As I hid in the woods to watch the old man's painful reaction when he first realized that Freddie The Fish was kidnapped, I knew at that exact moment of how great my fish robbery really was. The old man never thought that someone would be expert enough to catch his prize winning bass who has the adorable name of Freddie The Fish. I finally proved it to meself as well as to everyone else, that I'm a great fisherman who is of world class caliber, because there are only five known men in the whole civilized world who could have caught Freddie The Fish like the great me did! What makes me a great fisherman, is that I practice every night with my wife's foul-smelling snapper, ha, ha! At one point, I was laughing so loud at that old geezer, that I had to lay down in the woods before that old buzzard saw me. My fish robbery was well executed and it was timed so perfectly, that I pulled off the greatest fish robbery of all time! There are only five world class caliber fishermen in the whole wide world who could have caught that prize winning bass as fast as I caught and kidnapped Freddie The Fish. So its natural for me to be extremely proud of meself because I have truly displayed not only my fishing skills, but my robbery skills as well. Not only am I a master fisherman, I'm also a master thief and The Great Fish Robbery has proved my true Hall of Fame greatness! And what is even funnier, is that the old geezer called me up the other day to complain to me that some lowlife has stolen Freddie The Fish, ha, ha!
Brother Brent Wainwright, co-owner of Family Home Center of Homosassa
Within the first few months of working at the Family Home Center of Homosassa dealership, it becomes obvious that wherever I look whether it be at the dealership owners or at the salesmen and/or associates of the dealership, that crime, dishonesty and unethical schemes are individually and collectively applied against the customer similar to that of a feeding frenzy amongst hungry sharks and the first tragic story that comes to mind that becomes infamously known is — The Two Greedy Buckets!
Jason R. Klier (who, is the salesman who made his debut in the first chapter entitled Mobile Home Sex with The Sexual Tyrannosaurus), using his mother's money Jason becomes partners with an outside real estate broker by the name of Taylor Burbank in order to buy large tracts of vacant land in the boondocks for a cheap price of less than one thousand dollars ($1,000.00) per acre to then subdivide the land into much smaller plots of land which is known as a builder's lot, in an effort to sell each plot of subdivided land to his customers for the large sum of twenty to thirty thousand dollars ($20,000.00 to $30,000.00), of which is not worth one thirtieth of that value. Each customer that Jason picks for his land gouging scheme is first selected by first viewing their mortgage loan information that which especially includes their Beacon Credit Score and the customers with excellent Grade A credit are always selected to become Jason Klier and Taylor Burbank's next victims. To offset the overly priced land, Jason always sells the customer the smallest and cheapest mobile home on the lot, of which makes absolutely no sense at all since the banks require a larger mobile home with more square footage of living space when the land is hugely overpriced, but with an extremely high Beacon Credit Score, Jason thinks that the high credit score will overcome all obstacles which will allow Jason to rip-off his naive and very trusting customers who know nothing about home ownership and who believe in the odious lies told by Jason Klier. The first victim is an unwed woman by the name of Felica Harris who has an outstanding Beacon Credit Score of 800, for which means that Felica has Grade A paper as it is known in the banking business, who is quickly approved with a mortgage approval to purchase a new mobile home. After Jason Klier and his partner Taylor Burbank double-team Felica Harris at the property site to sign their land contract in the early hours of the morning, with Jason's return to the dealership during the mid afternoon and with great excitement, Jason rushes into my office to laughingly tell me of how he and Taylor Burbank tricked his naive and confused customer into signing their land contract that will yield them a profit of twenty-nine thousand dollars ($29,000.00) to be split evenly among themselves:
