Learning to Love Again

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘Tired, but fine. Once the adrenaline flow stopped, I seemed to collapse, but one of Lucy’s ginormous breakfasts has put me right. How’s Mr Brierley?’

  ‘OK. I’ve arranged for him to go in to Landris for a check-up and hopefully it will give Mrs B a bit of respite. I enjoyed talking last night. I wondered . . . I know what you said about everything, but I wondered if you’d have dinner with me one evening?’

  ‘It’s very kind of you, but as I explained, I do need to spend every possible moment with Holly. I don’t ever go out in the evenings.’

  ‘Surely she goes to bed quite early? She’s only young. And you were out last night.’

  ‘I was working,’ she snapped rather too quickly. ‘No. It isn’t a good idea. I don’t want you to think we . . . well, we might . . . No. It’s just not possible. Not practical. Besides, I’m older than you are.’

  ‘Almost ready to draw a pension, I’d say. For heaven’s sake. I’m only asking you to have dinner with me. Not commit for life.’

  ‘Please keep your voice down. People can hear.’

  ‘So what?’ he said only marginally more quietly. He glared at her and turned away, storming off to his office. ‘Suit yourself,’ she heard him mutter. She bit her lip wishing she’d handled it better. There was nothing she’d have liked more than to have dinner with him, she realised.

  ‘So, the gorgeous Doctor Meredith has chosen you to lavish his attention, has he?’ Maggie said with a huge grin on her face.

  ‘We simply worked together yesterday. He was . . . saying thank you, I suppose,’ she blustered.

  ‘He can say thank you to me any time he likes.’ She caught Anna’s glare. ‘Oh no. Don’t tell me you knocked him back? You didn’t . . . couldn’t refuse him?’

  ‘For heaven’s sake, stop gossiping, Maggie. I’m not going out with him or anyone else. I have responsibilities; you know I do. My husband’s . . .’

  ‘Oh, Anna,’ she chided. ‘Isn’t it about time you came out of your cave? You’re an attractive young woman. You should get out and do things, not just work yourself into the ground. I know you’ve had it tough but you’re too dedicated by half. Look at last night. I bet you don’t take time off in lieu.’

  ‘How did you know about last night? I haven’t written up my report yet.’

  ‘Doctor Meredith told me. Mind you, he’s pretty dedicated himself, for a locum, don’t you think? He was working out of hours with Mr Brierley. You’re obviously two of a kind. Though I don’t see you dashing off to the lifeboat in your spare time.’

  ‘Lifeboat? I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘He’s a R.N.L.I. volunteer. Mans the lifeboat whenever he’s needed. I thought you knew.’

  ‘I hardly know him at all,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘Must get on. I’ll see you later. Oh, have you got my list of calls for today?’ She picked up the sheet and glanced down it. There was nothing urgent and she saw she could fit everything in with her routine rounds. Lifeboat man, eh? That must have been what he meant about other commitments.

  She couldn’t cope with someone else who went out to sea. Not after Ben. Apart from looking at waves from the safety of the beach, she wanted nothing more to do with the ocean.

  * * *

  When Anna called the hospital, she heard that Sarah had already been collected by Damian and their little boy.

  ‘They were both fine. You did a good job there.’ The sister at the small Maternity Unit had become a good friend over the months and they worked well together when it was necessary. ‘We must get together soon,’ Joanna suggested. ‘Go for a drink or something.’

  ‘That would be nice. We’ll fix a date, soon. Bye.’

  ‘Oh, so you do have time for occasional dates then,’ said a voice from the open door. Joe was leaning against the frame and staring at her. He had the same smile on his face that had affected her so much yesterday.

  ‘That was private, Joe. I’ve told you; I can’t go out with you, not now, not ever. I’m not ready for any sort of relationship, casual or otherwise.’

  ‘I thought we would go down to Porthcullion tomorrow evening, around eight o’clock. We could have a bite to eat at the pub and then there’s a band on afterwards. I can collect you from home and I’ll even let you introduce me to your Aunt. Lucy wasn’t it? So she can see you are in respectable company.’

  ‘Joe, please stop hassling me. I can’t go out with you. Really. It isn’t right.’

