The Honorable Barbarian

by L. Sprague De Camp

  "I can see advantages and disadvantages either way," said Kerin. "But you see why you must sleep alone. When circumstances permit, I may pay you visits; but your cabin is your sovran territory.''

  She shrugged. "Whatever you say, Master Kerin. I am glad 'tis not that you find me ugly. Good-night, then."

  "Good-night, my lady—oh, by the way, do the Salimorese practice—I know not your word, but we call it 'kissing'?"

  "I know not. What is it?"

  "I'll show you," said Kerin, doing so.

  She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "What means that? Is it an expression of affection?''

  "Exactly! What do your people do?"

  "We rub the nose against the other's cheek."

  "Show me!"

  Nogiri did. Kerin's blood pounded as they stood with arms about each other's shoulders, alternately kissing and noserubbing, until Nogiri uttered a shrill yelp.

  "Ow! Something stung my back!"

  Kerin sighed. "It's Belinka again, furiously jealous. Anon I'll explain what befell back home, which led to my getting her as my keeper. So good-night again; I'll return your blanket shortly.''

  "Good-night, Master Kerin. I see how Mistress Belinka will complicate our relationship."

  "I fear so. And speaking of your back, we shall soon sail northward into cooler climes, where you'll want some sort of coat. I'll shop amongst the merchants for one. Till tomorrow!"

  It seemed to Kerin that he had hardly fallen asleep when Belinka was buzzing in his ear and Nogiri was shaking his shoulder, crying: "Wake up, Master Kerin! Pwana's men are back!"

  Sitting up and rubbing his eyes, Kerin took a while to remember where he was, who Pwana was, and what their dispute was about. By the time he had pulled on his clothes and armed himself, he was fully awake. The Reverend Tsemben slumbered through the disturbance.

  On the cabin deck outside, groups of Kuromonian merchants huddled, chattering in the early morning light. As Kerin and Nogiri passed them, they stared and broke into more excited speech.

  Kerin stumbled up the ladder to the weather deck. He found a sky of gray overcast and a deck thronged with the Tukara Mora's marines. Ashore, he sighted not only Pwana and some of his priests and temple guards, but also a squad of archers in the Sophi's household livery of scarlet turbans and jackets and gold-embroidered skirts. Looking further, Kerin also sighted Klung and Wejo on the edge of the crowd ashore. The gangplank was still withdrawn aboard the ship.

  The wizard Pwana was arguing with a man whom Kerin took to be the vessel's captain. Although no taller than Kerin, the man had an indefinable air of authority, from his curious black lacquered hat with a chin strap and a button of some semiprecious stone on top, to the hem of his silken robe bedight with writhing dragons in golden thread. Pwana shouted in a high, cracked voice:

  "But the Sophi himself hath authorized me to take that pair; the woman is the temple's property, and the foreigner stole her! And if my guardsman die, I will prosecute a charge of murder!"

  "Sophi or no Sophi," said the captain, "I cannot allow you to tread the sacred soil of the Empire for any such purpose—ah," he said, turning to Kerin. He switched to Novarian: "There you are, Master Kerin! As you see, bringing your princess aboard has stirred up trouble. What reason canst give me for not putting you and the female ashore, to cope with Doctor Pwana on your own?"

  Kerin groped for arguments. "For one, I've paid the passage for us."

  "Your fare could be refunded—minus, naturally, a charge for bookkeeping costs. Well then?"

  As Kerin racked his brain, Klung called out from the quay: "If I may come aboard, Captain Yambang, this humble worm can explain."

  "You may—" began Captain Yambang, but Pwana shouted: "Nay, glorious captain! If you let this mass of offal aboard, this insignificant one demands to come, too!"

  "Oh, let the twain of you come," said Yambang. "But each alone, and none of your magical tricks! Our sorcerer has cast a counterspell upon the ship."

  Sailors hoisted the gangplank off the deck and swung it over the gap between the ship and the shore. As the plank thumped into place, both Klung and Pwana started for it. Since its shoreward end had come to rest near Klung, the stout balimpawang reached it first. By a hasty scuttle, Pwana caught up with his rival, crying:

  "Out of my way, charlatan!"

  The plank was just wide enough for two men to walk abreast, if they moved with care. As Pwana tried to shoulder Klung aside, the latter roared:

  "Out of my way, turd!"

