Welcome to Hell Box Set: Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Mel Goes to Hell Series Book 123)

by Demelza Carlton

  Luce seemed surprised. He evidently wasn't used to forthright angels, Mel mused. Perhaps she should have been more careful – or at least less frank.

  "Not so much sleep. I definitely want you awake." He paused before adding, "Look, I lied."

  Big surprise there, Mel thought.

  "When I said I'd only have five minutes for you, that's not true. I don't have any more meetings or appointments today. You can have me for as long as you want. All night, if you like." Another pause. "And it doesn't have to be the desk. There's this chair, or up against the wall, or on the floor…or even on the couch!" Luce sounded really proud of himself. "I'll tell you what. I'll even let you choose."

  Mel felt a stab of pity for the man. He had no idea how wrong this whole conversation had been. "Thank you for the truly tempting offer," she began carefully, "but I'm going to have to refuse. I have plans tonight and I'm just about to finish work for the day."

  His grin faltered, as he looked shaken. Mel's heart ached in sympathy. "Well, if you're sure…maybe another time, then."

  Mel managed to smile politely before making as dignified an exit as she could.

  As she reached the stairs down to her floor, she clearly heard him say, "Shit!"

  Indeed, she thought, remembering that her plans tonight included stopping at the supermarket to pick up some toilet cleaner on her way home so she could clean the porcelain receptacle. It's not like she'd lied to him about having plans…

  Ten

  There was something oddly satisfying about a freshly-scrubbed toilet. Perhaps it was the way the reflective white porcelain shone. Or maybe it was simply the knowledge that it would be a whole week before she had to inhale bleach fumes again.

  "Mel? What's for dinner?" she heard Raphael call.

  There was a surprise. He'd wandered in and let himself in with the spare key without telling her he was coming. Had he heard about Luce's ill-conceived attempt at seduction already?

  She found Raphael in the kitchen, chugging a beer. "Ooh, I haven't had one of those in a while," she said. "Are there more in the…thank you." She took the open Rogers and smiled as she sipped from the stubby. "So, did you bring me dinner, too?"

  Mel registered Raphael's shock and laughed. "If you want me to cook dinner for you, you'll have to call in advance to let me know. I've been running around after demons all day and I'm done for. I was going to make a sandwich or head up to the little Japanese place by Canning Highway. Take your pick and we'll do it."

  "How about I go pick up some Japanese and bring it back here? Tempura and tofu?" Raphael offered.

  Mel smiled. "If you're offering to buy me dinner with all the extras, you're going to be asking for another favour before the night's out. I shall sit here, drink my beer, and wait for you." She settled on the sofa, bottle in hand. It looked like the neighbours' kitten had sneaked in and curled up on her desk shelf again. The tiny creature would've fitted on a saucer with space to spare. She decided to let it sleep for a bit longer before she carried it home to its owners.

  Raphael left and returned with their bento-boxed dinner. Mel used his absence to set the table with chopsticks and condiments, before brewing a pot of traditional Japanese tea.

  After slurping artfully at his udon, Raphael paused to wipe his face with a napkin. "How's work?" he asked, fishing for more noodles with his chopsticks.

  "I spend all day doing random tasks for demons. If I told you half the pointless things they make me do, you wouldn't believe it. My reports have to be perfect and approved by my superior, Lili. Then she sends the document up to the person she reports to, who makes any changes they want, who then sends it further up the chain for everyone else to do the same…until it ends up on the CEO's desk for him to approve for release. If the CEO likes it, great, but if he decides that one of the commas inserted by someone along the chain isn't where he wants a comma, the report is dumped on my desk with a nasty note or, worse, a demon in person, demanding to know why I'd make such a mistake and insisting I fix it immediately. If I don't, I'm assigned some even less appealing task to do on top of my existing workload…" She wondered if she should tell him exactly what Luce had ordered her to do, but it'd probably shock poor Raphael.

  "I would believe it. It sounds like the old government approval process the demons inherited when they took on the contracts. Humans can be even more bureaucratic than demons where government business is involved." Raphael transferred what looked like a piece of chicken into his mouth, followed by more noodles and a big slurp of broth. "Any sign of Lucifer yet?"

