Z-Burbia: A Zombie Novel

by Bible, Jake

  Someone drags the wounded woman inside the gate while crews one, two, and three, move fast through the Zs left. Ten minutes and we’re done, leaving the rotten corpses to the ever efficient Edna Strom and her Z cleanup crews.

  “Inside and strip down,” Stuart orders and we all follow, as we catch our breaths and begin to undress once inside the safety of the gate. “Double and triple checks, people.”

  We go through the motions of inspecting each other’s naked bodies. No modesty is allowed in the apocalypse. You have to be cleared by three people before you get the okay to grab your clothes and make your way home. It’s a noble walk of shame, but still pretty shameful, as your nether regions are on full display for the neighborhood to see.

  “Looking good, Dad,” Charlie says as he comes jogging up to me. “You really should work on your ass tan. No one wants to see those white buns.”

  “Thanks, bud,” I smile. “Way to make your old man feel good about himself.”

  Charlie leans in. “Mom’s pissed. Just a heads up. She didn’t think you were going outside the gate.”

  “The heads up redeems the previous comment,” I say. “We are square.”

  “We can never be square as long as you use the word square,” Charlie says, and sprints off towards our house a couple blocks away.

  I look and see Greta laughing and pointing at me. Nice kids I have. My wife, however, is not laughing. She is pointing. Pointing daggers at me with her eyes.

  I get home, toss the soiled clothes in the “decon” hamper (unless they are really soiled, then it’s incinerator time), and grab a shower. Stella is waiting for me when I step from the shower stall.

  “Hey, hon,” I grin, which instantly slips from my face as I see the look on hers.

  “We’ve talked about this,” she says.

  “I know, but I had no choice,” I reply. “The amount of Zs coming had to be handled. Plus…”

  “Plus, what?”

  “Plus, I needed to blow off some steam,” I say quietly. “Stuart took out eight bums. Five were children.”

  Stella’s hand goes to her mouth and her eyes tear up. “Children?” she chokes. “He did that on his own?”

  I shake my head.

  “Who gave the order?” she asks when she doesn’t need to. Her eyes narrow and her face goes red with fury. “That woman. That crazy bitch. One day, Jace, I’m going to give her what she deserves. I promise you that.”

  “I know, I know,” I say. “She’s evil. Kept throwing the last resolution in Stuart’s face.”

  “He didn’t have to kill them!” Stella nearly shouts then quiets down, not wanting our kids to hear. “He could have stood up to her.”

  “He could have, but he didn’t. Stuart is a good soldier. He follows the orders of the person in charge. Like it or not, Brenda is in charge. At least until the next election of HOA Board members.”

  “Which is months away,” Stella growls.

  “Let it go,” I say. “It’ll just eat you up. I’m compartmentalizing today in that little black hole in the back of my brain. I’m not going to think about it again until I’m seventy and senile.”

  Even I know this is bullshit, but it’s one of the many lies I tell myself to get through each day.

  “How was your day, dear?” I grin as I towel off and get dressed. “Learn them childrens good?”

  Stella, having been a schoolteacher for fifteen years pre-Z, has the honor of teaching all eighteen of the school age kids in the neighborhood. She has the dishonor of teaching them in two rooms that we “borrow” from the Church of Jesus of the Light (CJL). Yep, there is a church in our fair neighborhood. But, and this is a huge but, it is not part of Whispering Pines. The first developer for the subdivision actually purchased all the land around this church for a decent price, promising to give right of way to the church in perpetuity. Then the developer went bankrupt. The developer that built all the houses, and truly made Whispering Pines, got the land for a steal, but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get rid of the CJL.

  That wouldn’t have been so bad if the CJL wasn’t run by an ancient preacher that honestly believed we were all being punished for our sins by God. And, of course, the Zs were the righteous punishment. He was keen on pointing this out to everyone within earshot at least fifty times a day. Poor Stella had to deal with him all day long. She kept him away from the kids, but it was as much work as teaching was.

  “I punched Preacher Carrey,” Stella says.

  “Shit! You did?”

