Carbon Life

by HR Ringer

  Xiùlán hadn’t expected to welcomed back with open arms, but Sammy’s words had a terrible bite to them. “I… oh, God, Sà mǐ.” In a voice thick with raw emotion, she breathed, “Wǒ ài nǐ, sà màn shā… [我愛你,薩曼莎 - I love you, Samantha] I am so sorry that I hurt you.” Xiùlán hesitantly brought an arm up; holding out her open hand, she pleaded, “Would you throw away everything we have just because I spoke harshly to you one time?”

  Traynor, after glancing at the outstretched hand, pointedly ignored its presence... causing Xiùlán to slowly lower it back to her side. “Okay, then…” she gasped. “I guess I’ll go back to the transient docks, see if I can hitch a ride back to the Tokyo.” She hugged her middle with both arms, as if she was suffering physical pain. “I am sorry to have bothered you, Samantha. I really believed we had a special bond, a bond that would stand up to occasional disagreements, but it seems I was mistaken.” Voice hitching, she squeaked out, “If you truly don’t love me anymore, I’ll leave…” Turning around, she slowly walked back the way she had come, passing by the bench where she had waited for Sam to come home.

  Traynor had tried her damnedest to harden her heart, to wall off her feelings for the woman slowly walking away like some kind of broken simulacrum. ‘Good riddance,’ came the thought, as Xiùlán got further away, finally disappearing into the gloom of the access passage to the docks. ‘What the ‘ell did she think… that all she fuckin’ needed to do would be to just show up here and I’d fall all over myself to forgive her?’ Sammy continued to think about Xiùlán’s last words as she walked towards the entrance to her residential block.

  * * *

  * ALLIANCE CRUISER SSV TOKYO, 2-Km FROM ARCTURUS STATION *

  Olivia McKenzie had just finished her shift and was ready for some well-deserved downtime as she entered the compartment she shared with Xiùlán. She fully expected to have the space to herself, as the lieutenant had gone ashore to see Specialist Traynor. That she’d find Xiùlán in her rack, back turned to the hatch, was the last thing she expected. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she placed a hand on an upper arm as she quietly said her name. Asking, “What the hell, Yuán? Why are you back so soon?”

  The woman turned a tear-streaked face towards Olivia and whimpered in a voice filled with pain, “She sent me away, Kenzie… I apologized… begged for forgiveness… told her I love her. She wouldn’t even talk to me.” After haltingly repeating the words Traynor had said to her, Xiùlán turned back towards the bulkhead as her shoulders began shaking in grief. “I don’t know how I’m going to live, Kenzie. How can I keep going when the woman who owns me, heart and soul, has cast me away? I don’t have any reason to live. She saved my life… saved me, got me to safety, only to do this? I wish she had left me to die on that miserable station…”

  McKenzie was flabbergasted. She knew Traynor, of course… knew she was a hotheaded individual, but if what Yuán had said was true, then the specialist had developed an unbelievably cruel and callous attitude to someone extremely close to her. Standing in the middle of the compartment, she thought about what she could do to help. She finally decided to place a call to the specialist, see if she could get her to see reason. Determined, she walked out of the small compartment and closed the hatch so Xiùlán would not overhear the ensuing conversation; if Traynor had become so vindictive, Olivia had no intention of being even remotely gentle.

  Looking up Sammy’s comms address was easy – all she had to do was check the terminal for sent messages from Xiùlán; as the only person the lieutenant had ever tried to contact was Traynor, it was an easy task. Olivia placed the call and waited.

  * * *

  * ARCTURUS SHIPYARD · SPECIALIST TRAYNOR’S RESIDENCE *

  The trill from the comms unit drew the disgruntled specialist from her small kitchen to see the ident tag for the Tokyo on the comm unit, but it was not followed by Xiùlán's personal ID. She must be having trouble getting a flight back if they are looking for her here. A niggling fear caused another thought to sneak into her mind before she answered the call. I wasn't exactly thrilled by her showing up on my doorstep without warning, but I hope nothing's happened to her... Guilt clawing at her gut, she quickly keyed the unit to accept the call. "Specialist Traynor. Can I help you?"

  "Yes. You can. You can shut up and listen to me... as a friend to both Xiùlán and you."

