by Mike Sutton
Jim – I get to play Johnny when you two are done with this match.
Eugene – I thought you called winner.
Johnny – He did.
Eugene – Then why did he say that he was going to play you?
Jim – Gene, you haven’t got a snowball’s chance in hell of beating Johnny at this. An autistic five year old has as good of a chance as you.
Eugene – Not true, I’ve been practicing!
Jim – When was this?
Eugene – Earlier this week at the arcade.
Johnny – How much money did you waste this time?
Eugene – It was money well spent.
Jim – But how much was well spent?
Eugene – Ten dollars.
Johnny – How long did you play for?
Eugene – I wasn’t playing. I was training. It was hard work.
Jim – How long did you play for?
Eugene – Twenty minutes.
Johnny – You blew through all ten dollars in just twenty minutes?
Eugene – What do you mean blew through? The arcade manager said he had never seen someone with my level of skill before in all his years of working at that arcade. In fact he said that he’d never forget the experience of watching me play. I’m just that good.
Jim – Did he say all of that with a strait face?
Eugene – No, he was smiling the whole time. But only because he was happy to bathe in the warm glow of the presence of a true master.
Jim – Did he say that too?
Eugene – No, he didn’t have to.
Jim – I play Johnny when you two are done.
Eugene – How do you know? I bet I’ll end up owning him.
Jim – Sure you will, just be sure to not to break the controller, I’m going to need it in a couple minutes.
Johnny – Are you two through yet? By the time we start this game I’ll be as old as Jim.
Jim – You’ll never live that long.
Johnny – What-ever. Are we ready Gene?
Eugene – Damn strait.
(The game begins. Gene is dynamic and animated through the match. Johnny is quite still. The round lasts for about a minute.)
Eugene – What the? No damnit don’t just stand there. Block it…not with your head! No…Gah! Out of the way, out of the way. De-ie. Gppht.
Jim – That didn’t take nearly as long as I expected.
Johnny – Ten dollars well spent.
Eugene – I was gypped! This controller doesn’t work. I want a re-match, but I want a different controller first.
Jim – Is it? I better test it to make sure. Hand it over.
Eugene – I’m telling you it doesn’t work.
Jim – Well only one way to be sure. Come on, give it over. (Gets the controller)
Johnny – Oh come on you two are really stretching it.
Jim – Ready?
Johnny – Why wouldn’t I be? And you better not blame this beat-down on a bad controller.
Jim – Who says there is going to be a beat down?
(The game goes for about 2 minutes. Jim is animated in his responses, but not nearly so much as Eugene.)
Jim – Hey yeah, take that. Oh wait outta the corner! Out out, move damn you. You’re making me look bad. There you go. Eat that John. Ha ha. No wait, stop that. Jeeze. Ouch. Damnit! You cheat!
Johnny – You loose again.
Jim – Gene’s right, this controller is screwed up.
Eugene – See!
Johnny – What do you mean screwed up? You just suck at this game. Admit it.
Jim – I do not. The controller just doesn’t work. I never once made my character lay down on the ground and look that’s what he’s doing now.
Johnny – He’s lying on the ground because he’s been knocked out.
Jim – Well he wouldn’t have been knocked down if my controller would work.
Eugene – Yeah!
Liz – Oh for God’s sake, you two are pathetic.
Jim – We are not. The controller is just wonky. I’m really pretty good at this game.
Liz - I’ve seen you play, you’re almost as bad as Gene.
Jim – I am not! It’s the controller, I’m much better than Gene!
Eugene – Yeah! Hey! I’m good at this game.
Johnny – Gene, a blind autistic monkey with one paw tied behind its back could beat you.
Eugene – Could not, it was the controller damn it!
Liz – Give me the controller.
Jim – What for?
Liz – I’m going to play Johnny with it.
Jim – Like that’s going to prove anything.
Johnny – Just give he the controller you whiner.
Liz - Thank you.
(Johnny and Liz play, both making suitable movements. Neither are as animated as either Jim or Eugene. The game lasts for a couple minutes.)
