Chasing Charlie

by Linda McLaughlan

  Ed and I exchanged looks.

  ‘Where were you going, Luke?’ I asked.

  Luke scooted his boat around and around. Rosie patted the water quietly, her round cheeks red from exhaustion.

  ‘Luke?’

  Luke looked up at me blankly.

  ‘Did you leave the park?’

  ‘I wanted an ice cream.’

  ‘You went for ice cream?’ Ed asked him very softly, and he nodded gently at the plastic boat.

  There was the sound of keys in the door.

  ‘Hiya, sorry I’m late!’ Kate called out happily.

  ‘We’re up here,’ Ed replied. My mouth went dry and my stomach turned over. I scrunched my toes and took a deep breath. Kate stood in the bathroom door.

  ‘Hi, darlings!’ she said, all smiles.

  ‘Mummy!’ Rosie reached out for her and Luke burst into tears. She reached out to get wet hugs and lifted them out of the bath into big towels.

  ‘How are my darlings – were you good for your uncle and Sam?’ Luke buried his face into her shoulder. Kate looked at us sitting there, not saying a word.

  ‘You two look stuffed. Did they run you into the ground?’

  ‘You could say that,’ Ed replied.

  ‘I’ll go down and put the kettle on.’ I disappeared down the stairs, cowardly leaving Ed to explain. I looked at the kitchen cupboards and tried to remember what I was meant to be doing. I felt yet more tears prickling behind my eyes but then Ed was there next to me, quietly getting a saucepan out and emptying some beans into it, putting on toast, finding a grater and some cheese.

  ‘How did she take it?’ I finally managed to ask.

  ‘I haven’t told her yet. I’ll get a cuppa in front of her first,’ he whispered. Then he stopped his activity and wrapped his arms around me.

  ‘It’s just one of those things, Sam, not anyone’s fault.’

  I leant against my friend for a moment, trying to hold back the wall of tears threatening, but pulled back when I heard the others coming down the stairs. Ed was still holding my arms and standing very close when Kate and two clean, pyjama-clad children came into the room. A flicker of amusement crossed Kate’s face but I didn’t acknowledge it.

  ‘How was the date?’ Ed asked.

  ‘I’ll tell you all about it once these monsters are in bed but, in short, it was great!’ Kate replied, beaming.

  Before I could say more, there was a knock on the door and Mara let herself in. Her quiet, measured tread in the hall gave her away. She stood at the kitchen door in her long dark blue woollen duffle, the left arm hanging loose with her sling underneath it. It must have been a mission to get ready and out of the house alone. She looked at Kate, at Ed and I, and finally at the kids about to tuck into baked beans.

  ‘Mara! What are you doing here? You should be at home.’ Kate rushed over to give her a hug.

  ‘Stop fussing!’ Mara held up a hand in protest, and I saw a glimpse of what a cantankerous eighty-plus-year-old Mara would be one day. Kate ignored her sister’s obstinacy as she hung Mara’s coat over the back of a chair while Mara trained her stern stare on her nephew, who was tucking happily into his beans.

  ‘You gave Sam and Ed a really big fright today.’

  ‘What did you do, you rascal?’ Kate joshed her son, her face still rosy from her date, her voice twinkly. She brought her tea up for a sip but stopped when she caught sight of our faces.

  ‘You haven’t told her yet?’ Mara asked us in a clipped voice.

  ‘Told me what? Sam? Ed?’ The colour had drained from Kate’s face.

  ‘I was naughty, Mummy,’ Luke said quietly.

  Kate put the children to bed twenty minutes after that. They were almost asleep on their feet. She had taken the news very well, I thought. But I could feel Mara seething across the table, like a volcano, like a tiger about to pounce. And I was right – as soon as the children were out of the room Mara leapt in.

  ‘What the hell were you thinking, Sam?’ she spat at me.

  ‘Don’t you mean, what were we thinking?’ Ed asked her.

  ‘No, I’m asking Sam. If you were on your own, Ed, you wouldn’t have been distracted by her, you would have stayed close to the kids all the time and this wouldn’t have happened!’ Mara was furious, each word forced, gravel-like, through clenched teeth. Her eyes were hard and bright and not, for a single second, leaving my face. She looked at me like she loathed me. I felt rooted to my seat and knew with a sinking, sinking heart that nothing I could say would change the way Mara felt. I scrabbled around in my mind, full of shame, for something to say but came up with nothing.

