“Leigh?” Jaron jogged to catch up to me.
“I just want out of here,” I said quietly, not slowing down.
“Come on, let me help you…” he reached out and touched my arm.
I pushed his arm away without looking over. “No.” I said it with more force than I meant to. “Let me be alone for a while. Can you manage that?” I needed away. I needed to be alone. I felt too stupid for feeling the way I did to want company. I'd been a part of it, of all of it. I'd known everything. Why did it have to hit me now?
“But…”
“I'll meet you at home.” My voice turned pleading, and I looked over at him. “Please, Jaron…”
He stopped and let me walk away.
I pushed the door open and took in a deep breath in a desperate attempt to get rid of the hospital air. It helped only a little. I stopped and used my hands to wipe the tears from my face. I kept walking. Darkness had spread over the parking lot in the few moments we were inside.
“Leigh?” Brian's voice in the stillness of the evening made me jump.
“I just want to be alone for a while, Brian.” My shoulders slumped as I stopped and turned to face him. His expression held only concern. He continued to walk toward me and started pulling me into a hug.
“I don't need…” I started to push him away. My tears were coming back. It would just be worse, having someone try to comfort me from something I should have understood.
“I do.” He whispered in my ear as he put both arms around me and held me tightly. He didn't move. After a moment or two, I finally relaxed. I buried my face into him and pulled him toward me as hard as I could. I dug my fingers into his shirt, clenching it with my fists and keeping him close.
“I knew, I already knew… “I cried into his chest.
“No. You couldn't have known, Leigh. Not really.” His hand ran softly over my hair again and again.
I stood there, Brian's arms around me tightly, my face pressed into him. He felt different holding me like that. Like he had in the backyard. Part of me never wanted to move. Part of me wanted to stay pressed against Brian until the pain in my chest subsided. The other part, the stronger part, wanted to be alone with my frustration. I felt stupid for feeling so hurt, for being so surprised over my feelings of loss. “Thanks. I'll see you at home.” I couldn't look at him. I turned, letting my arms slide off of him, and started walking. I hated walking out of his arms, but I needed it. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to feel alone.
I walked down the dimly lit sidewalk toward home. The noise of the cars gave me a welcome distraction.
I thought I'd been at peace with my inability to experience what Julie just had. Watching her growing belly and feeling the little girl kick inside of her had been more sweet than I thought possible. As I walked, I felt a loss. To make it worse, it seemed like I felt a loss that I shouldn't have been feeling.
I kept going, one foot in front of the other, the noise and the actions slowly numbing me from what I didn't want to feel.
When I reached my driveway, I saw a small group gathered on the back porch. I didn't look close enough to see who.
“I'm fine. I'm tired. I'm going to bed.” I said it just loud enough for them to hear. I waved once and stepped into my apartment. My legs were tired from the walk, but not weak. It felt good. I'd gotten stronger. I pulled a glass from the cabinet and filled it with cool water from the fridge. The only light in my apartment seeped in from the outdoor lights through the windows.
Someone knocked at my door. I debated whether or not to open it. I heard another soft knock. I sighed and pulled it open. The pain in my chest was too acute for more sympathy. I knew it would put me over the edge.
“I lied to you about something,” Brian said. I could barely make out his face in the dark. I stopped breathing.
I felt my forehead pull together in confusion.
“I watched you sleep.” He handed me over a simple black folder.
I stared at the folder in my hands.
“I hope you don't mind.”
“Um…” I didn't know how to respond. I almost stepped into him and buried my face against him again, but I didn't. I stood, frozen.
“Good night, Leigh.” He went up my small flight of stairs in two easy steps.
“Night.” I stood in my doorway and watched Brian start back to his house. I felt a pang of sadness as he walked away. I wondered if there was any way he felt the same. I stood there, almost willing him to walk back to me, but nothing changed.
I closed the door, walked to my room, and sat on the bed. What had Brian given me? He lied about something? I opened the folder. The tree, the one Brian drew, the one I'd admired in his room the night I put Nathan to bed. My chest lightened at the thought of that night. I touched the edges of his sketch. Light reflected on the leaves and trunk, casting patterns as intricate at the branches. It reminded me of the day I'd sat on the ground and asked Brian about his tattoos.
I picked the drawing up and set it on my desk. Underneath it, on the next sheet of paper, my face rested, soft and peaceful in sleep. My hair spread across my pillow except for a small strand across my face. The sketch showed pure peace. It held all of my favorite things about myself: my hair, my cheekbones, my lips. But mostly peace. Instead of feeling intruded upon, I felt flattered that he'd take the time. I set the picture on top of the tree.
The next sheet showed Nathan and I sleeping on the hammock, his small body pressed against mine, his head resting in the crook of my arm. That answered the question of how long I'd slept. I must've been out for a while. I was in awe of Brian's talent. The sketches were simple, but the emotion was plain. I set the three drawings on my sewing table so I could see them from my bed. I lay down and prayed for sleep. Everything else felt like too much of a mess, and I prayed only that my head would be empty. It worked.
thirty-four
I woke up to thumping on the floor above me. I rolled over, confused. The owner of our house had moved out. I sat up quickly. Brian was moving in. What an exciting day for him. His life seemed to be coming together in such a good way—Nathan, his house… I put my hair in a ponytail, threw on a T-shirt and jeans, and headed out to help.
