"Vince! Vince! Vince! You'll never believe this in a trillion years but its a true fucken true story, which is actually the punch line of the story and I feel so happy and so relieved that the Sexual Hound Dog is going to have a wild perverted orgy of anal sex tonight! Look at me, I'm smiling like a fat virgin who got laid because as of this very moment which is a big historic moment in time and are you sitting down for this breaking news story that just broke two seconds ago? Good! stay seated! I'm so very excited that I'm drooling all over myself like a drag queen watching a gay parade! Prepare yourself because this breaking news is better than when Debbie Does Dallas! Well ready or not, here it comes! Are you ready? Because here it comes Mr. Vin! Guess what the breaking news is? But there is no time for guessing because the Felica Harris Deal with the 800 Beacon Credit Score is fucken, Fucken, FUCKEN DEAD! Its Fucken DEAD! Its as dead as Mary Wagner's frigid pussy and reamed asshole! You said it Mr. Vin, I said it and we both said it and we are both right and that Goddamn Stressful Deal Is Fucken Dead! I'm going to celebrate tonight by stuffing a fat gerbil into Sandra's tiny little asshole! And when you hear the reason why the deal is dead, the reason is even more incredible! During the last two days, we had stormy rainstorms and the river of rain water from the hills above the mound with the Snapper attached to it and that river of flowing water ran downward to fill the little Snapper up with six feet of water, the construction guy who discovered the water said that he had to swim for his life across the living room to escape through a broken window and the construction guy said, that the Snapper is totally destroyed and its already falling apart since the walls are buckling like the bow-legged knees of a teenage prostitute! I'm footloose and fancy- free! I'm so orgasmic, that I'm going to call my girlfriend to tell her that there is no need to cry her eyes out, because her Sexual Hound Dog is back; because her Sexual Hound Dog is feeling sexual urges again; because with the thought of pussy her Sexual Hound Dog is feeling enlarging sensations; because certain anatomy on her Sexual Hound Dog is alive and tingling!"
Paul dashes to the lobby phone and dials the number of his girlfriend Sandra and upon her picking up the phone to listen intently to only hear the English words of "I'm a stud muffin who needs to stud your muffin Baby!" followed by the obnoxious barking sounds of "Bow-wow! Bow-wow! Bow-wow!" and bow-wows are constantly barked until Sandra hangs up the telephone and as the Sexual Hound Dog hears the dial tone in total disbelief of what his ear is actually hearing, the Sexual Hound Dog growls at the telephone to then throw it to the floor as he yells out, "Sandra's tight little asshole is going to be raped tonight by Mr. Sweet Dick Willy and it will become bloody!" Paul then enters his office because he is in a hurry to make a phone call. The Snapper is not retrieved by the dealership because in the weeks that follow, Jason and Taylor find another victim to sign their land and home contract to then apply for an FHA mortgage and the deal proceeds in a very fast and positive mode until one fateful day, when the FHA inspector arrives at the stumpy parcel of land and since the dirt road has the width of a skinny bicycle path, the FHA inspector declines the deal with a disapproval because swerving around giant stumps that jut out three to five feet is not considered a road by FHA standards and the deal dies a quick death. The Snapper is forgotten and is never retrieved by the dealership and to this day, it remains abandoned in the middle of the overgrown jungles of Florida.
When I sniff the beautiful and arousing fish reeking stench of your panty panel, its better than foreplay Baby! Bark for big daddy while I spank your ass not like a supermodel, but like the naughty dog that you are!
