Knocked Up by the Killer

by B. B. Hamel

  “Thank you, Drago,” I said. “That’s very kind.”

  The men slowly lowered their guns. I lowered mine, but kept it pressed against Roy’s kidney.

  I stepped to the side and look at the group. They were a motley crew, young and old, scarred and clean. I couldn’t tell where Drago found them, but it didn’t matter.

  “You’re gearing up,” I said.

  “That’s right.”

  “What’s the occasion?”

  Drago gently put his rifle down on a table and held his hands up. He smiled at me and stepped forward.

  “You know what,” he said.

  “Let’s have a conversation,” I said. “Come with me. Front room.”

  I yanked at Roy and turned my back to the crew. It was a risky maneuver, but a worthwhile one. I couldn’t talk to Drago in front of his guys, not if I wanted results.

  I pulled the door open, shoved Roy through. He stumbled, cursed, and let me push him back into the main room. I dragged him over to the stage and stood him next to it. I hopped up and sat on the edge, legs dangling, gun pointed at Roy’s neck again.

  “Almost done,” I said. “Don’t worry.”

  He stared at me. He didn’t move or respond.

  Drago came into the room a second later. He had his hands up.

  “All right, Tanner,” he said. “What do you want?”

  “I want you to stop this bullshit,” I said.

  “Too far for that.”

  “You haven’t left. You haven’t fired a shot. It’s not too late.”

  “What do I tell those boys back there?” he asked. “They’re all fired up. You want me to just pull the plug?”

  “I want you to be smart.”

  “You know I can’t back down. You know that’s not how this works.”

  I sucked in a breath. I let it out through my teeth. It hissed like a whistle.

  “We’re so close,” I said. “We’re so close to finishing this. If you can just keep your dick in your pants for once in your life and abstain from trying to fuck Don Leone, this could be all over, and you might actually profit. But you just refuse to play along, don’t you?”

  “You know that’s not how this goes, Tanner,” he said. “We’re not that kind of people. We don’t make arrangements. We don’t make agreements. We take what we want.”

  I hopped down off the stage and walked to Drago. He stared at me and I saw the flicker of fear in his eyes. Roy didn’t move, but I kept an eye on him in my peripheral.

  “You’re going to be better,” I said. “For your daughter’s sake. You’re going to march back there and tell them that this is all over.”

  “No,” he said.

  So I punched him in the face.

  He staggered back and gasped. I didn’t hit him too hard. Really just a love tap. But I got him right in the mouth and his lip was a bloody mess.

  Roy flinched, almost dropped his hands. I looked at him and pointed the gun. “Don’t,” I said.

  Drago put his hands to his bloody mouth. “You fucking psycho,” he said. “You realize I’m going to kill you now, right?”

  “No, you’re going to go back there and cancel this little trip,” I said. “Do you hear me?”

  “Fuck you.”

  So I hit him again. Another love tap. That time I used the butt of my gun and nailed him right in the eye. Fucker stumbled and dropped to his knees.

  Roy took a step closer.

  “Move again,” I said, “and you’re dead.”

  Roy’s eyes burned.

  “Fuck you,” Drago said. “Oh, damn it. Fuck you, asshole.”

  “Go tell them you’re finished,” I said. “For your daughter’s sake, not for mine. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Leone’s probably going to try to kill me either way.”

  Drago grinned at me. His teeth were bloody. “Good. I hope he pulls it off.”

  I stepped closer to Drago and dragged him to his feet. He stared in my eyes and I saw the fear there. He knew what I was capable of.

  Roy made his move then. He barreled forward, shoulder dropped, hands at his hip. Probably going for a knife I missed.

  I barely moved. I aimed and fired two rounds, hit him once in the neck and once in the head.

  He stumbled and crashed through a table.

  Drago flinched as blood splattered on our shoes.

  I looked at Roy and sighed. He pissed himself down on the floor, the poor bastard.

  “That was a shame,” I said then looked at Drago. “Do the right thing.”

  I turned and ran.

