'You don't waste any time do you, Jeeze.'
Haley smiled, a little embarrassed. Her appetite had certainly come back with a bang.
'It's always so quiet and peaceful around here isn't it. I like it.' Haley remarked changing the subject. She glanced around at the quiet trees and bushes all around them. Jason munched upon his own burger, pleasantly surprised to find it still in one piece having been left resting so delicious and temptingly right beside Haley's returned with a vengeance appetite. Haley continued to glance around, captivated by the surrounding nature.
'I think I could live here for the rest of my life in a place like this and be completely and utterly happy.'
'What? All by yourself you mean?'
Jason felt relieved to have had such a peaceful time out here these past few days, but to live here like this for the rest of his life without a TV at least. It didn't appeal to his senses in the slightest. Fair enough he wasn't as bad as his dead wife for needing constant distractions and TV, radio, internet, social media noise all around him and at all times, but he did need it to an extent though. Sometimes there was just nothing better at the end of a good, long hard day, than cracking open a cold can of beer and munching some salted peanuts while sitting back and watching whatever football or rugby that happened to be on the box at that time. And if the match happened to be Scottish related, then all the better. Give him a scrappy Hearts versus Hibernian Edinburgh derby or Ross County Versus Aberdeen Highland derby any day of the week over your over-marketed and over -commercialised and over-hyped Manchester United Versus Chelsea. There was just something more raw and wholesomely appealing about watching the little guys.
'I could easily live out here all alone. Definitely.' continued Haley, interrupting Jason's thoughts.
'But for the rest of your life?' replied Jason surprised.
'Why not, yeah.'
'A week would be more than enough to drive me insane out here. Isolated away day after day with only your own bloody thoughts for company. I'd go frigging nuts. Then all those weird noises and clicking sounds throughout the night. Never knowing exactly who could be lurking around out here in the bushes.'
Jason let out a spooky yelp which failed to scare Haley. Instead she just giggled and glanced down at the brightly lit grass beneath her feet where the dipped headlights were shining.
'Well I think I would be happy.' said Haley with determination. Jason shook his head, still grinning. For a second he saw Haley in a child-like innocent frame again. It made him smile even more.
'In fact I know I would be happy.' Haley continued louder and even more sure of herself, thanks to the already half drunken glass of red wine in her hand.
'And I believe you. So how's the wine?'
'Cheap.'
Jason looked shocked at Haley's unexpected comment. He laughed at her bluntness. Haley chuckled too.
'Can you even remember what cheap wine tastes like?' Jason retaliated, teasing her more.
'No. But something tells me that I'll never forget the taste of this one in a hurry. Even if I do lose my memory again.'
Jason laughed harder and nudged Haley playfully with his elbow.
'I think the wine is going to your head young lady. And maybe that's a good thing. It's certainly loosened you up and more than I expected. And hey, don't knock my favourite Aldi Vino. It's always been there for me in my special time of need.'
'Like when you had no job and no money?'
'Worse actually. When I was a Student.'
'You went to University?' asked Haley curiously.
'Well, college, once upon a time and for a while. Or further education as they say where I come from.'
'And how far did you get with your further education?'
'I managed to get to my first grant check and student loan before pissing off to Thailand for six months.'
'Wow. You got around.'
'Yeah, Thailand, Japan, New Zealand. Some places in Europe. I've never been to America though. North or South. Not yet anyway.'
Jason and Haley fell silent for a short time as they basked in the slight tingling glow of the red wine working its magic on their bodies and minds.
'Do you still remember things... you know, about other countries and shit?' asked Jason, interrupting the moment.
'Not really, no. My mind recalls their names and small written facts of information like I'm reading about them from a book. But no colourful images come to mind. I would never be able to imagine or visualise what it would be like to just, you know, be there in person, even if I was only there last week.'
A soft Guns and Roses rock ballad played on the radio. Jason gave out his best cheeky grin.
'What are you smiling at?' Haley asked.
'Nothing.' replied Jason acting oblivious to her suspicious playful tone. He waited a few moments before turning to face her and offering up his hand.
'Would you like to dance Mademoiselle?'
'What do you mean dance?'
Again Jason chuckled at Haley's child like ways.
'I mean, would you like to bloody well dance?'
'Right here? Right now? I wouldn't even know how to start with this kind of music.'
'It's a slowish one. So it'll be easy, trust me. I'll show you.'
'No Jason, I can't.' Haley protested playfully.
'Come on. You couldn't get an easier tune to dance too than this, trust me. All you have to do is wrap your arms around me and hold on tight. I'll do all the leading.'
