The Honorable Barbarian

by L. Sprague De Camp

  "You heard aright; but the 'Princess' means little. I am only a distant cousin of the Sophi; his sisters and daughters are called 'Exalted Princess.' And you, sir?"

  Kerin introduced himself, adding: "I never expected to see a person like you calmly cutting throats. Had you no qualms?"

  "I might have had, had they not used me as they did."

  "You mean—ah . . ."

  "Aye, they raped me to a fare-thee-well, more times than I can count. Luckily I know a good contraceptive spell. I am so sore that the mere thought of love-making horrifies me."

  "You poor thing!" said Kerin. "You're safe with me."

  "Who is the other, the old man?"

  "A hermit hight Pwana."

  "He who created the cult of Bautong and later vanished? I might have guessed. I can tell much of his deeds in Kwatna—"

  "Here's the boat. Help me launch it and then take a seat in the stern."

  As the half-moon neared the horizon, the Dragonet's boat cautiously approached the stern of the pirate craft, with Kerin at the oars, Pwana in the bow, Nogiri in the stern, and between the occupants two piles of loot—swords, knives, purses, jewelry, and a few choice garments. Belinka tinkled:

  "He sleeps, Master Kerin. But do take care! Is there nought I can say to turn you from this peril?"

  "Nought," murmured Kerin. He twisted about to view Pwana, who said:

  "Go ahead, youngling, unless you be frightened!"

  "Methinks it wiser to wait for full dark," said Kerin, suppressing an urge to make an angry retort. He would need all his wits on the next step, without letting personal irritations distract him.

  Pwana had been especially irascible ever since Kerin and Nogiri had gone off to fetch back the boat; the idea struck Kerin that the old codger might be jealous. It was hard to believe, but Pwana must once have been young also, with his head full of images of desirable females.

  At last the moon subsided below the horizon. Kerin said: "Doctor, may I borrow your tarncap?"

  "If the lookout sleep, you need it not."

  Kerin persisted: "But he may awaken. If he caught me climbing the rail, he'd let out my gore were I never so prow a swordsman."

  "Nay, nay," grumbled Pwana. "I trust my bauble to none other. Go on, board! If you encounter trouble, I will climb aboard to render aid. I am spry enough for that!"

  Kerin became stubborn. "No tarncap, no boarding. If you persist, I'll return us to Kinungung."

  "And have us subsist on smoked pirate, eh? But hold: Hast a protective counterspell on your person? My spiritual senses tell me you have; that is why my healing spell failed to cure your blisters so quickly as it should have."

  "Yea," said Kerin. "Doctor Uller put it on me ere I left home. Is it still effective?"

  "I cannot be sure here; but I think it valid. If you did on the cap, either the cap or your counterspell would lose its charge, and belike both at once. Besides, you would have to strip naked."

  "Eh? Why?"

  "Because it would not affect your garments. The sight of your clothes mounting the rail by themselves were quite as arresting as of you yourself. You would have to climb holding your sword in your teeth."

  "Then I suppose I must do without." Kerin gave a final pull on the oars, whispering: "Ward us from bumping the ship!"

  A reverse stroke swung the boat broadside to the stern, so that its gunwale lined up parallel to the ship's transom. Kerin saw that he could reach the rail when he stood. Taking a deep breath, he rose and grabbed for the rail, hoisting a leg to put a foot on the transom. . . .

  Kerin never knew just what went wrong; but his foot slipped off the ship's planking. He fell back into the boat, came down unbalanced and, arms flailing, fell backward into the sea. Water closed over him.

  Though his sword and garments weighed him down, Kerin struggled to the surface, blinking water out of his eyes. Overhead a hoarse voice shouted:

  "Who is there?"

  The lookout's visage appeared above the rail, and his weapon glimmered in the starlight. Nogiri sat in the stern, apparently alone in the boat. Looking up, she cooed:

  "Master Bakai? When your shipmates had taken their pleasure of me, they thought it only fair that I should come out to give you your turn. Wilt help me aboard?"

  "That is a kindly thought!" said the lookout. "Come on up, lass; take my hand. You are too good for those embarpos ashore. Here, let me spread my cloak on the deck. . . . Unhh!"