  Drago’s crew spilled out from the back. I sprinted ahead and slammed into the door just as they started shooting. A few rounds almost hit me, slammed into the wood next to my face. I got splinters across the cheeks and mouth, bad enough to draw blood. I threw open the outside door and stumbled into the daylight.

  I sprinted away. I heard the guys come out behind me, but Drago shouted them down. I ran like hell, saw the Lexus ahead, dove in the driver’s side.

  “Tanner?” Elise looked terrified, her face pale. “Did I hear gunshots?”

  “Yep.” I started the car and pulled out. I turned around in the street and drove fast away from the club.

  “Are you okay?”

  I touched my face. “Just cut a little.”

  “Did you kill someone?”

  “Sure did.”

  “My dad?”

  “He’s okay,” I said. “And I think I was convincing enough.”

  She stared at me, ghostly pale, and just nodded.

  “Okay,” she said. “That’s good.”

  I smiled at her in the rearview mirror and drove us back to my apartment.

  29

  Elise

  Tanner is on and off the phone for the next three days. And I’m constantly in his bed.

  When we’re not losing ourselves in each other, Tanner’s talking to the Leone family, or people associated with them. Or he’s cajoling my father, pushing him into promises and deals. Tanner acted as a go-between, slowly hammering out the details of a potential truce.

  I could tell it drove him crazy. He wasn’t built for that kind of work and more than once I had to talk him out of killing someone. He wanted to force a solution on everyone to make things go faster, but I knew that wouldn’t stick.

  They all had to agree, or else it wouldn’t ever work.

  So he played the politician. He pretended to care and spent hours on the phone. He met with my father in a public park and they went over details of his proposed plan.

  After three days, it all began to come together. And on the morning of the fourth, he found me sitting out on the balcony with coffee again.

  “They’re sitting down today,” he said.

  I sat up straight. “Are you serious?”

  “I’m serious.” He turned his face toward the sun and the light bounced off his lovely skin. “I just got the call from your father. I was waiting on him to agree.”

  “So you’re telling me it’s going to be over?”

  “I’m telling you they’re meeting, and we have a framework for peace in place,” he said. “One that seems to make everyone happy. I don’t know if it’ll last. I don’t know if they’ll try to kill each other. But shit, it might work.”

  “You’ll be there,” I said. “They won’t do anything stupid with you there.”

  He snorted. “Hell, yeah, they will. They’re dumb motherfuckers. But we’ll both be there.”

  My eyebrows went up. “You’ll let me come?”

  “I want you to come,” he said. “I want them to see you. I want them to understand.”

  I tilted my head and shifted in my seat. “Understand what?”

  “That all of this was over you,” he said. “Just an innocent girl. You didn’t deserve any of it. And now there are a few dead bodies because they couldn’t just leave you alone.”

  I sipped my coffee and nodded. “Okay. If you think it’ll help.”

  He grinned and crouched n
ext to me. He kissed my cheek and cupped my chin. “I have no fuckin’ clue if it’ll help,” he said. “But hey, let’s go for it anyway.”

  I smiled, kissed him, bit his lip, then leaned back in my chair. He lingered there and we didn’t speak as the sun rose up over the city, glinted off the windows across the street, and illuminated the people down below as they went about their lives, isolated from all the violence, all the hate, all the death that had followed me around for the past month.

  I stared at a sliding glass door. Inside was a conference room with a long wooden table, mismatched modernist chairs, and a wall covered in inspirational slogans like “Teamwork Rules!” and “Together We’re Better!”

  “Where did you find this place?” I asked.

  Tanner shrugged. “Google.”

  “Seriously?”

  A guy with a manbun, tight brown pants, and a shirt that looked like it came straight out of a 1920’s gangster movie walked past balancing a white coffee cup on a plain white plate. He smiled and nodded as he turned the corner.

  “It’s one of those workspace sharing places,” Tanner said. “WorkWith or something like that.”

  “I saw the sign out front, but what made you think this was a good idea?”