Jason placed his wine down upon the car bonnet and took Haley's half empty wine glass away from her before she could protest anymore. He stepped away from the bonnet and pulled the reluctant Haley up with him. She tried to resist, but awkwardly went with it.
'Here, take my hand.'
Haley took his hand.
'And put your other hand around my waist.'
Haley did as she was told with a playful seriousness.
'Then, I put my other arm around your waist. We both move around in a nice slow circle. And Bob's your uncle we're off and dancing.'
They danced slowly around in small circles for quite some time and without talking, just feeling, listening and enjoying the music, the mood, the closeness and the warmth of each others bodies. For the first time in his life Jason felt close to someone, really close. It was a nice comfortable feeling, one he'd never felt even with his wife. He remembered how the mutual understanding they had was only ever physical. They'd always been stand offish with each other when it came to such intimate activities like romantic holidays away, most activities together, or even just dancing in such a close intimate way, which they both avoided like the plague. Even when they had sex if was never intimate or tender, but always rough, hard, angry, noisy and without too much emotion. Yet for the life in him he could not recall the last time he'd simply just kissed his wife for the sake of only showing his love and affection and devotion to her and nothing more.. and it made him a little sad and angry.
'Can I... can I tell you something?' asked Jason suddenly. Haley smiled while gently shushing him.
'No more talking okay. I'm beginning to enjoy this.'
Haley then unexpectedly rested her head right upon Jason's shoulder. He seemed genuinely surprised by this sudden act of intimacy, but relaxed as they continued to slow dance together.
***
Jason and Haley lay on their backs and side by side upon the bonnet and front windscreen of Jason's car. They stared up at the stars in the clear night sky without hardly a care in the world. Well, Haley at least hadn't a care, but Jason's wild, tormenting debate inside his mind, regarding coming clean about his life, his work, his past and recent sins, was building to a volcanic climax. He wanted to tell her something. Felt compelled to at least share at little bit more of his life story with her. Maybe not the callous slaughter of his own Father and Wife just yet, but perhaps to share some of the guilt, forced upon him by his father's mental and physical torture upon his own poor mother, which still haunted him greatly to t
his day.
'Do you still want to know about my parents?' Jason asked, breaking the relaxing silence.
'Of course I do, yes.' said Haley. Instantly she turned her head towards him, giving him her full attention.
'It's not a very pretty tale.' Jason continued half smirking. Haley took a comforting hold of his hand. Jason stared up at the starlit sky in a dream like gaze, contemplating where to start.
'That picture in the cottage beside your bed?' said Haley.
'My parents on their honeymoon.' replied Jason, sounding distant. 'It's the only image I have of them happy together as a couple. Even to this day I have no memory of my mother looking as joyful as that picture suggests. To me, she will always be this miserable, depressed, sad, lonely and pathetic person I'm ashamed to confess. When I was growing up my mother did everything for me... everything. She never shouted at me, told me off or argued with me. She never even struck me or punished me as a child. Christ, she was more like some hired nanny than a mother. And I tell you, I could be an absolute little shit at the best of times. '
Jason hesitated for a moment. He took a deep breath to compose his inner emotions before continuing on with his story.
'I used to listen and watch for my father coming home most nights. And when he did he always had drink on his breath… He would treat her like shit... just absolute utter shit you know. It was horrible to listen too. I mean he would slap her around, bang her head off walls and doors, using excuses like dinner was overcooked or the house wasn't tidy enough. Christ, sometimes he wouldn't even have an excuse. He'd just beat the living piss out of her for the sheer hell of it, just because he could, for the plain and simple reason that he enjoyed it. On other occasions and while he knew I was sitting in the living room pretending to pay no attention to their arguments, pretending to be studying some imaginary homework or watching some crappy TV soap opera… Not that I could even see or read in the first place since my eyes were so blurred with tears… Well he would be next door in the kitchen holding her head down to his groin... and forcing her... you know… to do things.'
Jason scrunched his eyes up in a bout of raw anguished emotion. A single tear trickled down his cheek while he took in another deep breath. He couldn't believe he was sharing such private details of his parents marriage with Haley from his childhood. Yet because he believed she would be the last person to ever judge him, he felt more safe with the confession than he'd ever felt before in his entire life.
'And she did nothing.' continued Jason. His tone beginning to fill with anger and bitterness. 'She did absolutely fuck all about it. She never hit him back or made an effort to try and stop him. She never even answered him back or stood up for herself in any way. Nor did she even make a half decent attempt to leave the sadistic fuck.'
Jason paused, trying to compose himself. Desperately trying to calm his own thoughts and emotions which were all over the place.
