by Rose, Ashley
"No, I...It's just that I'm really not ready for another relationship right now," she said with a sigh. "I'm just not. And I don't want to risk our friendship for a rebound relationship. I'm not even on rebound, not really, but...I am not at that point that you need to be at to have another relationship. I am still hopelessly hung up on Jess, and I know that sucks, and you probably don't want to hear it," she said. "You're sweet. But I'm not...there. You know what I mean?"
He nodded. "Yes, and I agree."
She sighed in relief. "You do?"
He nodded. "I think we should just be friends for now."
"Oh, good," she said. "I didn't want you to think it was you, because it really isn't."
"No problem," he said, shaking his head. "I like our friendship anyway. You're probably right. A rebound relationship would screw it up."
She smiled. "I'm so glad you feel that way."
"Hey, Janine," a guy in the back called. "Need some more sauce!"
"Yeah, be right there," she called back. She turned to Larry and smiled. "Can you watch the register?"
"Yeah," he said with a nod and a half smile.
She went to the back and Larry stood there watching her as his smile slowly waned. He frowned thoughtfully then glanced back up at where Janine stood in the back. He sighed slightly and the smile came back as he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms.
***
Every single day, Janine kept meaning to tell her mother the truth about the baby, but she couldn't seem to do it. Janine did consider, very briefly, telling Larry the truth about the rape. He seemed to be a good friend. Maybe he could give her advice on whether to tell John or not.
She always stopped those thoughts. She had confided in Jess, and look where that got them. No, it was her problem and she would just have to deal with it on her own. Besides, she didn't want everyone to know what happened to her. It was embarrassing, and she didn't even want to tell her own mother, let alone an eighteen-year-old guy.
***
Janine didn't tell her mother the truth until the middle of October, and even then, it wasn't on purpose. It was a weekend when John had come home.
"What's wrong?" she asked John one day, after sitting at the table in an awkward silence for more than two minutes.
"Nothing," John said, not looking at her.
"You know what, John, I think you're being a little bit hypocritical," she stated.
He finally looked up at her and frowned. "What?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. How come it was okay when Jess was the father? How come you weren't ashamed of me then?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," he mumbled, looking at his hands.
"Yes, you do. You can't even look at me, John. I realize that it's not something to be proud of, and I'm not, but can you honestly look me in the eye and say you've never done anything you regret? No, you can't. You and Jess do stupid stuff all the time, but when I do it, you think it's bad. I am not a feminist, but even I have to say I have a serious problem with this particular double standard. You have hooked up with a girl you knew for a half hour, and so have most of your friends. It's something you do all the time. You've done it since you were my age, probably younger."
"It's different, Janie. You're my little sister."
"I know that, John, but you didn't have much of a problem when you thought Jess was the father."
"Right, I must have imagined going to New York City with the intention of killing him; my mistake."
She rolled her eyes. "I know that, but as soon as he explained things—"
"As soon as he explained," John said, cutting her off and standing up, bracing his palms on the table, "that he was going to be with you and take care of you. As soon as he lied to me and told me it was all his fault. It was a completely different story with Jess, Janine. You could have thought you were in love with Jess. You've always thought you were in love with Jess. If you're sleeping with someone out of love, I can overlook it. But just having sex with someone you don't even know is not okay, Janine, and I never thought you were like that. In fact, you have told me on numerous occasions that you were exactly the opposite. Excuse me for being a little bit confused that my priggish little sister turns up pregnant and doesn't even know the father's name!"
"Stop yelling," she yelled. "Why am I not allowed to make mistakes, John? Other people are."
"I don't care about other people, I care about you. And if you've lied to me and kept this from me..." He stopped and shook his head. "Was it even the first time, Janine, or do you make a habit of sleeping with nameless guys that don't give a shit about you?"
She straightened in her seat and folded her arms across her chest. "I won't dignify that with a response."
"Can you blame me for asking?" he asked, shrugging sarcastically.
"I guess you don't know me very well," she said, standing up.
"I did. I don't know what the hell happened to you, Janine, but I used to know you. Now I can't tell from one minute to the next if you're even telling me the truth."
Janine shook her head and turned to walk out of the kitchen, but she stopped when she saw her mom standing in the doorway and her eyes widened. "Mom. What are you doing?"
Janet didn't say anything, just gave her an angry stare.
Janine glanced off to the side for a moment, then back at her mom. "How much did you...hear?"
"Who's the father, Janine?" she asked, her tone icy.
Janine swallowed and rested her hand on her stomach. All she really wanted to do was run. Run as fast as she could out the door, and run as far away as she could. A nice fantasy, to be sure, but she was quite thoroughly trapped in the kitchen, fenced in by the stupid web of lies and half-truths she had woven.
"I don't know," she said quietly.
Her mother nodded slightly. "So you slept with someone and you didn't even know his name," she reviewed.
Janine swallowed, torn between bursting out that she would never do something like that and just agreeing and getting it over with. However, she had learned her lesson all too well this time around, and she had no desire to repeat it ever again. "It wasn't like that," she stated.
