Crime Does Pay

by Vincent Monaco

  At the conclusion of a heated argument that unfolds for thirty minutes with Brother Brent, I achieve absolutely nothing as Brother Brent leaves my office to go home and while I remain sitting in my chair to stare at my five construction boards that hang on three walls that display the first one hundred customer names in a checklist format that in a glance, identifies what was accomplished as well as what needs to be accomplished in each deal and to realize that if I quit this sales position, for the first time I am fully aware that the racketeering crimes of pillage, plunder and fraud will occur to each one of my customers since I am the only obstacle that cannot stop it, but only hinder the sum of stealage that Brother Brent and Wayne Frier easily steal and since I'm responsible for selling a mobile home to each of my customers, I am honor-bound to remain at my sales position in order to protect all of my customers to the best of my ability without Brother Brent realizing what I am doing, because if Brother Brent gets wind of it, then the jig is up and the maximum robbery of each customer will occur. The only way to hinder the robbery of each customer, is to use my influence as the number one salesman by which is to use my massive amount of customers to protect each other; and I am fully cognizant that this protection tactic will only work for a short span of time. With the heavy burden of concern weighing upon my shoulders, I decide not to abide by Brother Brent's direct Order to kill the mortgage approval on the Lyle Plummer Deal and the deal continues to move ahead for another two weeks when on one fateful day, as Lauren pages me that Big Larry "the Fucken Bank" Kelner is holding for me on line five, Brother Brent intercepts my phone call on a fact-finding mission and an update on the Lyle Plummer Deal is asked for and given and Brother Brent learns that the deal is still alive and moving forward and right then and there, Brother Brent gives Big Larry the Order to kill the mortgage approval on the Lyle Plummer Deal and Big Larry is only too gracious to oblige Brother Brent's racist demands since I have given Big Larry a large slew of deals and he is so appreciative for the profusion of my deals, that Big Larry has no qualms to kill the mortgage that Brent desires to be killed to keep peace among the powers to be as well as not to have my abundance of customer deals pulled away from Big Larry to be given to another mortgage broker if one can possibly find a competent mortgage broker who is as half as competent as Big Larry. Boys and girls can you say, the Plummer Deal is as dead as road kill? After Brent kills the Lyle Plummer Deal in a devious and illegal scheme to steal their one thousand dollar down payment, two hours later I am finally able to speak directly to Big Larry and he honestly admits: "What Brother Brent and Wayne Frier want, they always get it because the dealership is my customer and not the home buyer. Since Wayne Frier and I have closed on many profitable deals together throughout the many years and not one time, has he ever closed on a deal that provides home ownership to a Nigger, because these Good Ol' Boy Rednecks in Florida Are Racist Bastards! So Big Larry must do what Big Larry must do and that's the way it is! But for me, I really don't give a rat's ass if the customer is a Goddamn Nigger or a Goddamn Green Martian, because their money is just as green if not greener. The half Jew in me only cares about the profit of green money, but since the dealership is owned by fucken racists who are my client, Big Larry must cater to their racist desires, whims and wishes."

