[Bad Blooded Rebel Series 06] - Deeper

by Mellie George

“We’ll see,” I replied. “Listen, I’m going to get out of your way. You’ve got a show to do!”

  He wrapped a big, muscular arm around me. “Good to see you again, Jess. We’ve missed your pretty face around here.”

  “Thanks Jude. Have a good show,” I said to him and he smiled at I backed away. As the lights started to dim, I walked to Kris and leaned into his ear.

  “Good luck,” I whispered.

  I felt him shiver and he turned those jade green eyes on me.

  “See you after?” he asked.

  “Definitely,” I answered, backing away to take my place on the side of the stage.

  I felt a deep clench within me as he winked at me before he began to play. I stood next to Alan and Rose as we watched the guys light the stage on fire.

  As I watched the band play to a sold out crowd, I fought back the urge to break down in tears. This was their dream and it had come true. I always thought that letting Kris go was what he needed to achieve that dream, but knowing how miserable I was without him and after what Jude had told me, I wondered for the first time if I’d made the right choice.

  Of course I hadn’t. Every choice I made ended up with people being hurt instead of happy. Instead of going with Kris when he asked me to, I stayed behind. When he asked again after the last time we’d slept together, I not only said no but I completely broke things off.

  When I found out I was pregnant, I should have called him immediately. If I had, he would have insisted I come to him and our baby might be alive right now. I wouldn’t have been beaten half to death by my mother, we’d have gotten to experience our child being born, and we would have been a happy family. It had taken me a long time to come to grips with everything that happened and even though Rose and Alan had repeatedly tried to pound into my head how none of that was my fault, deep down I knew it was. Who else was there to blame?

  After a long time, I was finally able to accept what had happened and move forward with my life. Alan and Rose took me in after the assault and gave me a place to stay while I saved money for my own apartment. I also had enrolled in the local community college and was studying for an associate’s degree in Business Administration. I excelled in my classes and was on the Dean’s list, but I was surprised when the professor in my financial planning course had told me after class one day that he was recommending me for a position as a teller at a local bank. He said that I had all the skills it would take to succeed in that field, so when he heard the bank needed a teller, my name was first to pop into his head. He put in a few phone calls, and the next day I was interviewed and offered a position.

  Even though I loved Rose and Alan and owed them my life, we both knew my time living with them had come to an end when I started working at the bank and was making a little more money. By then I had saved enough money to pay first month’s rent and a damage deposit on my own place, so as soon as I found one I could afford that was away from the apartment building I’d grown up in, I quickly signed my lease and smiled as I was given my key. As hard as I worked for this, it still felt empty because I was coming home to nobody at night. My child was gone and so was the only man I would ever love.

  As time went by, I began to think about Kris even more than usual. That coupled with my near constant dreams of him in some form or another was making me rethink my separation from him. I didn’t want to be away from Kris. I wanted him to love me again, despite all I had done to drive him off. I knew I’d made a huge mistake in letting him go. I not only dreamt of him every night and would day dream about him every day, but I also had nightmares of being without him. Every time I’d have those terrible dreams they would get worse and worse. I was miserable and I wasn’t able to sleep without him invading my dreams every night.

  I was just about to break down and ask Alan to get a phone number for one of the guys in the band when Ryder surprised me by calling me first. He told me how depressed and miserable Kris had been after losing both me and the baby, and he’d stopped chasing girls every night (which I had to admit made me feel relieved). He also told me that he was tired of knowing we both desperately missed each other. He sent a ticket and a back stage pass to their big homecoming show and told me I’d better be there and if I wasn’t, he’d send some big security guard to come get me. I really loved Ryder…he was such a good friend.

  After fighting my nerves, I made sure I dressed in something I knew he’d like. He wasn’t hard to impress, so I wore a snug pair of jeans that hugged my hips and a sequined black tank top. I made sure my hair looked good, so I did something that I had never done: I actually made an appointment to get my hair cut and styled. The stylist just added some product and straightened my already straight hair for effect, but by the time I was done my hair looked sleek and gorgeous. I added a little bit of mascara and some lip gloss and, appearance-wise, I was ready to see Kris for the first time in a year.

  I was so afraid he would see me and yell, throw something, or just tell me he hated me and never wanted to see me again, despite what Ryder had said. Thankfully I was wrong, because he actually looked happy to see me. In fact, he seemed to have trouble believing I was really there at first. It broke my heart yet made me hopeful at the same time.

  I watched the guys start playing one by one, building the crowd’s anticipation for when the big curtain dropped and they were revealed. As soon as the curtain fell down, fire erupted from behind Kris and a big boom accompanied him when he hit his bass drum hard, signaling the first song was off and running. My eyes bugged out when I saw the size of the crowd that had gathered for them. The last time I’d seen a Bad Blooded Rebel show they played to maybe five hundred people, but the crowd tonight had to have been close to forty thousand.

  I’d never been happier that my friends’ band had made it until this moment. I’d always been glad that they made it out of here, but seeing how huge this all was first hand was mind blowing. The fans loved them and they certainly threw that love right back out into the crowd. Ryder had no problem amping up the crowd and the fans were practically eating out of his hand. The girls were going crazy for Beau and Jude, and Kris was the beat that kept it all running smoothly. In that moment, I was so proud of them.