  Mel hesitated. She was certain the CEO was the Lord of Hell. It felt too far-fetched, though. What could Lucifer possibly want with Western Australia? Weren't there more populated places he should look to conquer first? She wanted more time to find out what he was up to before she left HELL. But she had to say something – Raphael expected a response. "What does he look like? I think I might have seen him once, ages ago. I'm sure his time in Hell has changed him since then."

  Raphael shrugged. "We have no idea what he looks like. He changes his form more often than humans today change clothes – he's so good at it, he could pick exactly what would best attract a human. Even as an angel, he was like that. Now…Hell, he could be anyone. Look like anyone. It's his soul you'd recognise. Once you know him, it's hard for him to hide. He has the blackest, most corrupt soul of any demon I've ever met. Charming to a fault, always looking for a way to seduce you to do exactly what he wants. Using any means necessary. Be glad you've never met him, Mel. He's not someone you want to go up against."

  "But that's why I'm there, doing whatever menial office tasks his minions come up with, isn't it? To spot him and take over from him?" Mel asked, selecting another piece of tofu.

  "NO!" Raphael dropped the clump of noodles back into his bowl so suddenly it splashed soup across the table. "If you spot him, get out and tell me. He's dangerous. Avoid him at all costs, Mel. Do you know what he'd do to you if he knew who you were and what you can do?"

  Mel smiled. "I'm Melody Angel, an office temp who can photocopy a few thousand pages without swearing when the photocopier gets its seventeenth paper jam. Who can answer the phone politely and transfer calls when I get a dozen misplaced calls that should have gone to Reception, some demon or even a building company in Osborne Park with an almost identical number to mine. Raphael, honestly – he'd probably just offer me a permanent job as his office assistant." She laughed. "To be honest, that's not a bad idea – I'd be well-placed to see everything that goes on and…"

  "That's not a joke, Mel. He offered Camael and Samael jobs in his legal department and now I can't get them to take my calls or even speak to me. If he offers you a job, promise me you won't take it. Please, Mel!"

  Mel had never seen Raphael look quite this scared. "First, tell me what you haven't yet."

  "I promised…I swore…" Raphael stammered.

  "You owe me more than that," Mel said, her voice deceptively soft. "You will tell me why. What danger does Lucifer pose to me alone?"

  "He'll take you to Hell with him. Michael saw it. If he ever gets close enough to you to ask for your help, he won't let you go. Your destiny will be to descend into Hell with him."

  Mel's voice dropped lower. "When did Michael see this?"

  Raphael swallowed. "Before…before the battle when Lucifer fell. Michael swore he'd win, so he could keep you safe. He asked me to help hide you from Lucifer in any way I could. I've tried – for centuries, I've tried! – but none of us, not even Michael, expected him to take over HELL Corporation personally. And here, of all places, where I know you keep a permanent house to stay in when you're on one of your sabbaticals. I had no one else here to ask – but I don't want you to take any unnecessary risks." He stared at her, as if weighing his guilt. "Please, Mel. None of us wants to see you in Hell. Is there anyone you've seen at the HELL Corporation that you might think is Lucifer?"

  Mel sighed. "The CEO might be. I don't know the demon at all. He goes by the nam
e Luce Iblis. Look, it's only a suspicion – the attempts I've seen him make at seduction weren't the sort to be successful. They were just plain sad. The man's definitely a demon of some kind, but Lili seems a far nastier piece of work. Get Gabi here. She'd be able to recognise him, if he is indeed Lucifer. And if not…well, at least I'd have some help around the office. The photocopying is tedious, to say the least."

  "Yes! I'll call Gabi in the morning. We can't be too careful. It could just be a ploy to get you to drop your guard after all. She'll help you in any way she can. I swear it." Raphael slurped up the last noodle and grinned as he set his bowl back on the table.

  Mel raised her beer in a toast. "To a better day tomorrow, then," she said. After all, it could hardly be worse than today.

  Eleven

  "It's Gerry's birthday on the weekend and we're all putting in to get him a present," announced Merih. "What does everyone think about a new tablet and a mankini?"

