I kicked off my shoes and sat on the bed, too weak to do anything else.
“Leigh? What's going on?” He kneeled on the floor in front of me and took my hands in his. “You're scaring me.” His voice sounded soft, comforting.
“I'm sorry. I just feel like…” I thought about it—considered telling him my biggest worry about being with him. “I feel like I'm not good enough for you and that there's nothing I can do to change that.” I'd gotten it out. Would it make a difference?
“Leigh… that's crazy.” He reached a hand up and touched my cheek. “I know there's a special girl in there somewhere…”
Yeah, I just needed to find her before Noah decided I wasn't worth the trouble. No kids, broken up family, cancer, his mother doesn't like me… How long was the list?
“Are we okay?” He kissed my hands. “Please tell me we're okay.”
“We're okay.” But I didn't know if we were okay at all. How much thinking would he have to do before he realized he didn't want me?
“Miss Tressman.” Dr. Watts walked into his office where I waited. “How are we?”
“Pretty good,” I held his gaze. “I'm sleeping and haven't had any issues since before Christmas.” It felt good to be able to say that to him.
“Great. Maybe pretty soon you won't have to drive all the way up here to see me.” He smiled and sat down in the chair in front of his computer. He scanned the screen a few times, checking my vitals that the nurse had taken. He spun around and looked at me.
“I'd like to see you gain some more weight, Leigh.”
“I feel okay.” I didn't want to be working on gaining, I was trying hard to maintain.
“You're way at the bottom of where you should be for your height, and you've really only gained a few pounds since the beginning of the school year.” His smile disappeared, waiting for my response.
I grabbed my stomach. “Well, my jeans don't fit anymore. That has to be worth something.” If I felt okay, I didn't know why he worried about my weight.
“Leigh, you wanted to be up here with some feeling of independence, right?”
I stared at him. We both knew the answer.
“Part of that is being in control of your health and understanding that your body needs certain things to be strong the way you want it to be.” He crossed his legs and sat back in his chair.
“Well, I still feel fine,” I mumbled. My few breaks between school and Noah were used to rest or catch up on homework. When Noah and I went out, I couldn't eat more than he did. What would he think? What would he think if I gained weight and lost my skinny, petite frame? I tried to decide if I cared what Dr. Watts had to say about my weight or not.
“Please, Leigh. Do this with healthy foods, but I'd still like to see another ten pounds on you. It's great that you're feeling so good, but you still need to make your health a priority.”
“Understood.” I looked at him, and he stared at me for a few moments before turning away.
“Okay.” He stood up. “We'll see you in three months then.” He reached out, and we shook hands.
I slid off the table after he left, picked up my purse, and headed out the door. I was not ready to gain ten pounds. The “college ten.” I was already up one size from the beginning of the year, and I liked being one of the skinny girls. Noah liked me as one of the skinny girls.
“Leigh! I got the movie!” Noah's voice sang out through my phone.
“What?” I asked as I sat up in bed. I'd just finished a nap, or been woken up from one, anyway.
“Yeah, I got the movie! The part isn't huge, but it isn't small either! I'll be home tomorrow. I thought maybe we could go out and celebrate. They start shooting just after this semester finishes up.”
“That's great, Noah. I can't wait to see you.” I wiped the sleep from my eyes with my fingertips.
“So, tomorrow night, wear something nice, I thought maybe we'd go downtown together and celebrate.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “That, and there's something else I'd like to talk to you about—to ask you…”
“Okay,” I said slowly. Why wouldn't he just ask? What would be so important that we needed a night out for it?
“I love you, Leigh.” His voice softened.
“Love you too.” I hung up the phone and wanted to scream in nervous anticipation. Did Noah want me the way I thought he did?