The Sexual Hound Dog, Paul D. Maltese (140-52-2940)
Before proceeding further in this deadly nonfiction narrative, I will introduce to the reader a personage who is destined to appear at different intervals and he is the big egocentric personage known as, As, AS — Big Larry "the Fucken Bank" Kelner who expects your worship because he who is the bank is a God! Besides Brent's constant boasting of the crimes that he and Wayne Frier, Matt Frier and Todd Frier commit on a daily basis; besides Paul Maltese rushing into my office to enlighten me of the scuttlebutt and crime-ridden events that are going on within the dealership; besides my own investigative research that validates the criminal events and dastardly dirty schemes that I have uncovered on my own as well as the sinister crimes that I have witnessed first hand; there is also another source that truly accelerates the speed of my enlightenment of the crime-ridden methods of the Wayne Frier dealerships, who is none other than Big Larry "the Fucken Bank" Kelner. During my first few weeks at the dealership, my main goal and concern was to build my customer base with as many customers as possible and with my customer base soaring toward triple digits, it has become time to find a competent mortgage broker so I can propel my growing number of customers to the next step which is to achieve a mortgage commitment for each customer and after an exhaustive search, I discover an indirect lead to a highly experienced and very competent mortgage broker and its an indirect lead to Big Larry Kelner from Associated Mortgage Services, its an indirect lead because for over a year prior to my employment at the dealership, Big Larry made it an ironclad rule that he will only communicate with one person at the dealership and all salesmen must feed their deals through this one person who will then fax the deal to Big Larry and this one person who is nothing but a bottleneck is a middle-aged crime-ridden secretary with the despicable name of Debbie Graham (267-39-1257). At this very early time, since Big Larry remains incommunicado with all others except for Debbie Graham who is not only lazy, but is a pathological liar as well, so I must find a way around Debbie to establish a direct line of communication with Big Larry since I have not found another mortgage broker who has the knowledge that is needed to attain a mortgage commitment for mobile home customers and to find someone else with brains in Florida in an astronomical feat that no one can achieve. By overwhelming Debbie Graham with my massive slew of customer deals day after day and as Big Larry receives two to seven new deals from me each day for a period of ten long weeks, Big Larry finally breaks his rule of incommunicado to establish direct contact with me by way of the telephone since Lauren is paging me that "Big Larry 'the Bank' Kelner is waiting for you to pick up Line 2" and with Big Larry's upbeat greeting of "Hello Vince, I'm calling to introduce myself, you no doubt have heard of the great me because my name is — Big Larry 'the Fucken Bank' Kelner!" and since my aggravation has rose beyond all levels of human endurance, my heated reply is: "I'm so glad that you broke your rule of incommunicado, because working through Debbie Graham who is a Goddamn Lazy Bitch as well as a Goddamn Liar who has become one huge nightmarish bottleneck that I no longer wish to work with or through to get to you, so this arrangement needs to be drastically changed! I'm here to make money and no money can be made by working with Debbie." And I'm surprised with the good fortune of Big Larry's blunt reply of, "Goddamn! its fucken good to hear someone else say Goddamn! I thought I was the only fucken guy to say Goddamn! Good! I like your answer because as far as your deals are concerned Vince, I fired that no-good bitch Debbie Graham and from now on, you only work directly with me and no one else and if Debbie Graham gives you any lip about this decision of mine that is not a decision to be questioned, you can tell that fat fucken disrespectful Bitch to speak to me about it and I'll straighten her ass out but quick! Is that acceptable to you Vince?" And with this kind of Goddamn Cooperation, this becomes the beginning of a beautiful friendship. The beautiful friendship instantly grows to such a degree at such a high rate of speed, that for some reason unknown to me Big Larry becomes overly dependent on my conversation that within ten days, Big Larry begins calling me as often as every five to fifteen minutes and this occurs every day, which for me who has many customers to attend to, becomes a Goddamn Nuisance that inhibits the production of sales since I'm forced to spend many hours on the telephone with Big Larry who has the phone stamina of a teenage girl, but I cannot tell Big Larry this because he will without a doubt take his hurt feelings out on my customers s
