Z-Burbia: A Zombie Novel

by Bible, Jake

  They all stand and shake hands, talking about their fears and worries, but as far as I can tell, all are committed. Big Daddy keeps me back as the barn clears out. Critter just sits there, watching them all go. When the barn is empty, Buzz comes in and closes the barn doors.

  “The twins are outside keeping watch,” Buzz says, “you figure it out?”

  “Ed Chenewick,” Critter says. “He’s one, I’m sure. There could be others, but I know it’s Ed.”

  Buzz nods and leaves quickly. I can see the twins, Pup and Porky, standing outside, looking like they’re having a casual conversation. The barn doors close and I turn on Big Daddy and Critter.

  “Care to tell me what’s really going on?”

  “I’ve been acquainted with Vance for a long time,” Critter says.

  “I get that,” I say.

  “No, you don’t,” Critter insists. “I knew the man before Z-Day and knew what resources he had. When it all went to hell, I sought the guy out, thinking he’d have a plan, maybe. This was before I got my head on straight. I found him in his house, crazy as a loon. He was feeding his wife and kids bits of people. Had them chained in his basement home theater. I got the hell out of there quick as I could.”

  “I’m not following you,” I say.

  “I haven’t let the man out of my sight,” Critter says. “Once I couldn’t keep my eye on him, I made sure someone loyal to me did. I have had Vance under surveillance since Z-Day. He went from lost his marbles crazy, to found his marbles in a pile of shit and put them back in his head without wiping them off crazy.”

  “This day has been coming for a while,” Big Daddy says, “I’m just sorry it hit you first.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything to us? Get a message to Melissa and warn her? You could have saved Jon’s life?”

  “Because Vance has spies everywhere!” Critter shouts. “Wake up, boy! You think all of these farms have survived because we’ve been holding hands and singing Kum Ba Yah? I’m the best scavenger there is and my crew is second to none. You think Melissa’s good? Who the hell do you think taught her? But even being as good as I am, I can’t find everything. Yet some of these farms have been replacing parts and equipment without me knowing how.”

  “And we’ll know tomorrow morning who to trust?” I ask.

  “Mostly,” Big Daddy says. “That was just a smoke screen. Critter has men trailing each family. As soon as the traitors send out messengers, they’ll be nabbed. I’m willing to bet that some of the back stabbers will still show up in the morning, playing their part. They’ll think their messages got through to Vance and he knows we’re on our way.”

  “But we’ll have grabbed the messages and he won’t? If he’s as good as you think, then he’ll know we’re coming no matter what. Gonna be hard to hide a group our size.”

  “And we won’t be hiding it,” Big Daddy says. “We’ll let Vance see us coming. It’s you he won’t see coming.”

  “Me?”

  “And Critter,” Big Daddy says. He suddenly looks very tired, his eyes shifting to his brother. “You sure they’ll be on board?”

  “I’m sure,” Critter says, “they owe me.”

  “Who owes you?” I ask.

  “You’ll see,” Critter says. “So let’s get going.”

  “What? Now? Where?”

  “Again, you’ll see,” Critter says as he goes to the back of the barn towards a small door. “Come on, boy. We ain’t got all day.”

  I look at Big Daddy and shake my head. “What the hell is going on? I can’t just leave. I have to tell Stella!”

  “I’ll make sure Stella and your kids are alright. You have my word on that,” he says, “but Critter is right, you don’t have all day. We played part of our hand by having this meeting. Everything is set in motion and can’t be stopped. You go with Critter. He’s got this part worked out. You’ll see.”

  I stand there, frozen with indecision.

  “Do I need to give you some countdown?” Critter asks. “Three, two, one. There, let’s go.”

  I look back at Big Daddy and he answers before I can ask again. “They’ll be safe. So will everyone else. Hurry along now. Daylight is burning.”

  I just go with it. I follow Critter out the back and he hands me a pack from the ground. He picks up one for himself and slings it over his shoulder.

  “Food and water,” Critter says. “Plus a Browning .45 and three extra magazines, if you need it. May want to get that out and keep it handy.”