I didn't even step out of my room. I had to sew something. I wanted something new to wear out with Noah. Our night together would be big. I opened my bin of uncompleted projects. I knew I wanted a dress. I fingered some light grey fabric; the soft sheen made it look rich and feel silky. There was enough stiffness to help the skirt of the dress be as full as I wanted it to be. I could see it in my head, something that looked out of 1955, fitted bodice, full skirt…
I sat down at my sewing table and immediately got to work. It took a few creative tries to rework the bodice the way I wanted it. The neckline and back came down in a soft scoop, and the seams up the front and back allowed me to tailor it to my small waist. I let myself slump down in my chair, exhausted. Having the bodice done seemed like a good stopping point.
The kitchen was dark when I wandered in. Noah was taking me out to celebrate and talk to me about something important. Was I ready to make the kind of commitment Noah might ask for? I could feel myself tense in excitement. Would I be one of those people? The kind of people who ride around in private jets with a boyfriend—or a husband? My nerves hit me again.
I grabbed a bowl of cereal for dinner and headed to my room. I picked up the pieces of my sewing project and started back to work. Finishing my dress was a welcome distraction from both my thoughts and my nerves.
I pulled out the last of the rollers when Megan popped her head into the bathroom. “Big night out?” she asked.
“Yep.” I smiled.
“Can I join you in here?” She sidled over to her sparse drawer of makeup.
“Of course. You and Jaron going out?” I asked, though the answer should have been obvious.
“We're taking advantage of the weather and taking a picnic up the canyon.” She carefully held the side of her eye to put on mascara.
“Do you really need to do your hair and makeup for a hike?” I teased.
“Just want to look nice.”
It made me happy they got along so well. It would be really awkward to be roommates with my brother's ex-girlfriend.
I walked into my room to slide on my dress and couldn't help admiring myself in the mirror for a minute. My waist looked so tiny, and the fullness of the skirt flowed around my knees. I felt right out of 1955, just like I'd wanted.
I picked up my small purse, slid in my cell phone and lipstick, and stepped out into the warmth of the backyard.
“You're beautiful!” I heard Nathan yell from his yard.
“Thank you, Nathan!” I smiled and waved at him.
He sat digging in the dirt with his small shovel.
Brian waved from the porch, set down his book, and walked down the steps. “So, big night out tonight?” he asked.
“Yep.” I could barely contain my grin. I glanced up the street a few times, hoping to see Noah's car. He'd been gone for over a week.
When I turned back to Brian, he was looking at me with an odd sort of anxious or puzzled expression on his face. I searched his face for a moment. “What?” I laughed a nervous little chuckle. “You look like you're about to burst. Just say it.”
Brian looked at me as if he was trying to decide something. “Make sure your head and your heart are both in the same place.” It came out so fast I barely understood the words.
We stared at one another for a moment. “What do you…”
“Leigh!” Noah's voice pulled me from Brian. How had I missed him drive up?
“Hey!” I smiled widely. I turned back to Brian. “I'm off. I'll see you later.”
Brian nodded in response. He looked sad, and I wanted to give him a hug, but it didn't seem appropriate with Noah so close
. I turned and waved as I walked away.
Noah half ran to me and grabbed me up in a big hug. “You look stunning, beautiful…” He set me down and continued smiling. He wore a fabulous custom-tailored suit. He looked amazing. He put his arm around my waist and held me close. Part of me felt like he held me like that on purpose because Brian stood so close.
“Brian.” He nodded at him and shook his hand. Brian did the same, all politeness. I hated their coolness toward each other.
“Ready?” he asked, his nose almost on my cheek.
“Very.” I answered. I waved at Brian and Nathan as we walked away together.
I couldn't even stand still to wait for Noah to open my door. I kept wiggling my legs back and forth.
“Patience,” he whispered, letting his lips touch my ear. It sent shivers down my spine.
“Where are you taking me?” I asked as I carefully climbed in.
“It's a surprise.” I watched Noah cross in front of the car to get his door. His suit fit him to perfection, every hair on his head was placed just right, and I wondered how long it had taken him to get ready.