  Caught off guard, Traynor blurted out the query without thinking. "Who the ‘ell is this?" The last thing she had expected was for an irate voice to come blasting out of the comms before the picture had a chance to resolve into an identifiable person.

  "This is Lieutenant Olivia McKenzie, and I can't believe you! You said you could accept being treated badly by most anyone, anytime, except when it’s coming from the woman you loved... Loved! As in past tense!" Traynor started to say something, only to have McKenzie roughly cut her off. "What part of shut up didn't you hear, Specialist? You need to keep your goddamned mouth shut and listen to me, or you're gonna lose the best person that's ever happened to you!"

  She fell silent for a moment to make sure Traynor wasn't going to hang up on her. Satisfied she had the woman's undivided attention, she continued, "I know damned well this isn’t the first time Xiùlán has tried to talk to you about your anger issues. Only this time, it made you angry because your actions actually got put in your record... and Xiùlán's response was basically, 'I told you so' and you couldn't handle it."

  Traynor's eyes opened wide at how much Olivia knew. "I was acting in self-defense!"

  "And getting all pissed off about it has done you good how? And then you have the utter damned gall to take it out on Xiùlán because she tried to curb your temper! You know damned good and well she's right… especially after you threw the hissy fit you did and cut all contact… a perfect example of your typical behavior! The very point Xiùlán was trying to make to you is what caused all this stupidity to begin with! I don't know why, but she still loves you, you idiot... and you turning her away like this is tearing her heart apart! If your goal was to make her hurt in the same way as you were hurt, you fucking well succeeded, Traynor!"

  The expression on McKenzie's face, the disgust and disappointment, spoke volumes more than her words as the lieutenant continued on her rant. "If you can't see the woman for who she is, then Xiùlán is better off without you... assuming all of this doesn't throw her into such a depression that she loses her career. The only thing that's kept her together these past weeks has been her solitary hope that you would take the opportunity to talk to her, face to face, so she could explain. All the shit you two went through for one another and you wouldn't even grant her that."

  "She surprised me... caught me off guard! I didn't know she was coming!"

  "You weren't taking her calls. How the hell was she supposed to ask you if it was okay?" McKenzie's scowl deepened. "If that's the best you've got, then, fuck you, Traynor! Don't bother us again, and I'll make sure Xiùlán pulls through this and doesn't lose her career over the likes of you."

  Before Traynor could make some other lame excuse, Olivia reached out and hit the terminate button. She turned away, mumbling to herself, "What a bitch." She glanced at her suite-mate's door and sighed heavily. "Don't you worry, Sister. I got your back on this one… No matter the outcome."

  Samantha Traynor sat, face flushed in a mixture of anger and embarrassment, staring at the comms terminal that had been the vehicle of the worst ass-chewing she had ever endured, going all the way back to basic training on Titan. Her mind was reeling… ‘What the hell is Olivia McKenzie doing on the Tokyo, and why is she going to the mat for Xiùlán? Has she discovered that Xiùlán is emotionally vulnerable, is that it? Is she moving in, planning to fill my place once I’m outta the picture?’ A wave of jealousy washed over her, followed just as quickly by raging guilt for how she had treated Xiùlán.

  ‘The way I acted towards her… was just like a petulant child.’ Moisture began collecting in her eyes, forcing her to blink rapidly to clear
them. ‘I sent her away in the cruelest manner I could think of. What the ‘ell is the matter with me?’

  Traynor began thinking back, remembering how she had met Xiùlán. ‘Was it only ever physical between us? No! She told me she wasn’t into one-night stands… told me she wanted to be sure before committing to an ongoing relationship with me. She had never fallen in love before.’ Slowly moving back to her tiny kitchen, she picked up her now thoroughly cold dinner and dropped it in the recycler. ‘How in the bloody fuckin’ ‘ell am I going to fix this? I can’t let McKenzie have ‘er – not even a chance I’ll let that happen.’ The wave of jealousy rolled over her again, only to evaporate just as quickly. ‘McKenzie isn’t the problem!’ came the thought. ‘It’s me… I’m the damned problem.’

  She sat down in stunned realization. ‘I… am the problem. Shit!’ Traynor activated her omnitool and set it to compose a text.