  He shrugged again like he didn’t understand the problem. “I needed neutral space,” he said. “Somewhere public enough that the idiots wouldn’t try to kill each other, but private enough that we could talk. Somewhere safe and secure.”

  “So you went with a hipster coworking space?”

  He grabbed the sliding door and pulled it open. “Come on, look at this. It’s inspirational.”

  I groaned and followed him into the room. He pulled out a chair and sat down. I lingered near the door watching the hallway. A girl wearing a pink pant suit sauntered past with her nose buried in a tablet.

  “These people are all going to die,” I said. “You realize that, right?”

  “Oh, come on. You’re exaggerating. Anyway I’ll protect them if I have to.”

  “Great. You’re the hipster hero.”

  He laughed and stretched. “They’ll be here soon. Go grab some coffee if you’re worried.”

  I hesitated then craned my neck. A guy in a Sum 41 tank top with spiky hair frowned at me from behind a MacBook.

  “That’s okay,” I said. “I’ll just stay here and, uh, pace around, I guess.”

  Tanner gestured then took out his phone and started scrolling around on it.

  I paced along the far wall, my mind a mess of worry. The Leone family was supposed to show up soon, and my father promised he’d come, but I was starting to think this would all fall apart. Maybe they’d start killing each other, or maybe they’d try to kill me. Or maybe Tanner would get frustrated with everyone and start murdering. I ground my teeth and felt like my head might explode.

  Tanner cleared his throat and I turned. My father stood at the glass door and scowled in at us. He pulled it open and stepped through. A large man in a black suit followed him inside and shut the door.

  “Dad,” I said.

  He nodded to me, but he didn’t smile or take his eyes off Tanner.

  “I’m here,” he said. “Where’s the Don?”

  “He’s coming,” Tanner said. “I set up separate arrival times. I figured it’d be easier that way. Avoid some awkward small talk.”

  Dad grunted, looked at me, then took a seat at the table. The big guy shifted from foot to foot then stood behind my father, hands clasped in front of him, face studiously neutral.

  Tanner squinted at the guy. “Do I know you?” he asked. “Were you one of the idiots that shot at me the other day?”

  I flinched. The guy looked at Tanner. “I was the one that almost killed you,” he said.

  Tanner laughed. “Horseshoes and hand grenades.”

  “What?” Bigman frowned at him.

  “Horseshoes and hand grenades,” Tanner said again.

  “It’s a saying,” Dad said, sounding annoyed. “Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”

  “Listen, motherfuckers—” Bigman said, but Dad held up a hand.

  “Shut up,” he said. “When’s the Don gonna show?”

  Tanner gestured for calm. “Soon,” he said. “Why not enjoy some complimentary coffee? I hear it’s pretty good. All the guys with piercings seem to like it, anyway.”

  Dad made a face and just grunted before crossing his arms over his chest.

  I drifted over to Tanner and took the chair next to him. An awkward, heavy silence fell over the table. I wanted to ask my dad what happened between him and Tanner, but I already knew I didn’t want to hear any more details. Bigman kept glaring at Tanner every few seconds and I got the feeling that he was intensely uncomfortable.

  Whatever Tanner did must’ve left an impression.

  There were footsteps in the hall and I half stood as several men appeared outside the glass door. I recognized Dante from the cafe, but I didn’t know the others. Behind Dante stood a bald man and an old man wearing a sweater vest like he was a grade school teacher.

  Dante slid open the door and held it. The bald man came in first, glaring around like he wanted to start shooting. The old man came in next, limping heavily on a cane. His face was pale and drawn, and he had bags under his eyes. He nodded to my dad and paused at the other end of the table.

  “Drago Borghi,” he said.

  “Luciano Leone.” Dad stood. “I’m happy you came in person.”

  “Can’t send an underling to deal with something this important,” he said. “You understand.”

  “Of course.” Dad gestured. “Please, sit.”

  Dante gave Tanner a look then closed the door as the Don took a seat. I stared at Don Leone and tried to see him as the ruthless killer I knew he was, but I couldn’t get past the grandfatherly look in his eye. If the man really was a shark, he hid it very well.