  ‘Why not? My one bad habit, I should warn you of. I’m very persistent and never take no for an answer.’

  ‘Oh, Joe.’ Despite herself, Anna found she was smiling. ‘Why me? I’ve told you I’m not available and that I don’t want . . .’

  ‘Any sort of relationship. Does that include a relationship with a wonderful dish of steamed local sole, garnished with lemon butter and fresh prawns, with new potatoes and salad? Even if you hate the company, that fish is to die for.’

  She felt herself smiling and in a moment of weakness, gave in. She realised just how much she wanted to spend time with him, despite all her doubts.

  ‘OK. Why not? But this is just for dinner. A one off. Just to shut you up.’

  ‘Excellent. I’ll be round about seven tomorrow.’

  ‘You said eight.’

  ‘That was before you told me I had to meet your aunt. Must give her time to get to love me as much as you do.’

  ‘For heavens sake. Be serious for five minutes. Why me?’

  ‘Because you need to be loved. I want to see the sadness leave your eyes for a while. I want to see your smile and most of all; I want to get to know you. I quite fancy you too.’ She found herself blushing at his words.

  He breezed out. Anna smiled as she pulled out the report forms to complete for her delivery last night. However much she pretended, Joe was certainly a breath of fresh air after the miserable faces she seemed to see much of the time. The rest of the doctors in the practice were all rather elderly and resistant to all forms of change. The senior partner was mainly concerned in keeping his budget under tight rein. Acupuncture . . . that could be an interesting addition to the treatment offered by the Health Centre. She wondered what Doctor Whittaker would make of that idea.

  * * *

  Lucy was absolutely delighted that her niece was going out the following evening and made a great deal of being pleased that Anna was taking her advice.

  ‘So who is he?’ she asked. ‘Why haven’t you mentioned him before?’

  She passed on the little she knew about Joe Meredith, doing her best to make it clear he was just a colleague and that they were going out socially primarily to discuss what he knew about alternative therapies. In fact, she was so convincing that she almost began to believe it herself. It somehow made her feel better about the whole thing. Less guilty to Ben’s memory.

  By the time the following evening arrived, Anna was in a state of nerves she had difficulty hiding. She had put Holly to bed rather earlier than usual, not wanting her to meet a stranger at this stage. She took a quick shower and brushed her short dark hair into its usual crown of curls. She ransacked her wardrobe to find the right clothes to wear.

  She didn’t want to look as if she had dressed up but neither did she want to look scruffy, as if she didn’t care. In fact, she realised it was so long since she had been out anywhere at all, she no longer knew what people wore to go out! She finally chose some rather ordinary cream trousers and a blue silky shirt to make the outfit look slightly dressier.

  ‘Hope I’ll do,’ she said to Lucy.

  ‘You look fine love. I suspect he’s a bit more special than you’re letting on.’

  ‘Of course not. It’s just that, well, he’s a bit younger than me and I don’t want him to think he’s out with an old frump.’

  ‘You’ll never be a frump. Now, should I offer him a drink, do you think?’

  ‘I shouldn’t think so. He’s driving. Oh, there he is now. You’re sure I look all right?’ Lucy laughed and nodded. ‘I�
��ll go and let him in. I assume you want to meet him.’

  ‘I’ll let him in myself,’ Lucy insisted. ‘You just practice relaxing for a moment. Breathe deeply. You’re all of a dither.’

  ‘No I’m not. Course I’m not.’ But really she was, she had to admit.

  She heard them laughing within seconds. Lucy pushed open the door and ushered him into the pretty sitting room. He was wearing a pair of cream chinos and a chocolate-coloured shirt which suited him perfectly.

  ‘Here she is. All ready. Now, can I get you anything? Coffee, tea. Or something stronger?’

  ‘That’s kind, but I’m driving. Thank you. I’ll allow myself a single glass of something with the meal. It’s really nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.’

  Anna was amused to see Lucy falling instantly under his spell. Joe certainly could be most charming and he even seemed to realise that his usual sense of fun needed to be curbed just a little for her aunt. After half an hour, he suggested they should leave. Lucy showed them out, muttering, ‘He’s gorgeous,’ in her ear as she went out. She turned and gave her a hug.

