Knocked Up by the Killer

by B. B. Hamel

  “Sounded like you were begging your boss not to fire you.” He got up and walked to the doorway of the bedroom.

  “Do you have to listen in on my calls?”

  “Yes,” he said.

  “Well, don’t, you creep.”

  “You’re ten feet away from me,” he said. “Kind of hard to ignore.”

  “I’ll go in the bathroom next time.”

  “Don’t bother. I’ll just push my ear against the door.”

  I made a face. “What’s with you?”

  “Just being honest.”

  “Well, don’t. Or maybe just don’t eavesdrop on me.”

  He grinned and made a dismissive gesture. “Aw, you don’t mind. You’re just bored.”

  “Damn right I’m bored.” I flopped hard back on the bed. “I’m about to get fired and some guy wants to murder me. So, uh, yeah, not a whole lot good in my life right now.”

  “You’re hanging out with me,” he said.

  “You went all day yesterday without saying a single word to me,” I said.

  “I was meditating.”

  “You were watching Saved by the Bell reruns.”

  “I love Screech,” he said. “Hilarious guy. Goofy hair. Solid physical comedy. Good stuff.”

  “You’re insane.” I sat up on my hands and stared at him. “I want to go outside.”

  “Out of the question.”

  “Please?”

  “Nope.”

  “Tanner.” I shuffled forward, got on my knees, clasped my hands together. “I just want to go for a walk around the block. I want to see people that aren’t you. I want to smell something that’s not stale hotel body odor and cleaning supplies.”

  “That reminds me, we really do need to let the maid come through here tomorrow.” He made a disgusted face and ran a finger along the doorjamb.

  “I’m being serious.”

  “I am too. It’s disgusting in here.”

  “Tanner, please. Let’s go for a walk. You can stay with me the whole time. I’ll hold your hand if you want, so I can’t get away.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “I’m not worried about you running away.”

  “What are you worried about?”

  “Bennigan’s watching,” he said. “And he’ll see us.”

  “You think he’s going to attack in the middle of the day on a random Tuesday?”

  “It’s Wednesday.”

  I groaned. “I lost a day. Oh my god, I’m so bored, I lost an entire day.”

  He pushed off the doorjamb and walked over. He sat down on the bed next to me. The mattress bounced and dipped from his weight. I stared at him and hoped I was making suitable puppy-dog eyes.

  “Stop looking at me like you’re about to pee,” he said.

  My puppy-dog eyes turned into a glare. “Don’t be a dick.”

  “I’ll take you outside,” he said. “But you have to do something for me in return.”

  “What? Anything. I’ll do anything.” I regretted the words as soon as they came out. His face lit up with a smile.

  “I want you to give me a bath.”

  “What?” I leaned away from him.

  “You know what I mean, right?”

  “I’m not totally sure. Like, you’re some kind of baby?”

  “No. Well, yes. I want you to wash my back. And rub it a little bit.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously. My muscles are a mess. I think I pulled something when I did those awesome two hundred pushups.”

  “So I give you a back rub in the bathtub and that’s it?”

  “And wash my feet.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Tanner.”

  “Yes, just the back rub,” he said and laughed. “God, the look on your face.”

  “Asshole.”

  “Do we have a deal?”

  I shoved my hand out to him. “Deal.”

  He shook, nodded his head once, and stood. “Let’s go.”

  “Right now?” I gaped at him. “I need to shower. I don’t think I’ve showered in two days.”

  “Closer to three,” he said. “But you’re fine. Now or never, sweet girl.”

  I jumped to my feet. “Fuck it. Let’s go.”

  He led me into the main room, grabbed his gun, slipped it into his waistband, and pulled his shirt overtop it. He walked to the door, listened, open it up, looked both ways, then gestured for me to follow.

  I slipped on a pair of sandals and went after him.

  “Are you going to do this spy shit the whole way?” I asked.

  He glared at me. “Quiet.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  We took the stairs. He went first, checking over each railing, listening at each landing. It took way longer than normal but we made it to the lobby without issues. He crept out ahead of me, his eyes sweeping the space.

  I hurried after him, my sandals making a slapping sound on the marble floor.

  The sliding doors opened ahead.

  Glorious, amazing, blessed sunlight kissed my skin.

  I felt like a vampire seeing the day for the first time in a thousand years.

  And my god, it felt perfect.

  Tanner slipped his hand into mine. I looked up at him, surprised.

  He smiled and shrugged. “You said I could.”

  “You’re very weird, you know that?”

  “I guess.” He squeezed my hand. “Come on. Let’s go for a stroll, sweet girl.”

  “Is that my new name? Sweet girl?”

  “I’m trying it out.”

  “I’m not a fan.”

  He grinned. “I love it then.”

  I let out a breath.

  But I refused to let him get under my skin.

  We walked along the block and turned left at Walnut. He took me to Twentieth then cut south. We walked around behind the hotel along a row of houses and small gastropubs. Couples walked dogs. Guys jogged past. Cars rolled along. Music blared from an open window and I was tempted to linger under it and listen.

  But Tanner pulled me along.