  I do, slipping the slide on holster to my belt. I sling the pack over my own shoulder and we are off, hurrying into the tall grass and then slipping into the shadows of a grove of oaks and pines. I look back over my shoulder and my stomach clenches. God, I hope I’ll see my family again.

  My guess is, we have been hiking for about three hours, Critter not bothering to hide his disdain at the pace we have to keep because of my leg, before I notice we are going in circles.

  “How many times are we going to pass that rock?” I ask.

  “As many times as it takes,” Critter says.

  “Are you lost?”

  “Am I what? Boy, don’t make me smack you.”

  “I don’t get it. Then why are we going in circles and doubling back on ourselves? You think we’re being followed?”

  “We’re being watched. You’re about to see what I found.”

  “By walking aimlessly?”

  “Only aimless if there ain’t a purpose to it,” Critter replies.

  “Care to let me in on the purpose?”

  “Don’t need to,” he says.

  “You are infuriating,” I say as I shake my head.

  That’s when I see him, walking on my other side.

  “Hey,” the man says, “the water in your canteen filtered?”

  I look at him for a second then down at the canteen hooked to my belt.

  “Uh,” is all I can say.

  “It’s filtered,” Critter says, still hiking along like there isn’t some guy that’s made of muscle and armed to the teeth walking next to me.

  Military. Not hard to tell. The way he walks, they way he’s dressed all in black, the smears and smudges of mud across his face and forearms, how he holds his rifle, which is a funny looking thing.

  “MP-5,” the man says, reading my mind. “Quiet as all fuck. Unlike you.”

  “The boy’s from suburbia,” Critter says.

  “Don’t call me a boy,” I say.

  “I’ll stop once I know you’re a man,” Critter replies. “How far we got, Stick?”

  “Just over the ridge,” the man (Stick?) says. “Captain is wondering why you brought a gimp with ya.”

  “You’ll see,” Critter says.

  We get over said ridge and I see nothing, just a small clearing surrounded by maples. Critter just walks down to the center and takes a seat. He motions for me to do the same. I do and Stick relieves me of my Browning. In seconds, without a single leaf rustling or branch snapping, four men come walking into the clearing, all as in shape and equipped as Stick.

  “Captain,” Critter nods, “it’s time.”

  The man Critter addresses looks at me and motions for me to stand up.

  “Captain Walter Leeds,” he says, holding out his hand.

  I shake his hand and he points at the rest of the men.

  “You met Weapons Sergeant Danny ‘Stick’ Kim,” he says. “This is Master Sergeant Joshua Platt. Engineer Sergeant Dale ‘Cob’ Corning. Medical Sergeant Alex ‘Reaper’ Stillwater. And Weapons Sergeant, Sammy ‘John’ Baptiste is in one of the trees with crosshairs on the back of your head.”

  “Temple,” I hear a voice call out. I have no idea where it is.

  Captain Leeds rolls his eyes. “I don’t give two standing fucks where your bead is, John. And don’t give away your position like that again.”

  “Roger,” the voice says. I’m pretty sure it has already moved.

  “Smart ass,” Leeds says and turns to Critter. “So Vance i
s making his play?”

  “Tell him,” Critter says as he lays back and rests his head on his pack. He closes his eyes and sighs. “And sell it good.”

  “Sell it?” I ask. “Sell what?”

  “The job,” Leeds says. “The reason we’re here.”

  “Go on,” Critter says, not bothering to open his eyes. “Just start from the beginning.”

  So I do. I tell the men everything I know while my mind tries to wrap around what I’m seeing. These guys are soldiers. Not just any soldiers, but like Special Forces or something. When I’m done talking, I wait for a response. And wait. And wait.

  “Platt?” Leeds asks finally.

  “We’ll have to come in wet,” he says. “Circle around and hit from the back.”

  “The cliff?” I say, shaking my head. “You won’t get through the wire. Plus there’s the cliff.”

  “Oh, a cliff,” Cob says. “Well we better not go then. Cliffs are scary.”

  You’d think I’d be used to being mocked by now, but I’m not.

  “Night cover,” Platt continues. “We’ll already be in when the main group hits.”

  “You think Vance will let them get to the gate before he strikes?” Leeds asks.