  Klung pushed back. For an instant the two jostled shoulder to shoulder on the plank. Since Klung was the younger and heavier, he sent Pwana staggering over the edge. With a shriek, the old wizard cartwheeled down into the slimy water below.

  Captain Yambang shouted, and a pair of breechclouted sailors rushed to the rail with a rope. When the end of the rope reached him, Pwana seized it; but when the sailors heaved on the rope, the old wizard's grasp failed, dropping him back into the water.

  Captain Yambang paused in giving orders to say to Kerin: "As barbarians go, you Novarians show better manners than these jungle savages. I saw your land on a voyage years ago."

  The sailors brought up another rope, with a loop at the end. When the loop reached him, Pwana worked his scrawny body into it so that it encircled him below the armpits. This time the retrieval succeeded.

  Reaching the deck, Pwana said to the captain: "Why didst not afford me protection from that mountebank?" He indicated Klung, who stood grinning. "I am after all the high priest of a god! As such, I merit deference."

  The captain snorted. "You? To me you are nought but a horde of chattering monkeys, whom someone has caught and shaved and taught to play tricks."

  Pwana glanced at one of the marines, who was moving his fauchard in a significant way and staring at Pwana's neck. He grunted and turned to the rail, wringing water from the hem of his sarong.

  "Come!" said the captain sharply. "We cannot waste more time, for we load today. You two wizards and the couple over whom you dispute, follow me!"

  The captain's cabin was a two-room suite, done up in a style like that of Nogiri's cabin but more ornate. Golden dragons writhed along the walls; across the overhead flitled conventional bats and cranes. The cabin boasted substantial chairs and a massive table of black-hued wood.

  Captain Yambang sat at the head of this table in a thronelike chair. He motioned the rival wizards to chairs on either side of him and Kerin and Nogiri to seats at the farther end. Kerin was glad again to sit in a genuine chair instead of cross-legged on the floor.

  "Now, gentlemen," said the captain, "state your cases. You first, Doctor Pwana."

  "It is simple theft, my lord," said Pwana. "This wench was the lawful property of the Temple of Bautong, having been given to the temple by her uncle, Lord Vunnmbai, acting in loco parentis since her natural parents are dead. We could present a formal request for the extradition of Master Kerin as a common thief and possible murderer; but we shall be satisfied with the return of the woman Nogiri to representatives of the temple. There is no reason for you, representing His Imperial Majesty, to detain a piece of plainly stolen property—"

  "Oh, yes there is!" cried Klung. "The temple was about to slay the Princess Nogiri as a sacrifice to their demonic deity. The laws of Salimor do not permit the killing of a slave or other bondperson at the whim of his or her master. There must be an official procedure to weigh whether the bondperson hath done aught to merit such treatment, such as defying a lawful command. That law dates from the reign of Sophi Munta—"

  "Who reigned three centuries ago, and whose law has long since fallen into disuse! For over a century, the courts have held that to slay one's slave at one's own discretion be a basic human right! Let not this cheap mountebank—"

  "Hold your tongue, charlatan!" shouted Klung. "Honorable Captain, this convicted criminal can bend every law to his purpose of the moment—"

  "Humbug!" yelled Pwana. "I challenge you to a magical duel, ashore,
you fat pretender—"

  Both wizards screamed threats and insults. Kerin quietly rose, went around the table, and said in Captain Yam bang's ear:"Sir, if I might speak to you apart for a moment. . . ."

  The captain nodded and said to the disputants: "I call a recess for a few moments, to let you gentlemen's tempers cool." He gave "gentlemen" a sarcastic emphasis and spoke rapidly in his own tongue to one of the two marines standing behind his chair. Turning back, he said: "I have commanded that if any more such outbursts occur, the marines shall drop you over the side, to sink or swim. Come, Master Kerin."

  The captain led Kerin into the bedroom of the suite and closed the door. "Very well, young barbarian, what say you?"

  "You've heard the claims, sir. What propose you?"

  "To be honest, I must return the woman to those blackguards from the temple. They were in hot pursuit when she took refuge on the ship, and the treaties betwixt His Imperial Majesty and the Sophi provide for return of stolen property under those conditions. It is not as if she were your wife; Kuromonian law is strict against the breaking up of families. Hence when a Kuromonian is convicted of a capital offense, the spouse is beheaded along with the culprit."

