by Mike Sutton
Art – (Shouts) Jim where are you?
Jim – (Sits up) Right here, where I’ve been for the last twenty minutes.
Art – Why haven’t you been helping out?
Jim – Um, because there were already a bunch of people. And you didn’t need any more to get in the way. Besides, I wanted to catch up with Sumo here.
Art – That stupid comic book still…
Jim – Well yeah, I don’t know anyone in the real world named Sumo.
Art – What about that fat kid down the block? Wasn’t he nicknamed Sumo?
Jim – That was Tubbo, and it was only a nick name we gave him. I wanted to name him Sumo, but he refused to wear the loincloth.
Art – I don’t blame him.
Jim – Neither do I, but still, it would have been funny to see.
Art – Son, seeing large naked butt being framed by a loincloth usually doesn’t classify as fun.
Jim – Tell that to millions of Japanese people.
Art – You see that is completely cultural. In our county it is considered unusual to enjoy watching two very fat men in loincloths grapple with one another.
Jim – I am not unusual.
Art - On to more important matters. Jim, this is Karen. Karen here’s my oldest son Jim.
Karen – Hi.
(They shake hands)
Jim – Good to finally meet you.
Karen – Art has told me a lot about you. So has Elizabeth.
Jim – They’ve told you a lot about me?
Karen – Yes they have.
Jim – Was any of it mildly interesting?
Karen – I thought so.
Jim – The must have lied then.
Karen – Art, you didn’t mention that he was witty.
Art – What wit? I believe that he was serious.
Jim – If Dad and Liz told you a lot about me, then they must have been lying about most of it. I’m not really that interesting.
Karen – You like the comic Sumo Assassin, that in itself if interesting.
Jim – You’ve heard of Sumo Assassin?
Karen – I’ve actually read a couple different issues.
Jim – What did you think?
Karen – It was the worst thing I’ve ever had the poor judgment to start reading. It comes in just after supermarket tabloids.
Jim – Tabloids? You’ve never read the special edition series or Sumo Assassin, it’s even worse than most tabloids, they don’t even bother to make full sentences or finish thoughts. Which is damn near impossible to accomplish without trying to do so.
Karen - But if you can show that much loyalty to something so terrible for so long, well Elizabeth is a lucky woman.
Art – Lucky to have won the loyalty of a dork like my son.
Jim – You’re telling me. She must have accumulated some bad Karma?
Karen – Well aside from reading Sumo Assassin, what do you enjoy doing?
(Liz enters, carrying one last serving bowl behind Karen and Art, Jim can see her)
Jim – Well, I like sitting and lying down on this couch, watching television, playing video games, and when she lets me, touching Elizabeth’s breasts.
Liz – Which won’t be any time soon if you keep this up.
Jim – Ah, well. (Searching for words for a time)…to hell with it, I’m cutting my losses.
Art – Good call Jim. It’s always best quit while you’re behind, but still not in dead last.
Liz – What makes you think I would let you off that easy?
Jim – Um, because it’s almost dinner time and you’re hungry?
Karen – Hi Elizabeth!
Liz – Hi Karen!
(Liz and Karen hug in greeting)
Liz – I am hungry. We’ll talk about this later.
Jim – Damn. Last time I make that joke.
Art – Can’t win them all.
Jim – I’d settle for breaking even sometimes.
Art – Not going to happen. At least not too often. And when it does it will startle you so badly that you’ll suspect a trick and won’t be able to enjoy the experience.
Jim – Wow, that’s reassuring.
Art – Was it? I just wanted to bring you down.
Jim – Well you’ve succeeded.
Liz – Don’t worry Jimbo, I might let you win from time to time.
Karen – Might.
Jim – Did they plan that?
Art – Wouldn’t surprise me if they did. But it wouldn’t surprise me if they could just read one another’s minds.
Jim – Do you think she’s serious?
Karen – How have you been Liz?
Art – You mean about letting you win?
Liz – Busy.
Jim – Yeah.
Karen – Working on a new show?
Art – Don’t count on it.
Liz – Always. Mom has a lot of plans for me.
Jim – I’ll try not to.
Karen – When do I get to meet her?
Liz – She’s coming to Thanksgiving dinner with us?
Jim – What? Cleo is eating here?
(Jim leaps over the back of the couch and starts sorting through the cushions)
Art – Yes, Charles is out of town so we invited her.
Jim – Where are they? Curse them. Ah ha! Here they are. (Jim holds up the Groucho glasses disguise from earlier).
Art - What are you doing with those ridiculous things?