"Then explain," Janet said.
"I don't...know how, and honestly I don't want to. I don't want to go into this, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to answer questions, I just want it to go away. I already told Jess all of this, on numerous occasions, actually, and I don't feel like opening it back up."
"Well, it's fine and great that Jess knows who the father is, but I'm not so privileged, and I want to know," Janet said.
Janine tried to figure out how she could just blurt it out and walk away. She really, really, really didn't want to talk about it. "I already told you I don't know his name. I wasn't lying about that. I have no idea what his name is or even what he looks like, to be honest. I can't tell you if he's short, tall, dark hair, light hair, blue eyes, brown eyes. I know absolutely nothing about him. I didn't sleep with him and it wasn't a one night stand. He...put something in my drink. I believe I passed out for a few minutes, whether from the drugs or fear I don't know. I only know that I was only conscious for a few very long minutes, and the last thing I can remember is looking out the window, but I have no memory of the actual...sex. I remember knowing what was going to happen, and trying to push him away from me, but we all know I've never had a ton of physical strength, and he did."
Her mother had her mouth covered and was walking around chanting "Oh, my God" by the time the story was finished and John was as white as a sheet.
"Now, can I go upstairs? I really don't want to be bothered right now." She felt dirty and used just thinking about it enough to tell them, and she just wanted to curl up in bed and cry for a while. She took her leave, hiding in the sanctuary of her room.
Chapter Ten
"Janie, I was thinking, why don't I stay here an extra day," John suggested. "I mean, none of my classes are so important that they can't be missed, and—"
"No," she said, cutting him off. "No, no, no. You are going back to school, you are going to class, you're going to study. When you're not studying you can think about ways to accept this whole situation, and then you can come back next weekend and be normal," she said with a smile.
He looked down sheepishly. "Am I weirding you out?"
She sighed and gave him a pat on the back. "It's not your fault, I know. I'm sorry. I'm really trying to be patient, it's just...this isn't a new thing for me, and even when I told Jess...there was not an extended period of awkwardness. He didn't treat me like a porcelain doll and he mostly seemed to accept it after the initial shock."
A very small pouty look formed on John's face. "I still don't understand why you went to him instead of me."
She half smiled at his sullen expression. "You're my brother, John. You're protective of me. I didn't want you to feel...I didn't want you to have to deal with it."
"But you had to deal with it. You tell me everything. You could have told me, and then this whole fiasco with Jess never would have happened."
She frowned slightly. "What do you mean?"
"You wouldn't have gone there, I wouldn't have had to want to kill him, he wouldn't have had to lie to me, you guys would still be in your respective places, and most importantly, you never would have gotten your heart broken."
"John, things with Jess may not have turned out how I would have liked them to, but I would never take it back."
He opened his mouth to respond but his cell phone started ringing, so he sighed, looked at it, frowned, and said, "Uh, I'll be right back." Then he said, "Hello," and walked into the other room.
"Hey," Jess replied.
John looked over his shoulder to make sure Janine hadn't followed him. "Hey, man. What's up?"
"Uh, not much. I just thought I'd give you a call. Haven't talked to you for a while."
"Right."
"Is this a bad time?" Jess asked.
"Uh, no. No, it's just...I can't talk long."
"Well, I can just go and you can call back later."
"No, wait," John said. "I've been sort of wanting to talk to you this weekend, but I haven't had the chance."
"Okay. Why?"
John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, glancing over his shoulder again. "Janine told me."
There was a pause, and then, "Janine told you...what?"
John sighed again. "She told me what happened. I know you're not the father and I know she was...raped."
Jess sighed. "She told you?"
"Yeah," John said. "We were sort of in a fight and out it came. She told Mom, too, so you're off the hook."
"Great," Jess said flatly, "my dream come true."
John nodded, deciding to change the subject. "How's, uh, Lisa?"
"Who?" Jess asked.
"Lisa. The chick you went out with?"
"Oh, her. I have no idea."
"Didn't work out?"
"There was nothing to work out, John. We went for drinks one night. The minute she brought up Taylor Swift in a non-joking, non-mocking way, I was thinking up an excuse to leave. By the way, you were in desperate need of a blood transfusion, and I share your very rare blood type."
John laughed. "That bad, huh?"
"Didn't I just say she brought up Taylor Swift?"
"Was she at least hot?"
"She was okay, I guess. I don't know. I wasn't really into it."
"Huh," John said, turning around to look back at the doorway. "Well, I should probably go."
"Uh, how's Janine?" Jess asked, sounding like he was trying to sound casual.
"She's fine. A little annoyed with me for babying her, I think, but in general she's pretty good."
Jess nodded, forgetting John couldn't see him. "Work?"
"Work's fine. She still has the job at the pizza place."
"Huh. Cool." He paused for a second. "The baby. Has she been to the doctor or anything?"
"No. She has an appointment Saturday at four to find out if it's a boy or girl, though, so she's pretty happy about that."
