The all too familiar figure stepped into the light of the kitchen and my heart twisted painfully in my chest. The morning light gleamed off Jessica’s golden hair like a halo. She gave me a sad smile as she came to my side and kissed my forehead.
“Oh honey. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” Her eyes flicked toward the seat beside me and my head turned instinctively. Jack’s chair sat empty. The plate he’d been eating from was gone. Turning back to her I saw she‘d vanished as well. In her place, I saw Dr. Gonzales pulling his surgical cap from his head and rubbing his eyes.
My surroundings had changed, and I was back in that disinfectant soaked hallway near the waiting area of the hospital. Slowly, the doctor closed the distance between us. Regret and sorrow were easily readable on his face. Stopping in front of me, he met my eyes with the most melancholy expression.
“Joe. I don’t know how to say this. We tried everything. We couldn’t save them. I’m so sorry Joe, we lost them both.”
Ripping myself out of the dream, I awoke in a world of pain. The cold concrete had sapped heat from my body while I slept. As my blood fought its way back into my extremities, agony tore through me. It took several minutes to muster enough circulation to climb to my feet. Slogging up the stairs, I cranked on the hot water of the shower. When it was fogging up the mirror, I slid inside and nearly drowned myself under the falling stream.
The water was getting cold when I finally got out. The shower had helped lessen the pain in my body, but the other pain intensified the more I tried to push it aside. Toweling off I tottered out to my bed and fell onto it, towel and all. The prospect of reentering the dream was both daunting and tantalizing at the same time. It’d been a long time since I’d dreamt of Jess, much less the Jack that might have been. The little boy I’d wanted so badly, that I dreamed of holding…protecting…teaching…
For better or worse, the sleep that claimed me was thankfully dreamless. I might have slept the day away had my phone not continued to ring. The fifth time it went off I clawed my way out of the bed and grabbed it off the floor.
“Yeah.”
“Joe? Where are you? Don’t tell me you are still in bed.” Tamryn demanded. Looking over I saw the clock said it was just after nine thirty in the morning.
“Yeah. What’s up?” I heard her excuse herself on the other end and there was a pause.
“Listen up, little brother. You told the girls that you would be coming out here this weekend for lunch. They have been working all morning cleaning the house and helping to cook.” I winced as I recalled my plans to hang out with my nieces. In my defense, my head was in a much better place when I’d made that promise. But that fact didn’t do a lot to make me feel like less of a tool.
My nieces were two of the sweetest little girls in the entire universe. Little Jamie was only four years old. She hung off my arms like I was a jungle gym every time I visited. Tressa was eight and had matured to piggy back rides. They loved my visits; though, I have no idea why. I’m a shitty uncle. I forget birthdays, skip holidays and generally spend very little time with them. Tamryn was right. Me promising to go and then not showing up was unacceptable.
“I overslept. I’ll jump in the shower and be right there.”
“As much as I would hate you disappointing the girls, I don’t want you coming here if you’re going to be…” She didn’t finish the sentence but she didn’t have to.
“I’ll be fine, sis. I just had a bit too much to drink last night and overslept. It’ll take ten minutes for me to be ready and out the door. Okay?” The pause on the other end spoke volumes. She was probably weighing the disappointment the girls would feel versus the danger of exposing them to me when I’m out of control.
“You’re sure everything’s alright?” The question was simple, but I felt part of my mind bellowing out a resounding ‘NO!’ in response.
“It’s all good.” I said this with a grin in my voice that I didn’t really feel. The phrase always irritated Tamz and hopefully my ribbing would help calm her objections. She snorted into the phone.
“Just get your scrawny ass here before lunchtime. These girls are working their butts off for Unky Joe and I’ll be damned if you are going to disappoint them. Now hang up the phone and get on the road!”
“Roger that.” I replied. “Wheels up in ten minutes.”
Traffic was light on the way out of Austin, and as I pulled up to Tamryn’s front door, her husband, Robbie, looked up from the stoop in surprise. His daughters sat next to him and only paused for an instant. Then Tressa and Jamie streaked across the front lawn toward my truck.