Jim – Just a precaution. Couldn’t she have gone out of town with him? Are they still fighting? (Puts on the glasses)
Liz –They’re still fighting. Jim take those off, you look like an idiot.
Jim – I thought that they had started getting along better over the last couple of months.
Liz – They were. Then as usual it all fell apart. In short dad took his secretary on the trip instead of taking mother.
Art – So we invited her for thanksgiving. The woman is nearly family, I guess, in a weird contorted sort of way. The more the merrier.
Jim – Who else is going to be here?
Art – Well myself, Karen, Liz, Eugene, you and to round it all out, Johnny. Speaking of which where is Johnny? He hasn’t bothered to get in the way for the last hour or so.
Jim – How long did it take you to notice that dad? He’s almost always in the way when it comes to Thanksgiving dinner.
Karen – He said he had some things to do before dinner.
Art – Did he say when he would be back?
Karen – Just later.
Jim – He’ll be here, its his favorite holiday.
Karen – I didn’t know that Johnny was so sentimental.
Art – He isn’t, he just likes the food. The boy would crash a wake if the food were good.
Jim – He actually wanted to do that once.
Art – He didn’t do it did he?
Jim – Nah, Liz and I talked him out of it.
Art – I didn’t think reasoning with the boy would work.
Jim – It didn’t.
Karen – What did you say then?
Jim – That crashing a wake for the food was something that Gene would do.
Liz – He didn’t take it that well. He moped for like two weeks after that.
(Cleo enters carrying the main course)
Liz – Hello mother.
Cleo – The turkey has finished cooking. Shall we eat?
(Eugene and Johnny enter)
Johnny – Did I hear the magic words?
Eugene – Mmmmm, dinner.
Jim – Told you he wouldn’t be gone long.
Liz – Where have you two been?
Johnny – I was taking care of something. Nothing important, just something I needed to see.
Eugene – I accidentally locked myself in the bathroom. Again.
Jim – How do you do that?
Eugene – If I knew how I wouldn’t keep doing it.
Art – Who let you out this time.
&nb
sp; Eugene – Johnny did when he got back a couple minutes ago. He’s my current hero.
Liz – I wonder how long that will last.
Karen – From what I’ve seen, only until Art starts carving the turkey. Then whoever hands him his plate will take that place.
Jim – I don’t think it will even last that long.
Karen – Dinner is only a few minutes away.
Jim – I know. I know. But it is Eugene.
Karen – His attention span can’t be that short.
Liz – It’s gotten better over the last few months.
(Cleo approaches Eugene)
Cleo – My my Eugene you are looking quite handsome today.
Eugene – Why um thank you uh Mrs. Straun. (He gets a frown from Cleo) Errr Cleo.
Cleo – My pleasure Eugene. (Moves to the table)
Jim – What was that?
Liz – What was what?
Jim – Cleo just made a pass at Eugene.
Liz – What?
Jim – She just told him that he was handsome today.
Liz – Are you sure?
Jim – Yep, just look at Gene, he’s completely red.
Liz – He is.
Jim – I wonder what that was all about.
Liz – I don’t know. It’s too early in the day for her to have been drinking.
(To Eugene)
Liz – How long has that been going on?
Eugene – What?
Liz – My mother hitting on you.
Eugene – She hasn’t been hitting on me.
Liz – Then what do you call it?
Eugene – Uh, noticing my natural good looks and complementing me in a positive manner about them.
Liz – (Frowning) How long has it been going on?
Eugene – I dunno…
Jim – Better him than me.
Liz – Jim! Gene? How long?
Eugene – A month or so maybe.
Liz – Just after her fight with father.
Jim – She fled into Gene’s awaiting arms? Must have been one terrible fight.
Eugene – Hey!
Liz – What is with that woman and trying to seduce my friends?
Jim – Better Gene than me!
Liz – Jim!
Eugene – What’s that supposed to mean?
Jim – What? It was creepy getting hit on by your mother. It felt kind of like that movie the Graduate, except that it only wierded me out and I didn’t get to see her in the nude.
Eugene – Shes still in remarkably good shape for…
Liz and Jim – You?
Eugene – No, well not really, well sorta but not really.
Liz – You, you, with my mother?
Eugene – What? No.
Jim – You didn’t?
Eugene – No!
Liz – Then what are you talking about?
Eugene – Well I was over at your house.
Liz – I gathered that…
Eugene – And I was wandering around looking for a bathroom. I found one.
Jim – You walked in on her?
Eugene – How was I supposed to know that she showered in the nude?
Jim – That has got to be the dumbest thing I ever heard you say.
Liz – When did this all happen.
Eugene – About a year ago.