I walked around to the front. I'd never been upstairs before. I almost ran into Brian on the porch. He stopped. I stopped. Like we were afraid to be too close to each other. Or maybe just me. My heart thumped in my chest.
“The drawings.” It came out before a conscious thought or something to follow it up hit me. I had to say something to him. The embarrassment from my overreaction yesterday was weighing on me.
“I'm sorry.” He looked down.
I reached out with my fingers and let my hand slide down his arm. “No. Don't be sorry. They were… amazing.” The emotions of peace and flattery from last night came back to me.
“Only a few more loads!” Stuart slapped Brian on the back.
I jumped in response. Where had he come from?
“Just a sec!” Brian watched Stuart run down his front steps. His face was unreadable, though I had no idea what I was looking for.
“Oh, good! Leigh!” Megan's voice interrupted my thoughts.
“Yeah?” I spun around.
“My sisters are on their way down—to be fitted?”
“Oh, crap.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I forgot. I need a few more minutes of sewing time.” I looked back down the hall, but Nathan had disappeared.
“Watch out!” Stuart called as he walked up the stairs with a large box.
I jumped out of the way. “I gotta run.” I started for the stairs.
“You're still sewing, and the wedding is…” Brian's mouth pulled up at the corners.
“Less than a week!” Megan danced a little at that acknowledgment.
“And you're doing fittings?” Brian stopped and stared at me. “Are you going to be able to sleep between now and then?” He tried to chuckle, but his forehead wrinkled with worry.
“Guess we'll find out,” I shrugged. I'd bee
n too busy with school to put the time into the wedding sewing that I should have. “I guess I'll see you soon, Bri.” I wanted to step toward him but couldn't make my legs do it. It was so confusing, feeling this tense sort of butterfly feeling with him.
“Thanks, I…” He leaned toward me like he was going to take a step but hesitated.
Jaron came up the porch steps, his arms wrapped around yet another box. “We're close now, Brian!” He let the box slide to the floor. I jumped when it hit. “Don't worry, just clothes.”
“Um…” I looked from Jaron back to Brian. “You can send Nathan down if it gets too chaotic in here.” Scattered boxes, random dinosaurs, trucks, and books of Nathan's littered the floor.
“Does that apply to me too?” Brian asked, hope all over his face.
“Fittings… with girls…” I shook my head as I stepped off the porch.
“Oh, right.” I heard him behind me.
I walked away, both a little sad and a little relieved that I wasn't able to talk to Brian more. I wanted my head in a sewing project. Brian was too much to think about—all the blurry lines and suddenly not knowing how I felt and definitely not knowing how he felt. I laughed a little as I opened my apartment door. Brian probably thought of me as a kid sister, just like Jaron. I was making too much out of his nice gestures.
“We're here!” Megan called from the doorway.
“Watch it!” Another girl's voice from the living room.
“Seriously! Give me some space!” Megan's sisters did not share Megan's steady disposition.
“I'm almost ready for you!” I yelled from my room. Lauren's dress was ready to be fitted. Andrea's was close—just the zipper left.
“Me first!” Andrea burst into my room. Megan's sisters also did not share her quiet, friendly demeanor.
“Sorry, your sister's first.” I shrugged. Megan was enthusiastic in a good way—fun and outgoing. Her sisters were loud to the point of me probably needing Advil.
“In your face!” Lauren pointed to her sister as she stepped into my room.
I let a long breath out. It would be an interesting afternoon. I heard more banging around upstairs and Nathan's feet running back and forth. I really wanted to be up there. Chasing Nathan and helping him set up his room seemed like more fun than being stuck in my apartment with Megan's sisters, even though I was sewing.
“Knock, knock.” Brian's voice called from outside my door.
“Everyone's decent!” I hollered, remembering my warning from earlier in the day.
Brian opened the door and took one step inside. I sat cross-legged on the floor of the living room, pinning the bottom of Andrea's dress as she tried to stand still. She kept jerking to one side or the other as Megan and Lauren spoke behind her. Brian's appearance had her body in a half twist as she stood to see him better.
“I'm headed to Bombay House. Have you eaten?” He looked at me.
“A bowl of cereal.” My shoulders relaxed, and I took the pin out of my mouth. “I will love whatever you bring, thank you.” I needed a chance to spend time with Brian again, just the two of us. I had to start sorting out what I felt.
“See you in a few.” He waved and walked out.
“He's hot,” Andrea said.
I resisted the urge to stick her with a pin. I stuck it in her hem instead, almost stabbing my finger in the process. “He's too old for you.” I didn't even look up.
“Leigh?” She leaned down, jerking the fabric out of my hands… again.
“Andrea.” I didn't try to mask the irritation in my voice. “I need you still.”
“Could you take the neckline down, just a little?”