"Right." The line fell silent again, but just as John was about to attempt to hang up again Jess continued. "Does she ever even mention that I called? I mean, she left me a message once, so I called her the next day, left her a bunch of messages, but she still hasn't called back, and it's been sort of a long time. I was just wondering why she isn't calling. Is she mad at me or...I mean, is that why she won't call?"
John grimaced. "Jeez, man, you sound like you're pining or something."
"I'm not pining," Jess muttered. "I was just asking. You are her brother. I figured you would know what's going on with her. The last time we talked was crappy. I stormed out of the apartment. I believe my last words to her were 'have a safe flight'. I would like to talk to her again and show her that I'm not a jackass, and I can take things amiably, just preferably not with less than an hour's notice."
"Look, man, I know you feel the need to make nice or whatever, but honestly...I don't think you should."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. I don't think you should. Janine...you know Janie. The only way she will ever stop being hung up on you is if she doesn't like you. If you prove her 'perfect man' theory right and try to make amends with her, she won't move on. She'll probably take it the wrong way, too, and think you want her back. She's going to continue to pine over you, miss you, want to be with you. Janie's just like that. The only way to get her to stop clinging to you is to let her know it's over. If you guys are friends she's going to have that little thread of hope, and she isn't moving on. Hell, she's already done it. She's supposed to think you suck because of your parting, but that didn't stop her from hesitating to go out with Larry because she thought she might be disloyal to you. Imagine how much worse it'd be if you guys made nice. My poor nephew will never get a father."
"What the hell are you talking about? Who's Larry?"
"This guy that's crazy about her," John said, shaking his head. "That's what I'm saying. I realize you're used to remaining friends with your exes, but you can't do that with Janie. She isn't the type to be able to separate the two. If you're talking to her, she'll feel like something's there. When you date, she will be jealous. She won't date. She'll feel bad about it." John shook his head. "It just isn't a good idea, Jess."
"Who's Larry?" he repeated, more distinctly this time. "Is she dating Larry?"
"They went out," John said vaguely. "He hangs around a lot. All I'm saying is maybe you guys should leave things be."
"Is that why she won't call me back?" Jess asked grimly.
John sighed. "No. She doesn't know you want to talk to her."
"What the hell, man? Didn't you tell her I wanted to talk to her?" Jess asked, confused.
"Well...no, not exactly. I was about to tell her, but that was when she told me you weren't the father and then I was pissed and I just walked out," he said. "I didn't get around to telling her."
"And you didn't bother getting around to it when you remembered?"
John sighed. "Jess, she only got the one message."
"What?"
"That day after you called the first time, Janie left her phone at home by mistake. Mom and I talked about it, and we decided Janie wasn't ready to deal with you, so we deleted all your calls. She doesn't actually know you called her back."
"Jesus, John! That's not your decision to make. You never told her I called at all?"
"No," John admitted.
"She thinks I haven't called her?"
"She knows about the one call she returned," John pointed out.
"Big fucking deal! She thinks I called her once? You actually let your little sister think the first man she's ever been intimate with stormed out of the apartment without a good-bye and never bothered to call her again until a month later, then refused to return her damn phone call?"
John grimaced. "You make it sound—"
"Dammit," Jess said, sighing. "Damn you, John. You had no right to do
that. What the hell were you thinking?"
"I was thinking that you cause too much emotional damage, and I'm ready for this to be over with," John said honestly. "Larry's a nice guy. She likes him. He's nuts about her. He doesn't even care that she's pregnant. He would never be able to wreak havoc on her heart like you can, and frankly I think the guy's just a bit too mushy to do it even if he thought he could."
"I do not wreak havoc," Jess said.
"Jess, do you have any idea how hurt she was when she found out about Lisa? She stayed in bed all weekend, and only came out because she had to go to work."
There was a brief moment of silence, and then a quiet, "What?"
John frowned uneasily. "What?"
Another pause. "I know you could not have possibly just said 'when she found out about Lisa,' because you would never be prick enough to tell her about a girl I had one drink with one time."
John sighed again. "Larry had asked her out and she didn't know what to do, so she asked me if you had moved on. I told her about Lisa so she wouldn't feel like she had to—"
"What the fuck were you thinking?"
John sighed. "Jess…"
"No. Go to hell," Jess said.
The line went dead and John turned his phone off. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, muttering a curse and closing his eyes, then leaning against the wall to mutter a few more foul words.
John left shortly after he took his phone call. Janet stepped in with the pampering.
"Are you okay, honey?" she asked for the fifth time as Janine sat at the table, looking out the window.
Janine clenched her teeth. "Yes, Mom. I'm fine."
Janet sat down across from her. "I think we should talk about it."
"I don't want to talk about it," Janine stated. "I already told you, I don't want to talk about it. I know you just found out, but I've known for months, and at this point it's behind me, and I'd really like to keep it there."
Janet looked down at the table, not seeming to know what to say. "Do you think you should get counseling?"
"No. Mom, I told you, I'm fine."