"Vince, you just have to get into the land business like me and my partner Taylor Burbank, because Taylor and I just made more than Twenty-Nine Thousand Dollars ($29,000.00) Profit on one piece of vacant land that we subdivided and bought for almost nothing because its in the boondocks! We double-teamed my girl customer Felica Harris, who is the naive broad with the high 800 Beacon Credit Score into signing our land contract early this morning and the best part is, is that I already have Felica Harris approved with a solid mortgage approval from a solid bank — So Its A Done Deal! Between me and Taylor double-teaming her, in two hours we convinced her that this land deal is a great and cheap deal that will appreciate higher and higher in value, but we failed to tell her that it will take at least one hundred years to appreciate to the price that we are selling it to her for, Ha, Ha, Ha! Taylor's brokerage license really works like a magical amulet, because his license impressed her and the Bitch believed every dirty lie that we said and it was very easy to close her. We lied by telling her that the most important thing to do that will increase the value of the home is to buy a very expensive piece of land and to put the cheapest mobile home on it as possible, because that is what the banks love and so Felica, the best mobile home to put on this land is the smallest mobile home in the lot that Chris has pornographically named — the Snapper! The naive Bitch believed us and Felica Harris signed on our land contract, so on one appointment we sold our expensive land and I sold the Snapper! On top of the land profit, I'm making even more money by processing the mortgage through Mary Wagner who's paying me a large kickback under the table as if I was a mortgage broker with a license. So, I'm getting paid big bucks from the dealership for selling the Snapper, I'm also getting paid with a large fortune for the selling of my own land, and I'm also getting paid with four points on the mortgage from Mary Wagner with cash under the table, so I'll be paid from three different profit sources on one deal and I'm going to make a fucken fortune on the Felica Harris Deal!"
"Jason, you and your partner Taylor Burbank are too greedy, because the land will not appraise for one thirtieth of what you tricked Felica into; and the smallest and cheapest mobile home that you sold to Felica will not appraise for the high numbers that are needed to close the deal, since the appraisal is based on the square footage of living area as well as the number of bedrooms and the Snapper only has two tiny bedrooms, what you need is a large three or four bedroom mobile home as well as to decrease the price on the land, otherwise the Felica Harris Deal will never close."
"No no Vince! I have no doubt that this time your logic is wrong," Jason disagrees, "because we decided that the cheapest priced mobile home will balance out the high price of the land by being the cheapest mobile home that she can buy, since the low list price on the Snapper is only $18,844.00 and that will give us the available room that we have already sucked out by increasing our land price which will suck out all of the profit in the deal to us instead of giving that profit to Brent and his big greedy dealership. What we're doing is sucking out all of the profit and I'm keeping it for myself, so on this Felica Harris Deal, I'm going to fuck Brother Brent by keeping all of the profit for myself! So fuck that transvestite and the drag queen that he rode in on! Even though the numbers on the deal don't make sense, It Will Close Anyway!"
"Jason," I refute, "do you realize that its a conflict of interest as well as being greedy and unethical to derive income from three different income sources on one deal? Its unethical, you cannot be the land owner as well as the salesman at the dealership as well as the mortgage broker who receives points under the table on the same deal without disclosing it in writing to Felica Harris, in other words, you cannot wear three separate hats on one transaction without full disclosure of it, so I believe what you're doing is called price gouging as well as taking advantage of your customer."
"We already figured all of that out, so I put the land in my mommy's name so my name will not appear and Mary Wagner is going to finagle the closing statement by
putting the payment of the mortgage points in her name and after the closing, I'll be paid with half of the points with tax free cash, so a full disclosure will never happen because on paper, I'm only the salesman representing this shithole of a dealership. With my calculator, I figured it out that at this rate of profit, once I close on all of my plots of subdivided land with various customers of mine who have great credit scores, I'll net four hundred thousand dollars ($400,000.00) of pure profit and then, I will not hesitate to tell Brother Brent to jam this sales job up his horny queer ass!"