  “No, of course not,” she frowns. “But it did come close. I had his ass backed up against a wall and if your son hadn’t intervened, I think I would have done worse than punch him.”

  “And why did you have his ass backed up against a wall?”

  “Because he stuck his head in to the younger kids’ room and said, and I am quoting verbatim, that each of them ‘were going to hell for what their parents were doing at the gate. Good luck burning in the pits, you miserable bastards.’ He said that. To kids as young as five, Jace. The man is evil.”

  “A lot of people are evil in your book,” I say. “You may need a new description.”

  “There’s a lot of evil around these days,” she glares, “or haven’t you noticed?”

  “I have,” I say.

  “Dad!” Charlie calls from downstairs. “Someone’s at the door for you!”

  “Someone?” I ask. “He knows everyone in the whole neighborhood. He also knows not to yell.”

  “Be nice,” Stella says, “he was my hero today.”

  “I’ll be nice,” I reply as I hurry downstairs, “don’t worry.”

  “I am hardly just someone,” Mindy Sterling says from my front door.

  A woman in her mid-thirties, fat, but not all jiggly fat, strong, but not muscular, Mindy is head of Neighborhood Security. This is like neighborhood watch and the police rolled into one dysfunctional unit. She used to be part of Zenith Property Management, which was the company that oversaw all the enforcement of the HOA covenants for the developer and the HOA. Lucky for us, she was in the neighborhood when Z-Day came a calling. We’ve been stuck with her ever since. Needless to say, Mindy answers to the HOA Board, which answers to Brenda, which means Mindy is Brenda’s bitch. And she actually likes it that way. She doesn’t have to think, gets to bully folks around, and pretends she is indispensible. Basically the same job as she had before, but with more death and zombies.

  “You left your bike down by the gate,” Mindy says, pointing to my bike in the front lawn. “I brought it up for you. You know it’s against the covenants of the HOA to leave personal items just lying around. I will give you a warning today, Jace, but next time, I confiscate that bike.”

  I blink at her a few times and then shake my head. “Uh, thanks?”

  “And tell your son to address me as Ms. Sterling when I come to your door,” Mindy says as she walks away. “Calling me, ‘someone’, is disrespectful. I have made note of that.”

  “Good for you, Mindy,” I call after her. “We’d hate for things to get disrespectful in the apocalypse!”

  She ignores me, which is really for the best.

  My phone buzzes and I see a text from Jon.

  “I don’t know what Mrs. Hoss did today, but I have Brenda up my ass to come talk to my ‘Brother Of God’, whatever the fuck that means, and calm him down. He’s at her house raving like a mad man and wants your wife brought up on charges.”

  “Sorry about that,” I reply. “Want me to come with her?”

  “I want your wife to come with you, so we can sort this out,” Jon texts. “And I want everyone to remember that I’m Head of Construction. I gave up my ministering days long before Z-Day. Why doesn’t everyone get that?”

  “Because of the halo and choir of angels that follow your sorry ass around,” I respond. “Tell Brenda you are on your way, but swing by here first. Okay?”

  “Sure. Fine. Whatever. Suck my holy dick.”

  “Your dick only
has one hole,” I joke.

  “At least I have a dick, dick. Now stop texting me. I can’t text and walk at the same time. Plus, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal and against the HOA covenants. Don’t want to get pulled over by Herr Mindy. I can’t outrun those Reeboks she got at the last swap meet.”

  “See ya in a minute.”

  “I said to stop texting me, so stop! Shit! Are those shoe sirens? Crap, she’s coming to get me, Hoss! Police brutality! Police brutality!”

  By the time we stopped texting, he was at my front door.

  “Hold on,” he says, holding up a hand as he types into his phone.

  “Eat shit and die,” the text says on my phone.

  “Okay, all done,” he grins. “Where’s Stella?”

  “Right here, Jon,” she says as she comes around the corner. She hugs him and gives a big kiss on his cheek. “Come on in. Jace made sun tea yesterday. Want a glass?”

  “I sure would,” he smiles. “But let’s make it to go. We’re going to Brenda’s to undo whatever it is you done did.”

