What I Need

by J. Daniels

  “You used shouty caps, Bethie. And like, four exclamation points,” Tessa explains. “I know you have news.”

  “I was just really wanting us all to hang out, that’s all.”

  Straight-faced, Tessa looks from Beth, to myself, to Mia, and then back to Beth. Her eyes narrow. “Everyone at this table is a liar,” she mumbles before reaching for another chip.

  “I sort of have news,” Mia throws out, then waves off Tessa when she shows an interest. “You already know about it. Nolan and his girlfriend?”

  Tessa rolls her eyes through a smile. “Six-years-old and already pussy-whipped.”

  “Stop it,” Mia scolds, giggling. “It’s really sweet.” She gives me her eyes then. “Nolan met this little girl at that wedding we went to a couple of weeks ago. He followed her around the whole time, and now he’s like, completely obsessed. He calls her his princess. Princess Ryan.”

  “Aw.” I smile. “That’s so cute.”

  “Is he still sending her pictures he draws?” Tessa asks.

  “Yep.” Mia nods. “Everyday. I told him to space them out a little, but he won’t. He’s using up all of my stamps.”

  “They were adorable together at the wedding,” Beth throws out. “Do you remember her dad? I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He kept giving Nolan looks.”

  “Smart man,” Tessa says, a wicked gleam in her eye. “Those Kelly boys are trouble.”

  Mia gives Tessa a playful shove, then she turns back to me, keeping her smile. “Did Reed tell you about the party we’re having? We planned it that weekend. Have you spoken to him?”

  I shake my head. “No. Not recently.”

  “It’s the last Saturday of July at our house,” Mia shares. “Just a little get-together. All of us and our boys. I’d love for you to come.”

  “Really?” I ask.

  Mia laughs at my shock. “Of course.” She squeezes my hand that’s on the table and leans closer to me, holding all kinds of meaning in her eyes. “You’re one of us now,” she says.

  I’m one of them. A fourth to their girl’s night. Part of their tight group of friends.

  Finally.

  I smile at her, loving how that sounds. “Okay. I’ll definitely be there.”

  “Great.” She gives my hand one last squeeze before releasing it.

  “McGill’s can provide the food, if you want,” Beth announces. “I know you’re not having a huge party or anything, but still. I can talk to my uncle about it.”

  “Really? That would be great. We could do like, a bunch of sides with burgers,” Mia suggests. “Thanks, Beth.”

  “No problem.” Beth takes a sip of her water, sets it down, and looks around the table, keeping her hand wrapped around her glass. “So, I sort of have something to share.”

  “I knew it.” Tessa rolls her eyes. “Let me guess. Reed is allowing you to tie him up now. His kink goes both ways, doesn’t it?” She rests her chin on her hand and wiggles her brows.

  “Gross,” I mumble, scrunching up my face.

  Maybe hanging out with this group wasn’t the best idea. I don’t want to hear about my brother like that. When I joke about it, it’s one thing. I don’t talk specifics. And I sure as hell don’t want any.

  “Pipe down, missy,” Tessa directs at me. “We’ll get back to you in a minute.”

  My eyes widen. Hers twinkle with the promise of dick discussions.

  I reach for another chip and stuff my mouth full.

  “No. That’s not it. Well, he’s not not allowing me to tie him up.” Beth tilts her head, thinking hard. “We haven’t really gone there. And, I don’t know. Honesty? I’m not really sure I want to. I like the way things are.”

  “Don’t knock it `til you try it,” Tessa utters.

  “Luke lets you do that?” Mia questions. “I find that hard to believe.”

  “He doesn’t really have a say when he wakes up handcuffed to something.” Tessa’s smile is full of mischief.

  The girls all share a laugh, while I picture hard-edged Luke Evans waking up cuffed to the bed.

  He always looks so angry. I can’t imagine him letting Tessa get away with that.

  “Well, anyway, Reed’s kink is not my news,” Beth continues.

  I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank God.”

  Mia laughs. Tessa shoots me a challenging look, then puts her attention back on Beth. “Well, if that does happen, please, ignore Riley and let that be news,” she says.

  Beth smiles. Her shoulders rise and fall with the breath she takes in. “I’m pregnant,” she reveals.