(Running commentary)
Jim – How does she do that?
Eugene – I dunno.
Jim – Woah, I didn’t even know that was possible.
Eugene – Why isn’t she getting kicked in the forehead too?
Jim – Yeah, and how does she move so fast.
Eugene – She’s giving Johnny a run for his money.
(/Running commentary)
Liz – See, the controller works fine.
Jim – Ok, well we just suck it seems.
Eugene – Yeah.
Johnny – It does at that. Finally, someone worth playing.
Jim – Where did you learn how to do that?
Liz – I’ve been playing with John.
(Goes back to painting)
Johnny – She’s gotten good. Lot of fun to play with now.
Jim – Why don’t you ever play with me?
Liz – Because I hate watching you whimper and cry every time your fragile ego is crushed.
Jim – I don’t cry.
Eugene – You do.
Jim – Well alright, maybe a little.
Johnny – Last time it happened, you burst into tears and ran from the room.
Jim – No I didn’t!
Johnny – No you didn’t, but it sure was fun to say.
Eugene – Wish I would have said it.
Jim – Shut up “Godzilla”. Which reminds me, did you ever get the pictures from the Japanese tourists?
Eugene – Actually yes. They’re in my photo album. They even wrote a letter.
Jim – What does it say?
Eugene – I’m not quite sure, they wrote it in Japanese.
Johnny – We translated part of it though.
Jim – So, what does it say?
Johnny – Well I think it starts out “dear crazy American.”
Eugene – And that’s about as far as we got.
Jim – That doesn’t seem like much progress.
Johnny – Well we came to a disagreement on one of the characters.
Eugene – I’m telling you that little house shaped symbol isn’t in the Japanese for dummies book.
Johnny – It doesn’t look that much like a house, it looks more like a mountain.
Eugene – House.
Johnny – Mountain.
Eugene – House.
Johnny – Mountain.
Eugene – House.
Johnny – Mountain.
Jim – So Liz, what are you painting?
Liz – Huh?
Jim – What great creation are you working on now?
Liz – Ummm, I call it “Dorks Playing Poker.”
Eugene – Where did you find the dorks?
Johnny – She means us.
Eugene – I resent that, I’m more of a geek. Besides we weren’t playing poker.
Liz – It doesn’t matter you can’t see the screen anyways.
Johnny – You’re more of an Idiot, house-boy.
Eugene – It is a house damn it.
Johnny – No it looks like a mountain.
Eugene – Prove it!
Johnny – Alright, let’s go get the letter!
(Johnny and Gene exit from the stage still arguing about the letter)
Jim – How long has that been going on?
Liz – Since the letter came. About three weeks ago.
Jim – Those two. My God. How long have they been getting along for?
Liz – Pretty much all fall. They spend a lot of time together now.
Jim – That I never would have predicted.
Liz – Why not? Eugene has always liked Johnny, and Johnny has needed a friend for a while.
Jim – Yeah, but…
Liz – They’re both smart, and share similar interests…
Jim – But…
Liz – Not to mention that they’ve known each other forever and that they live in the same house.
Jim – But…
Liz – But what?
Jim – Well I was just going to say that Johnny hates humanity as a whole, so how did it happen.
Liz – I think John finally let it go. He seems to have learned that from Eugene.
Jim – Is that so?
Liz – Seems to be.
Jim – I wonder what Eugene has happened to learn from Johnny.
Liz – That I’m not sure of, but it doesn’t seem to be any sort of skill at video games.
Jim – That’s for sure. I thought I was bad at games, but Gene, ten dollars in twenty minutes is just terrible. I wonder if that include all the time he had to wait for a turn to play the game.
Liz – Knowing Gene, he really blew twenty dollars in ten minutes, but not by playing video games.
Jim – What do you think he spent it on candy?
Liz – Have you seen how much candy that boy eats?
Jim – Yeah, but twenty dollars of candy is a lot of candy. I mean damn. If he could actually eat that much candy that fast shouldn’t he be like 400 pounds by now?
Liz – Maybe he switched to some expensive imported brand of German chocolate.