  I now have two intricate and very unpleasant problems that will cause much pain in the household of the Plummer family, the first problem is to tell them that they have been declined for a mortgage and will not be moving into their beloved mobile home which will cause many tears and the second problem is, it will be a hard uphill fight that's near to a zero probability of retrieving the rightful return of the one thousand dollar deposit from this thieving band of greedy thieves who own the dealership. After contemplating awhile to come up with a solution to these problems, I decide to wait until 9 o'clock in the evening to make sure that both Lyle and his wife are home from work, then I bravely telephone Mr. and Mrs. Plummer so that they can learn of the bad news as well. With Mr. and Mrs. Plummer each listening on a separate phone, I slowly explain in detail what has transpired without holding anything back and halfway through, Mrs. Plummer bursts into tears and is unable to listen in any further. After detailing the bad news of a declined mortgage and as the woeful cries are clearly heard in the background, I inform Lyle that "there is another big thorny problem that we must work closely together on in order to solve it, that of which is to recoup your one thousand dollars because Brother Brent intends to steal it. So we must plan and act as one well-oiled group to retrieve what is rightfully yours, otherwise your deposit will be stolen. Step by step I will advise you of what to do and say and after enough time passes with many lies along the way from Brent, your one thousand dollars will hopefully be returned to you if we do and say everything perfectly by working together, this is what we need to do to recoup your money." After detailing my plan to Lyle, the mournful cries and lamentations of his wife in the background becomes too loud which causes us to discontinue the telephone call. The next day during her lunch break, Mrs. Plummer steps through the front door and tries to proceed but halfway through the lobby she cannot restrain her heavy flood of tears which causes her to quickly turn around and exit the dealership and only after crying for two painful weeks, is she able to force herself to reappear in the dealership to sit in my office with two boxes of tissues to soak up the sporadic crying spells of many tears. I then inform her that "during the past two weeks, I tried time and again to reactivate your mortgage approval without the slightest bit of success. So finally, after pursuing many different ways in hope of a miracle that never came, there is nothing else to try or to do except to sadly admit defeat, therefore, I already submitted the 'Check Request For Refund' form to hopefully without a huge fight, retrieve your one thousand dollars, which is one hundred percent refundable if the financing of a mortgage is not obtained, which it was not obtained." All choked up with emotion and as a flood of tears well up in her sad eyes, Mrs. Plummer exits the dealership rather fast to avoid a tearful scene. Then each week for five frustrating weeks, I am given a different excuse to why the one thousand dollar refund has not yet arrived; such as, a big bug flew into the vent of the main computer and it went blooey, so the refund will arrive next week if they fix the computer in time; the girl courier who drives the big white van to our dealership drove straight into a squishy swamp and the van with the refund check inside it, was swallowed up by quicksand and in only seconds, the entire van has forever vanished from sight; we even sent the Refund Package by Federal Express, but the airplane disappeared by flying into a parallel universe co-existing on another dimensional plane to enter the atmosphere of another planet and since it disappeared somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, the Coast Guard cannot find it; the personal secretary of Mr. Wayne Frier screwed up cause that Bitch put the Plummer refund into the wrong Refund Package and it was delivered to the wrong dealership somewhere in Georgia; a male stripper was hired for the Todd Frier birthday party and he stole the Plummer refund, Brother Brent claims with a grin. So I take it upon myself to call and speak directly to the personal secretary of Wayne Frier and she candidly says, "You were told a lie, that's a big lie because no Plummer refund was ever approved in the first place, since 'The Check Request For Refund' form for the Plummer refund was denied by Brother Brent." So in other words, each week Brother Brent lies through his dirty teeth with a whole host of different lies in hopes that someday soon we will stop pursuing him for the refund money. So on week number six, a different strategy needs to be employed to achieve the result that we want, on a Wednesday evening I telephone Mrs. Plummer to request that she returns to the dealership on Friday for a very unpleasant task, which is to bravely sit in Brother Brent's office to give him a seven day ultimatum of which is to refund their one thousand dollars and if the refund does not appear next Friday, then her big husband Lyle will come down to the dealership "and you Brent, do not want that to happen because Lyle will tear your puny body apart limb from limb and if you do not believe me
or my warning, then I suggest that you ask Vince if my warning that Lyle will rip your head off your body and to do that is no sweat for him to do, so ask Vince about it before you make your big life and death decision of whether or not to steal our money, because we are tired of crying and begging for what is rightfully ours. You have only seven days to produce our refund or else!"