  The lookout disappeared from Kerin's view, and he heard the sound of a body's striking the deck. Then Pwana's voice:

  "Kerin, hand me my sarong, which you will find in the bow!"

  Kerin coughed up water. "Doctor, I must—cough—needs get into the boat without upsetting it."

  Rope snaked down through the darkness, striking Kerin's head. He caught it, worked his way around the bow of the boat, and pulled himself up on the ship's stern, standing outside the rail. The boat drifted away.

  "Pox on it!" said Pwana, who had taken off the tarncap and stood naked in the starlight. Nogiri stood near him, while the body of Bakai the lookout sprawled across the deck with a knife in his back. "Doff your garments, Kerin, and swim after it! You swim, do you not?"

  "Aye," grumbled Kerin. "But—ah—if the princess would step away. . . ."

  "Rubbish! We Salimorese make nought of the body," snapped Pwana. "So hop to it, ere the boat drift too far to recover. It holds all our gear."

  With a sigh Kerin began to strip. "I see you made yourself invisible and climbed aboard whilst the princess distracted the man."

  Pwana snorted. "Good there be at least two level heads amongst us! The shortcoming of the tarncap is that one must use it bare-arsed, rendering it impractical in colder climes. Hasten!"

  As Kerin shed his last garment, Nogiri exclaimed: "By Vurnu's timeless turban, you're bruised all over!"

  "Malgo's boots," grunted Kerin, squaring his shoulders and thrusting out his chest.

  "Enough of displaying your manly form to the incony wench," growled Pwana. "Speed you to the boat. On returning, hand me that rope in the bow, lest it escape again. Hasten!"

  "Master Kerin!" squeaked Belinka, dancing luminously about. "I forfend this deed! The water swarms with sharks!"

  Ignoring the sprite, Kerin told Pwana: "We seamen call that rope the painter." He dove, feeling some small satisfaction in having for once set the omniscient hermit right.

  When Kerin climbed aboard again, Pwana said: "Bear a hand with this carrion." He indicated the pirate, whose body he had already stripped of anything useful.

  Bakai's body went overboard with a splash. As Kerin dried himself on such parts of the pirate's cloak as were not sticky with blood, Pwana announced:

  "I shall take Malgo's cabin in the forward part of the deckhouse. You and the princess may use the two small cabins further aft. The rest of the deckhouse is full of verminous old pallets, whereon the pirates were wont to sleep." The hermit yawned. "Forsooth, this has been a taxing night for one of my years; so I shall retire. You twain should stand watch alternately till morn, when we shall sail."

  Nogiri began: "But if the pirates be all dead—"

  "He's right," said Kerin. "A blow might come up, or another ship, or we might spring a leak. I'll take the first watch, if you like, and wake you when yon bright star—" He pointed, "—sets."

  Pwana walked off forward with a bundle of his belongings. "I am not sleepy," said Nogiri, standing with her elbows on the rail.

  "Then you can keep me company," said Kerin beside her. "My conscience is still uneasy over those throatcuttings, but I ween they'd have done the same to us. Tell me more about Pwana!"

  "What thought you of him after dwelling with him on Kinungung?"

  "He confessed many frauds and fakeries in his former life but insisted he was now reformed; that he had become a saintly altruist. He said his god, Bautong, had commanded him to give up evil ways and go into exile."

  "Ha! He fled Kwatna because too many of those he had cozened hatched a
plot to kill him, and he got wind thereof. Didst believe his fine talk?"

  "Well, he is very persuasive, albeit what he persuades one of today may be the opposite of what he persuaded one of yesterday. And I noted how ruthlessly he cut all those throats and stabbed the lookout in the back."

  She gave a little sniff. "But you intended an assault upon Bakai whilst invisible, didst not? That were hardly a fair fight, either."

  "I suppose not. Pwana did treat me well on the island, albeit he kept me running with his chores. He released me when Malgo had me tied and stood by us in taking this ship. Is he then so great a villain?"

  "Forsooth he is. He befriended you on Kinungung because, being old, he needed a lusty youth to help with the toil. And he cut your bonds because he needed you. He aided in taking the ship because he could not conn the craft alone. But trust a venomous serpent ere you trust him! Even his doctor's degree comes from some institution none ever heard of; I suspect it be selfconferred.

