“Leigh?” Brian spoke quietly.
“How did you find me?” I looked over my shoulder at him. “I thought you were going to call.”
“I left my phone in the car. You're on your bench, anyway.” Brian shrugged.
Right.
“Ready?”
“I'm freezing.” I rubbed my hands up and down my arms as I stood up.
“Here.” He took off his light coat and gave it to me. The warmth wrapped around me, and I breathed in the smell of him. My body started to relax. He put his arm around my shoulder like my brother did to make me feel better, and I leaned into him. There were so many kinds of warmth that came from Brian.
“So, he didn't just leave you here, did he?” Brian unlocked the doors of his car. How had we gotten there so fast? Maybe it hadn't been fast. Maybe I wasn't noticing as much as I should.
“No.” I shook my head as I climbed in. The relief of being somewhere safe brought a whole new round of tears. “I don't know what happened. I knew he was going to ask, and I couldn't wait for it, and then when he did ask, I knew it was the wrong thing.” I used my palms to wipe my face a few times.
“How did he take it?”
I shook my head.
“How are you?” He studied my face, and his eyes found mine. I couldn't lie to Brian. He knew me too well.
“Not great.” I scooted down in the seat and slid off my heels. “Is it weird that I really, really liked him, thought I might be in love, and then had to say no?”
“No, I don't think that's weird at all.” He put the car into gear and pulled out.
“And even though it's the right thing and I know I did the right thing, it hurts like it wasn't right at all.” That marked the end of my self-control. I could feel my tears flowing freely down my cheeks again as my body shook, and I felt bad that Brian was stuck in the car with me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs to keep them there. “I'm sorry.” I took in another breath of air. I lay my head against the window of his car.
“It's okay.” He reached over and rubbed my shoulder.
I stared out the window but didn't actually see anything. “You know…” I didn't move, just talked. “I sort of felt like Noah was a step above me, but he isn't—not in the way that counts.” I wondered if Brian understood what I was trying to say.
“Noah isn't a step above you in any way, Leigh. You're miles ahead of him—and the rest of us, for that matter.”
It was a nice thing to say, but I didn't feel that way. I'd neglected everyone just to spend more time with someone I shouldn't have been spending any time with. If I'd been better about listening to them, it wouldn't have gone on for nearly as long as it had.
I didn't have anything left to say. Not right then. I stared out the window at the blur of lights, thankful beyond words that Brian had been able to come get me.
We pulled up to the house behind Jaron and Megan. Megan jumped out of the car with a huge smile on her face.
“We're getting married!” She yelled toward me, holding her hand out so I could see. Brian and I still sat in his car. Jaron stepped out of his side and waved at us through the glass.
“I didn't know that was coming.” I felt hurt. I figured my brother would have told me.
“You've been a little preoccupied lately.” Brian looked over at me.
“You don't think I'm horrible, do you?” I reached out and took Brian by the arm as he reached for his door handle. He looked down at my hand and then up at me. I didn't know why I felt like I needed his approval, but I did. Megan tapped my window with her ring, wanting me to come out.
“No, I don't think you're horrible. I think you're very brave.” Brian reached out as if to touch my face, but his hand stopped, and he turned and stood up. He and Jaron hugged one another.
I took a deep breath, got out of the car, and threw my arms around Megan. It was hard to be excited for her when I wanted to bury myself in my room, but I didn't want her to think I was anything but thrilled about their engagement.
“I'm so happy for you two.” I held her in my arms for a long hug.
“Thanks, Leigh.” She stood back. “I was worried about what you'd think.”
I shook my head. Jaron and Megan were perfect together. I knew he'd be happy with her and that really was the most important thing.
“Wanna come sit for a bit?” Jaron reached out and took her hand to lead her away with him. They walked up to the back porch together as closely as possible. Jaron looked down at Megan's beaming face like he sat in the best place in the world. It made my chest feel hard and heavy.
“Let me walk you home, Leigh.” Brian didn't wait for my response. He put his arm around me and led me to my door.
“Can I ask you something?” I stopped and looked at him. I glanced at Jaron sitting on the porch next door with Megan half on his lap. They were in their own little world. They certainly didn't need their evening interrupted by the problems Leigh stuck herself in.
“Sure.”
I looked back to Brian. “Do you promise to answer honestly?” I folded my arms, still in the warmth of his jacket.
“I promise to try.” A corner of his mouth pulled up.
I sighed. “I knew it would be a sacrifice for someone to want to be with me because I can't have kids, but…”
“Leigh, that's craziness. Whoever you choose to be with will feel like the luckiest man in the world, not a guy who had to give up something to be with you.”
I rolled my eyes. “You're just as bad as my brother. I knew I wouldn't get an honest answer from you.” I grabbed my doorknob.
“You don't think I'm being honest just because I didn't give you the answer you expect?”
I shrugged. “You did give me the answer I expected… from you.”
“I gave you the honest answer.” He looked at me, resting a hand gently on each shoulder. “A long time ago, you told me that all the things we've done or all the things that have happened to us make us the people we are now. You change a part of that, you might change all of it.” I'd said that to him Nathan's first night there. “Have you prayed about it?”
