by TJWEST
I shook my head. “I can’t. I’m already risking his trust by meeting you behind his back. My relationship is on the line here.”
“You love him, I can see that. And I can see you’re a very loyal, strong woman. I admire that. My intentions of meeting you instead of him are not to hurt your relationship, but to help him. Help him understand why I left.”
“What? I don’t understand. How do you think I could help him? Why not just mail the envelope?”
“Because you’re a mother.” She simply stated.
Say what?
I blink at her statement and stammer, “Um...I….excuse me?
Rachael places her elbows on the table, entwines her fingers and rests her chin on top. She sighs, “From one mother to another I think you can help Quinn understand what it takes to leave their child at the most horrible time in their lives. You see…..” She takes a deep breath. “.....I have bipolar disease.”
Shit! I did not see that coming!
Rachael continues, “I was not in my right mind, at the time when my son, Jake was killed. I became a person I didn’t know anymore - someone who wanted to kill herself. I could not let Quinn be around me when all I wanted to do was die. Most of all I blamed him for killing his brother and I had to get away before I ruined him. Red made sure I went to a good place to get treatment.”
“I’m sorry, but did you say Red helped you get treatment?” I asked, confused and very much surprised.
She nods her head and quietly says, “Yes. Red was……” She paused for a moment, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes they were glassy and sad. “Red was the love of my life. He couldn’t see me live a life of turmoil, depression, and anger anymore. We never told the boys about my disease. At the time we thought it would be best to keep it a secret to protect them, but when Jake died, I became less of a mother and more of a danger toward Quinn. We did what we thought was best. So, I left.”
I did not know what to say; I was speechless, appalled, and heart-broken. Since Quinn was nineteen at the time, I believe he could have had handled the situation better than she gave him credit for. And this made me so upset. Another lie for Quinn to believe that his own mother walked out on him because he thought it all had to do with him. I felt sick to my stomach and wanted to get out of here. I had no business being here with Quinn’s mother. It was wrong and I had to leave.
I pulled my chair out and stood up. “I’m sorry, but this is wrong. I can’t sit here and listen to you talk about Quinn as if he couldn’t understand your illness. What he needed most was knowing his mother didn’t hate him. By running away, you did ruin him, Rachael. And from one mother to another, I cannot, in any way, comprehend your actions and cannot, for anything, feel empathy. I feel nothing but pity….” My voice rose with anger. Heads were starting to turn, but I didn’t give a shit. “.... I would never leave my child without giving him reasons. I would never make him feel any less of a person than you did to Quinn. It makes me sick that you are putting me through this and makes me more sick that you are too much of a coward to face your own son! The son who still loves you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some place to be.” I left my coffee, and that damn envelope without looking back.
So stupid! So fucking stupid!
I can’t believe I betrayed Quinn. I can’t believe I would stoop to his mothers level and listen to anything she had to say! She was clearly not thinking about how this could turn out and underestimated me. Underestimated my love for Quinn.
Quinn will be devastated to learn his father had known all along where his mother went to all those years ago - that he was the one who helped her leave. I’m not saying it was wrong to get her help, but the fact that he let Quinn believe she vanished because of him; he will be crushed and angry. I’m so afraid for him, so afraid what he will do. Afraid of what will happen to us.
I truly believe I broke whatever trust we had toward one another. He won’t forgive me.
I couldn’t go to Reds today; I needed to go home. I texted Quinn to let him know that I decided to stay home but needed to talk with him. He immediately texted back letting me know that he needed to talk to me as well. Oh, Shit! He found out what I had done! He probably had someone tracing Rachael’s whereabouts - finding me in the process. Shit, I should have been more careful! I should have told him, from the beginning, who was texting me. I’m such a damn fool!
When I got home I saw Quinn’s Harley in the driveway. I pulled up next to it at the same time he came outside of the house. After I parked I sat there for a moment and pulled myself together. When I looked at Quinn he didn’t seem pissed at me; no scowl, no arms crossed, huh…...maybe he didn’t find out about my meeting Rachael after all? That doesn’t mean I was in the clearing - I still had to confess.