Liz – And why…
Art – Dinner is served!
Eugene – Ohhhhh Turkey time. (Rushes to his seat, Followed by everyone else)
Art - Careful boy, you’ll choke again.
Eugene – I will, don’t worry.
(The family sits at the table and starts to pass around the various dishes)
Cleo - So Geney, how is school going?
Eugene – (Looks up from his plate) Um fine Mrs. Straun…Cleo.
Art – Are your grades staying up?
Eugene – Yer ey arrrr!
Art – What?
Liz – Gene, swallow before you speak!
Cleo – That is vulgar darling.
Eugene – Sorry. (Back to eating)
Art – Not a problem, now how are your grades.
Eugene – Deh arrrr fie.
Cleo – Eugene, weren’t you listening? Don’t speak while you are eating.
Eugene – Murgle Furgle.
Jim – Enough, let him eat or this will go on all night.
Karen – Good idea Jim.
Liz – Especially since I’m on the receiving end of the spray.
Johnny – May I be excused for a while?
Art – You feeling okay?
Johnny – I’m fine, I just have some things to take care of, and I’m not too hungry.
Art – Go ahead, but don’t take too long, we have traditions to uphold.
Jim – Dad, that’s not going to induce him to return quickly.
Karen – Do you want us to leave some dinner out for you for later?
Johnny – No, I’ll take care of it. Thanks.
Art – Sure it will.
Karen – Take care of yourself.
Eugene – Buh! Buh!
Liz – Gah! Cut that out Gene! I don’t feel like wearing turkey today.
Jim – Orange is your color though.
Art – Are you inferring that Johnny doesn’t care our noble tradition of scrabble after dinner?
Jim – Do you remember what words he made the last time we played scrabble? Bored. . Help. Escape. Suicide
Art – Ok, so we allow Johnny to opt out of this game.
Jim – Good idea I guess.
Art – What’s amiss now?
Jim – Look around, we either have too few teams or too many. I’m not playing scrabble against you alone again. Last time we did you spiked the little wooden-dealy that holds the letters when you won.
Art – Well I did go out by using all my letters on a triple word score space and I Just got excited. Anyways, how about we play a team game, Karen and myself, against you and Elizabeth and then Eugene and Cleo?
Eugene – Ummm….
Cleo – Those teams sound wonderful.
Liz – It sounds like fun.
Jim – I guess that means that I’m playing. But if you start getting bad we’re putting the board away. You in Karen?
Karen – Sure. I haven’t played Scrabble in years, hope I remember the rules.
Jim – Well dad is a rules lawyer so he’ll let you know if you step wrong.
Art – Ok, lets get dinner cleared away so the crushing of your egos can begin.
(They clear the table and get set up to play)
Liz – Is he always like this?
Jim – Cut the trash talk Art.
Karen – Yes, this is supposed to be a friendly family game.
Art – It’s not trash talk, it’s a statement of intent and a prediction of the future.
Jim – It’s only going to get worse.
Eugene – I’m glad this only happens once a year.
Art – Still aching from last years defeat are you?
Liz – He’s like our very own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Jim – Just wait until the game begins. He’s more like Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk.
Karen – I’m sure he’ll be well behaved, won’t you sweetie?
Art – I’m always on the strait and narrow.
Cleo – If we’re going to play, let’s play.
Eugene – Let’s get going.
Art – You all know the rules right? Good! Prepare to be crushed!
Jim – And so it begins. We’ll pick letters first.
Art – As you wish, it will not help you to prevail.
Jim – Will you do the honors Liz?
Liz – Sure, how many do we get.
Eugene – Seven.
Liz – Ok. (She draws her letters) Done.
Jim – Lemme see. Sweet mother of crap! How did you manage that?
Liz – I don’t know. I think the bag was rigged.
Karen – What’s wrong?
Jim – We got the z, the q and the x all at once.
Art – Lucky, you got all the good letters.
Eugene – I don’t think I know any words that have a z in them.
Cleo – Of course you do handsome. Now be quiet and let me choose the letters. Ah, not bad.
Eugene – Woah we can spell…
Cleo – Don’t say it, that word is in poor taste.
Eugene – Fun?
Cleo – Oh no, very good dear.
Art – Will you do the honors my beauty?
Karen – Don’t you want to pick the letters yourself?
Art – No dear, a pattern has been set in place and it would be rude to change it now.
Karen – Looks like it’s my turn then. Ohh these are pretty good.
Art – That they are. Jim what is that word?
Jim – What word?
Eugene – Dr….dra…d-r-a-q-x-z-e?
Art – Yes that.
Liz – It’s a sort of creature that lives under little kids beds.
