by Rose, Ashley
"I wasn't aware you wanted to be on top," he remarked.
"Well, I'm sure it's possible to do it from the bottom, but I've never tried it, so why don't we do it the old-fashioned way?"
He raised an eyebrow. "I thought missionary was the old-fashioned way."
Her eyes widened slightly and she searched her brain for a playful response that wouldn't make things awkward but would still get her out of it. She came up with nothing.
"That wasn't what I meant," she finally said.
"Come here," he said, pulling her down and kissing her. Once she was good and relaxed, he flipped her over again so that she was on her back. She allowed him to continue for a few minutes, but then the kissing got too heated and she could tell he wasn't thinking about stopping.
"Jess, wait," she said, pushing him a little.
He gave a frustrated sigh. "John isn't here anymore, Janie. What's the excuse now?"
She frowned slightly. "I'm not trying to make an excuse."
"Yes, that's exactly what you're doing. You make one every night."
Now she sighed in irritation. "Jess, have I left you unsatisfied at all? Have you ever had to continue being horny? Have you noticed all the exercise my damn mouth gets?"
"No, Janie, you're always more than willing to go down on me, but have you ever let me return the favor?"
She flushed. "Why would you want to? I'm pleasing you and all you have to do is lie there like some sultan in a harem! Why are you complaining?"
"I'm not complaining. You're very good at the pleasing. But you won't let me touch you. I haven't been able to even get close to touching you since you found out you weren't dreaming our lovely little episodes. Is that the problem? If you don't want to do it, Janie, just tell me. You don't have to."
"I know that. I do want to," she said.
"Then why do you keep rejecting me every time I try to take it a little farther?"
She shook her head, floundering for an explanation. "Jess, you don't...understand."
"You're right, I don't. Tell me what I'm supposed to understand."
"Okay...I don't know what I'm doing."
"That's funny, you seemed damn efficient to me," he said, raising an eyebrow.
"I know, but that's because I didn't realize I was really doing it. My dreams are uninhibited, but I'm not. I have no idea what I'm doing, but you do, and I don't want to act stupid or do something I'm not supposed to do, or not do something I am supposed to. You don't understand, Jess, because sex is no big deal to you, but it is to me. I know what to do, but I don't know as much as I would like. You have to remember, I had not planned to do this for years yet."
"What, you were planning to stay a virgin until you were the legal drinking age?" he asked sarcastically. "Get it all over with on the same night?"
She fought the urge to growl at him for his misplaced sarcasm. "No, I was planning to wait for my wedding night. Obviously I didn't plan to get married at eighteen."
He stared at her for a moment and then he seemed to realize something and he fell back on the bed. "You are still waiting, aren't you?" he asked, although it sounded more like a statement.
She looked down to avoid his gaze. "No..."
"You're not having sex until you're married," he muttered to himself in disbelief.
"Well, you don't have to be such a jerk about it. It's a nice idea, and not without its merits."
"Really?"
"Yes, really," she responded through gritted teeth, not appreciating his mocking tone. "It's the same idea that kept me from having sex with several guys already. Just think, if I had just been normal and slept with some nice guy at home, maybe he would have been the one to get me pregnant and I never would have come here and you never would have had to be so chivalrous as to pretend you did it. Wouldn't your life have just been great then?"
He sighed softly. "That isn't what I meant, Janie, and you know it."
"Do I know it?" she asked quietly. She shook her head. "I mean, you accepted the responsibility for John's sake, anyway. It's my fault you had to. I never should have made the trip. I had no right to come to you. I practically forced all of this on you, and now I'm being a perfect bitch and refusing you the very thing that supposedly got us here in the first place."