Jim – Does that make him a junkie?
Liz – Not yet I hope.
Jim – So what are you painting.
Liz – I told you, “Dorks Playing Poker”.
Jim – I thought you were just messing with Gene and Johnny.
Liz – No, you’re playing games, but I’m calling it “Dorks Playing Poker”. I like the sound of it.
Jim – It does have a nice ring to it. Do you mind if I take a look?
Liz – Sure.
Jim – (walks over and looks at the painting) You got Gene perfect. The expression on his face! Even how he moves! How long have you been working on that?
Liz – About a month now. It occurred to me while watching them play once.
(from off stage)
Eugene – It’s a house.
Johnny – It’s a mountain.
Eugene – No it’s a house.
(Eugene and Johnny walk back onto stage)
Eugene – Jim, what does this character look like to you?
Johnny – Yeah, tell this dingus that it’s a mountain.
Jim – (Takes the paper and looks at it) It looks like an “A” to me.
Johnny – See it’s a mountain!
Eugene – No it’s an A-frame house.
Jim – No you idiots it’s an A, the entire letter is written in English. Except for the header. It was even printed from a computer. You’ve been arguing about this for how long? I swear you two must have been dropped on your heads as children, repeatedly. How much time did you waste on this? And then you came and wasted my time. I swear. Don’t you feel extremely stupid? Well?
Eugene and Johnny – Sucker! We got you good! (leave the stage laughing)
Jim – Did I miss something?
Liz – Well yes and no.
Jim – That was the dumbest practical joke I’ve ever seen.
Liz – Another thing Johnny and Gene have been doing since summer ended. Stupid practical jokes.
Jim – Gene promised Art he would stay out of trouble.
Liz – Well he hasn’t gotten into trouble yet. You’ve missed a lot of stupid practical jokes. Mostly those two play them on one another, sometimes on Art. The quality of his jokes has suffered ever since he promised not to get into trouble.
Jim – Oh well. Enough of this, how have you been?
Liz – Lonely.
(They embrace and kiss)
Jim – I’ve missed you.
Liz – I’ve missed you too, it’s about time you came back to visit.
Jim – I’ve been busy, classes are a bit tougher this year.
Liz – Finally going to graduate, you sure took your sweet time.
Jim – I was enjoying myself, besides when in life would I ever get the chance to take a class about the history of early Mayan painting and sculpture.
Liz – You actually took that class?
Jim – Yeah, they gave me four credits to sleep for an hour a day. It was the greatest class ever.
Liz – You slept through the entire class? What did you get?
Jim – I didn’t sleep through the entire class, I was awake for all of the tests.
Liz – But what did you get?
Jim – I got a solid D.
Liz – That’s barely passing.
Jim – But it is a passing grade.
Liz – Why did you even bother to take the class if you weren’t going to attempt to try and do well in it?
Jim – Well, I needed four more credits to be considered full time, and Mayan art fit into my schedule pretty well, so I took it.
Liz – Did you learn anything at least?
Jim – Yeah, I don’t really like Mayan art.
Liz – That’s all?
Jim – It’s also difficult to sleep on those hard desks.
Liz – You’re never going to graduate.
Jim – Sure I am, this spring.
Liz – You finally talked to your councilor?
Jim – Yep.
Liz – What did he say?
Jim – Well, the first thing out of his mouth was “who the hell are you?”
Liz – I told you that you should have talked to him sooner.
Jim – He said the same thing, at least after he figured out who I was. But then he told me that I was just about 20 credits from graduating, and at the end of this semester I would only need 8 more.
Liz – Did he say anything else?
Jim – He also asked why I had taken the Mayan art class, and a few others. I explained and in the end he seemed to have been happy to see me getting ready to leave.
Liz – You’re impossible.
Jim – Yep, and its hard work too. Speaking of art, when did you want to do my nude portrait?
Liz – How about this weekend some time?
Jim – Sounds good to me. What do you want me to wear?
Liz – We’ll figure that out later. I’m working on a new technique.
Jim – What sort of technique?