ince Big Larry is in control of their mortgage approvals, so I'm caught in between a rock and a hard place and regardless of how many customers are waiting in the lobby for me, I'm obligated to stay on the phone with Big Larry for as long as it takes until Big Larry decides to discontinue his telephone call and only then, am I able to sell another mobile home. And since Big Larry wears his ego on his sleeve, even to rush him off the phone a few minutes early is a dangerous task because you'll run the high risk of bruising his thin-skinned ego and that can only spell one thing — Trouble! Big Larry calls me so many times during all hours of the day, that when new customers are pounding on my door to buy a mobile home and since its far too risky to interrupt Big Larry's humorous and educational story, I'm forced to direct the new customer to another salesman down the long hallway while my office door always remains closed and locked during Big Larry's phone calls. Our friendship blossoms to such a high crescendo, that early on Big Larry not only invites me to spend the day with him at his office to discuss in depth the future plans on each of my customer deals, but on the holiday of the 4th of July, I'm invited to Big Larry's home to have a big gourmet dinner with him and his wife Barbara while Big Larry enlightens me on many criminal topics that always involves Wayne Frier and Brother Brent, but Big Larry fails to discuss the crimes that he himself commits on a regular basis and at this early time, I must say the disguise for some little time of Big Larry being without crime, is most perfect because at this early time I cannot discover his criminal methods, modes and means of committing his crimes until the close of my customer deals. While Big Larry calls me every spare moment with the next humorous story whether I'm eating lunch or not, each Wednesday I'm obliged to spend three hours driving southbound to Big Larry's office to work face-to-face with him on each of my customer deals because at this time my customer base has exceeded three hundred customers and this is the only way to speed up Big Larry, because he is a bit of a lazy slowpoke if left alone to work at his own pace. Between Paul Maltese rushing into my office to enlighten me on the criminal events that are currently occurring and Big Larry's constant telephone calls to enlighten me on the multitude of ongoing crimes committed by Wayne Frier and Brother Brent and in a short span of time, I become as enlightened as one can possibly be, so collecting the incontrovertible evidence that will prove my enlightenment as true wisdom in which takes time to conduct the research in order to locate the irrefutable documents that prove without a doubt, that my enlightenment is of true wisdom is the next endeavor that I endeavor in and I'm in shock of what I discover, however, by now its too late to resign my sales position at the dealership because I have a multitude of customers to protect from the crime-ridden schemes and scams of pillage and plunder that will leave each customer destitute, impoverished and penniless regardless of my efforts and agreements with the powers to be to omit all forms of stealage. As day after day ticks by, there are many allegorical Pearls of Wisdom that are graphically narrated to me by the teacher of all wisdom who is none other than Big Larry "the Fucken Bank" Kelner and on this rainy and very hot and muggy tropical afternoon, during Big Larry's constant phone calls, Big Larry enlightens me with one of his Pearls of Wisdom that is listed within the top three of his top ten list of the most momentous Pearls of Wisdom to be enlightened with and because of its extreme importance as a high-ranking Pearl of Wisdom, this wise Pearl of Wisdom is most often taught to me either on a weekly, daily or sometimes on an hourly basis, because this momentous Pearl of Wisdom praises the wisdom of an older man compared to the motivated ambitions of a more energetic younger man rushing around to accomplish more tasks than the older man. While Big Larry slowly but surely leads into the intro of his very wise teachings of this momentous and profound Pearl of Wisdom that can only be taught to a mere mortal by a supreme being who is classified as a God and according to Big Larry, he is classified as the God of all Gods! So when Big Larry speaks, you better damn well listen or you will suffer the wrath of a God and he is most serious when he says this. On this phone call that is nearly two hours long and with angry customers banging on my door like a mob of zombies, I have been doing my best to hurry him off the phone when Big Larry inquires in a resentful huff:
"What's the big fucken rush all about? Why are you rushing Big Larry 'the Fucken Bank' Kelner off the fucken phone when Big Larry is about to teach you a Pearl of Wisdom that is listed on my top ten list? Which means its a wise fucken Pearl since its one of the most wisest Pearls of Fucken Wisdom! So pay attention to this Pearl Because Its A Big Fucken Pearl Of Goddamn Wisdom! Don't you know Vince, that I'm the most important person to talk to, so forget about your fucken customers because the fucken bank is talking to you and the fucken bank is by far the most important God of all Gods in the universe? Because when Big Larry 'the Fucken Bank' speaks, the whole fucken universe better fucken listen, because there is no one more important than Big Larry 'the Fucken Bank'! Just for your own information Mr. Vin, Big Larry has a multitude of dealership owners calling Big Larry every day and these guys are always begging with tears in their eyes for my secretary Dawn Gomez to put Big Larry on the phone with them so these dealership owners can kiss my Jew ass and Big Larry never gets on the telephone with them, because Big Larry blows them off! Just maybe if I'm in a good mood, will Big Larry speak to them once a month to give the dealership owners an update on their deals already submitted and this I must do, otherwise the dealership owners will burst into tears like a fucken little girl with her first bloody period leaking from her crack. Just to prove how hugely important Big Larry is, Big Larry never calls the dealership owners, 'cause the owners always call me because I'm more important than they are. But contrary to that, you need to fully realize and appreciate Vince, that Big Larry calls you ninety-five percent (95%) of the time, so you need to realize how fortunate and lucky you are that Big Larry 'the God of all Gods' calls you this often because Big Larry enjoys your conversation and you are also lucky, because you are the only one in this special category. So you need to understand that the most important God in the universe wishes to continue this conversation by talking with you without being rushed off the fucken phone! Why would you hang the phone up to talk to someone else when Big Larry is the most important God of Gods to talk to? Who could possibly be more important or even more interesting than Big Larry 'the God of all Fucken Gods'? And the answer is, there is no God or mere mortal more important than the God who is known as Big Larry 'the Fucken Bank' Kelner! So rushing the God of all Gods off the fucken phone is a really big mistake and it really gets my panties out of whack, So Don't Do It! Because Big Larry 'the Fucken Bank' does not like his lace panties wedged in the crack of his big hairy Jew ass!"
"Big Larry, as you are well aware of the fact, at this time I have over three hundred customers who desperately want to move in their new mobile homes as soon as possible and I have a tremendous amount of work to do every day to get these customers into their new mobile homes. Besides the overwhelming pressure and stress that I'm under; the constant interruptions that interrupts my work; at least one thousand phone calls per day as well as being forced to take on new customers by selling them a mobile home against my will, I need a ninety hour day and even with a ninety hour day, I'll still be behind on the enormous workload that it takes to get these customers into their new mobile homes and since I'm under the gun to get all things accomplished quickly and proficiently where every little second of the day counts to get as much work done as humanly possible, so these are the reasons why I was rushing you off the telephone because I do not have any time to spare." Is my reply, however, Big Larry does not see it my way as he exclaims with a rebuttal:
"Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! Did you not hear what I said? I said fuck 'em where they breathe! Who gives a flying fuck what the scumbag customer wants or needs to have because we don't care what they fucken want or need because I tell them what they fucken want and need and you should never care what they fucken want or need because those fucken dumb fucks don't even know themselves what they want or
need, if you listen to the dumb-ass customers you'll have a fucken nervous breakdown, so fuck them where they breathe! You need to change your whole attitude about the ungrateful customers who are nothing but douchbags and scumbags who need to be fucked royally in the ass and only after a good ass fucking will the customers become obedient to worship you as a God to pay homage to! The important thing to learn in this business, is if you help the customer by saving the customer money with a fair deal, that customer will hate you; but if you abuse the customer with an unfair deal that steals money from the customer, that customer will love you dearly, so if you want to be loved by your customers, you must abuse them by stealing as much money as you can and the more money that you screw the customer out of, the more that the customer will love you for it, so screwing the customer is always the correct thing to do? The shittier the deal, the more that they will love you. So if you want to be loved by your customer, then screw the bastard where he breathes and he will love you for it? Its a real fucked up way of thinking, but that's the way it fucken works! Whenever I cut my big profit margins down to help the customer with a real affordable deal of