  Mel thought it would be quite expensive, but she didn't say so. She also wondered why Gerry's manager wanted him to have a mankini. She assumed that was a matter between the two of them.

  Merih's eyes swept the room. "So we're agreed, then?"

  Some heads nodded slowly. Merih's eyes darted to each member of the group before fixing on Mel. "I'll take care of the tablet. Mel, could you arrange a mankini?"

  Mel was taken aback. Why would she know where to get a mankini? "I wouldn't know where to start. I've never bought one before." She'd be content to never buy one at all, nor see one on any man she knew.

  Merih laughed. "Ah, you'll be fine. I'll leave it to you. We need it for tomorrow, so hurry up!"

  Mel saw Lili nod, smiling, so she resigned herself to the task. Executive officers execute orders, she reminded herself.

  She sat at her computer and searched for mankinis. She discovered that they used to come as a free gift with Borat DVDs, but not any more. There were plenty on eBay, but there was no way she'd have it by tomorrow. All the other hits were pictures of men who owned a mankinis – one had huge tufts of black hair sticking out of it – or ads for sex shops.

  She opened up tabs for a few and steeled herself for unpleasant research. She let out her breath in a relieved hiss as she clicked on the first page. It featured a warning message, telling her the page had been blocked because it might contain pornographic content.

  It's a sex shop, Mel thought. Of course it might contain pornographic content.

  She clicked on the web address again, but the site was still blocked. She tried the next and the next…but they were all blocked. She jumped up and trotted over to Lili's cubicle.

  "Ah, Lili?"

  "Mmm?"

  "I can't seem to find a mankini online, because the sex shops are blocked." Her voice carried over the cubicles and some heads popped up to glance at Mel before slowly shrinking out of sight.

  "You can't look at sex toys at work," Lili whispered.

  Mel was both annoyed and confused. "But don't we regulate prostitutes and brothels?"

  Lili gave her the smile that made Mel feel stupid. "Yes, but not adult shops." She kept her voice low. "I guess you'll just have to go out to one and see what they have. Ring them first, though."

  Mel lowered her voice to match Lili's. "I don't know where they are. I've never been into a sex shop. I wouldn't know what to ask for."

  "Oh, the nearest one is on Murray Street," Lili said dismissively. "It's called XXX or something. Their number should be in the phone book – ring them and I'll escort you there so you don't get lost."

  Mel rang the number on the phone book's website and explained to the chirpy woman on the phone what she was after.

  "Oh, we have them in several colours. Which would you like? They're part of the Bang Him range, sweetie." Mel wondered if the woman was testing out the merchandise under the phone desk, she sounded so cheerful.

  "What colours do they come in?"

  "Oh, there's fluorescent green and pink, black lycra and black leather with or without studs, sweetie. I highly recommend the studs." The woman gave an excited giggle.

  "Green," Mel said firmly. "Is it okay if I pick it up this afternoon?"

  "Sure, sweetie," the woman purred. "We have plenty more in the Bang Him range that you might like."

  Mel ended the call as quickly and politely as she could.

  She and Lili drove to the adult shop and parked right out front, as Lili insisted, though it's not as if the shop had a back entrance or rear car park.

  Inside the shop, they were greeted by an excited woman clad in black and silver latex. She couldn't stop expressing how thrilled she'd be to help them. Mel wondered whether this was the suspected product-tester she'd spoken to on the phone.

  "We're here for the mankini? I rang earlier?" Mel asked hesitantly.

  "Absolutely! Let me show you the whole range," the woman gushed. Her name badge read 'Mitzi'.

  She took both girls over to a display that was clearly the province of the Bang Him range. Mel leaned over to look more closely at a strange-shaped item before she read the name and decided she didn't want to know what it did.

  "Are you sure you want the green, sweetie?" Mitzi cooed, her hand waving toward a studded black vinyl number.

  Mel choked as she spotted a dildo so big she wondered how anyone could use it for anything but decoration.

  Lili answered, "Green would be lovely. It's for a work colleague."

  "Oh, how delightful," Mitzi said with a wink. "Is there anything else you'd like?"