I slowly got out of my car and smiled at him. He came toward me and swept me into his arms and kissed me. I did not expect that! It felt like heaven, being in his arms.
“Just had to do that.” He breathed.
“I needed it too. Glad you came home. How’s Peta?”
“Still sleepin’ like a baby.”
“Good…..So, what did you want to talk to me about?” I asked, as we leaned against my car.
He crossed his arms and took a deep breath. “Yeah, found more on Tammy. Seemed that Tammy isn’t her real name after all.” Oh, Christ, here we go. “I really don’t know how the fuck this happened and how she found you, but, Shorty…...this woman is my mother. My fuckin’ mother, of all people.” He announced with his jaw clenched.
I bit my lip in hopes of not breaking down. I knew he had found out about her, but why wasn’t he reacting with rage? He was so damn calm it was not like him! I closed my eyes because I knew I was going to cry.
“Babe? Didn’t you hear me?”
I nod my head, but kept my eyes closed. Quinn got in front of me and placed his hands on my forearms - I started crying out loud. I totally lost it. He brought me back into his arms, soothing my back with his hand. I never wanted to leave his embrace. I wanted to stay here as long as possible because I know it won’t be there once the truth is out in the open.
“What’s going on? Why you crying? I can deal with my mother alright? It’s a damn shocker that she was trying to get to me through you. Don’t know why, after all these goddamned years, she would even want to come back into my life. And how she found out about you? Fuckin’ twisted if she’s been spying on us.”
“I’m so sorry. So sorry!” I said, sobbing.
“What the fuck for?” Quinn clipped.
Stammering, I replied, “I...I already knew it was your mother….Rachael.”
His arms stiffened around me, which was not a good thing. “How did you know?” He slowly asked. I was so afraid to look at him, but he jerked my chin up and forced me to face him in the eye. His brows were furrowed and his eyes were dark - confused. “I asked, how did you know?” He demanded this time.
“She...she texted me again. Told me her name was Rachael.” He released his hold from around my body, which felt like someone had sucked the oxygen out of my lungs. This wasn’t good. This was bad.
“Go on.” He prompted
I cleared my throat and sniffed back my tears. “She, um….she said she wanted to speak with me.”
His jaw clenched as he spoke to me. “Why didn’t you tell me this?”
“I didn’t want to burden you with another problem.” I whispered.
He chuckled without any humor. “Jesus, fuckin’ Christ….didn’t want to burden me…...Un-fuckin’-believable.”
I shook my head while the tears dripped down my cheeks. He took a step back from me, put his hands on his hips and looked at me with disappointment and hurt. “Did you speak with her?”
I nod my head yes without speaking. I was so ashamed.
Quinn closed his eyes, and bowed his head, shaking it. “What’d she want?” He hoarsely asked.
“She wanted me to give you something. I don’t know what it was, I was to
o angry to listen to her anymore, so I left. It was only for a few minutes, though…...I’m so sorry, Quinn.” I tried to touch him, but he jerked away from me. The tears came back from his rejection.
I did this to him. I deserved his rejection. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
“Please, Quinn, I wasn’t thinking. I was trying to protect you. You’ve been through so much these last few months - “ He cut me off
“Not not now, Sandy.” He said, snapping at me.
Sandy?
He hasn’t called me by my real name since we had first met. Oh, my God, this was bad - worse than I had imagined, and it hurt. So much.
“Sandy?” I whispered. “You never call me that.”
He looked sternly into my eyes and replied. “Can’t look at you right now.”
I didn’t know what to say. He looked at me like I was a stranger - someone who he despised. I tried to say something else, but he cut me off again. “Said, can’t look at you right now.”
There was nothing I could do but walk away. I brushed by him, went inside the house, into my bedroom, crawled onto the bed and sobbed. I ruined us.