  Then there was a knock at the door. I felt Mara’s gaze shift as Ed rose to answer it and soon I heard Claudia bustle inside, and Ed thank her for coming. He must have called her but why? So she could come and tell me off too? I wished I could just blink and disappear.

  ‘Well,’ Claudia said in her no-nonsense voice as she joined us at the table, ‘it sounds like everyone’s had a fright.’ And she sat down at the end of the table, with Mara on her right and me on her left.

  ‘I think that’s the understatement of the year,’ Mara said, her teeth still clenched.

  ‘The main thing is that they were found, safe and sound, right?’ said Claudia.

  ‘The main thing is Sam wasn’t paying enough bloody attention!’

  ‘We weren’t paying enough attention, Mars,’ Ed interjected.

  ‘Please don’t fight,’ Kate said as she came back into the room. We all watched as she walked to the sink and stood with her back to us, looking out into the inky night beyond the window. Was she imagining what could have happened? Was she about to tell me I could never have the kids again? I waited for her to say something – anything. But she took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then walked to the fridge.

  ‘I think I need a wine, how about you guys?’

  ‘What a good idea,’ Claudia agreed.

  Mara sighed and muttered her assent.

  We sat and sipped half-heartedly. Claudia forged on valiantly with questions about Kate’s date, which she answered in a rather more subdued voice than the one she’d used on her return. There was a tacit understanding that we’d just talk about other stuff for a bit, let the air settle. Mara wasn’t playing the game though and managed to continue seething. At last Kate brought the conversation round to the children.

  ‘I think this is a blessing, you know.’

  ‘What?’ Mara spluttered.

  Kate gave her a small, Kate-sized warning look, almost invisible to the naked eye. ‘This could have happened to me, to you, to any of us. He’s been a real tearaway lately and I think it’s given everyone a really good shock – including Luke.’

  ‘How can losing Luke and Rosie be a good thing?’ Mara’s face was dark. ‘It’s just classic Sam, this is – deeply irresponsible.’

  ‘Mara, why are you ignoring my part?’ Ed’s voice was sharp and I almost flinched. I had never heard him speak to her like that before.

  ‘Because you can be trusted, unlike her!’

  ‘Mara, calm down, this is crazy,’ said Kate.

  And finally I couldn’t contain them any longer. My tears spilt out, running like two streams down my face. Mara had opened her mouth to say something more but paused when she saw my face. She stood up.

  ‘I’m going home, and Sam, I think you need to find somewhere else to live. I’ve had enough!’

  ‘Mara!’ Claudia got up and followed Mara’s stiff, angry back out to the front door. I didn’t watch them leave the room, I simply hung my head, bent over with shame. Someone passed me a tissue and I took it. It was Ed. He hadn’t followed Mara to the door; he’d stayed sitting at the table with me. So had Kate. But rather than comforting me, it made me feel even lower. I didn’t deserve their kindness. Mara was right – it was my fault. I was irresponsible, ditzy. A fucking idiot.

  ‘Come on, let’s take you home. You can come and stay with me tonight,’ Claudia said as she returned to the
table, half lifting me out from the table onto my wobbly legs.

  ‘What about John? I don’t want to cramp your—’ I couldn’t think of the right word to use.

  ‘She could stay here,’ Kate offered.

  ‘No,’ Claudia said briskly, ‘she’s coming home with me. John is at his place anyway.’

  I allowed myself to be led out to the hallway by Claudia and helped into my coat. I supposed I had to go to Claudia’s. I couldn’t stay here, not being reminded about what a fuck up I was.

  ‘Are you all right?’ I heard Claudia ask Kate as they hugged.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine, honestly.’

  Ed said. ‘I’ll stay here tonight.’

  ‘What about Mara?’

  ‘Let her own words ring in her head. She’ll be fine.’

  I looked up as Claudia raised her eyebrows at Ed, saying, ‘I didn’t know the Minkleys did tough love.’