  My eyes widen.

  “WHAT? Oh, my God! Really?” Mia asks, leaning over the table. “You’re pregnant?”

  Beth quickly nods her head.

  Mia squeals, jumping out of her seat and rushing around me to deliver hugs. “That is the best news you could ever share, Beth! Congratulations!”

  “Thanks. We’re really excited,” Beth says through a grin, staying in her seat and propping her chin on Mia’s shoulder as she reciprocates the hug.

  “You should be! Daddy Reed. Oh, my God, I am so happy for you guys.”

  I smile at Beth when Mia moves back around me to reclaim her seat. “I thought you were going to wait until you had a blood test done before you told anybody,” I remind her, thinking it’s odd she’s sharing this right now. I just found out yesterday.

  She shrugs. “That was the plan, but I can’t get in to see my doctor for another two weeks. And I took like, nine tests so . . .”

  I lean forward and pull her into a hug, both of us giggling and holding tight. “I am so excited and happy for you,” I tell her. “You’re going to be such an amazing mom.”

  She is. Beth is so nurturing and gentle and kind. I can totally see her rocking parenthood.

  “Thank you,” she speaks against my ear.

  “And I’m going to spoil that kid rotten. I’m buying them everything they ask for. I don’t even care.”

  Beth laughs as we separate. She sighs, looking almost as happy as she did the day she got married, but her smile fades when she turns her head and looks to Tessa. “What’s the matter?” she asks.

  I look across the table then too, catching the last bit of Tessa’s head shake.

  “Nothing. That’s great,” she says, breaking a chip in half and then dropping it back onto the stack of nachos, sounding and looking like Beth’s news is anything but great. “I’m really happy for you guys.”

  “What’s wrong?” Beth asks her again.

  “Nothing,” Tessa repeats, her mouth pulling into a frown. “It’s just, can we like, get some alcohol or something? It’s Friday night. We should be drinking.” She gestures at her glass and then slams back in her chair, drawing her arms across her chest. “Well, you can’t, but I can,” she mumbles through a pout.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Mia probes. “Why are you acting like that? This is exciting news. It’s Beth and Reed.”

  Tessa’s lips press together and her face falls after hearing that. She pinches her eyes shut, then cuts them to Beth. “Shit. I’m sorry. Just ignore me, Beth. I’m being an asshole.” She leans forward, grabs Beth’s hand that’s on the table and squeezes it between her own. “I’m really happy for you guys. I am. I promise. It’s just . . .” Tessa’s eyes fall away. “We’ve been trying, and I just got my stupid period again yesterday.”

  “You and Luke are trying to get pregnant?” Beth asks. “I didn’t know that.”

  Tessa nods. She releases Beth’s hand and slumps back into her seat again.

  “Sweetie,” Mia soothes, reaching out and rubbing Tessa’s arm.

  “I don’t get it,” Tessa begins. Her voice is soft against the music playing overhead, and I have to sit forward to hear her. “When I didn’t even know if Luke and I were serious or not, I thought I was pregnant. We weren’t trying then. Now I’m off my birth control, we’re having sex every five minutes, and I can’t get knocked up. What the hell?”

  “How lo
ng have you been trying?” I ask.

  “Not long, but still.” Tessa gestures with her hand, as if to say any explanation for this isn’t good enough. “I’m young. I’m fertile. Luke has a sex drive like he’s just gone through puberty. I should be able to get pregnant like that.” She snaps her fingers. “No problem.”

  “I think you’re stressing out too much,” Mia offers. “That can mess with things. Make it take longer than it should. I’ve read about that.”

  “Yeah, I've heard that. I think I saw it on Grey’s Anatomy too,” I share, trying to recall that episode.

  “See!” Mia smiles at me, then looks back to Tessa, saying, “Grey’s Anatomy. You love that show.”

  My reference doesn’t seem to ease Tessa’s mind any. Still pouting, she looks down at a spot on the table. “I want a family with him so bad,” she shares, voice heartbreaking. “What if I can’t give him one?”

  Her question lingers heavy in the air. I don’t know what to say, and neither does Mia. She’s beginning to look just as sad, as if she’s now unsure herself and worrying the same thing. The only comfort she can provide is her touch on Tessa’s arm. That’s it.