  After delivering this seven day ultimatum, once again Mrs. Plummer runs past my office to quickly leave the dealership with many tears running down her face. While I sit in my office waiting minute by minute for the appearance of Brother Brent that I know will happen before the close of business today, but to my utter amazement it only takes eight minutes for Brother Brent to stagger into my office with a drunken stumble to plop his thieving ass in a chair opposite my desk and with an expulsion of air and to obscure the fact that he is scared stiff, Brother Brent tries to disguise the topic by beginning his conversation about something else that is dear to his heart:

  "You know, I was looking at Brother Barry's photos of being dressed up as a scantily clad woman doing a striptease and I have to tell ya, that Brother Barry is One Hot Sexy Bitch! When he's in his padded bra, lace panties and hot go-go boots, he really turns me on and I can't help but to yell out, drop to your knees and get busy with it Bitch! Give your boss a lap dance and do tease me with your manly muffin that I need so badly You Foxy Little Minx! My wife's vagina smells horrible and I'm sick of it! I love it when Brother Barry dresses up as Mistress Rhonda and says to me in his hot leather outfit with whips and chains, screw my muffin and call me your bitch, You Bitch! Mistress Rhonda, I've been a bad naughty girl, so please spank my ass like a hairy goat and treat me like Gary The Goat who you love to make love to! But sometimes I'm scared to have sex with Brother Barry, because during sex he accidentally killed Ronnie The Rooster and that can happen to me! Oh by the way, I had a lengthy conference with your Nigger customer today and I need to know if what that Nigger said is the truth. So let me ask you a few things about them since I don't remember seeing them in the dealership at any time. I know what the wife looks like because I spoke to her today, but the husband was absent and I'm just wondering what he looks like, is he big or small? is he a big pussy or is he a tough guy? is that Nigger weak and skinny, or is he strong and muscular? Can I beat him up like a schoolgirl? I was on the wrestling team in High School and I still recall my judo chops! If I hit that Nigger with three fancy judo chops in a row, will he cry 'uncle'? What exactly do you know about this Nigger named Lyle, is he as big or as strong or as tough as the wife claims him to be, or can I kick his black ass?"

  "Brother Brent, you are not even in his category, because Lyle is one huge muscular dude who is as tough as he is huge and he has to be as tough as nails to weld on a daily basis those enormously heavy sheets of metal together that weigh hundreds of pounds each and that takes a huge muscular tough man to do that work! If Lyle grabs you with his hands, he can kill you with his thumb. Its like a dainty butterfly against a sledge hammer, you don't stand any chance at all of surviving a big bloody altercation with Lyle, its also highly unlikely that you will live longer than sixteen seconds once the fracas begins. Actually, I think that you will not live longer than six to eight seconds before your heart beats with the last beat, of which would only happen if you try to run away and that will give you the six to eight seconds to live, because you'll be crushed into a fine powder with the first punch. His leg alone is bigger than your entire body, you are really picking a fight with the wrong man and is your life only worth a thousand dollars? You have no way to win, but many ways to die. With his fingers alone, Lyle can snap your collar bone like a toothpick and then, he'll snap your ribs like a Goddamn Chicken Wing! Without refunding the rightfully owed refund owed to Lyle, with your amount of broken bones you should expect to live in the hospital for eight to ten months, if you even survive the painful altercation in the first place. You are screwing with the wrong man Brother Brent; and this will be the last man that you ever screw with, because you will not live to screw with another. If you give this man his rightfully owed refund check, you will live to screw another man who cannot kill you with one swat of the hand. Is stealing a refund check worth a death sentence, because death is at your doorstep, ha, ha?"

  "Oh boy! Oh shit! Oh boy! Is is he he really that mad mad at me me? This Nigger sounds like King Kong! It it sounds like he he can kick my sweet little ass very very easily," Brother Brent nervously continues with, "I'll I'll only pay him his overdue refund check only under one condition only and that only is, if the huge mountain of paperwork on your desk is equal to five mobile homes sold today, is the rumor true that you sold five houses? So if you have five houses sold, I'll approve the approval of refunding Lyle his refund, because that pile of paperwork looks as if you sold five houses today, will he get his refund check or not? so do you accept my little wager?"