At the cancer center in Halifax, China answered a million questions while Sam read magazines, or paced, listening to the thoughts that only he had access to. Then, a student doctor examined China, probed for hours it seemed. China watched her face and saw the concern when she felt the cyst. Then the student doctor called in the big gun, the specialist. Dr. Chipman, Chief of Oncology, walked in, glanced very briefly at China’s face and then his bespectacled eyes zeroed in on his specialty, the place between her thighs, spread-eagled, foot-stirruped, for his lordly scrutiny. China sat up, held out her hand, and introduced herself.
“Hi, I’m China Collins.”
“I’m Dr. Chipman. How do you do?”
They shook hands between her legs.
“That remains to be seen,” answered China sharply.
Dr. Chipman smiled warily as China lay back down on the table and submitted to the stranger’s intrusion.
Fuck him, thought China, I’ll be damned if he’s going to enter me without a proper introduction.
Quick, cool hands touched, probed and exited in a matter of seconds. The doctor smiled at China, told her to get dressed and meet him in his office. Will I get a cup of tea, she wondered?
Sam was found, pulled away from his inscrutable thoughts into the rude world of his wife’s anatomy rendered impersonal by the medical establishment. The doctor, the nurse, the student doctor, and Mr. and Mrs. Eagle, all scuttled into a small sterile room inhabited by a couch, several plastic chairs and a lonely plant. Sam sprawled on the couch while China and the medical team perched on the plastic chairs. China was shaking because the nurse and the student doctor looked terribly concerned and nervous. The doctor was quite cool as he outlined the procedures and then asked her to sign for removal of ovaries still functioning, a fallen uterus no longer needed, an ovarian tumour slash cyst never wanted, and a bladder bolstering desperately needed.
“We really can’t be sure if it’s a cyst or a tumour until we see it,” said Dr. Chipman. “We also need your permission to insert a catheter in your chest in case the tumour is cancerous and we need to start chemotherapy immediately.”
What? What’s he talking about? China started to feel panic thundering in her chest.
“Whoa,” said China. “Stop right there. IF, the cyst is cancerous, and I don’t think it is, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”
“Well,” said the Monster, “since you’re already in the hospital, if it is cancer, it’s much easier to insert the catheter right away. Veins often collapse due to the toxicity of chemotherapy and a chest catheter makes it easier for the nurses to administer the drugs.”
Ah, thought China, it’s all about money and not having to operate again in order to insert the catheter. The Monster is thinking about convenience and cover your ass, and I’m thinking about whether or not I’m going to scream and throw up or keep my dignity, which is leaking out of me at an alarming rate.
China took a deep breath, which wasn’t easy due to the shaking of her body, and told the Monster exactly what she was prepared to do.
“No, I will not sign for you to insert a catheter because I am an optimist and I need to go into the operation believing the best. If the cyst turns out to be a malignant tumour, I may decide not to have chemotherapy, but I’d rather cross that bridge when I come to it.”
The Monster and his cohorts looked at each other. Poor, deluded woman. We know terrified denial when we see it.
“Very well,” said the Monster. “Do you have any other questions?”
“Yes. When will I be admitted?” asked China.
“Tomorrow noon. We’ll operate early the following day.”
“So soon? I thought I’d have to wait at least a couple of weeks.”
The Monster smiled reassuringly.
“We had a cancellation.”
I wonder who died, thought China. She looked at Sam and was horrified at the sight of him laying back against the couch, seeming to be asleep, his hands clasped across his big belly. When did Sam put on thirty more pounds? When did he get so sloppy about shaving? Sam’s unshaven jowls spilled unbecomingly over his non-existent neck onto his chest, his splayed legs and sloppy posture the very picture of defeat.
“Do you have any questions, Sam?” asked China.
“I don’t think so,” said Sam dazedly.