  Someone has to say something. I look to Beth, hoping she has some comforting words to offer up, but she’s too busy chewing on her cuticle and looking on the verge of gnawing her entire thumb off.

  Damn it. What episode was that? Was it Izzy? I feel like it was Izzy . . .

  “Well, Riley is living with CJ,” Beth throws out like a grenade she wants to blow me apart with.

  WHAT?

  I cut my eyes to her as Tessa and Mia gasp in shock. “What the hell, Beth?” I snap. I can’t believe she just blurted that out! “I told you that in confidence.”

  She shrugs and continues chewing on her thumb, still looking as uneasy as she did a minute ago.

  “Wow. I had no idea,” Mia softly proclaims.

  “Hold the fuck up,” Tessa bites out, drawing my attention to her. She’s sitting up now and on the edge of her seat. “We’re over here talking about how I can’t get knocked up, killing the mood and making each and every one of us depressed on girl’s night—a night that is always about a good time—and you’re sitting on a secret that juicy? What gives, Tennyson?”

  I open my mouth to explain, I think—really, I have nothing planned—when my big blabber-mouthed sister in law cuts me off.

  “She slept with him at the wedding too.”

  “Beth!” I slap the table and glare at her. What in the world? “What is wrong with you? Do you need to go sit at another table?”

  “Oh, yeah, I knew about that,” Mia throws out, sounding confident.

  “What?” Tessa’s voice cuts through the air, demanding attention, but I keep my focus on Beth.

  Eyes on me, soft and pleading for understanding, she mouths “sorry”, and I get it then. Her uneasiness. The harm to her poor thumbnail. She was wanting to get Tessa’s mind off all the pregnancy talk. Beth felt bad about her announcement and the pain it was causing her friend. That’s why she gave up my secret.

  I sigh, shoulders sagging as I shake my head at her, but I lose my anger. This is Beth. She didn’t do it to be mean.

  But God . . . damn it. Now everyone knows.

  “Um, hello?” Tessa’s pressing voice turns my head, grabbing Mia and Beth’s attention as well. “Why am I the only person at this table who didn’t know you were riding the Tully train?” she asks me.

  I frown.

  The Tully train?

  “Well, to be fair, I only had an idea that the two of them slept together,” Mia reveals. “I didn’t have confirmation on that.”

  “Yeah, and I’m the only person who knew they were roommates now,” Beth adds. “I knew for sure they slept together though. Riley told me.”

  “How many times have I said there are no secrets within the squad? We share everything,” Tessa proclaims, looking between Beth and Mia, then settling her disappointed gaze on me. “And how long have we known each other, Riley? My God. You couldn’t tell me?”

  “Sorry.” I shrug. “I just . . . I didn’t know I was even in the squad.”

  Really. I had no idea. This isn’t just me making up excuses.

  Tessa laughs a little, while Mia whispers, “I just love her,” and Beth squeezes my wrist.

  “Well, you are now,” Tessa states, keeping her smile. “So, spill it. How’s the big bull ride, anyway?”

  I hesitate answering, looking from Mia to Beth—both of whom appear to be just as interested in what I have to say as Tessa. Great. Then I place my hands flat on the table, meet Tessa’s eyes, and lean closer to ask, “You aren’t going to mention this to Reed, are you?”

  I need to make sure whatever I say stays here, at this table.

  “What?” Tessa laughs, looking almost offended at the question. “Are you crazy? No, I’m not going to tell Reed. None of us are. What is said amongst the squad, stays within the squad. This is like Fight Club. You don’t talk about it.”

  “She’s right,” Mia adds, looking at me with trust in her eyes. “Whatever you tell us, Riley, stays between us. Unless you say different.”

  I believe Mia, and I know the girls won’t say anything now. I feel good about this.

  “Okay.” I nod before leaning back and settling in my seat. “Um, well, I’m not sleeping with him anymore,” I announce, looking back to Tessa. “I’m just living with him. But I don’t want Reed to know that either. Not yet.”

  Tessa shrugs. “Hey, to each their own. But you were sleeping with him.” She gives me a knowing look.