Chapter 28
Quinn
“You’re tellin’ me that Tammy, fuckin,’ Fox is Rachael Baker?” I repeated, jaw clenched, and swiping a hand through my hair.
“Sorry Bro.” Rico said.
“Fuck!” I stood up from my chair and kicked it against the wall. “Track her GPS and find her.” I ordered.
“Already done. She’s in your area.”
My head shot up. “Sonofabitch.” I angrily, muttered. “Tell me where she’s at.”
I was fuckin’ astounded to discover that my mother had come back after eighteen years of vanishing. I seriously did not know what to do. For one thing, I was literally shaking; I stared at my phone fidgeting in my hand, while my heart was crashing up against my chest I thought it would split open. I had to take a minute and figure out what this meant - so many fucking questions going through my head I couldn’t think straight.
I was about to text Sandy, to let her know I needed to speak with her, when she got to me first. After I had gotten home all I wanted to do was hold her, smell her and kiss her. I was actually relieved that Carla wasn’t the one phoning her; I could check that off my list. The next thing I needed to do was find my mom and get some fuckin’ answers.
Seeing my woman drive up calmed my nerves; I was so glad to see her. Unfortunately, those calm nerves and needing comfort from her all went straight to hell. I’m not sure who pulverized me the most: my mother ditching her family, or the love of my life stabbin’ me in the back. I couldn’t fathom how Sandy would become hypocritical and deceitful in a matter of one day. Sure, she said she wanted to protect me - but - What. The. Fuck! I was so beaten down at that moment that I couldn’t stand her being in my presence.
I had no idea what would become of us. One thing I did know: I had to chase down Rachael.
It was a five, fuckin’ star hotel, next to the ocean; not only did Rico get me the location, but he got me her room number as well. How she was able to afford something this extravagant was beyond me.
I didn’t waste any time and started pounding on her door. Crossing my arms over my chest, I waited for her to open the door. Felt like a fuckin’ hour before I finally heard the bolt unlock and the woman who disappeared from my life, reveal herself to me.
It’s been so long since I saw her last, I couldn’t believe she was here again - In front of my fuckin’ face - I wasn’t sure if I wanted to strangle my own mother or hug her and cry.
She was always a beautiful woman, always took care of herself; always applying face moisturizer, sunscreen, and beautifying with makeup - she never left the house without makeup. I don’t think I have ever seen her without it.
The woman in front of me was an older version of the one I used to know. She was indeed still as beautiful as the last time I had seen her. If I wasn’t so damn hurt I would have swept her in my arms and tell her how pretty she looked. But, shit, that was never gonna happen.
“Well, that didn’t take very long.” My mom muttered.
Scowling, I retort, “Nice to see you too, Ma.”
She smirked, opened the door wider, and invited me in. “I take it Sandy told you everything?”
“Not here ‘cause of Sandy, I’m here to get some fuckin’ answers!” I shot back.
“I hope you didn’t blame that poor girl. Wasn’t her fault. I put her in an awful position. Should never have done that.” Her voice trailed off. “My mistake, Quinn.”
“Aren’t you even the least bit happy to see me? Huh, Ma?” I asked, raising my voice.
She whispers, “Course I am.”
I got up in her face and said, “Then what the fuck is your problem? I haven’t seen you in eighteen, goddamned years! What the hell, Ma?” She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, walked over to the flower printed bed and sat down. “Do you have any idea what it’s been like for me, havin’ you hate me?” She winced from the word being thrown in her face. “I had never been the son you dreamed of havin’, Jake was. I took that away from you, but paid the price. Made myself suffer for a lot of years; married a skank, helped her buy drugs, been to jail, been homeless. Those years were fuckin’ torture. I suffered enough, Ma. Never gonna forget what I did, but finally forgave myself. I didn’t come here to tell you a story about my fucked up life, came here to find answers; you callin’ my woman in the middle of the fuckin’ night, dragging her into your mess, scaring her, forcing her to hear your shit, and you makin’ a disappearing act…...Answers, Ma. Now.”
