'The night after I found out about my mother's death I took a good, long hard look at myself in the mirror. And for the first time in my life I cried as the truth of my father's ways revealed themselves to me. I cried at what a shit, callous, bastard son I'd been. That I knew she wasn't to blame for any of the hardships myself and my father had inflicted upon her. Her only real crime was having such a selfish, arrogant and malicious piss-ant of a son who gave a shit about nothing and no one in this world, only himself.'
More tears streamed down his face. Haley hugged him just as tightly as she could.
'You'd have thought I'd at least try and change my selfish ways and immature arrogant attitude after that, but I didn't. Instead I shut off all my emotions, feelings and thoughts. Swearing that I would never, ever become weak like her or get close to anyone ever again to let them inside or let them get to know the real me. This was the forefront of weakness I was taught by my father. Showing your emotions and talking about your feelings, especially to women. This had no place, no place at all in a real man's world.
'I had to get away though from my father and his ways. So I ran away. I travelled around for a year then joined the army for a few years before getting kicked out and finally coming back home again with my tail between my legs. But I'd actually become a worse person for it. I had turned into an even bigger ignorant, arrogant and sexist, womanising, selfish pig than my father. Continuing to always take care of number one and only number one. I kept telling myself that everything else and everyone else would just fall into place. So for the last year I hid my grief away, my hurt, my remorse. I hid it all deep, deep down inside. Far deeper down than any of my other secrets and lies. I felt like it was my duty to continue to treat the women in my life with the same shitty disrespect as I'd treated my own mother. Just as my father had taught me. And it almost destroyed me. Gnawing all the way to the very core of my soul. Now here I am, one year later, running away once again.'
Jason chuckled to himself then fell silent. Tears still filled his eyes, but the emotional pain, anguish and guilt of his past seemed to have disappeared from his face entirely. It was replaced by an ever broadening wave of relief. A relief that he'd finally found the courage to confess out loud, most of the guilty feelings that he'd held so deep inside, his whole life.
'Maybe it only helped to destroy the old you. To make way for the new.' said Haley, smiling warmly.
'Maybe' replied Jason, as he tried to gather his wild running thoughts.
The something strange happened.
Haley, who continued to rub her hand all the way up and down the length of Jason's forearm, winced in great pain suddenly, before glancing away in anguish. Her warm smile evaporated from her face immediately as she held her head in her hands in great distress. Jason's sad look turned to one of enormous concern as he snapped out of his distant state of reminiscence and turned his full attention to Haley.
'Haley, what's wrong? Are you okay? I haven't upset you have I, shit.'
Haley massaged her fingers into the sides of her head, trying to ease the intense throbbing pain there.
'No ...Of course not, I just...'
The short burst of throbbing pain inside her head was gradually subsiding. Haley laid back down upon the windscreen and glanced up towards the stars, but still rubbing her head.
'The pain in my head. I think it's coming back again Jason.'
'It's probably from all this cheap as shit wine I've been forcing down your throat.' Jason joked. He turned away from her briefly as he tried to find a way of bringing up his next delicate subject.
'So what are we going to do now?' said Jason, turning back to her.
'What do you mean?' said Haley, not understanding the question.
'I mean what do we do now? We can't stay here in this place any longer. No more food or wine. No washing machine.' Jason smiled, then teasingly smelled an imaginary stench on Haley's clothes. Haley slapped him playfully away. 'I'm running out of clothes for you to wear.'
Haley fell silent.
'I only really planned on staying here for a few days and no more. Three at the most. I know we're out in the wilderness here but the longer I stay the more risk there is I might be found.'
'So what do you want to do?' Haley asked breaking her silence.
'I want to leave this place... tomorrow.'
Again Haley went quiet.
'You'd be more than welcome to come with me if you like. Or if you want you can even stay here in the cottage by yourself. You're more than welcome.'
Haley thought about that. She still couldn't remember anything solid about her past. But the only question to consider right now was would she rather stay in a place far away in the middle of nowhere with what little resources she had left? Or would she rather take a risk with her new and only found friend who seemed just as mysterious and as screwed up as she.
'Do you really want me to come with you?' Haley finally replied and locking eyes with Jason. Neither one of them willing to break the hold first.
'...Yes.' Jason said. 'I want you to come with me.' He broke his eye contact and turned away from her. 'Well, just until your memory returns and then, hell, I don't know. I'll take you right back to wherever it is you came from and to whomever the hell is missing you right about now. Your family, parents, husband, kids, whoever, where ever.'
Haley raised her hand and placed it gently down upon Jason's arm. This time her touch was a little more intimate than her previous. Jason seemed startled by her tender gesture and turned to face her.
'And what if I didn't want to go back to them.' whispered Haley. 'What if I wanted to stay with you?'