'And I know how difficult it would've been for her to just get up and leave back then, without even a second glance or a second thought, especially being the perfect devoted robot mother to me that she was. But even if she would've just left me behind back then and started all over for herself, somewhere, someplace… Then I think in time...I think, I know, I would've respected her for that and even eventually forgiven her. But because she just sat there and took it... took that abuse for God knows how many years. I began to hate her. I began to fucking despise her for her weakness. And the more she did nothing, the more... '
Jason hesitated again. He grimaced and scrunched his face tightly. He struggled to get the words out. Whatever they were they felt like the most difficult words he'd ever spoken before in his whole life.
'...The more I began... to disrespect her too.' Tears filled Jason's eyes. In no time at all they had trickled down his cheeks. 'I mean part of me knew it was wrong to start treating her the same way as my father did. Although my abuse was always mental with her, never physical. Although deep down inside I knew it wasn't right, I didn't think it was wrong either. It was just the way I'd been brought up by that bastard.'
Jason fell silent and stared with great intent out into the night sky. His face was filled with emotion and guilt and complete and utter disgust for himself. It was clear to Haley that this was the first time he'd ever spoken and confessed the tale of his childhood and family history to anyone.
'Did your father ever abuse you?' asked Haley, holding Jason's hand even tighter. Jason wiped the tears from his face while thinking hard about his reply.
'No! Never. That was the funny thing. My dad and I... our relationship was unreal. We were two of a kind. Throughout my entire childhood and teenage years my father was my hero. Even though he would beat up my submissive mother almost every other night of the week. He was my fucking hero. I worshipped him for being such a big strong leader of men. When in reality, he was nothing more than a drunken abusive coward.'
'I remember on some occasions he'd bring these other women back to our home while mum and I were in the house. He'd have shameless sex with these women upstairs in my mother's bed or even on the living room couch for everyone to see and hear, but he was still my fucking hero you know.'
Jason's voice quickly filled up with even more anger and self loathing.
'If I wanted a bike he went out and got me a bike. A specific toy I wanted from the TV. He would go out and get it for me the very next day. Tickets for the cup final, no bother. So of course he was my hero. One year on my thirteenth birthday he took me to see one of his lady friends across town to give me my first ever sexual experience.'
Jason smiled half heartedly while shaking his head in disbelief.
'That was his birthday gift to me. Taking away my virginity and innocence. What a dad eh. Women loved his sexually forward charm and direct no nonsense bullshit chat. Men both respected and feared it. But everyone knew him or knew tales about him, true or false, they commanded attention. He had so many friends who all knew his name and his stories and his banter. I mean most kids have film or sport stars as their heroes. But I had my fucking dad.'
'And as the years went by and he continued to do those awful and abusive things to my mum, putting her through sheer hell. I guess I kind of blocked them all out you know. I convinced myself that the stupid bitch deserved it. Deserved everything she got for being so weak and passive.'
Jason chuckled half heartedly as Haley rubbed his arm trying to comfort him.
'Do you want to know how she died?' said Jason, grinning falsely while shaking his head in even greater disgust. Haley took an even tighter hold of Jason's hand, but remained silent. She knew this tale was never going to have a happy ending.
'My mother tried to kill my father five years ago. She stabbed him while he slept around half a dozen times all over his upper body then she packed her things and did a runner. She must half thought the old bastard was dead for sure, but in a cruel twist of fate, I came home early from a night out, discovered my father's gruesome and bloodied dying body and saved his life by getting him an ambulance immediately. I think it was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.'
'While my father recovered the police eventually found my mother and arrested her. Better the police than my father though. If his people had found her first then I dread to think what fate she would have suffered. She was jailed for ten years and I never, ever forgave her for it. I never, ever forgave her for trying to murder my father, my hero. She was in jail and I was glad and fucking delighted. I never even went to visit her... not once. Even though she wrote me hundreds of letters, begging me to come and see her, pleading for my forgiveness. But there was just no way I could ever forgive her.'
Jason paused again for a long time. Haley continued to clutch his hand in comfort. She didn't even contemplate for one second to edge him onwards. She knew he would continue in his own time. He trusted her now and she trusted him too, immensely.
'One year into her jail term and she 'allegedly' killed herself inside her prison cell with a knife she'
d smuggled in from the canteen. Although, if I were to take a good guess, then I'm pretty damn sure my father had something to do with it.'
Jason closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. One tear after another began streaming down the sides of his cheeks. Haley was speechless. But all she could do was keep holding his hand a little tighter and a little closer to her chest. Jason wiped his tears again and tried to regain his lost compose.
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