  ‘Don’t you get any ideas,’ she muttered under her breath.

  * * *

  ‘So, Doctor Meredith, are you going to tell me something about yourself?’ she asked, once they were sitting in front of plates of delicious looking food.

  ‘Not a lot to tell. I trained and qualified. Had several locum jobs but never seemed to find anywhere I really wanted to make my home. I can’t bear to leave Cornwall, if the truth were told. Think I’ve got roots digging deep into the granite and they won’t be parted for long.’

  ‘Do your parents live here?’

  ‘Like you, I don’t have any parents. They died just as I got my place in med school. My sister and I became very close after they died. She’s a couple of years older than me. She also lives in Cornwall, not far from here. Happily married with two kids. Boys, and a real handful they are too.’

  She felt sympathy for Joe. He too had suffered loss and must have struggled to get his training. It was remarkable that he seemed so cheerful all the time. Perhaps it was his own way of coping with what must have been a devastating loss at the time.

  ‘It must have been difficult.’

  ‘One moves on. You’d like my sister, Evie. She’s great and I’m looking forward to introducing you both. Now, what do you think of this fish? Pretty good isn’t it?’

  ‘Wonderful. You were right. I could have a serious relationship with this. I don’t think it will be a very long-lasting one though,’ she said, trying to lighten the mood.

  ‘You should smile more often. It suits you. You’re very lovely you know. I feel quite jealous of all the years you’ve lived without my knowing you.’

  ‘Be serious. You’re too full of jokes. I don’t know whether to believe you or not half the time.’

  ‘OK. I think I want to be very serious about you. I know, in fact.’ He held his hand up as she was about to speak. ‘I know, we’ve only just met. It’s very early days, but I have never felt this attracted to a woman for a very long time. Besides, you have all the right qualities.’

  ‘I do?’ she asked blushing.

  ‘You live in Cornwall. That has to mean something.’

  She laughed, relieved to be back on a less intense level. One that she could cope with. A more serious expression flitted across his handsome face.

  ‘Actually, there is something you should know about me.’ Anna stared, wondering what revelation was coming next. ‘I’m a crew member of the R.N.L.I. Lifeboats? I’m a volunteer and go out on rescue missions when I’m needed.’

  She nodded her head. ‘I’d heard. And yes, it is a bit of a problem. I couldn’t cope with another man who regularly goes out to sea and puts himself in danger.’

  He pressed his lips together and frowned. ‘I had a feeling you’d say that. I suppose I could give it up but it’s part of my family tradition. My dad. My uncle. Various cousins. They’ve all taken their turn. But that’s not everything I needed to say. I was actually part of the team who went in search of your Ben. That’s why I knew the story so well. Nobody ever wanted to call off the search, but there comes a time when you know it’s pointless. I’m sorry, Anna.’

  The delicious food stuck in her throat as she tried to come to terms with facing one of Ben’s would-be rescuers.

  ‘Tell me something,’ she gasped. ‘If we’d called you out earlier, would it have made a difference?’

  ‘I doubt it. If his boat was going down, it would have been very quick and there would have been nothing we could do. He had a radio on board so we’d have responded anyway, if he’d hit something. Someone would be sure to have called in.’

  ‘I see. So you think he must have sunk immediately?’

  ‘I guess so. We had no clue of his whereabouts, despite the plan he’d left. We couldn’t work out how far he’d gone in the time and we could only follow the leads we had from possible sightings. We broadened the search as widely as was feasible. Not a single trace was ever found.’

  ‘That in itself sounded strange. You’d think something might have been found, if only a bit of debris. Could it be that he meant to disappear? You know, sailed to some other place and began again?’

  She could see from the expression in his eyes that Joe sensed the depth of turmoil behind her questions. Questions she’d posed a thousand times, but had never believed.

  ‘I’d have thought it would be impossible for any boat to disappear without trace. There’s usually something torn off or fuel leaks that float up. But not in this case. I can see why it’s been so difficult for you. You must have spent so many hours just wondering.’ He put his hand over hers again and gave it a squeeze. ‘Come on. Eat up now. You need to consider what lies ahead in the way of a pudding.’ He leaned over and kissed her gently on the cheek. ‘Enough sadness and soul searching for one evening. Thanks for being here with me. I appreciate it.’

