China set up the meeting with Nathan, who seemed very kind and understanding. She was relieved that she’d taken a difficult but necessary step towards mending her marriage with Sam. She’d never even tried counselling in her previous relationships, but she was more mature now, had made a bigger investment, and still loved Sam albeit with an aching heart.
China worked hard at her carving and was thrilled to make a good profit at the Fall Fair that was held at the Town Hall. Sam joined China later for the barbecue and bonfire on the beach. Actually there was a pretty fair mix of aboriginal and white artists who made a profit that day. The population swelled to about 2500 with the influx of tourists and urban Grimshaws from Halifax and the environs. It was quite a party and everyone put aside their usual grumbles to enjoy the beautiful day.
~ ~
China and Sam were both anxious at the first session with Nathan. China felt like a naughty schoolgirl in front of the principal. Sam just looked plain nervous. Nathan, in his early sixties, looked like a benevolent, thin, Santa Claus with a grey beard, and reading glasses perched on the middle of his surprisingly tiny nose. After some polite chatter about the weather, Nathan got down to business.
“First of all, I have two important questions to ask. Are you both committed to doing the work necessary to solve the problems?”
China and Sam responded affirmatively.
“Are either of you having an affair?”
“No,” said China.
“No,” said Sam.
“I realize I’m being rather blunt but it’s my experience that if there’s a third party involved, the problems will be a lot more difficult to resolve.”
Nathan looked severely at Sam and China. They once again shook their heads, and he smiled and continued the session with more cheer.
China knew that infidelity had been the main problem with Sam’s first marriage, but she was also sure it wasn’t the problem with her and Sam. Lying was the main problem. She and Sam left an hour later with personality tests they both had to fill out and pass in before the next session. Nathan needed to know what kind of people they were before he could give them clues on how to communicate.
“In the beginning,” said Nathan, “I’ll need to see you both once a week and then a session together the following week. If you feel the need to schedule more time, that can be arranged. Please feel free to call me at any time.”
China and Sam dutifully sat down after supper to fill in the blanks of the Myers Briggs test. Sam slouched in front of the television while China sat primly at the kitchen table.
“China, what did you answer for question four in the A section?” asked Sam.
“None of your business,” replied China.
“It’s very ambiguous. Either answer could be the right one.”
“There’s no right or wrong answer Sam. We’re not being graded on this.”
“So, tell me your answer.”
“No. It’s your test. I don’t want to do your work for you.”
“You’re not doing my work,” Sam persisted in a reasonable tone. “I’m just curious.”
China didn’t reply. She ignored Sam and continued answering the questions. She found some of the questions very silly and didn’t agonize forever over her response.
“China?” asked Sam. “I don’t see what difference it makes who decides what restaurant we go to as long as we eat.”
“Right,” mumbled China.
“So, what did you answer?” nagged Sam.
“Sam, will you please shut up? I’m trying to answer a bunch of stupid questions as quickly as I can so I can get to bed. We’re not supposed to do the questions together. It’s a personality test, not a legal document requiring endless discussion and carefully worded answers. All they want is a check mark or a friggin’ circle!”
“So, I take it you’re not going to answer my question?”
“NO!” yelled China. “What part of no do you not understand? You’re not being ethical Sam. I’m going upstairs to finish this.”
She stomped upstairs angrily. I’m arguing ethics to a compulsive liar? I definitely need counseling, thought China.
~ ~
China opened the dictionary to try and define Sam’s particular method of lying. Was Sam a compulsive liar or a pathological liar? Compulsive was described as being obsessive; an irresistible impulse to perform an irrational act. Pathological: relating to pathology; something abnormal, deviation from an assumed normal state that caused disease. Still not clear. She was hoping that her private session with Nathan would help her understand how deep Sam’s urge was to lie.
“Nathan, I caught Sam reading my journal once when we were on our honeymoon. He promised not to touch it again, but I’m not so sure he kept that promise. Some of my files were out of order, and sometimes it seemed that the journal had moved since I last wrote in it. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being paranoid.”
“How did you feel when you discovered Sam reading it?”
“Not good. When I got angry, Sam said I had a secret desire for him to read it because I left it in plain view on the bed.”
“Do you agree with that?”
“Not at all. I usually put it away, but sometimes I forget.”
“We’ll bring it up with Sam in our next session together. Is there anything else you want to discuss today?”
“Yes. Sam lies a lot and even though I’ve told him how much it disturbs me, he doesn’t seem able to stop. I guess I want to know if you can fix him.”
Nathan smiled. “I’ll need a lot more sessions with Sam before I can answer that one. Even if he’s willing to do the work, he may never reach the level of honesty you’ll feel comfortable with. It’s partly cultural and that root runs long and deep.”
China found the counselling experience rather unsettling. She left Nathan’s office feeling liberated, validated, and more confused than ever, her mind seething with questions that couldn’t be answered until more work had been done. She wanted all the answers now. She wanted immediate results, but she also realized that counselling was a process that would lead to a place she couldn’t foresee.