  "If Princess Nogiri were my wife, would you give me back to Pwana's men along with her?"

  Yambang came as close to laughing as such a dignified man could. "Nay, youngster. This person would give her the same protection I extend to you."

  Kerin thought until the captain made a motion as if to return to the sitting room. Then he said: "Captain, I've heard of nations whose sea captains are empowered to perform marriages. Does that apply to Kuromon?"

  A shadow of a smile flickered across Yambang's grave countenance. "Not in this case, since neither of you is a subject of His Imperial Majesty.''

  "My cabin mate is the Reverend Tsemben, a priest of Jinterasa. Could he perform the office?"

  "I suppose he could utter the needed phrases, although without the procession from the bride's house to the groom's, the written contract, the exchange of gifts between the parents, the soothsayer's prophecies, and the other formalities, this would be a marriage of the lowest category above simple cohabitation."

  "Wilt excuse me a moment, Captain?"

  "So long as you attempt not to leave the ship ere this matter be decided."

  Pwana and Klung were still growling maledictions. Kerin touched Nogiri on the shoulder and motioned her to follow him out. On deck, he sighted Tsemben leaning on the rail and watching the sailors hoist the cargo aboard. Kerin said:

  "Reverend Tsemben, will you unite Princess Nogiri and me in marriage, instanter?"

  "Why—why—very well, my son, if you insist; albeit this is somewhat irregular. Doth she consent?"

  "Aye, truly," said Nogiri.

  "Then join hands and repeat after me—yeouw!" The little priest leaped into the air and clapped a hand to his shoulder. "Something stung me!"

  Nogiri gave a cry of pain and clutched at her bare flank; then Kerin felt Belinka's sting on his knee. "Belinka!" he cried. "What in the seven hells do you?"

  "Preserving your chastity for Adeliza!" tinkled the sprite, buzzing about the impromptu wedding party like a large, semitransparent insect.

  "But this is necessary to save Nogiri's life!"

  "I care nought for your brown barbarian!" shrilled Belinka. "I know my duty!"

  "We shall see about that!" said Kerin. "Nogiri, stay with the Reverend for a moment."

  He dashed off and presently emerged from the captain's suite with Klung waddling after. To the balimpawang he said:

  "My familiar gives trouble again. Wouldst please tell your hantu to get her away? Chase her, seduce her, beat her, or whatever be needed to leave us alone for a while.''

  Klung's round face crinkled into a smile that hid his slanting black eyes. "Aha! I see ye be taking a desperate measure to get your princess out of Pwana's clutches. It is not for me to lecture you on the advantages of single blessedness. Oh, Sendu! Hither, and sprackly!"

  Klung muttered to an invisible presence. Kerin heard a diminishing wail: "You inhuman monster! I'll get even. . . ." The sound, like the buzz of a departing insect, died away. Kerin said:

  "Very well, Reverend Tsemben, proceed!"

  The priest joined Kerin's left hand to Nogiri's right and rattled through a speech in Kuromonian, of which Kerin caught only a few words. Then Tsemben thrust out a hand, palm up.

  "How much do I owe him?" Kerin asked Klung in Novarian.

  "One Kortolian eagle were generous."

  Digging the coin out of his money belt, Kerin asked Klung: "What befell whilst I climbed that rope?"

  "Pwana first told the doublegoer to begone. When the spirit would not, Pwana made a sign to his sentry, who swung his kris; but the blade passed through the entity as if it were smoke. Then the being ran, as I had commanded, with the others after it—all but Pwana, the first to realize it as a simulacrum lacking substance. It was all I could do to keep from laughing and betraying my hiding place. Ah, would ye had seen it, my boy!"

  "I had enough on my mind at the time," said Kerin.

  Pwana departed down the gangplank. Ashore, he shook his bony fist at the Tukara Mora and croaked: "I will send a wind demon to sink you all! I will teach you to thwart the will of the mighty Bautong!"

  Klung tapped Kerin's shoulder. "Farewell, lad; and I hope ye enjoy a greater marital felicity than I have. Forget not your contract with me!"

  As Klung trudged away, Captain Yambang said: "Well, Master Kerin, this person hopes your presence on my ship will cause no further disturbances. I have told my sailors to move your gear from Number Eighteen to Number Two."