  "His deeds were the talk of Kwatna: his harem of captive women whom he abused; and the experimental spell supposed to make his followers into demigods, instead of which it drove them mad. Then there was the trapdoor through which he dropped rebellious followers, never to be seen again. The more his crimes were exposed, the more fanatical in his defense became his followers, until at last he got one of the Sophi's wives in his grasp.

  "That was too much for the Sophi who, taken in by Pwana's pretensions, had protected him. Some of Pwana's former followers, disillusioned, tipped off the ruler, and Pwana fled from Kwatna one leap ahead of the Sophi's guards, who had orders to bring back his head."

  "Very enlightening," said Kerin. "If ever I have occasion into a river to leap to pull out a drowning man, I will not hand Doctor Pwana my purse to hold whilst I do so. I suppose your news of the former ruler's death led to Pwana's decision to return to Salimor?"

  "Assuredly! But hark ye, Master Kerin! Would there not be a hoard of stolen money and jewels aboard? Chests of treasure in the hold, awaiting burial ashore?"

  Kerin shook his head. "We'll search. But my brother Jorian has had to do with pirates—"

  "Meanst he has been a pirate?"

  "Nay, nay. When he was King of Xylar, he commanded their navy in hunting down the rascals—"

  "Your brother a king? Be this a tall tale, Master Kerin?"

  "Nay again. They had a curious custom in Xylar. When a king had reigned for five years, they cut off his head and threw it up for grabs. My brother unwittingly caught the late king's head and found himself in that foredoomed post. With the help of a wizard, he escaped.

  "But about pirate treasure, Jorian assures me that there is no such thing, whatever folk may dream. The reason, quotha, is that when they have taken a prize, pirates forthwith divide the loot amongst officers and crew. When the ship stops at a port where corrupted officials permit, each pirate spends his share in one grand debauch. And now, my girl, methinks you had better get some sleep ere yonder star below the horizon slinks."

  Kerin let Nogiri sleep through her watch as well as his. Before dawn, Pwana and Nogiri prepared breakfast from supplies in the galley; Kerin ate while woozy and unsteady with fatigue. His companions told him they need not fear for lack of food or drink, since the hold held ample supplies.

  After breakfast, Kerin wanted to hoist the anchor forthwith; but he let his companions argue him down. Pwana said:

  "If you try to sail us half asleep, lad, you will run us on a rock for certain. Take your ease whilst the princess and I essay to clean up this filthy ship."

  When the sun was high, Kerin awoke. Moving painfully from his bruises, he found Pwana at the rail, staring shoreward through his spyglass. The old man chuckled, saying:

  "The megalans feast. Carrion those lizards detect a league downwind and a bowshot up. What next?"

  "I shall hoist the mizzen," said Kerin, "and shall need your help."

  "What is the mizzen?"

  Kerin pointed to one of the two yards over their heads, both of which lay lengthwise of the ship in a pair of crutches rising from the deck. "This is the after sail, the smaller. I don't intend to hoist the other."

  "Wherefore not?"

  "Because I am not sure we three can handle the ship with so large a spread. If all go well with the mizzen and we are becalmed, we may try the main."

  "Oh, fiddle-faddle! In these light breezes we need all the sail we can spread to get to Salimor, which I mean to do in haste."

  "I won't, for the reason I gave."

  "We shall hoist both, I tell you! If the blow strengthen, it will be time enough to haul them in."

  Nogiri, attracted by the men's rising voices, approached and stood silently. Kerin put on his firmest face. He knew that he faced a critical test. Inwardly he quaked, his knees seemed ready to fold, and his bladder sent a call for relief. But with shoulders squared and chin up, he said:

  "Let's understand something, Doctor Pwana. At sea, the captain is absolute ruler. Whilst I'm no barnacled old salt—"

  "A clown like you, who let Malgo disarm him and could not even climb aboard without falling into the sea, you captain? Be not absurd, boy! A tame ape were abler—"

  Kerin raised his voice to a shout: "And who tried to tame the pirates with logic? I still know more about sailing than you twain together! That makes me captain; and if I say we shall sail on the mizzen alone, so shall it be."

  "Insolent young princox!" screamed Pwana. "Know you not that, as a wizard, I can cast upon you a spell of impotence or a disorder of the bowels?"