  After the show (and two encores), Alan, Rose, and I were all waiting in the backstage lounge for the guys to come. I’m sure Kris had looked for me after the show, but we all wanted to be waiting for them in their dressing room and not be a distraction while they met their fans and signed autographs. It didn’t take too long before they all came into the lounge and the minute Kris was inside, his eyes scanned the room until they landed on mine.

  I felt tingles shoot down my spine as he made his way past everyone to get to me.

  “Hey,” he said, exhaling like he’d been holding his breath. “I’d hoped you were still here.”

  “Nothing could’ve kept me away,” I said, and he smiled at me.

  “Sorry you had to wait. We usually do the meet and greets right after we step off stage. Normally it doesn’t take that long.”

  “Oh, it’s okay. This is your big homecoming show. No worries.”

  He motioned to the love seat I’d sat on before the show and I nodded, following him as he moved to take a seat. I sat next to him and suddenly my pulse started to race. I didn’t think I’d ever been this nervous in my life.

  “So,” he began, “how have you been? How’s life?”

  I laughed nervously.

  “Really? After all this time that’s what you start with?”

  Kris turned the corner of his mouth up in a nervous smile and sighed.

  “I really don’t know what else to say, Jess. I obviously have a zillion questions that I really need answers to, but I am afraid of the answers I’ll get.”

  I frowned and bit my bottom lip.

  “Well, I know I have a lot to answer for.”

  We sat together in uncomfortable silence for about a minute before Kris finally spoke.

  “Listen, do you want to get out of here and talk?�
�

  “Really?” I asked, both incredibly nervous and very hopeful at the same time.

  “I think we should, don’t you?”

  “Yes, definitely,” I replied.

  “We could go back to my hotel room. It’s definitely nicer than the first one we ever stayed in together,” he said, smiling.

  “I loved that room,” I said, and I felt myself blushing.

  “I did too. Well, what do you think?”

  Clearing my throat, I asked, “Actually, can we go to my place?”

  “Your place?” he repeated, smiling.

  “Y-yeah. It’s more comfortable than a hotel room and I really would love to show it to you. That is if you want to.”

  He gave me a look that made the muscles in my core clench with need.

  “I want to. Let me just let John know what’s going on.”

  “John?”

  “Head of security. I won’t be gone long.”

  He stood up and walked away and while he was gone I took advantage of the moment to myself and took several deep breaths. Kris was coming to my apartment. As badly as I wanted to pick things back up where we’d left them, I needed to remember that a year had gone by. A year full of heartache and hurt on both sides. I didn’t want him to come back to my place and us immediately fall into bed together. We needed to have a long, deep discussion first.

  I know that he had a zillion questions, including ones about the baby. I just hoped when I gave him those answers he didn’t decide that I was too damaged to love again.

  He came walking over to me and held out his hand.

  “You ready to go?”

  I blew out a nervous breath and said, “Ready,” as I slid my hand in his.

  “So, this is it,” I said to Kris as I flicked on the lights in my apartment. I loved the place but with Kris inside it, it suddenly felt too small. He was just too big and bright to be in a drab place like this.

  He looked around and smiled proudly.

  “Jess, this place is great.”

  I walked into the kitchen and got two bottles of soda out of the refrigerator.

  “Nah it’s not,” I said, handing him the drink. “Sorry it’s not harder, but I’m not twenty-one for another year and a half.”

  “This is just fine, thank you,” he replied and immediately took a drink. “And this apartment really is awesome. I’m so happy you got out of that hell hole.”

  “Me too,” I replied. “I know it’s not much to look at, but I’ve made it as much of a home as I could with what money I have.”

  He smiled and sat down on the gently used couch I bought from Alan and Rose.

  “I promise you, this apartment is perfect. You’ve done an awesome job turning it into a nice place. It’s a mansion compared to that old dump we grew up in.”

  I sat on the opposite side of the couch and nodded my head.

  “It really is. I’d ask if you want a tour but we both just sat down.”

  Kris grinned and stood back up, placing his soda on the tiny coffee table along the way.

  “Now I’m up. Show me around.”

  Grinning, I placed my soda next to his and stood to meet him.

  “Follow me. It’s pretty small, so this shouldn’t take long,” I said, and he smiled serenely as I showed him around my tiny apartment. As soon as we reached my bedroom, I froze.

  “Th-this is my bedroom, but I’m sure you don’t want to see it.”

  “Aw come on, Jess. I want the full tour,” he replied, grinning. “Let me see it.”

  I groaned.

  “Oh, all right.” I opened the door and turned on the light as we walked inside. “It’s not much, just a bed and a dresser.”

  I was about to lead him out but before I could, he took his hand in mine. I gasped at the feel of his warm, calloused hands against my skin.

  “Jessie, you have stop downplaying all of this. The bedroom is great, this whole apartment is perfect. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come on your own.”

  “You are?” I asked, my heart beating in my chest.