I barely got out before the two of them barreled into me. Robbie nodded at me from the stairs and went inside, no doubt to let my sister know of my arrival. Both girls leapt up on me, jabbering at the same time.
“Unky Joe! I can do a cartwheel! You wanna watch?” Jamie hollered, and Tressa looked at her four year old sister with a sour face.
“He doesn’t want to see that! He wants to come inside to have a tea party! Right, Uncle Joe?” They were squaring off for a mini brawl when Tamryn came out the front door in a rush.
“So glad you could finally join us.” My sister was a diminutive lady, barely 5 feet tall. But looks are deceptive. She could easily kick my ass, which she’d proven on several occasions. She’d never fought fair, and wouldn’t hesitate to pick up whatever nearby item would serve as a bludgeon. From the look on her face I could tell she hadn’t expected to get me out here without threatening me with bodily harm. I let the two girls drag me into the house each gripping tightly to a hand. They led me into the dining room and sat me at the far end of the table so each of them had a spot next to me.
Lunch was a grand affair where the kids regaled me with step by step details of how they helped with each item. They had quite the kitchen to do it in, all top of the line gear. Tamz and Robbie weren’t hurting for money, though Tamryn wasn’t practicing trial law anymore. She’d backed off her work load to spend more time with the girls, though I often wondered how much all of my legal issues factored into the decision. She was only consulting these days, but Robbie was a partner in a firm founded by his grandfather and though their ranch was now only 100 acres, he could trace his Texan roots back to the era of Sam Houston. They both looked on in amusement as the girls monopolized my time, both fighting for my undivided attention. After lunch, Tamryn told them to help clean up. They groaned and complained but relented when she told them they could show me the new horse once they were done.
After the unveiling of the latest addition to their stables, the girls led me out and deposited me in the great room on the oversized leather sectional that dominated the space. Tamryn let them climb all over me for a bit and then shooed them back to the kitchen to color. Robbie went with them to supervise while Tamryn poured some coffee for both of us. Once we were alone she just sat and stared at me.
“Not that I don’t think you are covering well JoJo, but what’s up?” She gave me one of her patented ‘don’t fuck with me’ looks. They never worked on me, but she did make me grin.
“I just had a rough night. Even those of us that frequent the bar scene can have an off evening.” Tam gave me a suspicious look.
“That’s funny. From what I have been hearing you haven’t been going out at all. So you want to cut the bullshit and tell me what is really going on?” Sitting back I sighed. It had always been hard to fool her.
“I just had a hard day and drank too much. I’m fine and made it here. Can you just let it lie please?” She looked like she might start in again, so I rose and walked into the kitchen. The girls were hard at work on their masterpieces. Watching them made my heart ache. I could almost see Jack in each of their faces. Shoving down my pain I focused for the next few hours on being the best uncle I could be.
When I left, I could tell my efforts had mixed results. The girls were thrilled and could not wait for the next time I could visit. Tamryn was still giving me the stink eye as I pulled out. She�
��d definitely keep pushing.
The visit had taxed what little energy reserves I had. Between Molly, the dream, and my guest appearance in my sister’s idyllic life, I was in a foul mood. I knew it was shitty that someone else’s happiness made me mad, especially Tamryn’s. She deserves to be happy more than anyone I know. By the time I got up the next morning, my mood was worse not better. Turning onto the road of the job site, the first thing I saw was that damn food truck.
Great, this is what I can look forward to every damn day.
Locking my truck, I clipped past Wrapgasmic without slowing. Mac and Mason both nodded hello to me just like normal, so their sister had obviously not said anything to them. The safety meeting was held outside on the lawn and when it ended I stopped to talk to Graham about the finish work that we needed to get done on the second floor. Behind me, one of the window guys cranked a radio. We had a rule on the site, no radios. If you wanted to listen to your music fine, just don’t subject the rest of us to it.