Two days later it was Sam’s turn for his session and it also made him edgy. They both had trouble sleeping. China was a bundle of nerves and her stomach was reacting badly. She hadn’t felt horny in a long time and Sam seemed quite happy to just ‘saw one off’ before falling into a restless slumber. China didn’t really mind. It was a warm encounter of the placebo kind.
~ ~
The next week China grabbed a big bottle of water and she and Sam went to see Nathan together. She’d discovered that stress made her very thirsty. Nathan explained the results of the Myers Briggs questionnaire. Sam was a passive aggressive personality and indirect. China was an aggressive personality and very direct. Two different kinds of aggressive behaviour trying to live together wasn’t an easy combination. Nathan explained that in a marriage one party was usually dominant and the other was submissive. China and Sam were both dominant. The test also revealed the neither of them were good at handling emotional issues. Sam’s way of dealing with emotion was to block it out and cheerfully pretend that all was well. China’s method was to blow up and seemingly calm down, but not really let go until her distress had been secretly validated and analyzed in her journal.
Something inside China nudged her towards her next question.
“Nathan, do you think that writing everything in my journal exaggerates or intensifies ordinary feelings?”
“Yes and no,” replied Nathan with a smile. “I keep a journal myself. It’s a process. When you record intense anger, you’ll usually gentle that anger later on with understanding and insights. Not too many people are concerned with inner sight. This is another area where you and Sam differ greatly. He is mainly concerned with the outside world, with little time for inner reflection. China, your inner world is very important to you as an artist and as a woman. How would you feel about never writing in your journal again?”
“Terrible! I can’t stop writing. It would be easier to give up sculpting, and if I couldn’t sculpt, I...I’d write all the time, or...go crazy!” replied China in a panicky voice.
“China,” asked Nathan carefully, “isn’t there a particular matter you want to talk to Sam about?”
“Yes. Yes I do. It hurt like hell when I caught Sam reading my journal.”
“China, look at Sam, not at me, and tell him how you feel.”
China looked at Sam and blinked at the tears welling in her eyes.
“Sam, I don’t ever want you to read my journal again.”
“China,” said Nathan gently. “Try not to talk in ultimatums. Just tell him how you feel.”
A lot of good that does, thought China. She dutifully spoke her words trying to use the new language of communication Nathan had demonstrated. One must remove all “you shoulds and I thinks and replace them with “perhaps-you-could-try-tos and I feels.”
“Sam,” said China carefully. “I feel violated when you read my journal.”
Sam remained silent and just looked at Nathan.
“You can reply to her Sam,” said Nathan.
“I’m sorry,” said Sam meekly.
“Is that all right with you China?” asked Nathan.
Oh God, thought China miserably, what kind of weird charade are we playing here?
“No,” said China angrily. “It’s not all right because I don’t think you mean it.”
“What’s the point in apologizing if that’s going to be your attitude,” said Sam sarcastically.
“You say you’re sorry but I’m not convinced you understand,” cried China miserably. She grabbed the box of tissues and blew her nose.
“Sam,” said Nathan with infinite patience. “What China is trying to explain is that a journal is first of all very private. It is also a journey. It is not absolute and unchangeable. You could very easily misinterpret what she has written.”
“I read that she wanted to leave me,” said Sam unhappily.
“Oh Sam,” wailed China. “That’s exactly the point. It’s what I thought, not what I did. How many married couples have you heard threatening divorce every five minutes when they’re angry about something? It’s a release. You should be thankful for my journal. Otherwise you’d get yelled at a lot more often.”
China gulped some water and Sam grinned shamefacedly at China’s attempt to bring a little humour to the tense proceedings.
“Sam,” said Nathan seriously. “China feels that something extremely important and private has been violated and she needs your reassurance that it won’t happen again.”
“Okay,” said Sam contritely. “I promise I’ll never read your journal again.”
China looked carefully at Sam and uttered her next words wanting with all her heart to believe that what he had just said was true.
“I believe you,” said China.
She and Sam looked at each other with truth and trust in their eyes and China believed that an important step had been taken towards healing.
China and Sam felt like shaky survivors as they walked out to the car. China felt as high as a kite. The session with Sam felt very different than her private session with Nathan. It was even more upsetting and intensely emotional. It seemed to her that ‘the marriage’ became another being that swirled unseen around the room, sometimes lurking behind Nathan’s chair, sometimes sitting in Sam’s lap, sometimes in hers, as the three of them tried to wrestle with the troublesome entity known as ‘the marriage.’
“Well, I think I came off really well this time,” said Sam jokingly as they walked to the car.
China laughed and took Sam’s hand. They went home and made love and China had three powerful orgasms while swimming on a tide of forgiveness and the elation of believing.