  Mel tried to work out why they had a display of dildos with tentacles and what looked like strange torture implements, at 30% off, no less, in honour of the release of 'Monsters in the Dark', whatever they were, then decided that she didn't want to know that, either. Surely monsters should be kept in the dark, where they belonged…

  "No, thank you," Mel managed to say, swallowing hard. She decided she'd rather be in Hell than here.

  Twelve

  "Good morning, Gerry brought photos!" Lili told Mel as she arrived on Monday morning of another fresh week in HELL.

  "Of what?" Mel asked, her mouth watering at the aroma of Lili's coffee.

  Lili took a slow sip, savouring the taste with her eyes closed, before she swallowed and said, "Pictures his wife took of the mankini. He loved it – you're officially his favourite person in the office!"

  Mel was ready to jump Lili for the coffee, she was panting for one. "Great." She forced herself to walk away.

  Unlike Lili, Mel's budget didn't stretch to include expensive barista brew from the award-winning coffee shop downstairs, so she took her plain mug to the kitchen for some of the free instant stuff.

  She grimaced as she took her first mouthful of watery, brown sludge, but the caffeine began to take effect, however crappy it tasted. She opened her email.

  Gerry's big "THANK YOU!" email came with a slideshow. She clicked it open as she took another sip of her cup of almost-coffee – and almost spat it out on the monitor screen. By the time she was done with the slideshow, she knew that Gerry loved his mankini, it fitted him perfectly, he didn't have huge tufts of black hair poking out of it, and his wife really liked Gerry's reverse view, bisected by green lycra. Wait, were those her lips?

  Mel decided that she sincerely hoped Gerry won the lottery that night. She wasn't sure she could look at him without thinking of his green mankini and arse-kissing wife.

  Fighting to keep her coffee in her mouth, she clicked on the next email at random, certain that it couldn't shock her more than the first. It was from a man she didn't know named Dan. It sounded like a nice, safe name.

  She read it. She read it again, before deciding to find Lili. Surely it wasn't possible. This sounded like the story she'd been reading on the train.

  Lili was riveted by something on her computer screen. Mel hoped it wasn't a disturbing PowerPoint presentation.

  She cleared her throat. "Am I supposed to get conspiracy hoax emails?"

  Lili looked up, annoyance clear
ly written across her face. "What?"

  "Is there really an alien invasion?" Mel asked slowly, feeling silly.

  "Aliens?" Lili looked blank for a moment. "Oh, yes, probably. You mean Dan's assessment that 'alien invaders don't hold back and if we're serious neither should we,' something about Yanks and 'collateral damage'?"

  Mel nodded.

  "Well, depending on what they'll affect, we'll probably have to handle it in some capacity. Health, environment, life, lands…justice for whoever let them in…it all comes down to us."

  Mel found her voice. "But, seriously…space aliens?"

  Lili laughed. "If there are space aliens, we'd be the ones dealing with them. Dan's probably just talking about cane toads again."

  "Oh." Mel sighed in relief.

  "We'll have the Department of Defence to help with space aliens," Lili said. "For the terrestrial kind, we're on our own. Defence isn't any use against cane toads."

  Thirteen

  "Don't forget, software training today!" Lili called as Mel headed to the lunchroom in search of a hot drink. Mel nodded and kept walking. She just had time to get the tea and take it to the training room.

  Slipping into a seat in the back row, she sipped her tea silently in the darkened room. A PowerPoint presentation lit the screen as well as a nervous Nybbas, who trembled at the front with a wobbling laser pointer in his hand. He looked more scared than she did, standing in front of an audience, Mel mused.

  The trainer Mel recognised from her orientation, who she now knew was called Sil, shifted a tiny video camera on a tripod, angling it so it pointed right at Nybbas. "Right. As long as you stay between the tables and the screen, you're in the picture. We can send the training video out to all our regional offices as soon as this session's done."

  Nybbas nodded, gnawing on his lip.

  "And…you're live!" Sil sang out.

  A sickly smile spread across Nybbas' face. "Good morning, er afternoon, er morning, ladies and gentlemen. Today I'm here to tell you how excited I am!" Between his gritted teeth and his stiff-armed pose, Mel's mind suggested several words that would be more appropriate than excited.