  ‘Thank you too,’ Anna whispered and meant it. Maybe there was something ahead for them both but at the moment, they could simply enjoy each other’s company occasionally. Perhaps it could remain casual. Perhaps not.

  AN INVITATION FROM JOE

  ‘So, how was it?’ Lucy asked the minute Anna returned home. She barely had time to remove her jacket.

  ‘Fine. Lovely. We should go to that pub one lunchtime. It’s lovely food.’

  ‘I wasn’t asking about the food. Joe, what’s he like?’

  Her face was serious for a moment but then she burst out laughing. ‘He’s lovely. Quite mad, well eccentric perhaps, but a very nice man and very good company.’

  ‘Excellent. So when are you seeing him again?’

  ‘Tomorrow. At work.’

  ‘I meant seeing him, seeing him.’

  ‘Take that gleam out of your eyes. He’s a friend and that’s all he can ever be. As a matter of fact, he’s a lifeboat man. He was part of the search team that was looking for Ben.’

  Her aunt’s jaw dropped and she paled. She grasped Anna’s hand and whispered soft comforting words.

  ‘It’s OK, Lucy. Really. Only, you do see why I can’t ever let myself get fond of him, even if it did move on further. I daren’t risk falling for another sailor. It isn’t fair to Holly for one thing. If she ever thought there would be a new daddy in her life, it would have to be someone who didn’t do anything dangerous. But, hey, we’re all getting ahead of ourselves here. I’ve only been out for a pub meal with the man, after all.’

  ‘You sound to me as though you’re trying to convince yourself there’s no future with him. But even you have to admit, he’s rather dishy.’

  Anna smiled and nodded. It was going to be difficult seeing him every day and knowing that she mustn’t allow herself to show any encouragement to him. Even thinking of him set her heart beating faster, which was quite ridiculous under the circumstances.

  ‘I must get to bed. I feel totally wiped out. I’ll just look in on Holly.’

  ‘She
’s fine. Never stirred all evening. Sleep well.’

  ‘Thanks. And you.’ Anna looked down at her little daughter and touched her soft blonde hair. She was beginning to look more and more like Ben. Whatever she wanted for herself and the future, Holly’s needs would always come first. Nothing would ever get in the way of her relationship with her precious daughter.

  ‘Oh Ben,’ she whispered, ‘you never even knew about our lovely child. And what would you really have thought of my going out for an evening with another man?’

  She tried to convince herself that he wouldn’t have minded. That he wouldn’t have wanted her to be lonely and unhappy. Handsome, flirty Ben. She’d been the envy of the girls at the sailing club when they’d married and he’d become hers and hers alone. He would have been, often was, jealous if she’d chatted to any of the other men, but she’d never minded. It made her feel special and wanted.

  It hadn’t helped her to get over him, though. He’d tried to make her feel reliant on him all the time. She’d realised he’d wanted her to be something of a doormat, but her responsible job had prevented her from totally being in his shadow. Was she beginning to see that he may not have been the ideal man she’d always believed?

  ‘Joe Meredith, what are you doing to me?’ she whispered. He was making her think beyond tomorrow, that’s what he was doing. It was wrong. Ben had been a wonderful man. A perfect husband. She’d always trusted him completely.

  There was only one thing for it. She must stop seeing Joe, except at work, however difficult it would be. She would not, could not have any sort of relationship with him. The decision made, she went to bed and attempted to sleep.

  The next few days were extremely busy and she scarcely saw Joe, which helped with her decision to stay away from him. She had the usual rounds of clinics and patients to go out to visit, including Sarah and her new baby. Mother and child were thriving and Jamie, the toddler was very proud of his new sister.

  Anna called in on Mrs Brierley.

  ‘How’s your husband getting on?’ she asked.

  ‘He’s still in the hospital. They think they’ll have to operate. It’s all very difficult. We’re so far from the hospital down here. Tell the truth, I’m that worried.’