Liz – Dark painting.
Jim – Is that the one that involves using all sorts of dark colors?
Liz – No, it involves painting in a dark room. Then you can’t see either the canvas or the subject.
Jim – I have just been insulted.
Liz – No you haven’t
Jim – I’m pretty sure I have.
Liz – Well maybe just a little.
Jim – New subject?
Liz – Sure.
Jim - Who’s cooking dinner tonight?
Liz – I think Art and Karen are.
Jim – Dad is going to cook? Someone actually let him into the kitchen?
Liz – You’re dad’s a good cook.
Jim – Since when?
Liz – He’s been cooking all semester.
Jim – My God, and I missed it. He must have learned only to impress Karen. He couldn’t cook to save his life before he met her.
Liz – Who did most of the cooking then?
Liz – I didn’t know that you could cook.
Jim – I can’t. We ate out a lot. When we didn’t happen to eat out, we ate cold cereal. You’ve met Karen?
Liz – Yep.
Jim – What is she like?
Liz – Haven’t you met her yet?
Jim – Nah, Art wasn’t ready to bring her to meet us, and then I had to go back to school.
Liz – How long have you known about her?
Jim – In general, I first heard about her the day of your show. I think he had known her for about four hours at the time, and he was already in love.
Liz – I didn’t meet her for about a month or so after that, Art invited us all to dinner.
Jim – For Johnny?
Liz – For Johnny.
Jim – How did he take it?
Liz – Not bad, I think he’s still trying to figure out how he feels about it all. That and I don’t think that it’s possible not to like Karen. I think Johnny has a little crush on her.
Jim – Is she that nice?
Liz – Nice, smart, pretty. Karen has it all. I sometimes wish that I were more like her?
Jim – Wha?
Liz – I just wish I was more like Karen.
Jim – How so?
Liz – What do you mean?
Jim – Sorry I’m confused about the whole subject.
Liz – What is there to be confused about? I’d just like to be more like Karen.
Jim –Liz you’re perfect as you are. You’re gorgeous, intelligent and extremely talented.
Liz – Do you really think so?
Jim – Of course I do. I think most women probably want to be more like you.
Liz – (Kisses Jim) Thank you.
Jim – I just call them as I see them.
Liz – Well I’m going to go check to see how Art is doing with the turkey.
Jim – You do that, I’ll start looking for the number that pizza parlor uptown.
(Liz exits the stage)
Jim – (To himself out loud) Well, at least I caught it on the first bounce, I could have gotten into much trouble had I missed a chance to drop a complement.
(Jim walks over to the couch and sits down, taking out a new addition of S-A and starts to read it, momentarily both Eugene and Johnny enter)
Eugene – Ok, this time I’m going to crush you! I mean it, no holding back!
Johnny – Right.
Eugene – You’re going to be humiliated. I didn’t play with my fullest potential before.
Johnny – Uh-huh
Eugene – Just remember when its all over that it’s just a game, don’t get suicidal or anything. I mean I was kind of hungry, but now that we’ve eaten I don’t have anything to distract me from handing out the beat-down.
Johnny – Will do.
Eugene – Its going to be bad for you, maybe we shouldn’t play it’ll save you a lot pain.
Johnny – I think I can handle it.
Eugene – Are you sure? It’s going to really hurt! I have some great moves that I didn’t use before.
Johnny – You ready?
Eugene – Uh, yeah. Just making sure you didn’t want to back out. Just want to save you from as much hurt as possible.
Johnny – Why thanks. Shall we?
Eugene – Um sure, prepare to be owned.
Johnny – Okay.
Eugene – You done preparing? Or do you need more time?
Johnny – I was born ready. Let’s get started.
Eugene – Alright, let’s get going. Are you sure you don’t need more time to prepare? I’m in no hurry.
Johnny – Let’s play.
Eugene – Okay! Uh-oh!
Johnny – What’s wrong?
Eugene – Oh the pain!
Johnny – Now what?
Eugene – I have to goto the bathroom, take a few minutes to warm up, you’ll need it.
Johnny – Don’t fall in.