Christ, thought China, sitting rigidly upright on the edge of her chair, is he awake? Did he have to give up so easily? Couldn’t he at least give the appearance of all is well, not to worry, we’ll lick this minor problem? No, the Warrior sat there like a wet wimp, like the disgusting toad in Star Wars. What was his name?
China suddenly saw herself as the Monster saw her. An attractive, intelligent, brave woman, married to a drooling idiot, poor thing. No support there. Guess she’s on her own.
The doctor said his goodbyes and the nurse had the temerity to tell China that chemotherapy worked really well with ovarian cancer.
“Excuse me,” said China. “You don’t understand. I choose to believe that I don’t have cancer and I do not wish to discuss any further treatment until after the operation. One misery at a time. Come on Sam.”
They picked up China’s sheet of instructions at the front desk and walked to the parking lot without saying a word. They got in the car and Sam turned the key. As the motor roared to life China started to sob.
“Turn it off!” she screamed. “I can’t go anywhere. I need to think.”
Sam turned the key in the ignition and waited while China let loose a vicious rant.
“Son of a bitch! Who the hell does he think he is talking to me like that? Boy, does the threat of cancer put life into perspective big time! I’m not wasting any more time Sam. We’re getting an apartment in Halifax as soon as I’m on my feet. I’m not waiting any longer for you to make up your mind about where you live. I want two thousand dollars in my savings account immediately so that when I’m able, I’m going to get an apartment here and you can live here with me or not, I don’t care. You don’t make any sense Sam. This operation doesn’t make any sense. Unless it’s my body telling me that your lies are making me ill. No more lies! No more living where you want me to live while you fly all over this country. This is what I get for loving you? Can you do that for me Sam? Can you put that money in the bank so that I know I’ll have a future? Can you do that?”
“Sure,” said Sam, scared by China’s violent outburst. “I’ll put the money in your account in a couple of weeks.”
“Do you promise Sam? Do you promise?” China sobbed.
“I promise,” said Sam.
“Okay, now take me back to the hotel.”
China called her cousin, Margaret, who was a nurse in Toronto, for reassurance.
“China, they’re just covering their asses. The doctors are afraid of being sued. The nurse and student doctor were witnesses. People don’t listen. They hear what they want to hear. Years ago they told you nothing. Now, they tell you more than you want to hear so you can’t say you weren’t informed to a fare thee well.”
“But did he have to be so cruel?” cried China. “He doesn’t know me. I just met him and he treated me like I was a speck of dust.”
“He’s the Chief of Oncology China. You’ve got the best. He’s a surgeon, not your best friend. It’s better he doesn’t know you. That’s how most surgeons operate, pun intended. You did fine China. Most people would have gone like a lamb to the slaughter. You stuck up for your rights. He’s already impressed by your resistance. He’ll treat you right. Don’t worry.”
China hung up and looked at Sam lying on the bed.
“Margaret says he’s an excellent surgeon and not to worry. He was just covering his ass so I won’t sue him later. Isn’t that nice?”
“I wouldn’t want his job. Doctors are special breeds. From another planet. Come here,” said Sam opening his arms.
China lay in the warm comfort of Sam’s big body, wishing that his actions were as comfortable and reassuring as his body.
“Sam, you have to go to the drug store and get me that stuff to clean me out. You’d better get a scented candle too.”
“Maybe I should go to a bar for a few hours.”
“Good idea Sam. That would be very supportive of you.”
“That was a joke China. Anything else you need?”
“No. Why don’t you go somewhere for dinner? Maybe your Mom would like to join you. I don’t want to torture myself watching you eat.”
“I’ll eat alone. You don’t want my mother butting in right now, do you?”
“No!” exclaimed China quickly. “Don’t tell anyone until after the operation. I’ll call Jane now and then I’ll call Sarah. That’s it. I don’t want anyone else to know.”
Sam left and China called her daughter, who was waiting to hear the news.
“Hi, my beauty,” said China.
“Mom! What did the doctor say?” asked Jane quickly.
“They don’t know if it’s a cyst or a tumour but they have to operate to find out.”