~ ~
Nathan wasn’t charging them very much but the sessions were starting to cause trouble with the budget. Sam went to the Council and was able to get his sessions subsidized.
“Sam,” she commented, “I’m surprised you don’t mind having your private business known at the Council and therefore throughout the whole village.”
“Nothing is a secret on this island,” replied Sam. “Besides, there isn’t one family that hasn’t had therapy, intervention, or criminals, at one time or another.”
“How very reassuring,” said China sarcastically.
She was curious about what Sam and Nathan discussed in their private sessions.
“Sam,” she asked, “what did you and Nathan talk about today?”
“Nothing much. I couldn’t think of anything.”
Oh God, thought China, maybe I should write him out a list. Most people would be thrilled to spill their inner fears to an impartial, licensed, therapist.
“Maybe you should make a list of things that pop into your head,” suggested China. “That’s what I do.”
“That’s a good idea,” said Sam, looking like his beloved wife had just suggested he put his penis in a meat grinder.
China wondered how long it would take before she’d receive some sign that Sam had changed. She assumed that his quiet, less cheerful, demeanor meant that he was mulling and musing and picking his way through the brambles towards a new path, as yet untravelled by Sam Eagle, that would eventually intersect with China’s. The path that would lead them both to a happier marriage and a new life together.
~ ~
The Cradle
China awoke with a bad pain in her abdomen. She probed her belly and her fingers discovered a large swelling near her groin. She went to see her doctor, who sent her for an ultrasound the next day. She liked Dr. Jesse. She was the no-nonsense type who had arrived on the island five years ago for a locum and she and her husband, a dentist, decided to stay. They were definitely a welcome addition to the population.
“China,” said Dr. Jesse. “I’m making an appointment for you in Halifax with the Chief of Oncology, Dr. Chipman.”
“What?” exclaimed China frantically. “Do you think it’s a tumour?”
“No,” said Jesse calmly. “The Chief of Oncology is also a Gynecologist. I think it’s a big, ugly ovarian cyst but we can’t be sure until they operate. Also, you’ve put off the hysterectomy long enough, so Dr. Chipman will do that at the same time, and take care of that nagging bladder problem. I’ve made an appointment for you next week. You may have to come back home and wait for the operation to be scheduled but I think Dr. Chipman will decide to operate as soon as possible.”
China walked home feeling very fragile and wishing that Dr. Jesse wasn’t quite so no-nonsense. She told Sam the good news. He also had some good news.
“Larry and I just landed a big client with the Ojibway Cree in Northern Ontario. They’re battling with Ontario Hydro over water rights and river pollution.”
“That’s great,” said China automatically. “When do you have to go?”
“Next week. We can take the ferry together and I’ll stay with you in Halifax overnight. We’ll celebrate with a nice hotel.”
That’s nice Sam, thought China. We’ll celebrate your new client, and I’ll celebrate having my old insides torn out and possible cancer.
Nathan was distressed that the counseling would be interrupted just as they had gotten started. He told China to call him as soon as she felt well enough to schedule the next appointment. China felt as though she’d been hit with a ton of bricks. She was in survival mode and her marriage and Sam’s behaviour were the least of her worries.
~ ~
China and Sam tried to sleep on the ferry that took them to the mainland and her appointment with the Chief of Oncology. China supposed that to doctors a body was an annoying cavern holding secrets from them. She knew her body intimately but still it held secrets from her, surprises. It often let her down. It often felt to her as though it had a life of its own, would not listen to her will, and simply allowed her to stay for an indeterminate length of time. She controlled her mind and her soul, although her soul seemed to have a
better connection with her body than her mind did. Her soul was the mediator, the conduit between her mind and her body. Her lovely body had betrayed her, there was a war going on, her soul was confused and the allies, the doctors, had been called in to mediate, settle the differences, or pronounce the country not worth saving.
Sam tossed above her in a bunk as uncomfortable as hers. She won the bottom bed due to her weak bladder that needed frequent access to the bathroom. Had Sam’s never-ending assaults on her body weakened her organs, or was it just time and gravity and giving birth?
Is Sam up there tossing and regretting his decision of not marrying a young one? Men-a-pause is not a pretty picture. The physical changes are bad enough but the anger of middle-aged women is not to be believed. Anger directed at their poor, wicked husbands.
Things have changed, Sam. On the first ferry trip to the island, we slept together on the lower bunk. You were still on top though. The rocking motion of the ferry copied the rocking of my hips, my womb the cradle that rocked us both to sleep.
Silent tears welled in China’s eyes and slipped like miniature rivers into her pillow. How many times had she felt the knot in her belly each time Sam lied, each time the rent was due, or a bill not paid? Each time he left her alone in a village full of strangers. The words that often passed through China’s mind, I’ve got a knot in my belly, had become physical reality. She vowed to be more careful about the thoughts she sent out into the universe.
~ ~
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