The Doctor's Wife for Keeps

by Alison Roberts

  It was all too easy and perfect anyway, she’d said. Fairy-tales don’t happen in real life. We both know that.

  And that had been that, apparently. She had thrown herself back into work as soon as she’d been given the all-clear from her concussion and bruising and she seemed to be coping perfectly well.

  Too well?

  Like the way she’d agreed to this outing today, to visit Edinburgh Castle, as a fabulous idea—something she’d been intending to do for ages. Her smile had been bright when they’d met at the bottom of the hill and the quick hug and kiss on the cheek had told him how pleased she was to see him.

  It was Kate who was keeping the conversation going, too, every time a silence fell.

  Like it had in the last couple of minutes.

  ‘Oh, look at that. Another specialist whisky shop.’

  ‘It’s a popular drop in these parts. There’s a kilt-maker. Do you want to go and try one on?’

  Kate laughed. ‘No, thanks. Do you?’

  Luke grinned. ‘I’d be too worried about a windy day, wearing one of those.’ He resisted another urge to take hold of her hand as they kept climbing towards the iconic castle on the top of the hill.

  He hadn’t held her hand since that awful night in the emergency department.

  They hadn’t made love since then either.

  And it was killing him that Kate didn’t seem bothered. That it felt as if she had taken a step back. Because the intimacy that had been created by knowing that they had a baby on the way had been extinguished?

  He wanted to tell her that they could try again. That, this time, everything would be all right.

  But he couldn’t make promises like that, could he? She was right. Fairy-tales rarely happened in real life. Look at the mess his marriage to Nadia had turned into. Not believing in fairy-tales had been the very reason he’d decided that resurrecting ‘the pact’ had been such a brilliant idea and that it had a much better chance of working long term.

  And it had worked.

  Until the moment he’d realised that he was in love with Kate.

  That should have been enough to make him back off. To—figuratively—tear up that pact because it was no longer valid.

  He could never be simply her friend any more.

  But the last thing Luke wanted to do was back off. He couldn’t, even if it meant he was headed for the same kind of heartbreak that he’d experienced before. He was too far gone.

  He wanted the fairy-tale, dammit.

  All the ‘crazy stuff’ as he’d called it back when he’d had that conversation with Kate on their first dinner date. When he’d set out to persuade her that friendship was the way to go. That the pact had merit.

  How ironic was that?

  She’d accepted the invitation and now she was the one who thought that it could only work if the ground rules were respected. And he was the one who wanted more. Who wanted the crazy stuff of not being able to keep their hands off each other. Of drowning in eye contact that felt like you’d discovered the meaning of life. That kind of telepathy where you could say so much through no more than a touch or a glance.

  Could it happen one day? If they could stay together and build on what they already had?

  If it didn’t, could he live with that? Being in love with someone who didn’t feel the same way about him?

  He didn’t really have a choice. Not if he didn’t want to risk losing her.

  He’d lapsed into silence again and the quick glance from Kate told him that it had gone on for a heartbeat too long.

  ‘I haven’t even talked to you properly for a few days,’ she said. ‘How’s work been?’

  ‘Busy. Had a hell of case yesterday. A ten-year-old kid who had a DVD in his hand when the car crashed. It sliced his neck like a knife and nicked his carotid artery.’

  ‘Good grief. He could have bled to death in no time at all.’

  ‘I know. The ambulance crew did a brilliant job. Didn’t Georgia tell you about it? She was on the crew.’

  ‘I’ve barely seen her in the last couple of days. Sometimes our hours make us like ships passing in the night. I worked late last night so she was in bed by the time I got home and I slept in this morning, with it being my first day off for a while, so she was gone by the time I got up.’ Kate raised her eyebrows. ‘I thought she was on lighter duties now. What was she doing out on the road?’

  ‘I asked her about that. She’s been given one of those cars apparently. The ones that get sent out first—or as backup for a major incident? It means she can assess a scene for what’s needed and give urgent treatment but has to call for backup for any lifting or transfer.’

  ‘Oh, yeah.’ Kate was smiling again. ‘She told me that was in the pipeline a while back. I got the impression she had been whinging so much about the prospect of being stuck in an office and bored stiff, they bowed under pressure.’

  The smile seemed to fade more quickly than it usually did. It had to be hard for Kate to be living with someone who was so far along in her pregnancy that it was the first thing everyone noticed about her. It had given Luke a jolt when he’d seen Georgia yesterday. Just for a split second, before he’d focused on the critically injured young boy being brought into his care, he’d felt the loss all over again.

  The loss of their baby. His baby. The start of the family he wanted to have with Kate.

  That wasn’t what Kate wanted to talk about right now, though. And if he steered the conversation in that direction, this easy communication between them would dry up completely because Kate probably wouldn’t make the effort to break that silence.

  ‘She certainly got a good dose of excitement this time.’ Luke abandoned any desire to change the direction of their conversation. ‘She came back in the helicopter with the boy and got someone else to take her car back, I guess. Anyway, she was keeping pressure on the bleed and she wasn’t going to let go of the padding until he was in Theatre, if necessary.’