  “How far should we go?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Do you know this area?”

  “A little,” he said. “It’s not my taste, really.”

  “What’s your taste, then?”

  “Passyunk’s probably my favorite street,” he said. “South Street’s fun at night with all the tourists and the drunk college kids. Old City’s fun, what with all the new museums and stuff.”

  “You don’t strike me as a museum kind of person.”

  “A guy kills people for a living and he can’t enjoy museums.” Tanner shook his head. “That’s just prejudice, pure and simple.”

  “Poor baby,” I said.

  We passed St. Patrick’s Church with its huge stone columns. The windows ended in swept arches. Potted plants needed pruning out front.

  “Come here,” he said and tugged me up the steps.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Let’s look inside.”

  “Of a church?”

  He nodded and pulled me along. I climbed the stairs behind him. He tugged on the big wooden door and it creaked open. He slipped inside and I went in after him.

  The lobby was cramped and quiet. The walls were smooth polished stone and the floor was black and white tile. Paintings and statues of Jesus and the Virgin Mary stared down at us.

  Tanner tugged me onward. He pulled open a pair of double doors with metal flower patterns in the glass and took me into the sanctuary. Red candles flickered at Jesus’s feet. The marble was teal, green, beige, and gorgeous. Stained glass glowed to the left. Rows and rows of pews stretched toward the altar at the front. It was quiet, but I felt like my breath echoed.

  “I love this place,” Tanner said quietly. He walked between the pews toward the front.

  “Are we allowed in here?”

  “No clue,” he said. He slipped into the front pew and sat down. A gold cross stared down at us.

  I hesitated then
sat next to him. “Are you, uh, religious?”

  “Raised Catholic,” he said.

  “Oh,” I said.

  “You?”

  “Same.”

  “Ah, Catholicism.” He smiled a little. “Sometimes I wish I was Protestant. They get heaven without all the guilt and the hard work.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t remember much about church,” I said. “I wasn’t the best about it, you know?”

  “I’m not sure what that means.”

  “I used to bring paperbacks in with me and read during the sermons. It was the only way my parents would let me go.”

  He snorted. “That’s funny. My foster parents never would’ve let me do that.”

  “Lucky me, I guess?”

  “I liked church though.” He tilted his head, staring up at the altar. “I liked the ceremony. I always thought it was beautiful.”

  “I’ve never been to mass before.”

  “We could go sometime,” he said. “Maybe we could go here.”

  I looked at him for a long moment. He stared straight ahead with a small, sad smile on his lips.

  “What do you think is after this?” I asked, my voice gentle.

  He glanced at me. “Not sure,” he said. “Heaven, maybe, though for me—”

  “No, I mean, after this whole situation we’re in is over.”

  “Ah,” he said. “I’m not sure of that, either.”

  “You think it can end if my dad makes a deal with the other mob, right?”

  “That’s the idea.”

  “Then what? I just… get left alone?”

  “I hope so.”

  “And what about you?”

  “I don’t know,” he said. “Saving you was something of a bridge-burning action, you know what I mean?”

  “I almost feel bad, which is weird, because that just means you don’t get to kill people for a living.”

  He just shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

  “But seriously, where will this leave you?”

  “I’ll manage.”

  “Won’t the Leone family want to… punish you?” I chewed on my lip for a second. “I mean, they can’t just let you get away with defying them, right? That’s how these people operate.”

  He gave me a long look and I thought I saw a measure of surprise and sadness in his eyes.

  “I don’t know what they’ll do,” he said. “But you’re right, they’ll probably want to make an example out of me.”

  “So basically, by saving my life, you threw away yours.”

  “You could see it that way,” he said. “I’m choosing to see it a different way.”

  “How’s that?”

  “I’m choosing to think of this as a new beginning.”

  “Come on,” I said. “That can’t be true. What are you going to do? Get a real job?”

  “I have skills.”

  “I don’t think they’re really applicable to the real world.”

  He just shook his head and stood. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go before we get yelled at.”

  He slipped past me and back out into the aisle. He walked toward the entrance. I watched him go then got up and followed. My steps echoed off the marble.

  I wanted to say a prayer, but I didn’t know how.

  So I kept my mouth shut and followed Tanner back outside.

  He lingered on the steps. “We should get back.”

  I just nodded. He didn’t reach out to take my hand.

  I followed him back to the hotel.

  13

  Tanner

  Going out was a stupid risk.

  But I was just as bored as Elise and couldn’t help myself.

  I regretted it, of course. As soon as we got back into the hotel, I went into the bedroom and started the bath. She lingered near the bathroom door and watched me.

  “You want me to come in now?” she asked.

  “That’s fine,” I said. “You don’t have to.”

  “But we had a deal?”

  I shook my head. “It’s fine.”

  “If it’s about what I said in the church, I didn’t mean to—”

  “I said, it’s fine.” I stared at her, expression flat. “Go order room service or something.”

  She opened her mouth then shut it again. “Fine,” she said. “I’m just trying to be nice. I don’t even know why I bother.”

  She stormed off.

  I rubbed my face and shut the bathroom door.

  I was a fucking moron.