“A tumour?”
“Don’t panic Jane. I’m sure it isn’t, but whatever it is, it’s big and it’s got to come out. They’ll do the hysterectomy at the same time. Wasn’t it clever of me to wait for the cyst so I wouldn’t have to have two operations?”
“You’re being silly. Do you want me to come?”
“No, sweetie. Sam is here, at least for a couple of days. You can’t afford the trip and we can’t pay for it either. And what about Tina? No, don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”
“Mom, why do you have to live so far away?” cried Jane miserably.
“I won’t be for much longer. We’re moving to Halifax.”
“You are? When?”
“It’s a new decision. I’ll talk to you about it later. Right now I’ve got other things on my mind.”
“Tell Sam to call me right after the operation.”
“You’re first on the list.”
“I love you Mom,” said Jane. China could hear the tears in her voice.
“I love you too, sweetie. I’ll talk to you as soon as the anesthetic wears off.”
China hung the phone up very gently and sobbed into her pillow. She knew that Jane was crying too, holding a pillow to her belly, the way she always cried, ever since she was old enough to hold a pillow. China wiped her face, drank a tall glass of cold water, and enjoyed every drop since it was her last for a while. Then she called Sarah who listened quietly.
“How’s Sam taking it?” asked Sarah finally.
“I don’t really know,” said China. “And I don’t really care. This is about me, not him. He probably feels helpless.”
“Is he going to be there?”
“Oh, he’ll be here for the operation, but he has to leave a couple of days after. Jane wants to come but I told her not to. She’s got her job and I don’t want her to take Tina out of school. No, it’s impossible, besides when I’m miserable I like to be by myself. I have friends I can call for groceries and stuff.”
“I’ll come,” said Sarah.
“Can you?” asked China. “You don’t have to. Really, I can manage.”
“Doesn’t matter if you can or not. I’m coming. I can paint anywhere. Besides it’s a good excuse to get away for a while.”
“We can’t afford your ticket.”
“Not to worry. I’ll drive.”
“I love you, Sarah.”
“I love you back. I’ll be there in a couple of days. You and I know it’s just an ugly old cyst. When you wake up you can sneer at El Doctori and say I told you so, you idiot.”
China laughed and hung up feeling like a human being for the first time in hours. She also felt like she’d been wrung out and hung on a line to dry. Sam entered the hotel room with brown paper bags and a bucket of ice.
“Sam,” said China. “You’re not going to get drunk, are you?”
“The ice is for you to suck on, my lovely.”
“Oh Sam! Sometimes you know exactly what to do.”
“We’ll just watch TV and suck on ice chips in-between your trips to the bathroom.”
Just before China started to get all maudlin about Sam’s tender consideration, he redeemed himself.
“I suppose sex would be out of the question?” asked Sam hopefully.
China collapsed with laughter. He really was impossible.
“Absolutely not! I don’t want any semen swimming around in there when they open me up. I don’t want any rude comments by those callous nurses and interns.”
“All right, I understand. But just in case you get tired of sucking on ice chips.......”
“Shut up you insensitive clod!”
“Do you want me to describe what I had for dinner?”
China threw her pillow at Sam and went to the bathroom to bravely swallow the vile laxative.
When she came out Sam was lying on the bed watching TV.
“Are you all right?” asked Sam seriously.
“Yeah, I’m all right. For now. It takes a while to work you know. By the way, Sarah is coming.”
“That’s great,” lied Sam. “I didn’t like the idea of you being alone.”
He’s such a charming liar, thought China. Sometimes it’s charming and sometimes it’s not. He doesn’t like Sarah but he’s relieved that he has to go back to work. A charming nurse he is not. Besides, the best thing for him to do is go out and make his two thousand dollar promise. He’ll do it. He just won’t know what to do after that. Won’t know what I want to do. Neither do I. One step at a time.