  “Probably not,” Cob answers. “He’ll send out his bikes to start picking people off. Get them scared and harried before he hits them.”

  “So we have to get him harried first, or a lot of inexperienced people are going to die,” Leeds says.

  My mind is on fire. I’m looking from one speaker to the next like it’s a fucking ping pong game. They are rattling off tactics and plans so fast I can barely keep up. Most of it is in abbreviations and soldier speak. I’m clueless.

  “How close can we get before we have to be boots down?” Leeds asks Critter. “What gear can you provide?”

  “Whatever you need,” Critter says. “I’ll take you shopping on the way back. We can Humvee it in for a good stretch. Take the old trails so we miss Vance’s scouts. But we’ll have to hoof it for at least a mile or two to the river. May be easier to go south and float down.”

  “And be sitting ducks?” Stick laughs. “Great plan, old man.”

  Critter shrugs, his eyes still closed. “Just spit ballin’.”

  “We’ll go south and cross the river,” Leeds says. “Then hike it in to the backside from Jonestown Rd. It’ll be night and we’ll have plenty of Zs to watch out for, but it’s our best bet. I can guarantee that Vance has men all up and down the French Broad close to the subdivision. He’ll be expecting something, just not from the direction we’ll be coming.”

  “Wait,” I say, my mind finally catching up. “The main group is all decoy? And we’re the cavalry?”

  “You aren’t anything, civvie,” Stick says. “You’re a liability.”

  “That knows the layout of the neighborhood,” I say smugly. They just stare at me. “What?”

  “We’ve been in your neighborhood more than once,” Leeds says. “You have the tan couches, right? And the pool table?”

  I try to swallow, but my mouth has gone dry.

  “We get bored,” Reaper says, finally speaking. “Like really bored.”

  A low whistle has everyone crouching and backing into the underbrush.

  “What the fuck?” I say.

  Critter’s eyes are open now.

  “Company,” he whispers. “Fuck me. How the hell were we followed? No one can track me.”

  “Should we hide?” I ask, spinning about. “Where the fuck did they all go?” I stop spinning and look at the top of the ridge. “Ah, shit.”

  Elsbeth.

  She’s standing there with The Bitch in her hand, her eyes darting from side to side. I see a tiny red dot light up on her chest. Then another one and another. She looks at me and frowns, and then looks down at herself. Her eyes go wide and she looks up at me in alarm.

  “Don’t shoot!” I shout. “She’s friendly! I repeat! She’s friendly!”

  “You don’t have to repeat,” Stick says from right behind me.

  I cry out and nearly piss myself as the others come out of the brush.

  “It’s that cannibal girl,” Platt says. He looks over at me. “She’s with you?”

  “She is now,” I say. “Long story.”

  “Make it a short one,” Leeds says. They wait.

  I fill them in.

  “Anything else we should know?” Leeds asks. “Any other strays you brought home?”

  “Nope,” I say, “that’s it.”

  “You any good with a rifle?” Stick asks Elsbeth. “I’ve seen you use that bat and blades, but can you shoot?”

  “Don’t need to,” Elsbeth says.

  “Fair enough,” Stick nods.

  “John. Bring it in,” Leeds calls out. “John?”

  “Fucking bitch knocked me down,” John says as he comes staggering into the clearing, his hand rubbing his head. “Jumped me from one tree over.”

  The team all look at Elsbeth in awe, then start to laugh.

  “You got taken by a canny!” Stick hoots. “Oh, you’re never living that down!”

  “She jumped me while I was in the damn tree,” John says. “You ever had that happen before? Fucking spider monkey.”

  “Laugh it up on the trail,” Leeds says. “We move out now.”

  Critter gets up, wiping the dirt and leaves from his ass, and smiles at me.

  “Whatcha think of my find?” he asks. “Not what you were expecting, was it?”

  “I’m pretty much done with expectations,” I say. “No point in them.”

  “Took ya this long to figure that out?” Critter asks. “You must have been living a charmed life, boy.”

  “Don’t call me boy, please.”

  “His name is Long Pork,” Elsbeth says.

  This, of course, leads to another round of laughter. Great.