Jason nodded and smiled warmly. Gently he raised his hand up towards her cheeks and cupping his hand ever so slightly he caressed the right side of her cheek with a feather touch. Haley closed her eyes and felt herself melting into Jason's hand while he continued to rub her cheek with a great tenderness. Jason leaned closer towards her. He closed his eyes in symmetry to hers. His cupping hand willing her face closer to his, and then, with only a warm and delicate breathing space between them, their lips finally met, shattering that last delicate space between them for good.
PART 2
CHAPTER ten
The next morning Haley sat peacefully inside the passenger side of Jason's car. From the other side of the cottage Jason exited the front door locking it over for the last time. Carrying his sports bag full of clothes and the briefcase full of money he made his way to the back of the cottage towards the boot of his car. He smiled warmly to Haley as he passed, she in return smiled warmly back. Jason shoved his luggage into the boot and climbed into the front driver's seat. Once inside there was a brief and comfortable moment of silence, which finally Jason broke.
'You're sure about this then yeah? You definitely don't want me to drop you off anywhere nearby or even in the first town we come too?'
'Like where?' replied Haley smiling radiantly. 'And don't say a hospital.'
Haley reached over kissing Jason lightly on the cheek. A more formal tender gesture than the heights of passion reached the previous night.
'Okay.' Jason grinned. He put his hand on the gear stick and his foot on the clutch. While reaching down to turn the key that would start the engine, Haley placed her hand on top of his.
'What, what's wrong?' said Jason turning towards her.
'I need to tell you something.' Haley said with a distressed look in her eyes.
'So tell me.'
Haley glanced away trying to find the right words.
'It's about a feeling that's coming back to me, about my past.'
'Well, that's good isn't it?'
'I don't know. But it doesn't feel great this feeling I'm getting, you know. It doesn't feel good at all Jason.'
Tears formed in Haley's eyes. Jason pulled her close to him, holding her tightly in his arms.
'I feel so scared Jason. So, so scared and confused.'
Jason wiped the tears from her eyes.
; 'Hey. It's all right. There's no need to be scared okay. What you're feeling, this nervousness inside. It's just a bit of apprehension that's all. A little bit of anxiety regarding moving on with your life. I mean you've lost your memory, your identity and everything you hold dear. You're about to embark upon a hopefully exciting new adventure with an ex womanising gangster, of which whom, in your normal rational state of mind, wouldn't even trust the bastard as far as you could throw him.'
Haley giggled. Jason ran his fingers through her hair. It was a nice feeling, his fingers running over her throbbing head. It soothed her immediately.
'But it's okay.' Jason continued. 'I'm nervous too. But I'm also happy and excited about what the future might bring us, you know.'
Haley wiped away the remainder of her tears quickly gathering her thoughts and composure. She knew Jason was talking sense.
'You're right. You are so absolutely right. Let's just go. Let's just get the hell away from here, right now.'
'That's my girl.' Jason beamed and without even a second thought he started the car and drove away from the cottage. Not even looking back or glancing through his rear view mirror as he left.
***
Jason and Haley bathed in a soothing air of silence as they drove along the lonely highland road which led them back towards the coast. Both of them basking in a glow of new and exciting thoughts of a happy adventurous future together. Without words Jason turned to Haley smiling affectionately while Haley smiled right back at him. When things felt this good what use was there for words. Jason then turned his attention back to the road continuing to focus upon the path ahead. He felt strange admitting it to himself, but he was happy right now, right here in this perfect moment. In fact he'd never felt so happy before in his entire life he was sure.
Up ahead, and like a gentle breeze of familiarity from his past, Jason noticed the old and abandoned farmhouse again, which of course had caught his eye while driving past it on the way up to the cottage almost a week ago. The house's immense and dramatic cliff top views and stunning sea backdrop were even more jaw droopingly gorgeous and awe inspiring from the north easterly approach they were now driving from. Haley focussed her attention on the farmhouse too, glancing at the old, decayed, weather beaten, wooden exterior with a strange, niggling feeling of familiarity in her fiery eyes. She flinched harshly in her seat, almost spasm like. She seemed, and completely out of nothing, to be very drawn to the old farmhouse. Like she were awakening from a magical dream to a sense of violent reality. She even turned her body fully around to stare hard at the worn old building as they drove away from it.
'You okay? What's wrong?'
Haley didn't answer. She looked to be in some kind of bizarre trance, state, all of her own making.
'Haley… What is it? What's wrong?'
'I… I don't know.' She finally answered and eventually turning back to face the direction they were driving. 'It's just... That house.'
'What about it?'
Haley fell silent. She took some deep breaths. She felt that this was perhaps a time in her life where it would maybe be best to just say nothing and keep quiet. But Jason was already pressing her. It didn't feel like it were something that he would let go of soon, either.