"By being overly greedy Jason," I disagree, "you'll be working at this dealership for a long time to come because the numbers in your deals do not make a bit of common sense and your numbers are so heavily lopsided in the wrong direction, that I cannot see how your deals can possibly close, because your numbers are so out of whack that your excessive land price will prevent the closing, because it will not appraise." While eyes roll like that of a maniac, Jason reveals his trump card and its a doozy:
"The Felica Harris Deal will close and you can trust me on that because none of that stuff that you said matters, because the only thing that matters is that I'm having wild kinky sex with Mary Wagner who is fourteen years older than I am so as a young stud fucking her old decrepit cunt, I own the Bitch and Mary Wagner will do whatever it takes to please me and that is to close on the Felica Harris Deal! The Sexual Tyrannosaurus who as you know is my idol Chris Cramer, one day after he got done fucking the horny asshole of Mary Wagner, he gave that skanky whore to me because he has too many girlfriends who are younger, prettier and sexier, so my issuance policy that the Felica Harris Deal will close, is that I'm fucking every fish reeking hole that Mary Wagner has! Since Chris Cramer was having the most raunchy mobile home sex with Mary Wagner for the longest time in my mobile home, I finally am proud to brag, that I now have my own mobile home sex in my own mobile home with a former sex slave of The Sexual Tyrannosaurus! So the closing of the Felica Harris Deal is a lock and Its A Fucken Done Deal!"
"Is that what it takes to make money in the mobile home business, first you screw your customer, then you literally screw each other in more ways than one?" Is my candid inquiry that never receives an answer since Jason is at the moment, laughing sinisterly at what he is about to say when a minute later, Jason speaks: "I'm finally getting a piece of pussy whenever I fucken want it and every day for the past month, just like my hero Chris Cramer, I physically push Mary Wagner down on all-fours so I can fuck her ancient asshole doggie style while I smack the flabby cheeks of her saggy ass and I always love to finish her off with an oversized dildo, because Mary loves to scream in pain while blood gushes from her stretched out asshole, ha, ha!"
Howsoever, week by week a number of deal breaking technicalities arise during the construction phase that begins with the road that needs to be built through the thick swampy jungle and to save money, Jason decides to build the dirt road himself, but he is unable to remove the stumps that remain from the century old trees that Jason cut down and Jason's so-called "completed road" is as wide as a skinny bicycle path that the building inspector will soon reject since it is not a dirt road, but more like a deadly obstacle course of giant stumps and debris that will wreck your car. While the dirt road issue remains unresolved, Jason accepts a position in Mary Wagner's firm as an assistant mortgage broker and with Jason spending less than five hours a week at the dealership, after a month Brother Brent terminates his employment and Paul D. Maltese is hired to replace him and on the exact day and time, while Jason packs up his office knickknacks from his desk, on the opposite side of the big desk Paul is unpacking his giant box of office knickknacks to place each one on the next vacated spot. In all the dealerships in all the world, Paul had to pick this one. On his way out the door, for some double-crossing reason Jason gives Paul every one of his customer deals and on the closing of each deal, Jason promises to pay Paul a five hundred dollar gratuity for closing the deal, which also applies to the Felica Harris Deal and Paul inherits Jason's list of customers for doing absolutely nothing at all. A few weeks later, its time to fasten the smallest and cheapest mobile home which is known as the Snapper, to the stumpy parcel of land owned by Jason but before this can occur, Brother Brent spends more than six aggravating hours on the phone with Jason arguing over the construction process of the Snapper when after many phone calls, with a pack of lies Jason finally convinces Brother Brent that the financing of Felica's large mortgage is in place and the next step needs to be taken and that is to deliver, set up and anchor the Snapper to Jason's stumpy land. Without visiting the stumpy parcel of land personally that of which is a huge mistake on Brother Brent's part, Brother Brent yields to reluctantly agree to send out the construction crew to deliver, set up and anchor the Snapper to Jason's land. The following day the large trucks and construction crew leave the dealership with the two piece Snapper in tow and upon arriving at the correct parcel of land, with the slow nimble driving around each stump the truck is able to tow the two sections of the Snapper to the crest of the smallest hill to set it up as well as to anchor the 1120 square foot mobile home to the swampy land below. Upon returning to the dealership many hours overdue due to the highly hazardous terrain, the truck driver commented that he has no concept of how he was able to drive the truck on a bicycle path up a stumpy hill to deliver the Snapper. In due time, the construction phase of the land improvements proceed on schedule and the well for drinking fresh water, the power pole for electricity and the costly septic tank for containing foul-smelling excrement is now a permanent fixture on Jason's land. As the high cost of the construction process continues, there is an unending string of mortgage problems with the Felica Harris Deal when two to six times a day that occurs every day, Paul rushes into my office to vent his frustration:
"That Son of a Bitch Jason Klier and his greedy partner Taylor Burbank are too greedy and their greed is killing the Felica Harris Deal; those two greedy buckets are killing my deal no matter what I do or say to those two greedy bastards! My 800 Beacon Deal is a fucken nightmare and the stress alone that I'm under every day is not worth the measly five hundred dollar bone that Jason said that he's tossing me. That bastard Jason is clearing twenty- three thousand dollars on the deal and I'm only making five hundred bucks and I'm doing all of the fucken backbreaking work! I have never known anyone to be as greedy and stingy as they are and both Jason and Taylor are so greedy, that they will be forever known as — The Two Greedy Buckets! No matter how hard that I work, The Two Greedy Buckets are killing their own deal, because the land will not appraise and the Snapper is too small to compensate for the price gouging of the land and instead of me wasting my whole day talking about the Snapper on Jason's land, I should be talking about my girlfriend's soggy snapper because the fishy stench of her pussy, the squiggles of her wet hymen and the length of her giant clitoris is what I should be telling you about! There's a mortgage emergency every Goddamn Day and I'm pulling my fucken hair out of my fucken head for a Goddamn Five Hundred Dollar Bone! And that's only if those greedy fucks actually pay me, so what I needed to do, is to fuck them before they have a chance to fuck me, so I'm stealing Jason's commission on all deals and Brother Brent agreed since he'll allow me to pocket his loot and Jason will get paid nothing from this dealership, because as of now — All Deals Are Mine! In the mobile home business, one needs to fuck others before they can fuck you. Its like I'm talking to a gerbil who got wedged up my girlfriend's ass, since I keep telling the two greedy buckets to reduce their profit on the land or the deal will not close, but the two greedy buckets only ignore me. I've noticed, that this added stress is making bigger boogers in my nose! And after two more stressful days of this high stress, I'm going to throw the Felica Harris Deal in the trash can. This stress is lowering my sex drive at night with Sandra, because I can only fuck her asshole for two minutes instead of my usual two hours, which means this deal has hurt the stamina of Mr. Sweet Dick Willy! Did you know that I refused to eat soggy pussy last night becau
se those two greedy buckets depleted my sexual horniness? Sandra has a delicious pussy that tastes like a fishy crab cake and has the pinkish looks of medium rare roast beef and her vagina was dying for hot sex so bad, that she begged for Mr. Sweet Dick Willy to come out and play with pussy, but Mr. Sweet Dick Willy did not play with pussy because he was bushed! As a Sexual Hound Dog, I decided that I'm not going to miss another kinky sex session over this Felica Harris Deal and the two greedy buckets can go screw each other's ass, because I know for a fact that Taylor Burbank is a Homo who takes it in the mouth and loves it! Did you know that Jason is fucking Mary Wagner? To- night, I'm going to make Sandra bark like a dog, bend over and bark like a fox terrier You Foxy Bitch! Bark for me and your big daddy will give you a big bone Baby! I need to spank your ass like a naughty cocker spaniel!"
Paul stands to slowly egress from my office while barking "Bow-wow! Bow-wow! Just you wait until tonight Sandra, because I'm going to make you bark like a furry little bitch You Horny Little Chihuahua! When I rub your tits, roll over and spread your legs apart like a toy poodle Baby! Bark for big daddy You Flea Infested Bitch! When the Sexual Hound Dog lifts his leg to pee on you, now you is my bitch, Bitch!" And while Paul walks down the long hallway to exit from the dealership through the rear door of the back room, I can hear the bark of the Sexual Hound Dog growing dimmer as the distance increases until his loud bark can no longer be heard by the human ear. But wait! there's more! After the next two days of torrential rains and during the noon time hour on this hot rainy day that is always more humid after it rains than before, Paul hangs up from a phone call with a big whoop and a holler to run at breakneck speed into my office to update me with the breaking news story of:
Crime Does Pay Page 17