  “Of course I am.” He reluctantly let go of my hand and moved toward my bedroom door.

  “Thank you, Kris,” I replied as I followed him out into the living room. He took his seat back on the couch and I sat down as well, this time a little closer to him. God he smelled so good…

  “So, tell me all about your life. What are you doing now?” he asked me, picking up his soda and taking another drink.

  “Oh come on, that’s not important. I want to know about the tour. What’s it been like traveling around the country?”

  “Jess, why don’t you want to talk about yourself?”

  “Because I’m pretty boring,” I tried to joke.

  “That’s impossible,” he replied. “Come on, what’s been going on? Where did you go after…you know?”

  I sighed nervously.

  Here goes.

  I told him everything. I told him about living with Rose and Alan for a while, starting college (which had him beaming at me with pride), my job at the bank, and eventually moving into my apartment. I told him I was also trying to save for a car so I didn’t have to take the bus anymore.

  Then, just as I had dreaded, he asked the question I was sure he wanted to ask all night. Hell, for the past year.

  “So, how are you doing, you know, physically since you lost…you know…th-the baby?”

  I frowned and looked down before looking back up at him.

  “For the most part I’m okay. The damage was pretty minor considering how bad Crystal attacked me.”

  “Fucking bitch,” he muttered, gripping his knees until his knuckles turned white. “I hope that whore rots in jail for the rest of her miserable life for what she did to you.”

  “Me too,” I said, emotion clogging my throat. I wasn’t at all sad that she was still in jail and would be for the next ten years. It was for the one thing she took from me that I’ll never be able to get back.

  “I’m so sorry Jess,” he said softly. “You know that if I’d known you were pregnant I’d have raced back here and practically kidnapped you to get you away from her, right?”

  “I know you would have,” I said, my eyes burning. Even though I hadn’t talked about the baby or anything related to that in a year, I had still thought about it every single waking moment of the day.

  After a few silent moments, I cleared my throat and admitted something to him that no one, not even Rose or Alan, knew.

  “It was a girl,” I choked out, my voice thick with sadness. “That’s what the doctors told me anyway.”

  I saw his eyes widen instantly glisten with tears.

  “A girl?” he asked, his voice breaking. “I…I…oh man.” A single hot tear shot down his cheek.

  “I know,” I said, tears brimming in my eyes.

  He sat in silence as the tears glided down his cheeks and he made no attempt to hide them.

  “Thank you for telling me that,” he said, clearing his throat and wiping his face with the back of his hand. “I mean, it’s always going to hurt, but I’m glad you shared that with me.”

  “I hadn’t told anyone that until just now. You are the only person I ever wanted to know.”

  He took my hand in his and rubbed it comfortingly.

  “Thanks,” he said, wiping another tear away. “Was there any other damage after that? I mean, you can still have kids, right?”

  I was unable to stop my tears in that moment as I shook my head sadly.

  “The doctors say I have a very, very slim chance to be able to have children now.”

  “Oh fuck,” he whispered. He scooted closer to me and wrapped an arm around me. He rubbed my back comfortingly as more tears rolled down my cheeks.

  “Crystal caused some pretty serious trauma to my uterus and ovaries when she attacked me. Something about the eggs not releasing properly, I don’t know. I was pretty out of it when they told me. Basically, if I was to ever try for another baby down the road, I would only
have about a ten percent chance of actually conceiving. So, to me that pretty much says that having a family is damn near impossible.”

  He pulled me into his chest and began combing his fingers through my hair soothingly as I let the tears fall over what would never be for what seemed like the millionth time.

  “Jessie, I’m so sorry. This is just one more thing that bitch has taken from you.”

  “I just don’t understand. I mean, I must have done something truly heinous in my life to deserve this. I guess I just wasn’t meant to be a mother.”

  He gripped me tighter in his arms and said, “Don’t you ever say that. You would have been-fuck that, you are going to be an incredible mother. We’ll just have to get a second, third, and fourth opinion and no matter what I have to do, even if we need to fly around the world to find some voodoo medicine man, I’ll make this happen for you one day. I swear it, Jess.”

  I chuckled softly and as I pulled away from him and noticed that my tears had left a stain on his shirt.

  “Oh, I messed up your shirt. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t even worry about it,” he replied as he rubbed my tear stained cheeks with his thumbs.

  I reached up and gripped his wrists with my hands, much like I did the last time we saw each other in the hospital. I decided if I was going to go after the man I loved, I might as well be brave.

  “Listen, I know it’s a lot to ask, especially after everything I put you through, but…will you stay with me tonight?”

  He swallowed hard and his jaw squared.

  “What?” he asked, confusion on his handsome face.

  “I’m not asking for anything sexual at all, but I’ve just really missed you so much and I don’t want to be alone. Just for one night and then you can go.”

  “Are you really sure you want me here?”

  I bit my lip and nodded.

  “I’m sure.”

  “Then this is where I’ll be. Wherever you need me to be, I’m there,” he answered.

  Despite a twinge of guilt I felt at him dropping the guys in the band to rush to my side, I smiled. It warmed my heart to know that despite everything, I still mattered to him and it gave me hope.