I laughed. “Now you're sounding like me, and of course I have. ‘Ways will be provided’—this is the answer I get over and over again.” I sighed and leaned against the doorframe. Brian's hands slid away.
“Hard to have faith in that?” he asked.
“Sometimes,” I answered quietly.
“You need sleep, Leigh, I can tell. Call if you need anything, okay? Actually, I'm headed to work. But still, don't be afraid to call me or your brother.”
I nodded. “Brian, I don't know how to thank you. Not just for tonight, but for trying to watch out for me the way you do.” I didn't know what else to say.
He stepped toward me and put his large arms around me. I relaxed into him. Brian was nice that way. I slid out of his jacket as he let me go and handed it back to him.
“Night, Leigh.” He pulled away and walked to his car. He still had a long night ahead of him.
I tried to cry myself to sleep. But I didn't sleep. I cried. Even though I knew it was the right thing, it still stung. I'd let myself get attached to someone without being prayerful about it. It had just happened, but I knew I wouldn't do it again. Another lesson learned. First, don't be too nice to boys. Second, don't date boys unless you've spent some time on your knees. How many more lessons would I have to learn? That was it for me. No boys.
I gave up on sleep and wandered outside in the dark. I headed to my hammock, but I heard Brian's car in the driveway, so I stopped and turned around.
“Uh-oh,” he said as he climbed out of his car.
“Can't sleep.” I shrugged.
“Did you sleep last night?”
I thought back. I hadn't. I'd been working on my beautiful, soft grey dress that I never wanted to see again. I shook my head.
“Leigh… I really, really don't want to have to take you to the hospital.” He laughed.
“Yea
h, I don't want to go.” I smiled back at him.
“Dizzy?”
“More by the minute. I didn't realize how tired I was.” It had been months since I'd felt that way.
“Have you eaten anything?”
I felt stupid. “We didn't get as far as dinner.”
Brian thought for a moment. “Come on over. I usually make myself a snack before I go to sleep. It's hard to go from happy bartender to sleepy.” I was so relieved that he was making this middle of the night conversation and meal feel like a normal thing.
“Okay.”
Brian put his arm gently around my shoulder to lead me to his apartment. I felt grateful for him again and the way he looked out for me—without judgment and without condescension.
Jaron stumbled out of his room when we came in.
“Leigh?” He squinted in the kitchen lights.
“Hey Jaron. Congrats.” I gave him a hug. “I didn't take the time to do it properly before.”
“Are you trying to distract me from the fact that it's Brian's bedtime and you're still awake?” he asked.
“No. I can't sleep.” I stepped away and crossed my arms tightly against myself.
“You have something for that.” He looked at me knowingly.
“You know, Leigh, I was thinking…” Brian said as he started scrambling eggs.
“Yeah?”
“Don't be offended.” He stopped to look at me. “Maybe your sleeping has more to do with anxiety than recovery? You might be able to do something less severe than your sleeping pills, do it more regular, and not have this problem anymore.”
I hadn't thought of that. I'd always thought of anxiety as being one of those things that was in your head. It didn't seem like any kind of a solution.
“Hear me out.” He started dishing up two plates of scrambled eggs. “You have problems sleeping when you're overly stressed out. Then you're stressed, tired, and hungry because you forget to eat, right?”
“Yeah.”
“It sounds like anxiety.”
I must have looked skeptical.
“After spending two years in a war zone, it took me a while to settle down. I still struggle with it from time to time, as you know. Anyway, it might be a really simple fix.” He sat down and pushed my plate in front of me. “The meds didn't make me feel weird or anything. They just helped me keep relaxed so I could sleep and function well. I don't take them anymore.”
“Yeah, okay.” I shrugged. “I'll make a call to Dr. Watts. Make him feel like he's earning his money.”
“Brian told me about your night,” Jaron said suddenly.
“I hope that was okay. I was just…” Brian started.
“No, no, it's fine. Better you telling him than me having to relive it.” I pointed my fork at Jaron. “There will be no more boys for Leigh Tressman.”
“Oh, come on.” Jaron sounded incredulous.
“Not for a while.” I shook my head and took another bite. Brian made excellent scrambled eggs.
“I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Leigh. I should have talked with you more,” Jaron said.
“Don't feel bad, Jaron, I wouldn't have listened.” I took another bite.
He laughed at me then.
“I'm happy for you and Megan. You two are perfect for each other.”
“Well, I think so too.” He smiled back. “Okay, well, I'm in the middle of my sleeping time. I need to get back to bed.” Jaron stood up. “How are you feeling?”
“A little better now that I've eaten.”
“Let me walk you home.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”
“Thanks for the… breakfast?” I looked over my shoulder at Brian.
“No problem.” He looked at me like there was more to say or that he wasn't ready to go to bed. Maybe something was unfinished.
Jaron walked me home, and I took half of a pill. I wondered what time I'd wake up the next day. I could feel my body thicken and get heavy. I relaxed into it.
thirty
When I opened my eyes, Brian sat on the floor in my room.
“Your brother got bored. He and Megan took Nathan to the park.” He looked up from his notebook.