'Haley, come on! You can't leave me hanging here? Tell me what's up?'
Haley finally spoke. If she regretted it, then she didn't show it just yet.
'I don't know how… but I think I know that place Jason. In fact I'm sure I know it.'
'You're positive? What? You think that maybe you stayed there one time or passed it by even?'
'I don't know. I really don't know.' replied Haley unsure and looking even more distressed as she held her head in her hands again.
Jason pulled the car to an abrupt screeching halt, right in the middle of the road. This was what she was afraid of. That as soon as she said something then Jason would take immediate action. Haley tried to settle back down into her seat. Furiously she massaged her temples before running her fingers through her hair, greatly agitated. More and more hazy thoughts and foggy images of a forgotten past raced through her mind. Images filled with glimpses and flashes of the farm house. It was like the house were somehow calling out to her.
'Haley? You think you recognise that place in some shape or form yeah?'
'I don't know... I think so.' she struggled with her tone. 'I mean... I don't have any active memories, but yeah, I feel strangely drawn to it if that makes any sense at all.'
She wished she could just shut up now. Just shut up and take back all the past words she'd said to Jason since seeing the old Farmhouse. Although for the life of her she couldn't think why, it was just a bad feeling she had, that was all. That was all she had to go on. None of it made any sense. But then again, didn't she want to know?
Haley rubbed her head again, this time with more furiousness. Frantically she tried to make herself remember something, anything. Her erratic behaviour was making Jason just a little bit nervous. Soon she was yanking firmly at her hair until Jason quickly restrained her, stopping her from harming herself. He pulled her hands away from her head, rubbing them gently together, trying to calm her down.
'Do you want me to drive back to that house and check it out Haley?'
Haley glanced at the road ahead, caught up in two minds - The road ahead? Her new and exciting future life with Jason lay on that road ahead. It was down there somewhere, she could almost see it, feel it, touch it and taste it. Or she could go to the old farmhouse where maybe a clue or a glimpse into her past life could be found, giving her some much needed peace of mind.
'Haley.' said Jason, breaking her thoughts, but she ignored him again. 'Haley?' said Jason again, this time raising his voice.
'I don't know Jason, I just don't know.' she replied stuck deep in a bed of frustrated thoughts. 'Maybe we should just drive. Just keep on driving far, far away from here…' continued Haley with only three words running through her mind. 'The road ahead. The road ahead. The road ahead.'
Jason slammed his foot down on the accelerator. For a second Haley felt glad that he had made the decision for her. They were driving away. Driving back down the road ahead. But then the car spun around one hundred and eighty degrees and started speeding off towards the old farmhouse.
'What are you doing?' cried Haley, surprised at Jason's spontaneous decision.
'If it will put your mind at rest. If it will help you out in some way to remember anything about yourself. If it will leave you without regrets Haley. Then I think we should at least check it out.'
Haley breathed deeply, yet remained silent. The decision had been for her. All she could do was just sit back and wait. She felt neither happy nor sad.
***
Jason drove at a crawling speed into the narrow dirt track leading up to the front of the farmhouse. He eventually stopped the car a dozen yards away from the old and large shabby front wooden door. Jason switched off the engine. For a short while he and Haley just sat quiet an still, both of them just stared out of the window at the old and seemingly abandoned farmhouse in front of them.
Haley studied the mouldy wooden exterior of the house. It needed a new paint and patch up job for sure. In fact the work to be done was perhaps five or six years well over due. Haley kept studying the house though, all over, up and down, like she were fixated in some kind of trance again. She was beginning to become more and more overwhelmed by a strange feeling of familiarity.
Jason sat studying the house too. All of the windows on the ground floor along with the majority on the first floor windows were all boarded up.
'Looks completely deserted.' said Jason breaking the silence. Suddenly he glanced over towards the right hand side of the house as if remembering something. 'You know, when I drove past here last week there was a modern looking grey car parked right around the side of the house there.'
Haley wasn't listening though. She was fully focussed on the front door now, still in her trance like state.
'No far
m vehicles, no noise, no lights, no animals. Some bloody farm huh?' joked Jason trying to lighten the tension. To Jason's surprise Haley suddenly got out of the car.
'Haley?' Jason called after her.
Haley slammed the door shut and walked determinedly towards the farmhouse. Jason quickly stepped out of the driver's side and rushed after her.
'Haley?' Jason continued to shout. Haley came to a swift halt and turned to face him, but she didn't look right. She didn't look like herself at all. Her eyes were glazed and staring directly and intensely right at him. It was like she were telling him to back the hell away from her. In fact her gaze reminded him of the very same chilling stare she'd given him that night while standing outside the bathroom doorway in her sleepwalking trance. Haley turned away from Jason again, breaking away from her intense stare. She continued to walk towards the large front door of the farmhouse.
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