The List

by Melanie Jacobson

  I was reading my friend Amelie’s blog a few minutes later when a happy chime informed me that I had an IM. It looked like Ryder had shown up after all.

  BoardRyder: Good evening, Miss TwinkieSmash.

  TwinkieSmash: You again?

  BoardRyder: If I swear I don’t spend every second of my life online, will you believe me?

  TwinkieSmash: Tough one. I have no evidence to the contrary.

  BoardRyder: True.

  BoardRyder: Then promise not to think I’m a loser.

  TwinkieSmash: I promise because otherwise it means I’m a loser too.

  BoardRyder: No, you’re cool. I can tell.

  TwinkieSmash: Oh, really? How?

  BoardRyder: I’m psychic.

  TwinkieSmash: Sweet. Can I get a reading?

  BoardRyder: Sure. You’re totally going to win the lottery.

  TwinkieSmash: Even though I don’t play the lottery?

  BoardRyder: Yeah, that’s how good you are. It’s because Venus is in Jupiter’s house while the moon is rising on Saturn.

  TwinkieSmash: That’s astrology. I think it’s different from psychic stuff.

  BoardRyder: I do both.

  TwinkieSmash: A Renaissance man. Impressive.

  BoardRyder: Renaissance man? I’ve only heard my grandmother say that.

  TwinkieSmash: You calling me old?

  BoardRyder: You’re over the age of twenty and not married.

  BoardRyder: Not to be rude or anything . . .

  TwinkieSmash: Hey!

  BoardRyder: Kidding! Seriously, though . . .

  TwinkieSmash: Yes?

  BoardRyder: Can I ask? Why you’re not married?

  I thought about it. We had talked often enough that there was a certain comfort level in answering his question. And as much fun as we had goofing off in our IM chats, I didn’t think of him as dating material yet. Seeing no harm in explaining, I typed out a warning.

  TwinkieSmash: I’ll tell you but it might sound a little nuts.

  BoardRyder: So shoot.

  TwinkieSmash: Both of my sisters and my mom got married really young.

  BoardRyder: Like how young? Child brides?

  TwinkieSmash: None of them was older than 19.

  BoardRyder: Yeah, okay. Kinda young.

  TwinkieSmash: Anyway, I have a stubborn streak. So I made The List.

  BoardRyder: What list?

  TwinkieSmash: THE LIST. I made it when I was 18.

  BoardRyder: You mean, aka marriage age at your house?

  TwinkieSmash: Exactly.

  BoardRyder: Go on.

  TwinkieSmash: Both of my sisters already had kids by then, and that didn’t look very fun at the time.

  TwinkieSmash: So I decided to make sure I avoided that trap.

  BoardRyder: You feel like kids are a trap?

  TwinkieSmash: I used to.

  BoardRyder: Coming from someone who’s been tied up, down, and to various swing sets and yard furniture by his nephews, I feel your pain.

  TwinkieSmash: Thank you. I meant a more figurative trap.

  BoardRyder: I know.

  TwinkieSmash: I lost my train of thought.

  BoardRyder: Just scroll up.

  TwinkieSmash: Oh yeah. I made a list.

  BoardRyder: I heard. List of what?

  TwinkieSmash: 25 things to do before I get married.

  BoardRyder: Seriously?

  TwinkieSmash: Yeah.

  BoardRyder: Awesome. What’s on it?

  I liked that he didn’t try to ask any deep and searching questions about it or analyze the reasons why I felt the need to make it. Following The List had become almost a force of habit now, something I committed to doing and so I did it, item by item. I wasn’t into having long discussions about the underlying rationale for that, especially when it was a pretty straightforward situation. I made a list, I wanted to check items off the list, and I didn’t want to get married until I took care of them all.

  I told him some of the items more fit for public consumption, like about skydiving and traveling. We chatted back and forth about cool places we visited and places we wanted to go, and we hit the rhythm I had learned to identify with him, where we fell into a groove and our senses of humor synced perfectly, the laughs coming quick and often. Talking to Ryder felt totally natural.

  I thought for a minute, my mind wandering from our chat. Was hanging out with Ryder online while dating Matt a problem? Should I be disclosing these facts to either of them? Unsure what to do, I ran with my constant impulse to put it out there if I was ever in doubt.

  TwinkieSmash: You’re fun to talk to.

  BoardRyder: Ditto.