(Eugene leaves the stage in a noticeable hurry)
Johnny – What’s his problem?
Jim – Aside from his inability to master Super Karate-Master 6000?
Johnny – He sure does suck at this game, I’ve seen him get stomped by 7 year olds at the arcade.
Jim – Gaming isn’t his strong point.
Johnny – No doubt about that. But what is his strong point?
Jim – Eugene has two major skills as far as I know. (A moment of silence)
Johnny – What are they?
Jim – Oh, I thought we had gone over this before.
Johnny – Not that I recall. What is Gene good at?
Jim – His two super-powers are his wondrous ability to bull-shit and the propensity not to be bothered by being completely embarrassed when he gets himself into extremely awkward and stupid situations.
Johnny – Awkward situations? You mean like when he…
Jim - …Yep, like that.
Johnny – And with the nude pictures…
Jim - …Uh-huh.
Johnny – And the mascot costume and the fake blood?
Jim – He survived the angry mob didn’t he?
Johnny – But super-powers?
Jim – They seem to be. And if they aren’t, they sure could be.
Johnny – I’m surprised that he’s survived to be as old as he has.
Jim – I’m not sure, but I think he’s impervious to bullets too.
Johnny – Has someone shot at him too?
Jim – Not while I was around, but I wouldn’t bet against it. Speaking of Gene, how far along have we gotten in adopting him.
Johnny – Nowhere.
Jim – What do you mean? I thought Art was going to start right away.
Johnny – He did, but Gene’s dad wouldn’t sign any papers.
Jim – Isn’t Gene old enough to get around that? I thought that the adoption was only a formal thing we were doing.
Johnny – You’d like to think that, but there was some sort of obscure law and it all fell apart.
Jim – How strangely inconvenient.
Johnny – Yeah it is. Jim?
Jim – What?
Johnny – I feel like I’m being watched.
Jim – What?
Johnny – You know, like in the movie the Truman show. Some times I feel like cameras following my every move. It’s creepy.
Jim – That’s rather paranoid.
Johnny – I know. I know it is. But when something like that happens, well all I can usually think of is how it makes good drama for anyone out there watching.
Jim – It might be entertaining. I’ll have to keep this in mind and actually go out and be more exciting, my sitting around and reading comics all day can’t be much of a drawing factor to the Johnny Show.
Johnny – Or all the times you masturbate.
Jim – I think that they would at least censor that…maybe cut to commercial.
Johnny – That’s a lot of time wasted on commercials.
Jim – The network must be making a killing. Wait a minute, why are we talking about this?
Johnny – I don’t know, what were we talking about before?
Jim – Um, Truman Show, cameras, Eugene not being allowed to be adopted. Yeah, what the hell? Why aren’t we allowed to adopt him?
Johnny – Well Eugene’s father’s attorney found some obscure law that said that Gene could never be adopted by anyone while the father was still alive.
Jim – That’s it?
Johnny – Yep, the judge ruled in favor of Gene’s father. As long as he’s alive Gene needs his permission to be adopted by anyone. Gene’s father wouldn’t ever let that happen because Gene would be happy. The bastard is a total sadist.
Jim – What if Gene’s mother gave us permission.
Johnny – Wouldn’t work.
Jim – Why not?
Johnny – Firstly nobody can find Gene’s mom. Gene’s father tried and failed, Gene tri
ed and failed, the state tried and failed.
Jim – But if we did it…
Johnny - …If we did it, it still wouldn’t matter. Only his father can give permission.
Jim – That seems rather sexist.
Johnny – Yeah, but its a hundred and fifty year old law what do you expect.
Jim – Why didn’t the judge rule against such a stupid law?
Johnny – That putz? Well what do you expect from an old conservative warhorse? To accept change and strike down a stupid pointless law? That judge is at least as crazy as Gene’s father. Besides I think that some money changed hands somewhere in there.
Liz enters
Jim – Possible, always possible. How was dinner going Liz?
Liz – They’ll be ready in less than about an hour. So what are you two talking about?
Jim & Johnny – Eugene.