"Janie, listen to me. I love John like a brother. He's my best friend. But I am not the martyr you seem to paint me as. How can you even think I would give up my future, my life, and trade it in for diapers and monogamy because of my friend? I realize that's probably something you would do, but I am not such a saint, and I would never be that selfless. Granted, I was pleased that I avoided getting my ass kicked by your brother, but I'm also not such a wuss that I would let fear drive me to do something like this either. Think about it, Janie. How many times have I ended up fighting with your brother? I can think of at least two bloody lips that he gave me and one quite impressive black eye that I gave him. I'm not afraid of John, Janie. And for that matter, I didn't have to take the blame at all. I could have told him the truth or made you tell him the truth. I wouldn't have been beat up for that since I wasn't there. I chose to take responsibility on my own. John was a factor, yes, but not a deciding factor. Believe it or not there are some things I wouldn't do even for John, and playing daddy is one of them."
She frowned. "Are you saying you won't...that you want me to tell the truth?"
"No, I'm telling you that it was my decision. Mine. I'm tired of you thinking I'm only playing games to make John feel better. I'm not. Sometimes I feel like you're playing house. I'm not playing," he said slowly. "Do you understand? This is not pretend. This has never been pretend. The only thing that is pretend is the biology, which would obviously clear me of parenthood. Biology really doesn't mean crap to me. My father was biologically stuck with me. It didn't make him stick around. What does matter is that you get it through that thick skull of yours that I'm not doing you a favor. I'm not doing John a favor. I'm not even doing the baby a favor. As with everything, I took my own interests into consideration. I want to be with you, Janie. But you won't let me."
She frowned at the frustration in those last words. "I want to be with you, too."
"Then why do you keep pushing me away?"
She shook her head. "You don't understand."
"No, I don't, and I can't read your mind, so I need you to open up a little bit here. Is it that? Are you still determined to wait for marriage, despite everything?"
"No. I mean...." She sighed, shaking her head. "I don't know. That isn't why I keep pushing you away."
"Then why are you pushing me away?"
"Have you ever been raped, Jess?" she asked, the question coming out a bit harsher than she intended.
"No," he said quietly, looking down.
"Then you don't understand. It's going to be weird," she said. "I had never had sex before, and now my only experience with it is some anonymous pervert fumbling around in the dark. I don't even remember most of it. Can't you see how it would be a little bit weird for me to have to be back in that situation? I had no control over it at all, and even if I could have physically fought him off, the drugs had messed up my head and I was so dizzy I wouldn't have been able to walk out of the room. The choice was taken from me, Jess, and it's going to be really weird my first time after that. I hate that he left an impression on me, but...I've come to the conclusion that all men feel the same when they're on top of you, and it tends to make me feel helpless and I don't like it. And of course I know I'm not helpless and that you would never hurt me, but it really doesn't help when you get impatient with me."
He sighed. "I'm sorry, I don't mean...but I'm not even talking about sex sex. You seem to be comfortable with oral sex, and you have no problem touching me. But you won't let me touch you. I don't even want to know what you'd do to me if I tried to put my head between your legs."
She blushed. "You don't need to be vulgar."
"Sorry," he said in a light mocking tone. She didn't bust him on it, as it was sort of ecc
entric to be picky about his vulgarity when she was the one always doing the very thing he was talking about. "But could you at least compromise a little?"
She wanted to tell him no and cross her arms, pout, and stamp her foot. She had to remind herself she wasn't seven. "Jess..."
"Janie," he said, exasperated, "what do you expect me to think? I don't understand. You have no problem with doing it to me, do you? I mean, you never seem to have a problem with it. Am I reading you wrong? Is everything you've done because you feel pressured?"
"No," she answered fervently.
"Well then...I don't get it."
Set on evading it, she said, "Why can't you just enjoy what I do? Why would you want to do that? It's gross."
His eyes widened slightly. "Do you think it's gross when you're doing it?"
She flushed. "Well, no, but that's different."
"No, it isn't. It's exactly the same thing. Maybe you think it's gross because you're a heterosexual female, but as a heterosexual male I do not think it's gross. See how that works?"
She was still blushing, but she rolled her eyes slightly. "I thought men liked when women did that to them and didn't expect anything in return."