  ‘And was it?’

  ‘He was in decompensating hypovolaemic shock. I wasn’t going to risk her letting go and getting any further blood loss until we could stabilise him. We started fluid resuscitation in Emergency and then I put a clamp on the artery the instant Georgia let go, and we rushed him up to Theatre as fast as possible. All very dramatic—it was like we were in an episode of some TV medical show.’

  Talking shop was the last thing Luke wanted to be doing right now but at least Kate seemed genuinely interested. More engaged than she had been, in fact, ever since the accident.

  ‘Georgia wanted to watch so I let her gown up and come into Theatre with us.’

  ‘She must have been thrilled. I’m sure I’ll hear all about it when I get home tonight. If we’re not too late with our dinner, that is.’

  Luke’s heart sank. Did that mean Kate had no intention of coming back to his apartment this evening?

  No desire to share his bed, even for an hour or two?

  He’d done his research. He knew that it was safe to have sex again as soon as you and your partner felt physically and emotionally ready but that it was best to wait until any miscarriage-related bleeding had stopped. That usually happened within two weeks.

  Kate had said that ‘normal service’ had resumed but she wouldn’t refer to making love in such pragmatic terms, would she?

  His heart sank even further.

  Why not?

  It wasn’t ‘making love’ as far as she was concerned, was it? It was just an unexpectedly good physical connection.

  A friendship...with benefits.

  Had he really believed he’d found the answer when he’d been so blown away by how amazing the sex had been with Kate? That a friendship with benefits was nothing short of perfect?

  This didn’t feel perfect any more.

  It felt...wrong...

  CHAPTER NINE />
  IT WASN’T WORKING.

  The amount of effort Kate was putting into making things feel the way they had before didn’t seem to be making any real difference.

  Here they were, on a day out to explore something interesting, and it was nothing like any time they had spent together in the last few months—like that day when they’d hired bicycles and gone down the disused railway lines or that memorable, misty day when they’d gone to hunt for the Loch Ness monster. That easy enjoyment of each other’s company was missing.

  This felt...awkward?

  It should be enjoyable. Being inside the towering stone walls of the iconic castle she had admired for so long had been fascinating from the moment they’d walked beneath the massive portcullis gate with its spikes raised to allow visitors to enter. There’d been museums to visit, steep stairs to climb and cobbled streets to wander down. The ancient chapel of St Margaret’s had been beautiful and the poignant dog’s cemetery where soldiers had buried their beloved canine companions had almost brought her to tears. The silence between them at that point had gone on even longer than any of the previous ones and, embarrassingly, they’d both tried to break it at the same time, with some comment intended to break an increasingly tense atmosphere.

  It should have been an opportunity to share a smile. To talk about what was creating this new distance between them and do something about fixing it.

  But Kate had hesitated and the moment had been lost.

  Because she was wondering if Luke might not actually want to fix it?

  There’d been a brief period when Kate had thought they had been finding some old ground, when they’d been talking about the trauma case Luke and Georgia had been involved with yesterday, but as soon as the conversation had tailed off, she’d realised it was the sort of communication she would have with any of her medical colleagues.

  It had lacked that extra dimension that talking to Luke usually had. The feeling that she could sense what he wasn’t saying. He must have been deeply concerned to have a child presented to him with a life-threatening neck injury. Kate would have found the prospect terrifying but, thinking back on the conversation, she realised that Luke had sounded calm. Almost bored? As if he didn’t really want to be talking about it but was making an effort to be polite.

  ‘What does the guide say about these cannons?’

  ‘Um...’ Luke scanned the pamphlet he’d picked up in the visitor’s centre. ‘It’s the Argyle Battery. They date back to the Napoleonic wars with France.’

  ‘Wow...’ Kate eyed the impressive weapons.

  She was trying to be cheerful. To reassure Luke that she was over the trauma of her accident and losing the baby. That she was still on board with their plans for the future.

  That ‘the pact’ was still valid.

  But something had changed between them. Something that was big enough to be convincing her that maybe Luke had changed his mind but he couldn’t think of a way to broach the subject yet.

  Not all relationships ended with some kind of spectacular break-up, did they? Sometimes they just fizzled out slowly as the distance between people got larger and larger.

  Kate didn’t want that to happen to her and Luke.

  The prospect of losing him was frightening. Life would never be the same without the company of the man she was so sure was her soul mate.

  But doubts were creeping in now. This didn’t feel as if she was in the company of the one person she couldn’t imagine living without.

  He hadn’t even kissed her since the night of the accident. Not in any way that was on a level other than mere friendship.

  Wandering around the perimeter of the castle, with its irregular outline, they came across an odd, three-sided corner. A space that felt disconnected from the traffic of other tourists. For a long time they both stared out at the astonishing view, from what looked like most of the city of Edinburgh and much further—to hills and snow-capped mountains and the sea.

  It was Luke who broke this silence, with a heartfelt sigh.