“Quinn…..” She began, shaking her head. “....First, I do not hate you. Never, have I ever hated you.”
“Coulda fooled me.” She then explained to me how she has bipolar disease and Pop helped her get treatment, which made it look like she left to get away from me. I couldn’t wrap my fuckin’ brain around this. “So many damn secrets.” I muttered. “We did what we thought was best.”
“How would you have known what was even best for me! You never took the time to see how I was handling Jakes death, ‘cause he was your fuckin’ golden boy and losing him made you forget about your other son….me. If you haven’t noticed, Ma, I lost him too. I don’t buy the shit you’re tellin’ me, to protect me - my ass. I don’t care how many times or ways you put it: you fuckin’ abandoned me, Ma. Pop ain’t here to defend himself so I don’t even wanna know why he helped cover your tracks, helped you leave your only living son. I’m tired of the lies, Ma, tired of being the underdog here.”
She had a tear coming down her cheek. By brushing it away she explained, “I won’t apologize for protecting you, whether you want to believe me or not, but I wasn’t a good influence back then, Quinn. I was unhealthy, which made me mean, depressed, suicidal. I was not a good mother, never was, not even when Jake was alive. I don’t expect any forgiveness from you, but that is the reason I contacted Sandy, so I could at least explain myself, to close that chapter of my life, to move on, and to help you heal. You were never the underdog, you were and are, a strong- headed, smart man.
Your father kept in touch over the years, updating me on your life, especially the good times. He told me about Sandy, about her son. I was beyond thrilled to know you found someone who would love you the way you deserved and you loving her back.
When I heard Red had passed I was devastated.” Her voice cracked, but got herself together and continued. “I wanted, so badly, to come to his memorial, but couldn’t face you, obviously. I decided, since I wasn’t going to get anymore updates, that I needed to be closer to you. I needed to meet Sandy. Scaring her was not my intention. I was in Mexico for a few days and thought a lot about my plan. That’s when I called her in the middle of the night - twice. I had forgotten about the time change.” She slightly chuckled. “I flew here as soon as I could and got in touch with her. It was stupid, and I’m so sorry about that.”
I mumbled, “Fuckin’ stupid is right.” Then I prompted her, “
You lived in Nevada?”
She nods her head. “For eighteen years - no where near you, if that’s what you want to know next. Your father took very good care of me even though I never asked for anything, except to know about your life. He sent me good money, kept me healthy. I tried to tell him to stop sending me money, but he loved me too much. He would visit me on occasion and spend wonderful weekends together, which I will treasure. He told me about Sandy, even before you ever came back to San Diego and told me how she would be good for you….. I couldn’t have agreed more.” My Ma looked up into my eyes and smiled. I was still standing, with my arms crossed - still too stubborn to relax. She stood up from the bed, came forward and put her hands on my biceps. I sucked in a breath from her touch. I hadn’t felt her warmth in so long, it was a shock to my heart. “I love you, my son. I’m so proud of how your life has turned out. You deserve happiness, deserve Sandy. She’s good for you. Don’t let her get away because of what I did. Please.”
I wanted to believe her, wanted to wrap my arms around her, but it was gonna take a long time for this to process. “My relationship is none of your business.” I stated.
She slightly gasped and released her hold from my arms. “You’re right, it’s not, but I know a good thing when I see one……...what you have with this young lady, Quinn, is a good thing.”
I needed to get off this topic; it was uncomfortable and awkward. “Can’t talk about her right now, Ma.” I whispered. “Are you staying here, or movin’ on?”
“I haven’t quite decided yet. I may stay another week, then go back home.”
I could see the hope in her eyes, wanting me to ask her to stay so we could become a family again, but I didn’t have it in me to go there right now.
“I need to go.” I said, tiredly.
“Wait…..Now that everything is out in the open, I thought, maybe, we can get together? I could stop by at Reds sometime this week, perhaps?
“Not ready to extend our family reunion.” I clipped.
“Quinn -”