a lifetime, that customer becomes the biggest pain in my hairy Jew ass, but if I increase my fees to outlandish amounts, that customer loves my thieving Jew ass so much so, that he'll kiss my little Jew pecker in Macy's window! I've been in the business for a long time and that's the way it is, so why fight it? Its better to fuck the customer up the ass and you will be so loved and respected by all of your customers, so you need to fuck 'em where they fucken breathe! Mr. Vincent, you need to also set your priorities straight and in the correct order and Priority Number One, is whenever Big Larry speaks of his Pearls of Wisdom, you need to drop every fucken thing and every fucken body because you need to listen and learn what they don't teach you at Harvard Business School. Big Larry is offering you a world of knowledge without you paying a college tuition and you're worried about the scumbag customers buying a Goddamn Wobbly Box Made Of Fucken Papier-Maché! If the customers had any fucken brains, they would not be buying a Goddamn Wobbly Box In The Fucken First Place! Those fucken morons are paying over one hundred grand for a cardboard box on wheels that has a Goddamn VIN Number like a Goddamn Car, now does that make any fucken sense at all? And that proves how fucken dumb these customers are. And even worse yet, a mobile home is a depreciating cardboard box, so you have to be one stupid fuck to buy a depreciating mobile home that is worth less with every passing year. Just think about this, you were rushing Big Larry off the phone to talk to those losers paying one hundred grand for a wobbly box on wheels, is that a smart thing to do? Since you're laughing to beat the band, I know that you agree with me. As your mentor teaching you some secret shit, so look at me as if I'm your Harvard Business School Professor teaching you some very secretive shit that you will not find in a boring textbook. In all my years, I have only taught this to one other person because that's how Top Secret it is! The only other person who Big Larry taught this to, was to a hot Chinese college chick because I needed to fuck her round little Chink ass! Pay attention to my very interesting story that will interest you with great interest because its a funny Pearl of Wisdom too. Once upon a time, there were two big bulls standing on top of a big fucken hill that looks down into a big lush valley and less than a mile away, the two bulls fix their eyes upon the most beautiful herd of mooing cows ever seen by these two horny bulls. I mean these beautiful cows are hot looking dames with large hooters! The two bulls can't believe their eyes, since its a massive herd of cows grazing from one blade of grass to the next while daydreaming of hot sex with a big bull huffing and puffing with excitement while he sucks on large hooters! On top of the hill, the two bulls stand idle in amazement of what they see, such gorgeous cows with big perky hooters and its even more arousing to know that the two bulls are the only bulls for hundreds of miles around and the herd of sexy cows haven't had sex because they have virgin vaginas just begging to be touched and fucked for the very first time! The young bull who is foaming at the mouth, turns to the older bull to say 'Wow, look at all of those hot sexy cows with large hooters down there in the valley and I wonder if those big hooters are fake implants or are they real hooters and I can't wait to find out by sucking on those double D-cup hooters? And after I get a long lap dance from that blonde cow over there who is wearing the black fishnet stockings with red high-heeled pumps, I'll fuck her like a dog! Lets run as fast as we can down this big hill so we each can fuck one hot sexy cow with big hooters, because I just love it when big hooters bounce on my face,' the young bull said. The older bull laughs at the younger bull and answers him with a Pearl of Wisdom that is only attained through many years of experience. The older bull who is also known by the longhorn steer as The Wise Bull, now speaks the wisdom of his mature years with the wise words of 'No, lets not run down this big hill to fuck one hot sexy cow with large hooters, lets instead take our time by walking down this big hill to fuck them all! Lets walk down to fuck all of those cows one by one, this is called 'wisdom' my young friend. Be a wise bull and fuck them all,' The Wise Bull wisely said. And the two bulls slowly walked step by step down the big hill and after two hours of walking, the two horny bulls began fucking all of the cows doggie style whether their hooters were large or small. So, be the bull who is like Big Larry, because Big Larry is, Is, IS — The Wise Fucken Bull! The young bull has learned his lesson well, of which is apparent by his final comment of, 'By walking down the big hill, I conserved my energy and because of this wise wisdom given to me by The Wise Bull, I was able to fuck the entire herd of hot sexy cows, because I felt strong — like Bull!'"
Crime Does Pay Page 18