  "And then how would you, old, frail, and ignorant of seamanship, manage the craft? If you contest my authority, I'll toss you back in the boat and cast you adrift. You can row back to the company of crabs and lizards."

  "You would not dare!"

  "Try me and see!"

  Pwana grumbled something under his breath, of which Kerin caught only ". . . shall rue your impudence!" Aloud he said: "Aye, aye, sir, Captain, Admiral, Great Lord of the Oceans! What commands Your Divinity of this humble deckhand?"

  Kerin grinned. "I hadn't expected such rapid promotion. First, I want you and the princess to climb to the roof of the deckhouse and cast loose the stops from the mizzen yard."

  "What are stops?" said Pwana.

  "Those short lengths of line tied around the sail. Nogiri, find a bag or a basket wherein to gather the stops."

  "But, Admiral," said Pwana, "how shall we untie the ropes on the back half of the yard, over our heads?"

  "You shall do as sailors do: straddle the yard and bump along it on your arses. Be glad the sea is calm."

  While Kerin identified the halyard by which the yard was hoisted and the winch to raise it, he murmured: "Belinka!"

  "Aye, Master Kerin? What idiotic nonsense are you up to now, scorning my prudent advice?"

  "I cannot go without sleep all the time. So I want you to watch Doctor Pwana, whose feelings for me are less than adoration. Warn me if you see him doing aught suspicious, such as putting poison in my food or creeping with dagger upon me asleep."

  "Oh. I understand, Captain. Pray forgive my outburst. Adeliza will be proud of you when I report how you mastered this arrogant trickster!"

  "Humph!" snorted Kerin. He leaned heavily on the rail, without the support of which he feared he would collapse on deck from sheer funk.

  V

  The Coasts of Ambok

  Day followed day as the former pirate vessel plodded eastward. Pwana named the ship the Benduan after an island of the archipelago on which he had been born. When they passed another ship, the other always turned away and ran for it. The third time this happened, it occurred to Kerin that the other probably recognized Malgo's vessel and fled in fear of attack.

  As Kerin had predicted, a search of the hull turned up no treasure. In the hold they discovered a pile of oddments of clothing behind the jars and casks of provisions: wine, oil, rice, dried chick-peas, salted meats, and so on. The only worthwhile loot was that which they had already taken
from the bodies of pirates killed on Kinungung.

  Betimes they passed other islands, some mere atolls and sand spits, supporting no life but sea birds. Kerin insisted, despite Pwana's fretting over the delay, on anchoring at night whenever the water was shallow enough for the anchor to bite.

  Then the islands waxed larger. Sometimes these forested bodies of land showed signs of human life. Once, when Nogiri was at the tiller and Kerin and Pwana were leaning on the rail, Kerin pointed, saying:

  "Look yonder, Doctor. Do I see people putting out in a boat?"

  Pwana stared through his spyglass. "You do indeed, Captain. If I mistake not, that island is Siau, whose folk have unpleasant habits. You had better raise the larger sail, unless you wish our heads to adorn their village gate posts whilst our bodies are roasted for dinner."

  "Oh? Give me a look, pray."

  Kerin saw through the glass that the craft was a dugout canoe, manned by a score of brown-skinned paddlers. They drove it ahead with powerful strokes, timed by a barking chant.

  "Master Kerin!" squealed Belinka. "You must speed the ship!"

  "I will," said Kerin. "I shall need help with the sail, Pwana." He tried to keep his voice level, but it rose with tension. "Help me to take off the stops."

  When this was done, Kerin needed the oldster's help on the winch to hoist the yard. This buff-colored sail was twice as heavy as the mizzen on which they had leisurely been sailing. A glance showed the canoe to be gaining fast.

  "Nogiri!'' Kerin shouted. " Crouch down!''

  He and Pwana strained at the crank handles. But the winch was meant to be raised by two well-muscled men, and Pwana lacked the needed strength. Digit by digit the sail arose, flapping its folds in the gentle breeze.

  "Harder!" Kerin gasped.

  "I am working—as hard—as I can!" panted Pwana.

  Astern, the canoe grew larger. The paddlers were muscular men even darker than Pwana, naked but wearing headdresses of bright-hued feathers. Closer they came, until the shouts of one in the bow came clearly across the water.