I’d chosen to ignore him when the station he was listening to changed songs. Lady by Kenny Rogers came blaring out of the speakers behind me. I felt as if someone had kicked me in the gut. Jess had forced me to dance to that song at our wedding and I’d teased her mercilessly for picking such an old song. I stood blinking in shock from the searing pain. Alarm showed on Graham’s face and he started to open his mouth. Whatever he was going to say was lost because in one fluid motion I turned, ripped my hammer from my belt and flung it. The hammer flew between three people and smashed into the Rigid outdoor radio.
Silence fell on the site. Everyone turned and stared at me. Finally, Graham stepped forward.
“Joe. Why don’t you go ahead and take the day off?” I turned and saw by the set of his jaw that Graham was pissed. Still numb, I felt like an idiot but it was too late to fix it now. Nodding curtly, I strode to the radio and pulled my hammer out of the remains. Looking at the terrified newbie, I gestured to the radio.
“Send me a bill.”
Without waiting for him to respond I turned and walked back to my truck. I hadn’t lost my temper in public like that for a long time. The disappointed looks on the faces of Graham, Mac, and Mason haunted me as I climbed into the driver’s seat. As I pulled away from the curb, Molly strode purposefully in my direction wearing a concerned frown. Mac trotted after her. He cut her off a few steps from my vacated parking place, and grabbed her by both shoulders. She wrenched herself out of his grasp, and I could see them gesturing wildly at one another in my rearview mirror.
I passed my exit without slowing and got onto the interstate. There was no destination in my mind, but it came as no surprise when I found myself pulling into a parking spot under a shady tree at the cemetery.
I didn’t come here much anymore. In the early days, I spent most of my time here. It was one of the places I ended up after doing something stupid. Like getting arrested for getting into a bar fight. Or punching out the general contractor who told me he didn’t give a shit if my wife was dead or not I should show up on time. Things had just kept getting worse rather than better. It got hard for me to find work. I started spending more time either drunk or at the cemetery. Sometimes both.
My inability to function coupled with my spiraling money problems had caused my friends to stage an intervention, led by Tamryn. My eyes lost focus as my mind wandered back to that awful day.
Tamryn found me in some dive bar and with the help of Mac and Mason dragged me back to my apartment. Graham was there waiting to join them. At the time, there was no functioning sink. The toilet worked, most of the time, and there wasn’t much drywall. Tamryn started the festivities out by spraying half a bottle of air freshener into the air.
“God! This is worse than a homeless shack by the sewage treatment plant. How can you stand this?” She eyed me ruefully, and I was tired of seeing the expression. I shrugged.
“You don’t like it? Feel free to leave. I don’t recall asking for fucking company. Much less for you to come here and judge me on how I live.” It was a cheap shot, designed to make her cry and go away. Instead she laughed in my face. It wasn’t a nice laugh either.
“Live? Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve seen cockroaches that take more pride in how they live. You are a god damn embarrassment. Way to go, Joe. You’re single-handedly proving dad right about everything he ever said.”
“Fuck you! Get the fuck out of my house, Tamryn!” Mac and Mason stood between me and my sister. Good thing for her too. She was getting me angry enough that I wasn’t sure what I was capable of.
“Fuck me? You sniveling little bitch! You lay around all day. You don’t work. You pretty much gave up and started leeching off of everyone around you like the loser dad always said you would become. And you tell me to fuck off? You arrogant ass! Your friends here and I are the only reason you aren’t dead or in jail!”
She wasn’t saying anything that wasn’t accurate. The fact that it was all true only made me that much angrier. It was a cheap shot for her to bring dad into all of this. She knew it, too.
“What do you want from me, Tamryn” I was so angry this came out as a growl and Mac and Mason traded worried looks. She seemed to realize she was pushing her luck and stepped back. Graham stepped in front of her and I focused on him instead. The look on his face surprised me. He was furious.