  TwinkieSmash: You sweet talker, you.

  BoardRyder: I’m a regular Romeo. Or else I’m super lame at that stuff. One or the other.

  TwinkieSmash: No, seriously. That was uber sweet. I feel all melty inside and stuff.

  BoardRyder: Melty? Is that a word?

  TwinkieSmash: It is if I say it is.

  BoardRyder: Yes, ma’am.

  TwinkieSmash: Anyway, I was saying you’re fun to talk to.

  BoardRyder: Thanks.

  TwinkieSmash: But just to be clear, that’s all we’re doing, right?

  BoardRyder: What do you mean?

  TwinkieSmash: I mean, I’m dating and stuff down here, and I kind of see talking to you as a fun friends thing.

  BoardRyder: Duh.

  TwinkieSmash: Excuse me?

  BoardRyder: SLC and HB are 700 miles apart. What else would we be?

  TwinkieSmash: That’s what I’m saying.

  BoardRyder: I think it’s funny that you felt like you had to point it out.

  TwinkieSmash: Now I feel dumb.

  BoardRyder: Don’t. It’s probably smart to be all straight about stuff.

  TwinkieSmash: I think so.

  BoardRyder: So . . . we’re friends, then?

  TwinkieSmash: Yeah.

  BoardRyder: Good. Then you should spill the details about this dating you’re doing.

  TwinkieSmash: To you?

  BoardRyder: Sure.

  TwinkieSmash: But you’re a guy.

  BoardRyder: So? I’m bored. I want to know what you look for in a guy.

  TwinkieSmash: Why?

  BoardRyder: I just told you. I’m bored.

  TwinkieSmash: But what if I decide to date you in the fall when I get up there?

  BoardRyder: We haven’t even met. We may not have any chemistry at all. What if I decide to not date you?

  TwinkieSmash: True. And I haven’t seen your face. You may be hideously ugly and send me screaming in the other direction.

  BoardRyder: That’s why you can’t see my face in my pic. I’m a total troll.

  TwinkieSmash: Seriously, why no face shot?

  BoardRyder: Meh. I put up a shot that shows me doing what I love. It’s more true to me than a cheesy smile.

  TwinkieSmash: Maybe you could just do a picture where you glare or stare all serious into the camera.

  BoardRyder: Oh, pull a Blue Steel, right?

  TwinkieSmash: Yeah, strike your best nonsmile, model pose face.

  BoardRyder: I totally tried that already.

  TwinkieSmash: And?

  BoardRyder: I looked constipated. Let’s talk about your love life.

  TwinkieSmash: You’re nosy.

  BoardRyder: Yep.

  BoardRyder: Come on, it’ll be fun. I’ll help you analyze things from the guy’s point of view.

  TwinkieSmash: Tempting.

  BoardRyder: You know you want to.

  BoardRyder: Is it more than one guy? That’d totally be worth my advice.

  TwinkieSmash: No, there’s just one guy.

  BoardRyder: I thought you didn’t want anything serious.

  TwinkieSmash: It’s not serious. I only have time for one guy.

  BoardRyder: And he is . . .

  TwinkieSmash: Tall.

  BoardRyder: I meant, what’s his name?

  TwinkieSma
sh: Let’s call him Mr. G.

  BoardRyder: That’s a dumb name.

  TwinkieSmash: It’s not his real name.

  BoardRyder: Oh really? Thanks for clearing that up.

  TwinkieSmash: Anyway, he’s in the singles ward down here. He’s, like, top dog or something.

  BoardRyder: Top dog in the pound is not so great.

  TwinkieSmash: Jealous much?

  BoardRyder: No. Totally objective. Continue.

  TwinkieSmash: Anyway, I came down here to surf, but I was awesomely bad at it.

  TwinkieSmash: Mr. G is the best coach around, so . . .

  BoardRyder: You figured you’d get him to teach you.

  TwinkieSmash: Yeah, but I can’t actually afford to pay for lessons, so I had to convince him to do it out of the goodness of his heart.

  BoardRyder: Did it work?

  TwinkieSmash: Yeah.

  BoardRyder: For the price of a few makeouts, right?

  TwinkieSmash: NO! I’m not that kind of girl.

  BoardRyder: Sorry. I was kidding. Go on.

  TwinkieSmash: Anyway, he’s a great teacher, and now I can surf.

  BoardRyder: So now you’re done with him?