  “I’m glad you could all make it,” Tanner said. “I know this is a little cramped. Best I could do on short notice.”

  “Never been in one of these before,” Dante said. “Lots of hipsters love this shit, right?”

  “It’s nice,” Don Leone said. “Young people working hard. Can’t fault them for it.”

  “Let’s get to business,” my dad said. He leaned forward on the table. “Tanner’s been playing lawyer for the last few days, and he says our most recent conversation is the best we’ll do. Is that true, Don Leone?”

  “It’s true, Don Borghi.” Don Leone tilted his head and steepled his fingers. “I must say, though, you couldn’t have expected more.”

  Dad grunted and leaned back. He crossed his arms and stared at Don Leone. Bigman’s face didn’t change. Baldy kept glaring around at everyone. Dante lingered near the door, looking uncomfortable and like he wanted to get the hell out of there.

  Tanner beamed like he was in heaven.

  “You’re giving me Eastwick,” Dad said. “Beyond that, I’m limited to a few blocks here, a few blocks there. Nothing big, nothing powerful.”

  “That’s the idea,” Don Leone said.

  “I wonder how you think I’m going to make money that way.” Dad glanced at Tanner. “Or maybe our go-between hasn’t been entirely honest.”

  “I’m a Boy Scout,” Tanner said.

  “He’s been honest,” Don Leone said. “But I held something back. I wanted to be sure you’d come to the table first before making a real offer.”

  Dad raised an eyebrow. I saw a glimmer of surprise. “I’m listening then,” he said.

  “We’ve been working closely with a cartel. They bring in the drugs, we sell, we do a nice little revenue split, we all profit. It’s a good business, one I’d like to expand, and so here is my offer. You come into the business with me, you take the same split I offer to everyone, you do your business here in the city. But you also do business in New York with your distribution lines there. In New York, you take a bigger cut, I get a much smaller percentage, we do business like that. On your home turf, you
get more. On my home turf, I get more.”

  Dad grunted once and shook his head. “I can’t see how that’d be fair,” he said.

  “And why not?” Don Leone smiled like a patient old man.

  “My business in New York is twice what you do here,” Dad said. “I’d get a pittance of the Philly cut, and even on a small percentage, you’d get a nice, big haul with zero of the risk from my crew in the big city. I want the same percentage on your overall Philly sales that you’d get on my New York work.”

  Don Leone laughed. “I’m glad you noticed that,” he said. “Otherwise, I would’ve thought you were stupid.”

  Dad’s smile is thin and menacing. “What do you say?”

  Don Leone looked up at Baldy, who only shrugged. He looked back down at Dad and spread out his hands. “I think we can work with that,” he said.

  “Good.” Dad seemed to relax a fraction of an inch. “Then we need to discuss my daughter.”

  Don Leone looked at me for the first time, and I saw it, buried deep within his eyes.

  There was the shark.

  “Yes, the girl,” he said. “You’ve been very difficult to kill, you know. Lucky you, finding Tanner.”

  “She’s very fortunate,” Tanner said.

  “At least he has some small semblance of a conscience,” I said. “I didn’t know you were in the business of murdering innocent people.”

  “You’re in the game, girl,” Don Leone said. “Not innocent. Not off limits.”

  “I left the city to get away from my father, and now you sucked me back into all this.” I leaned toward Don Leone and stared into his eyes. “You’re getting off easy.”

  “Careful,” Baldy said.

  Don Leone just laughed. “I like you,” he said. “I understand why Tanner does, too.”

  “She’s right though,” Tanner said. “You’re profiting in all this, and you don’t deserve it.”

  “Tanner, I don’t want to hear you speak again,” Don Leone said. “You’ve been nothing but a pain in my ass and I’m very tired of you.”

  Tanner laughed and spread out his hands. “I’m a delight. What can I say? I live to please, Don Leone.”

  “We had a good relationship, once. Then you betrayed me, killed a contractor, and started a lot of shit. I can promise I’ll leave the girl along, but you? I can’t promise you’ll be okay.”