“Damn it, Joe! You are better than this! The Joe I love would never have spoken to any woman like that! Much less his sister! You should be ashamed of yourself.” It was like a slap in the face. Of everyone I knew, Graham’s opinion was the one I respected the most. He had taught me half the things I knew about life, much less construction. I’d never heard him this angry and it was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over my head.
Part of me wanted to crumble to the floor in tears. But I’d learned years ago that showing weakness like that was unacceptable. Taking a breath, I kept my face as impassive as possible.
“You’re right Graham. Sis, I’m sorry.” She stayed turned away from me and I could tell by the way her shoulders were shaking that she was crying. I turned back to Graham. “What’s this all about?”
“It is about you realizing that it’s time for you to start healing. You have suffered a horrible loss, son. Simply put, you need to start moving forward. We’ve tried to be patient. We’ve waited for you to find your own way. But your sister is trying to hold your life and her life together at the same time. She loves you too much to tell you this, of course.” Graham maintained his collected manner, but I could tell even he was near a breaking point.
I looked over and saw Mac standing guard between me and my sister with his arms crossed and an unlit cigarette between his lips. Mason had his arms around Tamryn, who was now sobbing onto his shoulder.
“What do you mean?” Part of me really didn’t want to hear the answer.
“Since you decided to check out of your own life, your sister has been working for free to help keep you out of jail. Between that and trying to keep you from having everything you own taken away from you, she’s barely been sleeping. Much less spending the time she should with her kids. She can’t keep this up, Joe. No one could. It’s time for you to stop depending on her and start taking care of all of this yourself.”
He said it gently and with no trace of rancor. But each word slammed into me like a physical blow. His words merged with Tamryn’s in my head. I’m a burden. That is what they are saying. I have become what dad always said I would be. A loser and a burden.
I felt like I was going to be physically ill. The remainder of the conversations became a blur. I made promises. I acted the way I knew they all expected me to. Even though I couldn’t make contact with the feelings they wanted me to have, I knew they deserved me to at least act like I did. Fake it until you make it. And so I got really good at faking being ‘okay’.
For the next few months, I put a lot of effort into doing what needed to be done. I went back to work and tried hard. Not that I didn’t have setbacks. My ange
r issues still came out in what my shrink would later call ‘unacceptable physical confrontations’. Between the bar fights I picked and the altercations at work, I’m lucky I can still work anywhere in Austin.
Graham stood up for me and with Tamryn’s help got me court ordered counseling and community service. I took all the community service jobs that did not involve working with the public. The shrink was a completely different story. The ruling read that Dr. Greene had me until he was satisfied that I was no longer a danger. Damn quack had been happy to take my money ever since.
Wrenching my truck door open, I used the action to pull myself back to the present. Mooning over past mistakes didn’t do a damn thing. Graham had always told me to learn from my mistakes and move on. But it was always easier to say something than to actually do it.
My feet shuffled of their own accord down a well-kept path. A few short minutes later, I stood in front of a large white tombstone. The top of the stone had the large word Jensen carved into it. Engraved upon the front of the stone were two names Jessica—beloved wife and mother. Jack—beloved son. The birth and death date below his name were the same, and every time I saw it, I lost the ability to stand. Sinking down next to the stone, I lay one hand upon the cold marble.
“Hey,Sunshine. Hey, Little Man. Sorry it took me so long to come back for a visit.” There, where no one could witness my breakdown, I let my tears spill onto the grass atop their graves.
CHOPPING VEGETABLES IS about as violent as it gets in the culinary world, and I was in the zone. I’d arrived early to prep because Sanchez had to meet with his parole officer. Thinking about his incarceration always infuriated me. All Dirty S. did was stop his stepfather from beating the shit out of his mother. So he knocked out all of his teeth? Calling that ‘aggravated assault’ and trying a seventeen year old as an adult was a travesty. It made me want to start a protest, but Sanchez was pretty philosophical about it. He’d learned a lot in the prison kitchen while he was doing time. It was over now and his parole was coming to a swift end.
Good Wood (Carved Hearts) Page 10