  Stella frowns. Jon frowns. Both look at me.

  “You didn’t tell her?” Jon asks.

  “I thought I’d let you do it,” I say, “she likes you better.”

  “Right now I do,” Stella says. “And I’m not going anywhere near that man. Not unless it’s to put him down, finally”

  “Stella, darling,” Jon starts.

  “Don’t darling me,” Stella says. “I don’t even let Jace darling me. The answer is no.”

  “Do I have to say it?” Jon asks. “Do I?” He can see from the look on Stella’s face that he does. “The well is on CJL property. If we piss off Carrey, then he cuts off our water. Gone. Dry. No water for houses, no water for crops, no water for anything.”

  “Then we shut off his power,” Stella says, crossing her arms. “Right, Jace? He stops our water, and we cut the power line to the CJL. We own all of the wind turbines and solar arrays.”

  “People can live without power,” Jon says, “they can’t live without water.”

  “The river is just across the road down there,” Stella says. “We can get water from there.”

  “Not clean water, hon,” I say, knowing I’m digging my own grave. “The French Broad is contaminated as shit. Literally. The sewage processing plant upstream has been leaking for months since the fail safes started to give out. Pretty soon, it’ll just be a river of shit and piss. We need the well.”

  “Et tu, Jason?” she says.

  I give her a weak smile and look at Jon.

  “Just three seconds of ass kissing will save us all,” Jon says. “You’ll be a suck up hero. I’ll make sure the whole neighborhood knows it.”

  Stella grumbles a minute and then calls over her shoulder, “I have to go fight a dragon, kids. Be back with your father soon.”

  “Okay,” they both yell.

  Jon and I wince.

  “Quiet down,” Jon says.

  “Mindy was just in the area,” I explain. “She’s looking for a reason to bust me. Your yelling is a perfect reason.”

  “Fine, whatever,” Stella says as she closes the front door. “Why’s your bike in the front yard?”

  “It followed me home and then collapsed there,” I say.

  “Smart ass.”

  The walk is pleasant, as it has become a nice late summer evening. The sun is still up, but the air has turned and a hint of fall wafts by. We only have to walk a couple blocks before we get to Brenda’s house. We can all hear Preacher Carrey bellowing inside.

  “Jesus, what did you do?” Jon whispers.

  “I let him live,” Stella says and barges inside without knocking.

  I shrug. Jon shrugs. We follow.

  The scene before us is one of wild chaos. It’s as if a carnival barker had decided never to wash his clothes, himself, or anything he lived in/on/near. Then, for good measure, decided to take a bath in Old Spice. Preacher Carrey paced in front of us, his hands gesticulating, his wispy white hair standing on end, and his eyes rolling in his head over and over and over and-

  “There she is!” Carrey shouts. “The harpy of the dell!”

  “Is that an official title?” I ask.

  “Don’t remember that being in the scripture,” Jon says, “and I think I’ve read it all.”

  “It’s in the unabridged version,” I reply.

  “Oh, I just have the Cliff’s Notes version, skips all the begats and gets right to the sodomy and rape,” Jon smiles.

  “You…you!” Carrey says, his finger leading the accusatory way across the room at Stella.

  I instinctively get in front of her, but Carrey leans around me, reaching with that finger, as if he could burn her at the stake with its touch.

  “You are not welcome in my house!” Carrey shouts. We all wince at the noise.

  “I thought it was God’s house?” Stella asks calmly. Too calm. I know that calm. Not a good calm. I wish I could get away from that calm, but, too late for that.

  “You dare blaspheme?” Carrey snarls.

  “How exactly am I blaspheming?” Stella smiles. A calm smile. Yikes! “Please, do tell, Preacher. How have I blasphemed?”

  “Your unclean presence is blasphemy enough!” he screeches.

  “That’s not a reason,” Stella says, and then looks at Brenda. “Are we done here? He’s just going to keep saying that. We’ve all been here before.”

  “I call an embargo on your water!” Preacher Carrey yells, his hands above his head, his eyes doing that rolling, rolling, rolling thing.

