RIGHT NOW so I can fully focus on you. Give me the details!”

  “A lady never tells,” I said. “I will say that he’s freaking balls-to-the-wall intense. Totally explosive. I saw fireworks. And confetti. And I think there might be a parade in his honor today. He’s THAT fabulous. All those times I listened to your stories and I wondered if you were lying. You were NOT. It really CAN be that mind-blowing. My mind was blown.”

  “Did you just use ‘balls-to-the-wall’ in a sentence? I fucking love you right now, Izzy. I haven’t had anything since the flaccid fuck of snowpocalypse night. I need to live vicariously through you.”

  “That’s sad. Usually it’s the other way around.”

  “You think I don’t know that? It IS sad. Doesn’t matter. I’ve had enough to last me for a while. It’s your turn now. I’m so happy for you. You deserve a real man to show you a thing or two. You’ve been through a lot in your life. I just want my friends to be happy.”

  “Thanks, Winter. I love you, too. Speaking of happy friends, have you talked to Monica? I sent her a text yesterday, but she didn’t reply. I’m worried about her. She’s been so withdrawn. Are we going to have to do an intervention?”

  “Not yet. If she doesn’t call us all weekend, then we can panic. What are you up to today?”

  “Not much. How about you? What do you have going on?”

  “Nothing good. I have to work all day. It’s the first time I’m going to work with Carmen after the whole ‘your redheaded cousin is a giant whore’ incident. I hope she’s not pissed. She has no reason to be. That bitch was obnoxious.”

  “I know. Holy shit. I haven’t told you what happened on Thursday!” I said with excitement. I explained the whole “Dane put Libby in her place” incident and Winter was laughing through the entire thing.

  “Did he really say she wanted him to impregnate her with his virile sperm? That guy is hilarious! Just so you know, my mom totally loved him. She thinks he’s perfect for you. She wants to know if he has any friends for me.”

  “He talks about his best friend a lot. The guy’s name is Spider. Do you really want to be with someone named Spider?”

  “Well I’m sure it’s not his REAL name. Maybe he likes spiders. Maybe he has tarantulas. Those are cool. I don’t care if his name is rumple-fucking-stiltskin if he’s smoking hot,” Winter admitted.

  “His nickname is Spider because he has one tattooed on his neck. And because he ATE one. Still want to meet him?”

  “Maybe. Get me a picture of him and I’ll let you know for sure.”

  “Oh, Dane also said Spider has a band,” I added. That was sure to grab her attention.

  “What? Why didn’t you LEAD with that information? You know how I have a thing for musicians!”

  “You have a thing for ANYONE. Guys with motorcycles, guys in bands, guys with tattoos, guys with convertibles, guys with leather jackets, guys who are tall, guys who are dangerous, guys with criminal records, guys with piercings in bizarre places…need I go on?”

  “I seriously think you just named my last dozen boyfriends, Izzy. Good to see you’re paying attention. Get me this guy’s photo and hook me up!”

  “He’s in Chicago. Go get him yourself!”

  “Who’s getting someone in Chicago?” Dane asked, walking into the room to put his wet towel in the laundry basket.

  “I’m on the phone with Winter. She may or may not want to meet Spider,” I said.

  “Why does she want to meet
him?” Dane asked in confusion.

  “She has a thing for tattooed, nicknamed musicians,” I explained.

  “Please specify that they MUST be good-looking,” Winter said on the other end of the phone.

  “Don’t be too picky,” I advised her.

  “Spider can be pretty difficult to nail down. He thinks very highly of himself because he’s the guitarist and lead singer in a band,” Dane said.

  “Hell yeah,” Winter squealed in my ear. She had a weakness for guitarists. Something about them being good with their hands.

  “Shit, I’m getting a call on the other line. It’s work and I have to take it. Talk to you later!” Winter said as she hung up the phone.

  “I think we’ve created a monster,” I told Dane. “She’s going to be obsessed with him until you give her his phone number.”

  “They’d probably hit it off. She’s exactly his type.”

  “You and your stupid ‘types.’ I’m not your type, Winter is Spider’s type.”

  “Spider is wild and so is Winter. They’ll both try to out-do each other. Let me make this perfectly clear, Izzy. I don’t want drama like that. I want stability. I also want an omelet. Let’s get cooking!”

  So we did. Best omelet I ever had. I was having a lot of “bests” lately.

  ---------------------------------------------------

  This was turning into one of the best days that I’ve had lately. Everything with Izzy was getting better and better. I feel like she really gets me. That girl makes me laugh and God knows she makes me hard. What more could a guy want? I am still amazed she was willing to go to that cheesy Sci-Fi movie with me last night. Most girls would insist on seeing some rom-com shit. Don’t get me started on the sex afterwards. Fuck. I wanted to do so much more with her. All hope of lasting more than four minutes went right out the window the second I got inside of her. Damn. She was so fucking ready. I could have done anything and she would have gone right along with it. When she looked up at me and demanded I fuck her like my life depended on it and that she’d kill me if I stopped…let’s just say I appreciated her enthusiasm. I loved the look on her face when I was dancing. She was devouring me with her eyes. Normally I don’t want to be eye candy, but with her I don’t even care. She proved to me that I’m more than just a good time when she answered my question. She had no idea what that meant to me.