  TwinkieSmash: No. I made him #17 on The List.

  BoardRyder: Which is . . .

  TwinkieSmash: Promise not to think badly of me?

  BoardRyder: Promise.

  TwinkieSmash: #17 is to have a summer fling.

  BoardRyder: Whoa. What does that mean, exactly?

  TwinkieSmash: Have a fun summer romance with a definite end in sight, enjoy the moment, leave, and then have a great memory to look back on.

  BoardRyder: But explain the romance part.

  TwinkieSmash: You know, it’s just hanging out, flirting, spending time, being giddy.

  BoardRyder: He makes you giddy?

  TwinkieSmash: No comment.

  BoardRyder: I see. Does he know it’s just for the summer?

  TwinkieSmash: Yep.

  BoardRyder: So you’re just a put-it-out-there kind of girl, huh?

  TwinkieSmash: Yep.

  BoardRyder: Does he know about The List?

  TwinkieSmash: I maybe didn’t put that out there.

  BoardRyder: Why not?

  TwinkieSmash: Guys sometimes react weird.

  BoardRyder: You told ME about it.

  TwinkieSmash: Yeah, but we’re friends now. FRIENDS.

  BoardRyder: True. Do I have a number on The List?

  TwinkieSmash: Maybe.

  BoardRyder: Maybe? Isn’t that a yes or no question?

  TwinkieSmash: Well, there’s #24.

  BoardRyder: Yeah?

  TwinkieSmash: Try Internet dating.

  BoardRyder: That isn’t me?

  TwinkieSmash: Not yet. I might not want to date you when we meet, remember? You’re a troll.

  BoardRyder: Oh yeah. I don’t know if I want to date you, either.

  TwinkieSmash: Why not?

  BoardRyder: You’re so high maintenance.

  TwinkieSmash: Very funny.

  BoardRyder: I try.

  TwinkieSmash: That’s why you’re a maybe. If I decide I want to date you, then you’ll be #24.

  BoardRyder: But what if I don’t want to date you?

  TwinkieSmash: Then there’s always ChickMagnet or HerefortheLadies. They send me lots of messages.

  BoardRyder: Ha, ha! At least you don’t have MarryMe or SweetSpirit pounding down your inbox door.

  TwinkieSmash: Sorry, but unless one of them has a sad obsession with toy trains, I win.

  BoardRyder: Toy trains? For real?

  TwinkieSmash: Yeah.

  BoardRyder: You definitely win.

  TwinkieSmash: I don’t want to.

  BoardRyder: Too bad. I surrender the title of loser magnet. It’s yours.

  TwinkieSmash: Thanks. I have to go.

  BoardRyder: Already?

  TwinkieSmash: Yeah, I’m gonna go polish my loser-magnet crown.

  BoardRyder: But you didn’t finish telling me about Mr. G. I didn’t give you any advice yet.

  TwinkieSmash: You have advice already?

  BoardRyder: Yeah. Tell him about your list.

  TwinkieSmash: No.

  BoardRyder: Why not?

  TwinkieSmash: I’ll tell you another time. I really want to get to my crown.

  BoardRyder: Yeah. You’re not off the hook, though. You owe me more details.

  TwinkieSmash: Are you really this bored?

  BoardRyder: Maybe. See you here tomorrow night?

  TwinkieSmash: Maybe. It depends.

  BoardRyder: On what?

  TwinkieSmash: If Mr. G calls.

  BoardRyder: Check in, anyway. I might be around.

  TwinkieSmash: You sound like a stalker.

  BoardRyder: You wish. I have a date tomorrow night too.

  TwinkieSmash: Really? With who?

  BoardRyder: Hot girl who’s been chasing me. I let her catch me. Maybe I’ll tell you about it.

  TwinkieSmash: A little quid pro quo?

  BoardRyder: You got it.

  TwinkieSmash: So, I’m kind of impressed that you know what quid pro quo means.

  BoardRyder: Don’t be. I heard Robin Williams say it in Aladdin when I was a kid, and I asked what it meant. My Latin starts and ends there.

  TwinkieSmash: You’re funny.

  BoardRyder: I’ve heard.

  TwinkieSmash: Good night.

  BoardRyder: Later.

  I pushed my laptop away with a satisfied sigh. I felt good knowing that Ryder was clear on me dating other people. Now I needed to have the same conversation with Matt.