“You guys really need to understand that I'm just sleeping. I don't need to be watched. Besides, it's kind of unnerving waking up with someone in your room.” I slowly sat up and rested my heavy body on my arms. I looked at Brian for a moment. Why was he in here instead of in the living room? Had Jaron been in here all night? “I don't snore or talk or anything, do I?”
“No,” he smiled. “I try not to watch you. It's too private. Your brother just wanted to make sure someone was here when you woke up.”
“Hm.” I felt thick and slow, just like I always did when waking up after a sleeping pill.
“How are you?”
“I don't know. What time is it?” I rubbed my hands over my face a few times.
“Around noon.”
“I guess it could be worse.” I ran my hands through my hair. I'd fallen asleep with curls in it, and it felt crazy. I pulled it to one side and tried to twist it together. “How bad is it?” I let it all go and ran my hands through it again.
“It's a mess, but in a good way.”
“Whatever.” There was no good way to be a mess.
“Your mail came. Megan brought it in.” He handed me two envelopes. One from my parents and the other from Joseph. It felt something like a shot of excitement straight to my chest.
“This is from my brother.” I held up the envelope.
“Jaron?” Brian asked, confused.
I shook my head.
“Joseph?”
I nodded and tore open the letter.
“I'll leave you.” Brian started to stand.
“No, stay.” I waved my hand so he'd sit back down. I pulled it out and started to read. The letter was a big deal. I'd never gotten more than a signed card. I read it out loud.
Dear Leigh,
I've gotten all your letters. I just wanted you to know that. I didn't read most of them until last week. My wife had twins. Yeah, I'm mar- ried. Her name is Lori. We've been together for a while, and she's amazing. Anyway, I sat there the other day looking at those two babies, and I hoped that they'd always have one another, you know? So, I was just thinking about you and Jaron. I just want you to know that my disagreement was with Mom and Dad, not you guys. I was eighteen and thought I knew everything about everything. Sometimes when you start down a certain path, it's hard to go back.
So, I sat down a few days ago and read your letters—all of them. They used to be scattered around, but Lori put them all in a box. Whenever we'd get another one from you, she'd just put it in the box with the rest. I'm embarrassed now that I didn't read them as soon as I got them. I was shocked when I got your letter that said you had cancer. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I checked the dates on the most recent ones and was relieved to see that you'd sent one not long ago.
Lori and I have been together for about five years. We got married last year, and our twins are a boy and a girl, Jack and Layla. We live in downtown Portland. I'm an architect at a small firm here that I really love.
It may be silly of me—or stubborn, I'm not sure which, but I'm not ready to talk to anyone else yet. You're welcome to pass along any news from my end that you like—or not, if you'd rather not. It doesn't matter to me either way.
I'm sorry that I haven't been a part of your life.
Joe
“He's married.” I looked up at Brian with a smile on my face.
“And you're an aunt.”
I laughed. “I can't wait to tell Jaron.”
“I'm glad for you two. I know your brother misses him.” Brian looked as excited as I felt, a large grin on his face.
“I have too, but not as much. I didn't know him as well when he left.” I paused for a minute. What a crazy couple of days for me. All the excitement and then disappointment from Noah and then the first real letter from Joseph I'd ever gotten. “Is it
weird that after taking what feels like huge steps backward, I'm finally at a good starting point again?”
“Not at all.” He shook his head. “You're amazing, Leigh.”
I laughed again, still feeling the excitement of Joseph's letter. “Far from it. I feel like a mess in a million different ways. One can be taken care of with a shower, and the rest of it… I don't know.”
“You did the right thing.” Brian sat back against the wall.
“But it still hurts.” I looked down at my feet on the bed. My decision to say “no” to Noah was made even worse knowing I could have spared both of us if I'd been more careful—prayerful.
“I'm sorry,” he whispered. He stood up then. “Let me know if you need anything. I'll get out of here so you can enjoy your shower.”
“Thanks, Brian. You're a good friend.” I couldn't believe how much watching over me he'd done, and he'd never made me feel bad about it.
“See ya.” One corner of his mouth pulled up, but he looked sad.
I wanted to know what Brian was thinking, but he stepped out of my room and outside before I had a chance to formulate a question. I picked up the letter and read it again, bringing back the excitement I'd felt a few moments ago.
“Ready for dinner?” Jaron asked as he poked his head in the door. “I have a chocolate shake for you.”
“Yep.” I stood up from the couch. “Come on in.”
I must have had an odd smile on my face. His eyes narrowed at me in suspicion. “What's going on?” I hadn't told him about Joseph's letter yet.
“You're getting married.” I smiled.
“I know that part.” He sat at the table and pulled out two burgers and two large cartons of fries from a bag.
“Just wanted to spend some time with you, that's all.” I shrugged. “You must be getting excited.” I grabbed a handful of Jaron's fries before sitting down across from him.
He nodded. “I am so… there just aren't words. Megan is amazing, I love her so much.”
“I'm glad for you,” I paused. Jaron peered in bag number two. I wondered what could possibly be left. “I got a letter from Joseph.”
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