He took my hand and put his car in gear. I looked back in the yard to see Nathan and Brian both digging in the dirt and laughing. Brian waved once as we pulled out. Something was going on with him. I wondered if he was having issues with his ex-wife again or maybe school. I'd have to remember to ask.
twenty-nine
Our table overlooked Temple Square. My nervous energy prevented me from sitting still or relaxing to enjoy the atmosphere. It felt good, full of possibility. Noah took my hand in his across the table. We both knew what was coming, and it felt like our first date. The air between us felt just as charged.
I could see it all laid out in front of me: the beautiful man, the beautiful house. I could see his face in magazines and movie posters. It could be my life too. I knew he was going to ask me. It was in every movement from him. Every gesture brought him closer to me, and every look penetrated my eyes. I felt like I would never get tired of smiling.
“I'm glad you came.” He squeezed my hand.
“Me too.”
“Excuse me.” Our waiter stood, ready to take our order, pen in hand.
Noah turned to talk to the waiter about something, and I looked toward the temple grounds. Even at this awkward time of year, when the branches were bare and the flowers weren't out yet, it looked beautiful. I thought of how many times I'd prayerfully walked the grounds and sat at my special bench. How many answers and reassurances I'd had there. Noah watched me as my eyes turned back toward him. We sat alone again.
The happiness that filled my chest started to seep away. Something suddenly felt wrong. I didn't want anything to feel wrong. My life had taken a beautiful, incredibly exciting turn. I didn't want to feel what I felt. The elation I'd floated in all day from the knowledge that Noah wanted me was leaving a trail of uncertainty. I looked back and forth a few times between Noah and the Salt Lake Temple. It felt like I had to choose one or the other. That didn't make any sense. I didn't have to choose.
“You okay, Leigh?” Noah asked.
“Um… yeah, sorry.” I shook my head. “I just spaced out there for a sec.”
“So, there's something I've been wanting to ask you…” His face glowed with excitement. I knew in that moment I couldn't say yes. I wanted to say yes, I felt like I loved him, but I couldn't say yes. A wave of nausea ran through me. I didn't know what else he said. My pulse thudded too loud in my ears. My body started to feel numb. Like my lips wouldn't work and my body wouldn't move. What was I going to do? What was I going to do to him? I knew the voice in my heart, the small voice I'd heard a million times in my life, sometimes more strongly than others, and I knew I couldn't say yes.
I saw him pull out a ring, and my breath caught. It was absolutely exquisite, a large round diamond on a simple band. Perfect. I tried to find the strength to breathe.
“Noah… I can't… I'm so sorry,” I whispered. Why couldn't I have him? Why did I know it was wrong even though I didn't want it to be? Didn't I deserve some excitement? Some happiness? Noah had felt like something exciting, something I felt like I could never be a part of, and he wanted me. I had been so worried about him not wanting me that I hadn't stopped to know if I really wanted him—if he was right for me. I couldn't focus. My eyes went from his face to the ring and back to his eyes.
His face contorted into something I didn't recognize. Anger? Frustration? Pain? The look on his face turned further into pain as my refusal sunk in.
It felt like something a thousand times worse than a knife through the center of my chest. I'd done this to him, to both of us.
“What? Why? What's going on, Leigh?” He let go of my hand and leaned over the table.
“I just… it just… it's just not right.” I could barely breathe out the words. Everything felt fuzzy, hazy, like I wasn't living that moment. Only I was.
“I thought… you've told me that you love me.” His eyebrows pulled together, and I could hear his breathing.
“I do.” It felt like I was being pulled apart from the inside out. I did love him, but I couldn't say yes. I hadn't spent any time on my knees. I'd fallen for someone who I knew, in that moment, couldn't be right for me. I couldn't ignore the Spirit, not then, not with something so important.
“Why?” His volume went up.