  Kerin stared; his thoughts had not run so far ahead. Nogiri's expression was unreadable, but she seemed neither surprised nor disconcerted. As Captain Yambang walked off, she said:

  "Had we not better see that your things be rightly stowed?"

  "Of course, of course," said Kerin, flustered.

  They descended to the cabin deck and went to Number Two. After a long silent minute, Nogiri, standing by the bed, said:

  "Well, my lord?"

  "Hm," said Kerin. "Dost love me, Princess?"

  She showed a puzzled frown. "Nay, certes. But what has that to do with your husbandly rights?"

  "In my native Kortoli, love is the main excuse for marrying."

  "What a backward, barbarous land!" she cried. "A proper marriage is securing of a family tie, joining of resources, and the building of a stable family unit. These things form a much more lasting basis for marriage than nimple sexual lust."

  "It sounds cold-bloodedly calculating to me."

  "So what? If people acted more by reason and less by the whims of passing emotions, half the world's problems were solved. Of course," she added thoughtfully, "if a pair cohabit harmoniously for years, they may come to feel for each other something like this 'love' you speak of. In the present case, I have no family or estate. I know nought of yours, and in any case they are far away. So you, my lord, have done me a great favor, making a wife of a mere thing. Think not but that I am grateful."

  "I try to help my friends," mumbled Kerin. "But I wouldn't take unfair advantage. . . ."

  "I know not what you mean. I am your wife, am I not? So what about it? It were indecent to hold aloof from me. Let me suggest that, if we take not advantage of your familiar's absence, she may complicate intimacies later on."

  "Methought your—ah—misfortune had made such things repugnant."

  "That memory has faded, and I am always ready to do my plain duty in any case. Let us to it!"

  Kerin broke into a grin. "Good girl!"

  The newly weds were resuming their garments when Kerin said: "I ask your pardon, Princess, for not giving you greater pleasure. I am in need of practice."

  "Hast had none for long?"

  Kerin squirmed, feeling himself flush. "To tell the truth, this was my first."

  "Amazing! You must be subject to some strange tabu amongst the round-
eyes. I regret that I cannot say the same for myself. So why apologize? A man is not expected to give his woman pleasure, and you were gentler than those pirates. All you need is experience—"

  A tiny voice interrupted: "Master Kerin! Oh, Master Kerin!"

  "Yea, Belinka?"

  "What dost? It looks as if you and your barbarian were about to indulge your beastly lusts despite all!"

  "Belinka," said Kerin sternly, "Princess Nogiri and I are man and wife. So we—"

  "Oh, you vile creature! Whilst my back is turned, you break poor Adeliza's heart! How can you be so cruel?"

  "I had to, to save Nogiri's life."

  "A poorish bargain! At least I shall be here to stop indulgence of your animal lusts. Back in civilization, you can dissolve this so-called marriage."

  "I won't dissolve it," said Kerin. "As for 'beastly lusts,' you're too late."

  "You mean—eeek!" Belinka gave a tiny shriek, dancing about the cabin semitransparent. "You have ruined not only yourself but me as well. Madame Erwina will torture me!"

  "I'll put in a good word for you, if we ever win back to Kortoli. Meanwhile you might as well accept—"

  "Never! You shall either leave the woman here in the East and say nought about her on your return, or else you must take both her and Adeliza to Janareth or some such place where multiple wives are legal."

  "I'll do no such thing. And, unless you promise not to interfere with normal married usages, I'll borrow Klung's hantu to keep you in order!"

  "Fiddle-dee-dee! I can twist Sendu round my little finger!"

  "Then I'll tell Erwina how you lied to me. If you don't leave us alone, I'll get Klung to turn you into a puddle of slime. Aroint!"

  "Aiyee!" came the tiny screech. "Doom, doom! I have failed! What is left? On my own plane, I could immolate myself in a volcano, but that's impossible here."

  Kerin regretted his burst of temper. "Now, Belinka, be reasonable!" he said soothingly.

  "I'll not, not, not, you arrant satyr! Since I have failed to keep your purity, I will no longer be yoked to the cause of my disgrace. So farewell, you mass of slimy lust! I shall return to Erwina and take my punishment. I go!"