"Some do," he said. "In fact, I have. But you can only do it so long before you start feeling like a selfish prick. I happen to be at that point."
"Oh, but it isn't selfish," she said eagerly. "It'd be different if I was asking for it and you wouldn't, even though I do it to you all the time. But I'm not. I give you permission to do nothing. You can just enjoy it and I'm at your service."
"My little harem girl?" he asked teasingly.
She smiled and blushed at the same time. "Yes, exactly. I will fan you with a leaf and feed you grapes if you want."
"All to avoid being touched? That's quite impressive."
Light mood gone. She sighed. "You're not going to let up on that, are you?"
"Not until you answer me or kick me out of the bed. As it is my bed, though, I have to warn you that would be pretty mean."
She was quiet for a minute and he thought she wasn't going to answer him, taking the third option and ignoring him. But she said, "Okay. You're right. I'm very weird about being touched."
"I've noticed," he said.
"And I'm sorry. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, because I didn't think you would mind not having to do anything. I did realize the lack of sex might be a problem, but not the lack of touching."
There was a pause, so he filled it. "So...you're going to stop pushing me away? Or you're just letting me know that you're aware of it?"
"I'm trying to explain it," she said. "I have a bad sexual past, Jess."
He frowned. "I thought you were a virgin before..."
"I was. All that means is I never had sex."
His frown deepened, but he forced himself to stop being hypocritical. "Okay. Well, I'm assuming they were all clumsy boys. You don't have to worry about that Janie. I promise-"
"No, Jess." She shook her head. "That isn't what I meant. I meant...when I was younger, my uncle molested me. Obviously, that didn't make intimate touching appeal to me. I developed quite an unhealthy hatred for it. I got over that, though. But then...I don't know how to really word this without...weirding you out."
He frowned again and sat forward.
She swallowed. "When I was sixteen, my stepfather...not molested me, that isn't the word. I don't know the word, but he...I don't know, the closest word I can think of is fondle. He touched me. Not the way my uncle did, but close enough."
"Does your mom know about this?" he demanded.
She nodded. "Yes."
"What did she do?" he asked, his eyes wide in disgust.
"She...according to him, he didn't know it was inappropriate. She asked me if I wanted her to leave him, but honestly, how could anyone who knows me think that I would actually ask her to leave her husband? Things were weird for a couple weeks and then they went right back to normal—at least for everyone else. But I developed an aversion to touching. No one could touch me. Even my arm, if my mom or my brother, a little kid I was babysitting...I couldn't bear to be touched at all, in any way. In time, with some therapy, I got past that...but then the rape happened, and it just brought those feelings back to the surface, and..." She trailed off and shook her head.
Jess sighed and pulled her into his arms, kissing her on the head. "Oh, God. I'm sorry, Janie. I didn't know."
"I know," she said, not wanting him to think she blamed him. "You're just a normal healthy person with a normal healthy sex drive. It's completely understandable."
"No. I'm insensitive. I wasn't thinking. I won't pressure you anymore, okay?"
She nodded against his chest.
He kissed her on top of the head again. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, you didn't know."
"I know, but I still feel bad." There was a pause. "And I'm going to kill your stepdad when I have to go back there, just so you know."
She smiled against his chest. "You are not."
"Yes, I am."
"No. If you go to jail I'll never be able to afford to pay the rent, and I would sooner live in a box than room with only Todd."
"How can your mother not do anything? I mean, he...touched you?"
She nodded. "He'd start at my legs, but by the time he was done there was no part of me he hadn't touched. It made me sick."
"And your mom stayed with him?"
"Yep. Then he started meeting another woman, too, but apparently he never 'cheated' in the traditional Webster's definition of cheating. They had only kissed. Personally I would have been gone ages ago, but..."
"The minute he touched your daughter, you would have been gone."
She nodded. "Yep." She sighed. "You know, I hated having to tell you that, but I'm so glad it's out. I've never really been able to share it with anyone. Obviously my mom didn't want me to tell anyone, and I couldn't tell John, because you know John..."