  “Preacher, please,” Brenda pleads. “Be reasonable. There are children and elderly to think of.”

  “Then you should have thought of them before you took up with this lot!” Carrey yells, his arms sweeping towards us.

  “Lot?” Jon smirks. “I think you have your parables mixed up, Mr. Carrey.”

  “You do not lecture me in the ways of God!”

  “Wouldn’t think of it,” Jon replies. “Pretty sure God will sit you down and lecture you on his own, in his time.”

  “Embargo! EMBARGO!” Carrey leaves.

  “Who runs Bartertown?” I whisper. Jon tries not to laugh, but ends up snorting snot out his nose.

  “Oh, my God, you two,” Stella scolds. “You’re worse than the kids.”

  “People, people!” Brenda cries. “We need to resolve this!”

  “Fine,” Stella says and clocks Carrey. The man drops to the floor, his mouth bloody and his eyes wide with surprise. She closes on him, shoving me out of the way. “No embargo or I gut you myself, you sanctimonious asshole. I will hunt you down and kill you no matter where you run to. You leave my family alone, you leave the children alone, and I let you live. Cross me again, and I string you up by your balls, and then lower you to the Zs on the other side of the gate.”

  Carrey stares at her for what feels like several minutes, but is only a few seconds.

  “Okay,” he says quietly and gets up. “Okay. God will have your reward waiting for you in the afterlife. I have done what I can.”

  “Uh, so no embargo?” Brenda asks.

  “No,” Carrey says and leaves.

  “Well, that couldn’t have gone any better,” Jon says. “Can we go now?”

  “No,” Brenda says, looking at me and then at Jon. “Stella can, now that’s taken care of, but not you two.”

  “Good,” Stella says. “I’m going to go take a long bath. In the water I just kicked ass for.”

  “Mind your rations,” Brenda says as my wife leaves and waves. I’m pretty sure there was a middle finger in the wave. “Did she flip me off?”

  “No, not at all,” I lie. “So what do you need from us?”

  “Carl has alerted me to a serious issue,” Brenda says, motioning for us to sit down.

  We do and wait. She waits. We wait. There is a lot of waiting.

  “If this were even remotely suspenseful, I’d be dead,” Jon says, “but it’s just boring and wasting my time.
What do you need, Brenda?”

  “Carl has found an issue with the grid,” Brenda says.

  “I gathered that from your last statement,” Jon says. “And the issue is…?”

  “We are losing half the grid in the next few weeks,” Brenda says. “There were some miscalculations with the battery capacity and, well, to make a long story short, we need to scavenge more batteries if we want to keep the grid at full capacity.”

  “Maybe cutting back isn’t such a bad idea,” Jon says, holding out his phone. “I’m not particularly keen on having this thing tethered to me. Do we really need Wi-Fi communications? Or power so kids can play Xbox and adults can watch BluRays? It is the apocalypse you know.”

  “Keeping the traditions of society is how we keep society alive,” Brenda counters.

  “A good sharp stick is how we keep society alive these days,” I say, but regret it as soon as I see the anger on her face. This is obviously something she wants done. And when Brenda wants something done…

  “Let’s say we agree,” Jon says. “Why us? Why aren’t you talking to my wife? She’s Head of Scavenging. It’s her crew that will go out.”

  “Because we need her and her crew to go out looking for food,” Brenda says. “Stubben has informed me that this year’s crops are not up to par. We will need to supplement with canned goods and other found food.”

  “What has Tran said?” I ask. Tran is my Vietnamese neighbor. His accent is so thick that we mainly communicate with nods and hand signals, because I suck at accents. “He’s Head of Food Service.”

  “He’s also a Chatty Kathy,” Brenda says. “I tell him and the whole subdivision knows. I can’t have that.”

  A Chatty Kathy? Tran? Now I feel real bad for not being able to decipher what he says. God, I suck as a neighbor.

  “I need you two because-” she points at Jon, “-you are head of construction and will know what to look for. And you-” my turn for the pointing, “you are our problem solver. Between the two of you, I know you can get all the batteries we need.”