  I don’t know what I expected. I gave up my life for some strange girl that I wanted, and of course I didn’t think that all the way through. At the end of this she could go back to her cushy little life and her nice job and her boring as sin office buddies and trade gossip over the coffee maker while I’ll end up back at my house alone with no jobs and no prospects and a mafia that wants to kill me as an example to all the other hitmen in the city.

  Not the best fucking future imaginable.

  Before I could undress, my phone rang. I stared at the unknown number and answered on a whim.

  “Hello?”

  “Tanner, it’s Lee.”

  I turned off the water. “Hello, Lee,” I said. “Lovely to hear from you.”

  He grunted. “I did that thing you asked for.”

  “Yeah? How’d it go?”

  “Not the best,” he said. “Annoying, actually.”

  “Did you find him?”

  “I sure did. And I’ll tell you right now, it wasn’t easy.”

  “What’s so hard about finding one fucking guy in this city?”

  Lee laughed. “Like I said, it’s Bennigan. He’s a psycho. Worse than you, no offense.”

  “None taken. Where’s he sleeping these days?”

  “Here’s the thing,” Lee said, and I knew this was going to be a real pain in the ass. “I feel like I can’t just give that to you anymore.”

  “You were never just giving it to me,” I said.

  “Now I want money.”

  “Lee.”

  “Money, Tanner.”

  “What happened between then and now?”

  “Nothing happened.”

  “Lee.”

  He grunted again and I thought I heard him moving around. “Fuck, fine, okay? I got into Hog’s poker game.”

  “How’d that go for you?”

  “I’m asking you for money. So not great.”

  “What do you owe?”

  “Ten grand.”

  “Jesus, Lee. What the fuck?”

  “I thought I had him,” Lee said. “Seriously, I did. Hog had that smile he gets when he’s bluffing, you know the one?”

  “He doesn’t smile when he’s bluffing,” I said. “He coughs when he’s bluffing.”

  “Yeah, well, I figured that one out the hard way.”

  “You’re a moron.”

  “I’m a moron that owes ten grand, and you’re the moron that wants what I have.”

  “Do you take personal checks?”

  “Nope.”

  “And I guess I can’t just PayPal you the money?”

  “Probably not.” He paused. “Can you?”

  “I don’t think so.” I closed my eyes. “You want ten grand in cash. That means I have to go to a bank. Then I have to go find you.”

  “Right, that’s the deal.”

  “Fine,” I said. “Is this info good? And motherfucking current?”

  “It’s motherfucking current,” Lee said. “Do you really think I’d try and screw you?”

  “Probably,” I said. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

  “Come on, that was a misunderstanding.”

  “Yeah, you keep saying that.” I squeezed my eyes shut then opened them. “When and where?”

  “Tonight. You know that dog park near the river ramps?”

  “The one with the fence around it?”

  “Yep, right next to the river.”

  “Why the fuck would we go to a dog park?”

 
; “Mookie likes to run around.”

  I groaned. “I forgot you had a dog.”

  “Asshole. Mookie has feelings.”

  “Fine. I’ll see you there at ten.”

  “Works for me. Mookie loves the park, especially at night. Big lights come on, you know? So the dogs can run around as late as they want.”

  “What a world,” I said. “See you then.” I hung up the phone and stared down at my bath.

  I guess I wasn’t getting a soak today.

  Fucking hell. I stood up, reached into the tub, and pulled the plug. I dried my arm off then found Elise lounging in front of the TV.

  “We’ve got an errand to run,” I said.

  “What?” She frowned at me.

  “Errand,” I said. “Then a meeting.”

  “We’re going out?”

  “Yep. Big day for you.”

  She sat up. “Why? What?”

  “Contact of mine found where Bennigan’s been staying. I need to meet with him, pay him off, then we can get that info.”

  “Why do you need to know where Bennigan’s staying? Isn’t the whole point that we avoid him?”

  I gave her a look. “Of course. But if I can get the drop on him, I can buy us a whole lot of time before the Leones can find a new killer.”

  She chewed her cheek. “Okay, right, I guess that works.”

  “So the bath is off.”

  “Can I shower before I go?”

  “It’s all yours.”

  She got up and stretched. I let my eyes roam her body then stopped myself. Our conversation from earlier rang through my head again.

  She had a world waiting for her when this was all done.

  I turned away as she walked back into the bedroom and shut the door with a soft click.

  14

  Elise

  The night felt oppressive as I struggled to keep pace with Tanner. His long legs ate up the pavement like they were designed for it. He had a black duffel bag slung over his shoulder and I saw the outline of his gun tucked into his waistband at his lower back.

  The park was mostly empty. Streetlights broke up the gloom and only a few people sat on the benches. The open grassy fields were empty. Tanner didn’t slow down as he took the narrow, paved path toward a set of large spotlights.

  I heard the dogs before I saw them. Jingling collars, owners making small talk. The dog park consisted of turf, a few trees, green painted fences. The river rolled along lazily beyond. Above, elevated paths curved futuristic and pristine. They hung out over the river and made for good views during the day. Though at night I thought they were more than a little creepy.