Liz – The legal problems?
Johnny – What else.
Liz – Good point, he has been well behaved lately. At least as far as I know. I guess there isn’t much else to talk about. (To Jim) So you know that Art isn’t allowed to adopt him.
Jim – That’s what Johnny was saying. How is Gene taking it all?
Liz – Surprisingly well, at least after the first couple weeks. He was really down in the dumps for a while.
Jim – How did you guys snap him out of his funk?
Liz – We didn’t
Johnny – He just came out of it one day.
Jim – Oh damn.
Liz – Think it’s a front?
Jim – Could be.
Johnny – Maybe he wasn’t serious about wanting to be adopted.
Jim – I think he was very serious about being adopted by us.
Johnny – I know. I wish there was some way to help him.
Jim – Yeah I…Wait, did I just hear you correctly?
Johnny – What do you mean?
Jim – That you wanted to help Gene out?
Johnny – Why shouldn’t I? Gene is my friend.
Jim – Just wanted to make sure I heard you correctly.
Johnny – What’s that sposed to mean?
Jim – Well..
Liz – Johnny you remember a couple months ago when you said you wished that Gene would just hurry up and get himself killed?
Johnny – Yeah, so?
Liz – It’s hard to forget that you said that just a few months ago. It’s a big change for such a short time.
Jim – It’s a big change.
Johnny – So people change some times, big deal.
Jim – It’s a good change. Have you been much happier since Gene moved in?
Johnny – Gene moved in years ago.
Jim – I mean officially.
Johnny – Mostly I guess. Except for…
Liz – For what?
Johnny – I was disappointed when I found out that we wouldn’t be able to adopt Gene.
Jim – Maybe there’s something we can do to change the judges mind.
Liz – Not likely.
Jim – Why not?
Johnny – The man has made up his mind.
Jim – Could we get the law struck down as pointless and un-constitutional?
Liz – It would cost too much money.
Jim – We could hold a fund raiser.
Johnny – Is that the best you can come up with?
Jim – What’s wrong with the idea?
Liz – Think long and hard for a minute about all the people Gene has pissed off over the years. How many of them do you think would donate money to help him out.
Jim – Point made. Well isn’t there some sort of loophole we can take advantage of?
Liz – We looked. The only thing that comes close is a clause that makes the whole argument null and void if Eugene’s father dies.
Johnny – And his father is healthy as an ox.
Jim – Damn. I’m out of ideas.
Liz - I know, what would Sumo Assassin do at a time like this?
Johnny – Soil his diaper.
Liz – No really, what would he do?
Jim – I don’t think it would apply to our situation?
Liz – Why not?
Jim – It just wouldn’t
Liz – What would he do?
Jim – Sumo Assassin would race to the courthouse on the Sumo-mobile crash it through the walls and then Aunt Jeihmima the judge, backing over him once or twice to make sure that the judge would stay down. That would only happen after Eugene’s father received the same treatment.
Liz – I guess that wouldn’t work here.
Jim – Nope. Guess we have two choices here, wait till Gene’s father dies and then move forward with the adoption, or forget it all.
Johnny – I hate waiting. Can’t we pray for Eugene’s father to get hit by a train or something?
Jim – I don’t think it usually works like that.
Liz – They do say that god works in mysterious ways.
Jim – I think that they don’t usually ascribe a man being hit by a train as an act of God.
Johnny – What would they call it then?
Jim – Drunkenness. Or plain stupidity. Eugene’s dad never leaves the house anyways. The train would have to crash through his bedroom wall to get to him.
Johnny – Well it might happen.
Jim – That house is at least 10 miles from any railroad tracks. The man has a better chance of being struck by lightning while winning the lottery than he does of being hit by a train while sitting in his bedroom. I’m pretty sure Gene’s father won’t be hit by a train. Unless…
Johnny – Unless what?
Jim – Unless a tornado drops one on him.
Liz – That won’t happen. We haven’t had a tornado here in 50 years at least.
Johnny – Very funny.
Jim - We can always hope though. It’d be the easiest way to solve the problem.