  I’d love nothing more than to rest, but Critter and the team all start hiking back the way we came. Or at least I think it’s the way we came. Hard to tell with all the circling and doubling that happened. Luckily, just as I think my leg is going to fucking fall right off, we get to a rocky outcropping.

  “Have a seat,” Critter says, “I won’t be long.”

  “Oh, thank God,” I say and fall on my ass, my lungs heaving, my body feeling like it’s one giant, throbbing, sore muscle.

  “Don’t get too comfortable, princess,” Stick says. “We aren’t done yet.”

  I laugh and look to see if Elsbeth is mad. Then realize he’s calling me princess. God dammit. Like Long Pork isn’t bad enough.

  I sigh and sit up on my elbows as I hear a low rumbling. Is it an earthquake? Not unheard of in the Blue Ridge since the mountains are on a fault line, but pretty rare. Then half the hillside in front of me slides away and I scramble to my feet.

  “Everyone in,” Critter says as he pulls out of the hill in an Army Humvee. “We got miles to go before we sleep.”

  “You a poet now, Critter?” John asks as he climbs into the short bed in the back, his sniper rifle at the ready.

  “You got this rig geared up?” Leeds asks.

  “Everything we can possibly need,” Critter says. “We’re good to go.”

  We all load in. Leeds is up front with Critter driving. I’m crammed into the back seat with Elsbeth next to me, Cob to my right and Reaper to Elsbeth’s left. Stick and Platt are in the bed behind us with John. Critter jumps out and scrambles away, leaving the Humvee idling. The hill closes behind us and then Critter is jumping back in.

  “Can’t leave the back door open, now can we?” he smiles.

  Off we go, and despite being cramped, I am very glad I’m off my leg. I don’t think I can walk another mile on it without crying. And it would suck to cry in front of these guys. That would just lead to another nickname.

  “Now you can nap,” Reaper says, “get some rest. It’s going to be a long night.”

  I lean my head back and shuffle around, trying to get comfortable.

  �
��Dude, stay still!” Cob snaps.

  “Sorry,” I say.

  I close my eyes and try to take deep, even breaths to calm down. I’d really like to get some sleep, if I can. But there’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep while Critter has us bouncing along the back trails. Half the time I think he’s going to drive us right off a cliff before he takes a sharp turn and keeps us alive. I may be exhausted, but my mind is on full alert. It sucks, because I really do need the sleep.

  “Wake up, sunshine,” Stick says, poking me with the barrel of his gun. “Nap time is over. You’re gonna miss graham crackers and milk if you don’t hustle.”

  “Huh? Whu?” I mumble as I pull myself up from the backseat of the Humvee. I look past him and see the sun has gone down. “What time is it?”

  “Does it matter anymore?” Stick muses. “Time is so relative. Do you have a doctor’s appointment to get to? Are you going to miss your favorite TV show?”

  “Stop fucking with him, Stick,” Reaper says, shoving the man out of the way. “Here, let me have a look at your leg. Don’t want you dying of infection before you can get shot by Vance’s peeps.”

  “That’s comforting,” I say as I unbuckle my pants and gingerly push them down.

  “I’m known for my bedside manner,” Reaper says.

  “That’s why we call him Reaper,” Stick says, “because Angel of Death was just a little too spot on, ya know?”

  I wince as Reaper prods my wounds. “Not infected, but you need to keep it clean. And stay off of it if you can.”

  “Funny,” I say. “Can I pull my pants up?”

  “I’ve seen his penis,” Elsbeth says from behind them.

  The two men freeze and wait without looking back.

  “Is she still there?” Stick asks.

  “Yes,” Elsbeth says, “it’s bigger than Pa’s was.”

  “Oh, that does it,” Stick says, bolting.

  “Yeah, I’m outta here too,” Reaper says, leaving me alone with Elsbeth.

  She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I’ve never been in a boat.”

  “You’re quite the non sequitur generator tonight, aren’t you?”

  “I don’t know,” she says and turns around. “They say that’s a boat. Or a raft. Which is a kind of boat. I asked why they don’t just call it a boat all the time. They said because it’s a raft. But it’s also a boat. Which is dumb. These guys are soldiers and they’re dumb.”