“It just doesn't feel right.” I clasped my hands together in my lap and stared at them. My heart felt like it was being squeezed into parts. Teeny parts that I hoped I'd be able to put back together again. The thought that I did the same to him just made it even worse. I put my hands to my stomach as if it would somehow relax me or hold me together.
“It doesn't feel right?” He sounded angry, almost patronizing.
I just shook my head. I'd given up trying to look at him. I felt a tear slide down my cheek.
“Do you have any idea what you're turning down here, Leigh?” His voice sounded hard now. He leaned closer to me. “I'm about to start the career of a lifetime, and I wanted to take you with me.”
I nodded. I didn't want more of a fight than we already had. He stood up, a mask of anger on his face.
“Do you know what a big sacrifice it is for a man to marry someone he knows will never be able to have children?” He looked straight at me.
That one cut deep. I blinked back tears. He leaned in close, and I instinctively backed away.
“You know, one day you'll see my face somewhere, and you'll be sorry.” He walked swiftly out of the restaurant.
I sat, stunned, grateful for the public setting. Noah wouldn't want to look like someone who'd just been turned down. Even though I'd been sure before he asked, his last comment sealed my decision. How had I not seen that side of him? Then I realized I had, in small doses. Overreacting to Brian, being pouty when he didn't get his way, and not standing up for me the way he should have when we went out with his parents.
I struggled to pull in a breath deep enough for my chest to not feel like it was caving in. I'd done the right thing, but in that moment, it was only a small comfort. I sat in a daze for a minute, staring at nothing in particular, and walked out. I'm sure someone would figure out that no one would be eating at our table tonight.
While walking across the street to Temple Square, I realized that I lived an hour away and had no way to get home. My purse held my ID, my phone, and my lipstick. That was it. I pulled out my cell and called Jaron. Straight to voicemail. I tried my house. No one answered. I tried Jaron's house, and Brian answered.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Bri. It's Leigh.” I hoped I could get the words out. My throat felt thick again, and I really didn't want to cry on the phone while walking down the sidewalk. I didn't know if I'd be able to say the words out loud. “I really need my brother. Is he there?” I had no idea what my voice sounded like, but I knew it didn't sound anything close to normal.
“No, he's out with Megan, remember?”
I did remember. I trie
d to take a breath in so I could speak.
“Leigh? Are you okay?” He sounded concerned.
“No, I'm not okay.” I felt the first sob shake my body. “I need a ride, and I don't know who to call.”
“I can get you. I just put Nathan to bed. Stuart and Julie can listen for him.”
I wondered how much “I told you so” I might get on the way back home. Then I realized that wasn't Brian's style. “Are you sure?”
“Well, we can't have you stranded, can we?” He sounded so nice. “Where are you?”
I cringed. “Temple Square?”
“You're in Salt Lake,” he said evenly.
I nodded and then realized he couldn't see me nodding.
“You're going to owe me, Leigh.” Only it didn't sound like I'd actually owe him at all.
“I know.” I wiped the tears from my face as my nose started to run. “I'm so sorry, Brian.” I sniffed a few times; I didn't even have a tissue with me.
“No, no, it's fine. I'll call you when I get close, okay?”
“Okay.”
I knew I had at least an hour to kill. It still felt fairly warm outside, which was good since I'd brought nothing with me. I walked around the wall to the east gate of Temple Square. Every time I passed through those gates, the rest of the world didn't matter. Like stepping into the temple, except still in open air. The familiar buildings and fountains held a quiet peace. I tried to soak it up to keep myself from thinking too much or breaking down into sobs, which I really didn't want to do until I got home.
My bench came into view, so I sat and tried to understand why Noah had been wrong for me. I looked back at the time we'd spent together. Why hadn't I prayed? How had I gotten so far off track?
The night started to cool, and I wondered how much longer it would be before Brian arrived. Darkness started to creep in, and there were very few people walking around. I hadn't slept the night before because I was sewing a dress that would never hold good memories for me. I hugged myself, looking for warmth from somewhere.
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