Johnny – How so? By not doing anything?
Jim – We could get a voodoo doll of him and poke it with pins.
Johnny – That won’t work.
Liz – How do you know?
Johnny – I tried it already.
Jim - Who on?
Johnny – Who do you think?
Liz – So that’s why Eugene is so terrible at all of the video games you two play. You know that’s not very sporting of you.
Johnny – I didn’t use voodoo on Gene. Well not lately anyways.
Jim – Mom.
Johnny – Yep.
Jim – How do you know it didn’t work?
Johnny – Well she’s still alive. Even after I dropped the bowling ball on the doll. I even stuffed it with catnip and gave it to Mrs. Kodger’s cats. That doll didn’t last very long from all the abuse it received, but mom did.
Jim – Maybe you didn’t do it right.
Johnny – Hey, I followed the instructions that came with it to the letter. It doesn’t work. Voodoo dolls are a waste of time.
Liz – Aren’t you supposed to use ingredients like goats blood to create a potion?
Johnny – That’s what the instructions said to do. This one said to use the blood of a Dodo bird.
Jim – And you still did it?
Johnny – Of course!
Liz – Where did you get the Dodo’s blood?
Johnny – I didn’t actually use Dodo blood.
Liz – Why not? Isn’t that what the recipe called for?
Johnny – I couldn’t find any. It seems that Dodo birds have been extinct for over a hundred years.
Jim – Is that when you gave up?
Johnny – No, I went through with it anyways.
Jim – What did you use then?
Johnny – Food coloring.
Liz – You used red food coloring in place of chicken’s blood?
Johnny – No, I used yellow food coloring. We were out of red at the time.
Jim – Perhaps that is why you’re attempt at using dark magic failed. Howev
er I doubt that voodoo curses would solve our problems anyhow.
Liz – Red food coloring would have been a little better, but not much.
Jim – You could have at least used Tabasco sauce or something, we always have that.
Johnny – I didn’t think it would matter what I put in if I didn’t have the Dodo blood.
Liz – Good point.
Jim – Guess we can discount using dark magic or voodoo to solve the problem of Gene’s father.
Johnny – What do you suggest then?
Jim – I dunno, just wait I guess.
Johnny – And then what?
Jim – And hope that he spontaneously combusts.
Johnny – Spontaneously combusts.
Liz – Which is about as likely as his getting hit by a train while he’s sitting in his living room.
Johnny – You’re a lot of help.
Jim – What can I say? I’m a fountain of wisdom.
Johnny – Don’t you want to adopt Gene?
Jim – Yes, I’d like to have Gene as a member of the family, which is a weird thing to say.
Johnny – Then why do you keep goofing of? Why don’t you try to help?
Jim – Johnny, if what you’ve told me is correct then all we can really do is wait and hope that Eugene’s father finally dies and goes to hell.
Liz – He’s right Johnny, there isn’t anything we can do but wait till he dies.
Jim – We could give voodoo another shot. Else it’s wait for Eugene’s father to burst into flames on his own.
Johnny – Funny.
Jim – We don’t have many options, aside from murder and I’m not willing to go that far.
Liz – That’s not even funny. Don’t joke about that.
Jim – It wasn’t a joke. Just the truth.
Liz – I’m going to check on dinner. (Liz exits)
Jim – What was that all about?
Johnny – You tell me, you’re dating her.
Jim – I didn’t get a blip on my radar.
Johnny – What’s that sposed to mean?
Jim – Nothing.
Johnny – No, really what did that mean.
Jim – It means that I didn’t see that coming and I don’t know why it happened. If you want to know more ask dad about women.
Johnny – Ask dad about women? You have to be kidding. Anyway I’m going to check on dinner too. (Johnny exits stage, leaving Jim to go back to Sumo Assassin)
Scene 6
The basement, the table is in the forefront now. Jim is still reading Sumo Assassin while lying on a couch at the edge of the stag. The other characters bring in the various courses and implements necessary for Thanksgiving dinner. Slowly everyone else trickles in, starting with Art and Karen.