Cleo – Elizabeth!
Liz –Yes mother?
Cleo – Your father and I taught you never to cheat at anything…Don’t look at me like that!
Jim – Alright we’ll take it back. I thought it was a good word.
Art – You just don’t have the spirit of a scrabblist.
(the phone rings offstage)
Art – I’ll get it.
Liz – It was a good word.
Cleo - Invented words are not allowed in Scrabble, you know that.
Liz – Why not, words have to be invented at some point.
Eugene – She has a point.
Karen – It doesn’t work like that though. Good try anyways.
Jim – Well let’s use this word instead.
Eugene – Raze?
Liz – It means to burn something down I think.
Karen – Like to Vikings razing a village. Good job.
(Art Returns)
Art – Eugene…
Jim – Who was on the phone.
Art – It was the fire department…
Liz – What do they want on Thanksgiving? Is it a fundraiser?
Art – Eugene, your house is on fire.
Eugene – It doesn’t seem to be on fire to me.
Cleo – Oh dear.
Art - No, your father’s house. He’s trapped inside.
Eugene – Good. Whose turn is it?
Karen – Gene!
Eugene - What?
Karen – What do you mean good? Your father is trapped in a burning building.
Eugene – Good riddance. When they put his stinking corpse into the ground I will dance on the grave and sing a happy little song.
Art – (Takes Karen aside) He’s not going to be hurt by this dear.
Karen – But his father could be dieing in a fire.
Art – Yep.
Karen – Why? Why doesn’t he care?
Art – I’ll fill you in later. Now isn’t the time to talk about it.
Eugene – Where’s Johnny? I thought he’d like to be here when we finally got some good news.
Liz – I haven’t seen him since he excused himself at dinner earlier.
Cleo – Well should we go look for him?
Jim – Why bother?
Cleo – Because he’s your brother and you care for him?
Jim – He’ll turn up eventually.
Karen – What kind of attitude is that?
Jim – The best kind to adopt when you’re dealing with Johnny.
Cleo – What do you mean by that?
Jim – I mean that he’ll be back when he’s ready to come back.
Art – Perhaps instead we should go and see if we can get some more information about the fire, it should have made the news by now.
Eugene – It’s not like anything else goes on here for the stations to report.
Cleo – I’ll bet that those sorrow peddlers are overjoyed for a fire on Thanksgiving.
Finale
Jim is sitting alone in the basement reading his comic. Art, Liz and Eugene enter in a rather downcast and upset manner.
Jim - Find him yet?
Eugene – Yeah.
Liz – Oh Johnny.
Jim – Well where was he at?
Art – He was in Eugene’s father’s house.
Jim – What was he doing there?
Eugene – I suspect burning.
Jim – What?
Art – Johnny set the fire.
Jim – I’m not following.
Liz – Johnny set the fire at Eugene’s father’s house.
Jim – I heard the first time. Where is he now?
Eugene – He’s dead Jim.
Art – So is Eugene’s father.
Liz – They both died in the fire.
Jim – Why?
Art – He left a note.
Jim – What does it say?
Eugene – We don’t know.
Liz – Nobody can read his writing.
Jim – Can I see it?
Art – Sure, here (hands Jim the letter).
Jim – (Looks at the letter) I can’t make heads or tails of this.
Liz – I think that you’re holding it upside down.
Jim – That looks like the letter ‘t’. I still can’t make sense of it.
Eugene – Nobody else could either.
Art – He was doing so well.
Jim – Wait a minute that’s an ‘f’.
Liz – He was doing a lot better.
Eugene – He had actually been smiling the last couple months.
Jim – Hmmmmm…
Art – That damn kid. Why did he do it?
Jim – Didn’t say. Guess why doesn’t matter now. All that is left is that he did do it.
Liz – Are you ok Jim?
Jim – I’ve been better. Been worse too though. It’s like I lost something that I barely had in the first place. I don’t know how I feel yet.
Liz – I think I’m going to go back upstairs and talk to Karen.
Eugene – I’m going to go for a walk. Need to clear my head.
Art –I’ll talk to you two later of you want to.
Liz – Thanks Art.
(Eugene and Liz head back upstairs)
Art – Why do you think he did it Jim?
Jim – You know why as well as I do.
Art – Indeed. Indeed. Are you going to be ok?
Jim – Are you?
Art – Time heals all wounds. I just wish it didn’t take so long to do it.
Jim – (Nods agreement)
Art – I’m going to go back up and spend some time with Karen and Elizabeth.
Jim – I’ll be here.
Art Exits and after a couple minutes Jim goes back to reading his comic