“I heard that!” Megan called from her room.
Andrea ignored her sister, “Could you? I feel like a little girl in this. I want to look older.”
“Definitely not.” Again, I kept my eyes on my work.
“Knock, knock again. I have food!” Brian's voice came from outside the door.
“Just a sec!” I had just finished marking Andrea's dress. I jumped up. Brian drove fast. I wanted to get to the door before Andrea came back out of my room in her normal clothes.
Lauren flipped through channels on my couch. “It's that cute guy again, isn't it?” She sat up straighter and looked toward the door.
I ignored her comment. Megan's little sisters shouldn't be looking at Brian.
“Hey, Bri.” I leaned against the wall and opened the door a crack so we could talk. He leaned forward, and our faces almost touched. Butterflies again. I couldn't take my eyes from his. It felt crazy but nice.
“Food.” He pushed the door open just enough to talk. I held the door close to me to try and give us some privacy. As much as I wanted to sit alone with him, the day was too crazy for both of us.
“Hey, Brian! Come on in!” I heard Andrea's voice behind me.
“Uh.” He stuck his head in enough to look back and forth between the two girls. He definitely didn't want to be there.
“Escape, while you can.” I whispered to him. As much as I wanted him around, he didn't need to be around two ridiculous girls who both thought he was cute and had no idea or appreciaxstion for who he was.
I took the bag of takeout from him. “Thank you so much for this. I feel like I should have been helping you today.” Our eyes locked again.
“We did okay for a group of guys. Most of the banging around today was Nathan.” His body rested against the doorframe.
“Guess we'll see you, if I ever make it away from my sewing table.” I rolled my eyes.
“You love it. Ignore everyone else and go to your happy place… after you eat.” A corner of his mouth pulled up, but his expression felt soft and caring. Or maybe I just wanted it to feel that way.
“Thanks.” He was right. I just needed to refind my happy place. Brian understood. He understood me and the chaos of Megan's sisters and the stress of the wedding that was days away. I'd never had that before, not from someone who wasn't family. I felt lighter for it, taken care of in a way that felt nice, not suffocating.
I stepped outside and shielded my eyes from the sun. The sunglasses I wore seemed to be completely ineffectual.
“It's called the sun.” Jaron laughed from Brian's porch. “Where have you been the last two days?”
I glared at him. “Sewing. For your wedding.” Didn't everyone know this?
“Oh, right.” He looked away from me. “Mom and Dad should be here soon. They're staying in Salt Lake until the wedding.”
“Oh.” I looked forward to seeing them, but I was also ready to have some time to do whatever I wanted. I imagined that Mom and Megan's family would keep me busier than I wanted to be until the wedding.
“Leigh?” Megan stepped off of Brian's porch. “You're going to kill me.”
I started toward her and the front of Brian's house. “Why, exactly?”
“Because the cravats from the tux rental place are horrible.” She pulled her lower lip in and squinted a little. “I mean, their ties are okay, but regular ties won't work for the period…”
“I pick the fabric, understand?” I wanted to help, but despite my best attempts, I'd lost my happy sewing place. It had turned into work, but it was my brother's wedding and it would only happen once.
“Thank you!” She pulled me into a big Megan hug, crushing my ribs and lungs in the process.
“You're welcome.” I patted her back. I wanted to be grumpy about it, but Megan hugging me was bound to diffuse my frustration.
“Hey, stranger.” Brian leaned over the side of his porch next to my brother.
“How're you liking your house?” I squinted as I looked up.
“I got real furniture and everything. Wanna come see?” He stood up and waited for me to join him.
“I'd love to.” I started up the steps.
“Not yet.” Jaron laughed. “Here's Mom and Dad.”
I stopped and let my shoulders sag a little. For the first time in… however many days, I was done with things tha
t needed to be done, and Mom and Dad show up.
“Oh, good. I bet your mom would come to the fabric store with us, right?” Megan looked from me to my parents’ car.
“Yep.” I nodded. “She'll be happy to.” Mom wanted to be part of the wedding, part of the preparation, anything. It would be a way to see Mom without her hovering over me. Instead of poking through my apartment and poking through my brain for how I felt, we'd pick out fabric… for cravats… that I'd get to sew.
“How are the cravats coming, honey?” Mom called as she walked into my room.
“Slow.” I pulled another stitch through, the hand sewing was tedious. “How's the yard coming?”
“Your brother and Megan and Brian and your father and, well, everyone, should finish just in time for the party tonight.”
“Wedding tomorrow and then I can relax again.” I laughed a little. I wondered if I'd finish in time for the party.
“You look tired, Leigh, but not bad tired.” She sat on my bed and set her hands in her lap.
“I feel good, Mom—really good.” I knotted off another thread.
“It makes it so much more real, seeing you in your own place where you've been living and everything.” She looked around at the inside of my room and its current state of disarray from wedding sewing.
“Sorry I didn't invite you up sooner.” She and Dad had been really nice about not pressuring me for a visit.
“I understand. Space.” Mom's voice made it sound like she did understand.
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