  * * *

  That opportunity presented itself sooner than I wanted it to. When my shift ended at ten on Friday, a voice mail from Matt was waiting for me. “Hey, Ashley. You’re probably at work. I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I had a great time talking to you the other night. Why are you so cool? And why do I have to be traveling right now? Anyway, call me if you don’t finish too late.”

  The message was about an hour old. I listened to it about ten more times before calling him back. The first five times, I felt a little thrill. The last few times, I felt a little panicked. What did he mean why did he have to be traveling? That meant he wanted to be back in HB. With me? It made me nervous. I wanted him to come back too, and that was a huge red flag. Danger! Danger! My instinct blared. Attachment encroaching! Attachment encroaching!

  Of course I called him.

  “Hey, you,” he said after the second ring.

  “Hey, yourself. Did I wake you? I’m not sure what the time difference is where you are.”

  “I wasn’t sleeping,” he reassured me but didn’t address the time-zone hint. “How was work?”

  “Same old, same old,” I said. “A couple of cranky customers, mostly some nice ones, and enough tips to make it all worth it. How was work for you?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Okay, I guess. I really want to get back home, though,” he said.

  “I can imagine. Tired of living out of your duffel bag?”

  “Yeah. And I miss stuff.”

  “Like what?” I asked and then wanted to kick myself. It sounded like I was fishing. Um, because I was fishing.

  “Surfing,” he said. “TK Burger. Surfing. And also surfing.”

  Good thing I didn’t want him missing me.

  “Right. Can’t surf where you are, huh?” I asked.

  “Not so much. And there’s other stuff they don’t have here, either.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  And even though he didn’t say more than that, I knew he meant me. My stomach lurched, but whether from pleasure or stress, I didn’t know. The boy had me in knots. Time to run a little defense.

  “Um, so I’ve been making some new friends,” I said.

  “Cool. People from the ward? Anyone I know?”

  “Yeah, some from the ward. Like your sister. Oh, and, uh, I’m also keeping in touch with a guy
back in Utah, but just as friends right now,” I said. “Just so you know.”

  “Would it bother you if I was doing the same thing?” he asked.

  “Keeping in touch with a guy back in Utah? No, but I might think it was a little odd,” I said.

  He laughed. I liked making him laugh. It warmed my commitment-phobic heart in an unfamiliar way.

  “So you’re okay with that?” I asked.

  “Sure,” he answered. “No attachments, right? I promised to follow the rules. I won’t let it bother me.”

  What did that mean? That it bothered him but he was ignoring it? And why did it feel good to think that it might? And why was I such a basket case? One minute I didn’t want him missing me, and the next minute I did. I wanted no attachment, and yet I wanted it to bother him that he might not be the only game in town. I could hear my sister Juliana’s voice in my head delivering a well-deserved lecture. “How would you like it if a guy was treating you this way?”

  I hated to admit it, but if the tables were turned right now, I wasn’t sure I’d be so calm about Matt chatting with another girl in his free time. Bugged by my own ambivalence, I changed the subject to something safer.

  “So my aunt really loves her mailbox,” I said, and that was enough to steer the conversation into shallower waters. Still, the nagging sense that I didn’t know what I wanted anymore clung to me, and by the time Matt hung up, I felt frustrated. I thought about Ryder’s offer to advise me on my love life and felt tempted to take him up on it. I signed into my Lookup account and smiled when I saw the little green light next to Ryder’s name, telling me he was hanging out online too.

  TwinkieSmash: Hey.

  BoardRyder: Hey, where have you been?

  TwinkieSmash: Busy. Work and stuff.

  BoardRyder: Mr. G stuff?

  TwinkieSmash: Maybe.

  BoardRyder: Do I get details now? I can’t be your love guru without them.

  TwinkieSmash: Nah. I don’t want to kiss and tell.

  BoardRyder: Oh, REALLY? I think you just did, ha ha.

  TwinkieSmash: What are you talking about?

  BoardRyder: You can’t tell if you didn’t kiss, and you just admitted you’ve got something to tell.

  TwinkieSmash: Oops.

  BoardRyder: Does this mean we’re breaking up?

  TwinkieSmash: We’re not dating.

  BoardRyder: Oh yeah. Then does that mean we’re going to tell each other secrets and braid each other’s hair?

  TwinkieSmash: Hard to do that since we’re in two different states.