  Ed chuckled. ‘I didn’t either but it appears we do, eh, little sis?’ He put his arm around Kate, who smiled sadly.

  I had my head down as I left but I was vaguely aware of Claudia signing something to Ed, something about needing to talk to him or something. I felt utterly, utterly exhausted.

  70

  SAM

  While Claudia made up a bed for me on the sofa, I took myself into the bathroom and called Charlie. I was desperate for comfort, for distraction. He didn’t pick up and I left a message – please call me – sounding much more querulous than I wanted. I texted him too, just in case. Hopefully he’d call. Anyway, I tried to tell myself sternly, either way, you’re seeing him tomorrow for lunch. He can comfort you then if not before.

  Claudia was sitting on the couch when I came out, with two mugs of hot chocolate waiting on the coffee table. She was idly flicking through a magazine but I could tell straightaway she wanted to talk.

  What am I going to say to you? I thought. I don’t have anything of worth to say. Nothing at all.

  ‘This will help you sleep.’ Claudia indicated the mug. I took a sip and winced.

  ‘It’s what you need,’ she instructed. ‘You’ve had a shock.’

  ‘Not as much of a shock as Luke and Rosie had, locked in that stairwell.’

  ‘Like Kate said, though, it’s good to get a fright now and then.’

  ‘Mara didn’t see it that way.’

  ‘Of course she didn’t, she won’t for a while. She’s very black and white. But she’s not their mother, Kate is, and she’s OK. Most importantly, she’s OK with you, darling.’ And Claudia patted my foot.

  I sighed.

  ‘Look, don’t feel beaten down. We all love you very much, including Mara. We’re family.’

  I grunted, unconvinced, and then thought of something.

  ‘Please don’t compare my friendships with my sister.’ I glanced at Claudia, who was looking troubled or something. But it flicked off her face and she smiled.

  ‘We’re even better than family,’ she said.

  ‘Some family. Mum and Dad are all right.’

  ‘OK, some family. But my point is, families have bust-ups – it’s what happens when you’re close – and then you make up.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’ I could really see Rebecca and I getting along one day.

  Claudia had that strange, troubled look again.

  ‘Well’ – she patted my foot again – ‘don’t dwell on it. It will blow over – it will.’

  I really wanted to believe her. I yawned, feeling the exhaustion right down to my toes.

  ‘I’ll let you go to sleep. Sleep in tomorrow if you can. Have you got anything on that can’t be changed?’

  ‘Only lunch with Charlie.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘I want to see him!’ I wheedled.

  ‘All right, all right.’ Claudia stood up and stretched then looked as if she was going to say something again, that strange, indefinable look on her face again. But again she didn’t; instead she leant over and kissed me on the forehead, wishing me sweet dreams.

  *

  I woke to the sound of Claudia’s front door shutting. It took me a moment to remember why I was at Claudia’s but then it came back to me in a whoosh of pain. God only knows what Claudia put in that hot chocolate but it worked. By rights I shouldn’t have been able to sleep so well last night. My chest felt heavy with shame and once again I ran through every detail of losing the children, feeling my gut twist in fear all over again. How on earth would Mara forgive me? My thoughts ran ahead, through a future where every gathering was uncomfortable with us both in the same room, when I gasped, realising the consequences – I would simply not be invited to things any more, never mind not being able to just pop by. My friends (Claudia was right, actually, they were my family) would have to choose between us. A tear ran down the side of my face. Of course they’d choose Mara over me, fuck it. Most of the gang were bloody Minkleys after all.

  I reached out and felt about for my phone. Nothing. Not a single new message. No one gave a shit about me, no one at all.

  I woke again a couple of hours later and started when I saw the time. Eleven o’clock? I got up too quickly and had to wait for the black spots to disappear before heading straight for the shower. As I cleansed with Claudia’s luxury toiletries I started feeling a little better and my mind started filling with thoughts of Charlie, which for once felt less complicated than thinking about anything else.