~ ~
Footsteps
China awoke to good news, an absent cyst, uterus and ovaries, instant men-a-pause, and a bolstered bladder. Before she could gloat that the doctor had been a negative alarmist, he explained the operation.
“It was a very delicate operation,” said Dr. Chipman with satisfaction. “Those cysts can cause all kinds of damage when they twist around organs. I had to do a lot of cutting in there. You take it easy for a while and all should be fine. Your local Doctor can remove the staples in a couple of weeks.”
So, the good doctor was pleased that the operation had been difficult and delicate and China was pleased that all was well. Life was once again on an even keel as she drifted in and out of the morphine dream, gratefully happy to be benign and alive. Flowers from Jane and Sarah had arrived. No flowers from Sam but flowers weren’t his style. He thought the only gift worth giving was his penis and she was in no shape for that. Each time she drifted out of sleep she looked for Sam and he was either staring out the window or asleep in the chair beside her.
Sam awoke from his doze and quickly looked over at China who seemed to be sleeping peacefully. She’s still beautiful, he thought, even after that awful operation. Thank God she’s all right. She’s tougher than I am. Smarter than I am. She has a way with words that ties my tongue. She intimidates me with her sound. Sometimes I have to lie when she attacks me with her need for the truth. My only defense is...silence.
~ ~
Two days later Sam kissed her goodbye and she clung to him and decided to stay in the neutral zone of forgiveness for a few months. Because. Because she couldn’t leave him. Could not. Because of the way her blood still sang, the way her breath caught in her chest. Sometimes. When she looked at him.
The nurse came and took the morphine dream away and China started coping with pain. She was dying for a cup of Earl Grey tea and a piece of toast. The lunch tray arrived and so did Sarah looking very spiffy in perfectly creased trousers and an elegant jacket and not a black hair out of place. She kissed China and then lifted the cover on the lunch tray. The attendant who had delivered the lunch was smiling and gazing at Sarah with adoration.
“Oh my God,” gasped Sarah, her grey eyes widening with horror. “You can’t eat that!”
China grinned and the attendant’s smile faded.
“Take it away,” said Sarah firmly. “Bring her some soup and crackers.”
The tray disappeared and
China knew she’d be all right.
“Honestly,” said Sarah. “I don’t know how they expect patients to get better when they serve crap like that. Am I correct in assuming that this is your first meal? You haven’t had anything but water and juice in three days, right?”
China nodded weakly.
“And they have the nerve to bring you a turkey dinner complete with a lake of gravy. At least I assume those two gray slabs were turkey. I suppose they’ll bring you cold soup and soggy crackers. Never mind, I’ll smuggle in a kettle and a toaster and bring you some proper soup in a thermos and some fruit.”
“No,” said China. “I don’t want sweet. I want salt. Bring me some olives and chicken noodle soup and basmati rice with soya sauce.”
“Oh,” Sarah clapped her hands and rolled her eyes. “A feast fit for a morphine queen.”
China giggled carefully. “How was the drive down?”
“Fraught with terror, my dear. I narrowly missed intimate acquaintance with a very large moose. Speaking of moose, is your darling husband gone yet? Yes? Thank God. I was terrified I’d have to make polite conversation with the brute.”
The student nurse, Jenny, poked her head around the corner and asked China if she wanted her hair washed.
“That would be heaven, but how on earth are you going to do that?”
“I have my ways,” dimpled Jenny. “I’ll be right back.”
“What’s a beautiful child like that doing in a hospital wiping asses?” demanded Sarah.
“I don’t know but I’m grateful she’s here,” said China. “Why don’t you go shopping for my goodies and when you come back I’ll be looking gorgeous.”
“Humph, no way you can look gorgeous in a hospital but at least you’ll be clean. See you later darling.”
China lay back and surrendered to the pleasure of Jenny massaging her scalp and neck. The smell of the shampoo was heaven. How quickly we take things for granted, thought China with a loud sigh. Simple things like clean hair, health, and a good meal. Not to mention a good friend like Sarah.
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