"Oh...yeah. No, that would probably be a bad idea, unless you want John to go to jail for assault and battery or something."
"Exactly. I did tell one of my friends, and I made her swear to secrecy, but she's pretty much self-absorbed and she wasn't very helpful. She just gave him the evil eye every time she came over. Anyway, we're not even friends anymore. But I've never been able to...you know, confide in someone who cares."
"I'm glad you told me," he said, kissing her on the forehead again. "And I'm so sorry for being such a jerk. If I had known—"
"Consider it erased from your history," she said. "You didn't know, Jess. You couldn't possibly guess."
"Jeez, it's no wonder you didn't want to have sex until you were married."
She nodded. "I have had nothing but bad experiences with that horrid little monster."
"Well, it isn't always like that. But I do understand now, and I promise I'll be nice and understanding and...not driven by my libido."
She smiled. "Okay. But don't think you have to be a monk now. I have felt nothing but good about what we've been doing."
"Thank God for that," he said.
She chuckled and shoved him. "I think it may be blasphemous to thank God for that outside of marriage."
He smirked and gave her a kiss. "Go to sleep, angel."
She blushed a little at the endearment, but she curled up in his arms just the same and closed her eyes, shoving the past away and enjoying the security of his embrace.
Chapter Seven
Wednesday, Janine's mother caught up to her.
Janine had been avoiding her, and ignoring the pangs of guilt she felt for not calling her, for days at a time. The longer she waited, the guiltier she felt. She knew her mother would be mad, so she kept putting it off. Every day she said she needed to call her mom, but every day she managed to put it off.
Wednesday, her mother called, and Janine took a deep breath and answered the phone. Predictably, she blew up at Janine, yelling at her and making her feel sick the way she always did when her mom
was mad at her. She yelled about Janine not calling, yelled about her going to New York City without permission, yelled about pretty much everything that had been building up. Most of it was being screamed so loud that Janine didn't even hear half of what she said.
Janine was near tears by the fifth, "What the hell is wrong with you?" so she ended up blurting quite gracelessly, "I'm pregnant!"
The line fell silent for a brief moment, and then her mother screeched, "What?"
Janine sighed and shoved her hair behind her ear. "I'm pregnant," she said miserably. "I've been avoiding your calls because I didn't know how to tell you, and I didn't know what to say. And I've felt really bad about it, but I just didn't know how to...what to say."
"How are you pregnant?" she exclaimed.
She sighed again. "Mom, I know we didn't have a really thorough birds and bees talk, but I did get the basics."
"You aren't even seeing anyone, Janine. How the hell do you get pregnant without a boyfriend?"
Janine really had no idea how to respond to that. "Well...it just happened." As soon as she said it, she grimaced, hating to say something so typical.
"Who is the father?" she ground out.
Janine bit her lip, feeling her cheeks heat up like they always did when she lied. "Jess," she said sheepishly.
"There is no way you got pregnant and know about it this quick," her mother stated.
"He came to visit John in the spring, remember? Well, he sort of came over to say hi to me, and...one thing led to another..."
There was another moment of silence, and the longer it stretched the worse Janine felt.
"Say something," she finally said.
"You're coming home," her mother finally said.
"But Mom—"
"No buts. You are coming home immediately. I'll call and get you an airplane ticket for the soonest flight I can find and you're coming home."
Janine panicked. "Mom, I can't do that. I can't just leave before Jess gets home either. That would be really crappy of me. Anyway, I love being here with Jess. We do couple things, and we watch movies together, and he loves when I make him dinner. Even John said I'm getting to be as good a cook as you. I don't want to come home right now. I got a job, and I even like it. I work at a pizza place. You know I couldn't find a job at home, and I need a job, because I need money for the baby. Jess likes me being here. He takes care of me, Mom. You know I'm safe with Jess, so really there's no reason to come home right now. I have to work anyway. I can't just leave. I just started."