  I’d vowed I wouldn’t be early again for him but I couldn’t help but walk quickly down Claudia’s street to the Tube. Charlie would make everything OK. He was always so even tempered, with nothing fazing him. And he (almost always) made me feel wanted. When I was with him the rest of the world disappeared. There was, as always, the little niggle of worry. I hadn’t seen him since ‘bumping’ into him at the Cock & Bull but he’d texted me when he could, in-between his round-the-clock shifts. It was hard work when another surgeon on your team was off sick. I was grown-up enough to understand that.

  When I got to the pub he wasn’t there. Not to worry, not to worry. He’d be here soon. I counted out coins for half a bitter and sat down, aware as I took a sip of how hungry I was. Thank God he’d be buying lunch.

  As I sat waiting, and the beer started loosening my mind, a plan that had been slowly gathering voice in the back of my head somewhere since that morning spoke loud and clear. Of course! It was so obvious. I smiled, pleased with myself and took out my phone.

  Thank u so much for looking after me last night lovely friend xxx yr drugs blinking knocked me out

  Claudia didn’t reply. I didn’t expect her to – she would be in the thick of her workday. On a whim, I texted again.

  I’m going to ask Charlie if I can stay with him, so if I’m not home later, I’ll be at his.

  There. Send. I hope I haven’t jinxed things by getting ahead of myself.

  Oh look, here he is. Excellent timing.

  ‘I was just thinking about you.’ I smiled in what I hoped was a mischievous way.

  ‘Oh really?’ he answered flatly as he took off his coat. His face was tight, like he had a lot on his mind. He took his phone out and checked it before slipping it into his pocket. He still hadn’t sat down.

  I kept the smile on, determined. ‘Busy at work?’

  ‘So so. Another one? I’m going to grab a coffee.’ He pointed at my drink and headed to the bar without giving me even a hello peck on the cheek.

  It doesn’t matter; stop worrying.

  Charlie took a sip of coffee and texted something again. It had to be the twelfth time since he arrived. He hadn’t even really listened when I told him about what had happened with the kids. It was as if that wasn’t even a story, no big deal. This wasn’t at all how I imagined it would be.

  ‘Do you have to do that?’ I couldn’t stop myself.

  ‘What?’

  ‘That . . . texting all the time.’

  ‘It’s work, I have to.’

  ‘You said you weren’t busy.’

  ‘I wasn’t until I got here.�
��

  Charlie’s tone was defensive but he slipped the phone back into his pocket anyway. I noticed he didn’t apologise. But I couldn’t dwell on that – I had to ask him before I lost all enthusiasm for my great plan.

  ‘Charlie?’

  ‘Hmmm?’ He was gazing out of the window now. It was like he wasn’t actually in the room with me.

  ‘I need to ask you something.’

  ‘Yes?’ He turned to me and I tried a smile again.

  ‘Can I come and stay with you for a while?’

  ‘What?’ Charlie went very still.

  OK, so he’s listening. That’s a good thing, right?

  ‘Mara’s kicked me out.’

  ‘Well—’

  ‘It won’t be forever, just while I sort something else out—’

  ‘The thing is—’

  ‘I won’t be any trouble. I won’t start rearranging your pad or anything,’ I hooted awkwardly. ‘God no, nothing like that—’

  ‘Sam.’

  ‘I mean, I’m not into having my style cramped either. I’m not trying to take over your life—’

  Please stop me!

  ‘Sam!’

  ‘Sorry, I was babbling.’ I blushed.

  ‘Yes.’

  You’re not meant to agree!

  ‘The thing is—’

  ‘I do that when I’m nervous.’

  ‘Sam!’ Charlie held up his hand, palm flat. Stop.

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘The thing is, Sam, I can’t.’

  ‘Why not?’ I felt myself go into free fall.

  ‘I just need my space at the moment. It didn’t work out with Lucy and I was living with her, and I just don’t want to mix lovers and living together for a bit.’

  ‘Lovers?’

  Charlie grinned. ‘Sorry, lover. Singular. You pedant.’

  I forced myself to grin back. I knew he was right; of course he was. He didn’t want to scupper a good thing. But that didn’t stop me feeling deflated and, to make matters worse, here he was getting up and putting his coat on.

  ‘Look, I’ve got to go, sorry. I’ve got to nip home to meet the boiler man.’

  Boiler man? I stood up with him, putting my coat on in a daze, and he embraced me, kissing me briefly on the lips.