  “Just the weekend of the wedding,” I clarify. And I wish we were still doing it, I don’t share. “I, uh, thought I was single. And CJ and I hit it off at the bar and just, kept hitting it off. Then I got home and found out I was still with Richard, so, I asked CJ if we could be friends. We’re just friends now.”

  “But you like him, right?” Mia asks.

  I nod, looking between the three sets of gossip-absorbing eyes. “Yes. I do. I like him. I’ve always liked him, but . . .”

  “But?”

  I swear, they all say that in unison.

  “But now I’m just helping him heal. That’s it.”

  A strange tightness forms in my chest. I just told them the truth—I am only helping CJ heal. That’s why he asked me to move in. That was all he wanted.

  It’s just not all I want. Not anymore.

  “Oh, I bet you’re healing him, all right,” Tessa teases.

  “Tessa,” Mia scolds, mouth tight. She shakes her head.

  “What?” Tessa gives her a look. “We are all curious here, Mia. Not just me. CJ is as big as Ben, and I’m wondering how well his stamina holds up.” She drops her chin on her fist and looks at me expectantly. “So, spill it. What’s it like?”

  “Nobody is as big as Ben,” Mia claims, saving me from having to give an answer. She makes a face at Tessa, and I get the feeling there is a hidden meaning behind her statement, one I’m not privy to.

  “That is yet to be determined,” Tessa argues, looking to me then. “Riley,” she prompts.

  “Yes?”

  “Care to share? Is CJ bigger than nine?”

  “Nine what?”

  “Inches.”

  My eyes widen. I nearly swallow my tongue. “Ben is nine inches?” I ask, mouth agape at Mia. “Wow. That’s . . . good for you. Congratulations.”

  She giggles, hand to her mouth and cheeks blushing pink. Beth joins in on the laughter as well, back to her happy, blissfully married self and no longer stressing about her big reveal. And seeing that, I smile.

  Tessa looks across the table at me, and when she has my attention, holds her arms out in a welcoming gestures and grins.

  “Welcome to the squad, Riley Girl.”

  Hours of conversation later, where I reveal little information about CJ’s bedroom habits and instead share how well he’s doing in his recovery, information Tessa pretends to care nothing about—but I know better—I arrive
home, eyes sleep heavy and yawns on repeat. I’m desperate for a shower, my bed, and my new favorite hoodie.

  I’m also anxious to see CJ. And to talk to him. And to just . . . be around him. Laugh and play the way we do. I feel like we haven’t really spoken to each other since yesterday at the range. Hopefully he’s done working out and fully clothed now. I don’t hear any music when I reach the porch so I should be in the clear, but if not, I’ll just sprint past his doorway with my eyes closed.

  Using my house key, I unlock the front door and push it open. When I step inside the house and lift my head, turning it toward the living room, I smile.

  CJ is asleep in his go-to spot, head at one end of the couch and feet at the other, wearing a shirt now—thank God—with one hand curling around the X-Box remote he has resting on his chest and the other tucked behind him. The football game he was playing is paused.

  I drop my book bag onto a stool and empty out my pockets at the island, then I walk around the back of the couch and place my hand on top of his.

  “CJ,” I whisper.

  He doesn’t move. Doesn’t pause in his breathing. His chest rises and falls slowly, evenly. I look at his messy auburn hair and his dark jaw. He skipped shaving today. But even with the rugged stubble and giant body, CJ still looks gentle when he sleeps. He always does. He’s like a big, sexy, muscular teddy bear.

  This isn’t my first time catching him on the couch.

  I decide to leave him there while I hop in the shower and wash off my day. Then after combing out my hair, brushing my teeth, and getting comfy in my rolled Victoria’s Secret sweats and Tully hoodie, I walk back out into the living room.

  I grab one of the pillows and slide it under CJ’s injured ankle, boosting it up, then I take his remote, sit in front of the couch on the floor, bend my knees, and dig my toes into the side of the trunk.

  It’s late, and I was tired, but my shower woke me up. I want to play a little.

  “Let’s go boys,” I say to the TV, keeping my voice quiet as I unpause the game.

  My man, number twelve, runs around the field in circles while I get used to the controls. As the team huddles together, fingers move through my hair at the base of my neck, and I peer over my shoulder, meeting sleepy blue eyes.