  ‘Makes you think, doesn’t it?’ He turned his head to catch Kate’s gaze. ‘I wonder how many people have stood in this spot and looked out at that view and tried to figure out what life is all about. Or what they really want from it.’

  Was that what Luke was thinking about?

  Kate’s heart skipped a beat. If she hesitated this time, she might not get another opportunity. Despite her determination, her voice sounded small and quiet against the backdrop of those limitless horizons.

  ‘What do you want, Luke?’

  He was silent for so long she thought he wasn’t going to answer. When he did, he spoke slowly and his voice was almost sombre.

  ‘I guess I want to grab life with both hands and make the most of it. To have someone to do that with. Someone who feels the same way about the important things...’

  Kate’s throat felt tight.

  ‘We can do that.’

  ‘What?’ Luke’s quick sideways glance was puzzled.

  ‘Grab life. Together. A new life...’

  His eyebrows rose further. ‘You mean in New Zealand?’

  ‘Why not? Have you applied for that job in Nelson yet?’

  ‘No. I wouldn’t do that without talking to you about it. And I wasn’t sure you still wanted to.’

  ‘Why not?’ Kate’s mouth felt dry now. She’d been right—he had been rethinking things. Making assumptions about how she felt?

  ‘It had been all about raising a family. I thought you might have changed your mind after...after...’

  ‘Losing the baby?’ Kate didn’t try and blink back the tears that pricked her eyes. ‘You know what?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I know I said that it wasn’t real because it had been so early in the pregnancy but...it was so real for me. It was silly but I already loved that baby. I already felt like a mother. And I knew... I knew how much I wanted it to be real.’

  ‘Oh, Katy...’ Luke’s arms were around her. Holding her tight. ‘It was real. It was real from the moment we found out. I felt like a father. I told you I was thrilled. And I was.’ She felt the shuddering breath he took in. ‘When I left you in the hospital that night and went home, I cried.’

  Kate kept her head buried against his shoulder, aware of his warmth and the faint thud of his heartbeat. She soaked in the smell of his worn, leather jacket. The smell of Luke...

  She shouldn’t have sent him home that night. It hadn’t been only her who had lost something important, had it? They should have cried together. But she’d been so afraid of that kind of intimacy pushing him away because it might have revealed just how much in love with him she was.

  Even now, in his arms like this, an alarm bell was sounding, snippets of an imaginary conversation flashing into her brain.

  The horror in Luke’s voice. You’re in love with me?

  I’m sorry... I know I’ve broken the rules...

  I’m sorry too, Kate. This has ruined everything...

  She took a deep breath, shutting out the unwanted voices.

  ‘I thought you were crazy, you know?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Your idea that nothing more than friendship was enough to make the kind of relationship that could last for ever. I believe you now, though.’

  She could feel a sudden tension in the arms around her but Luke’s words were steady. ‘So you don’t still believe that being in love is important?’

  She couldn’t look up at him. Not yet.

  ‘What we have is better. The best. I... I wouldn’t want anything else.’

  As she felt the tension ebb, she could finally look up. Find a tentative smile, although that wobbled when she saw the way Luke was looking at her.

  That tenderness...

  She could believe that he loved her as much as it was possible to love someone. T
hat he was in love with her, even if he didn’t realise it.

  And it was enough. Surely it would always be enough.

  She found herself rising up on tiptoe. Lifting her face in an invitation to be kissed. An invitation that Luke didn’t hesitate to accept.

  The kiss was just as tender as that look had been. Enough to bring another prickle of tears to Kate’s eyes, but these weren’t sad tears.

  They were tears of relief.

  Everything was going to be all right.

  This time, when they carried on their tour of the castle, they did it hand in hand.

  ‘Do you really want me to apply for that job in Nelson?’

  ‘If you want to. I’ll start looking for something for me, too.’

  ‘It’s a long way away. It’s the other side of the world, you know. About as far away from here as it’s possible to get.’

  ‘I know.’ But Luke would be there and that was all Kate would need.

  ‘You’d be leaving your friends behind. Like Georgia.’

  ‘Yeah... I was worried about that but then it occurred to me that she might want to emigrate too.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Don’t let on that I’ve told you, but I’ve got the suspicion that the mystery father of her baby might be a Kiwi paramedic that she met. I know that she’s determined to be a single parent but I don’t really believe that she doesn’t want more than that. And who knows? Maybe she would rethink things—especially if she was in the same country as her baby’s father.’

  ‘Interesting idea.’ But Luke seemed distracted. ‘Does it make it harder for you? Being around her at the moment? It made me think about things when I saw her yesterday.’

  ‘The baby, you mean?’ Kate nodded slowly. ‘Yes. It’s hard.’

  ‘Do you want to try again? Or is it too soon?’

  ‘I... Yes... I do want to try again. Maybe not just yet, though.’

  Luke mirrored her nod. Their tour of the castle was almost done and the rift between them seemed to have narrowed to almost nothing. Maybe they would go and find a cosy restaurant soon. She could drink some wine again now and things would become even more relaxed.