  Xiùlán: I have acted like a bloody fool. I am so sorry for the way I behaved today. You didn’t do anything to deserve that attitude from me, and I am so, so sorry. If you can find it in your heart… somewhere… to forgive me… to give me another chance. I still love you, Xiùlán… I have never stopped loving you. Please… come back to the yard… come stay with me, for an hour or two, if you can, or overnight, if you wish. I will do anything to win you back… just, please. Don’t shut me out of your life. Send me a message… or call me. I’ll wait to hear back from you. 沒有你的愛我的生活是不完整的! You have my heart, my love.

  It took her thirty-five minutes to look up and carefully enter the Chinese characters that were tattooed across the top of her bum; the meaning, ‘without your love my life is not complete!’ was in jeopardy of becoming a hauntingly true statement… one she would carry to her grave! She read the message through several times. Punching in Yuán’s extranet address, she took a deep breath… and clicked SEND.

  * * *

  * ALLIANCE CRUISER SSV TOKYO, 2-Km FROM ARCTURUS STATION *

  In the women’s officer’s living spaces, an omnitool on the wrist of a Staff Lieutenant – exhausted and asleep in her rack – came to life, glowing a deep ultraviolet purple. At the small desk by the compartment’s entrance hatch, another lieutenant noticed the brief glow with a touch of satisfaction. Olivia McKenzie smiled, thinking, ‘Good! Maybe I scared some sense into that woman. We’ll see what happens tomorrow.’ Rising from her chair, she quickly stripped out of her SDU, pulled on a sleepshirt and climbed into her own rack. Tomorrow promised to be an interesting day.

  Chapter 39: Missed Opportunities

  If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself. – Nikita Gill

  * * *

  Inamorata – A woman with whom one is in love or has intimate relations; a female lover (Italian)

  Nángùn – (南棍) literally, a ‘southern staff’, polished, two-meter long white wax wooden staff

  NDA – Non-Disclosure Agreement, signed by Yuán and Traynor at termination of the O7 program

  SDU – Standard Duty Uniform

  VI – Virtual Intelligence

  XO – Executive Officer

  * * *

  * ALLIANCE CRUISER SSV TOKYO · 2-Km FROM ARCTURUS STATION *

  Staff Lieutenant Yuán Xiùlán had somehow managed to get back to the Tokyo after attempting to speak with her Inamorata at her residence in the Arcturus shipyard. Yuán actually didn’t remember the shuttle ride back to the ship, and since she was supposed to be on leave, she managed to walk to her quarters – seemingly in a daze – without talking to anyone. Once in her suite, she went straight to her bunk; after pulling her boots off, she curled into a fetal position on top of the coverlet and blankets, her back to the open area of the compartment, and stayed in that position until Olivia disturbed her nearly ninety minutes later.

  After reluctantly – and tearfully – telling her friend and roommate what had transpired at the shipyard, she had retaken her position facing the bulkhead as she embraced her lower legs with her knees under her chin. Despite the aching hurt to her insides, Xiùlán finally managed to drift into a sleep, troubled by dreams of a Samantha Traynor she had never known.

  Xiùlán awakened slowly, grudgingly; she didn’t want to move from her position, but it became increasingly obvious she needed to pee. Reluctantly straightening her long legs, she discovered she was covered by a blanket. ‘Kenzie,’ came the thought. ‘Had to be her.’ Swinging her legs over the edge to place her feet on the deck, she sat for a few moments, getting her bearings in the darkened compartment. As she was getting ready to stand, her omnitool lit up, its eerie purple glow – standard omnitools glowed in shades of orange – casting strange shadows in the room.

  She rubbed her eyes for a moment, then walked to the hatch; from there, it was a short trip down the passageway to the woman’s head. Once inside, she utilized the red lighting of the middle watch to find her way to the toilet; when she was done, she washed her hands before heading back to her bunk.

  As quiet as she had been, she had disturbed Olivia, who rose slightly to lean on one elbow and ask, “Everything okay, Yuán?”

  Smiling at Olivia’s concern, she sat in the middle of her mattress, where she folded and crossed her legs beneath her and replied in a quiet voice, “No, but I think I can survive.”

  McKenzie was quickly out of her own bunk and came over to stand in front of her despondent friend. “I’m so sorry for your pain, Xiùlán. I wish there was something more I could do for you.” She instantly regretted her words as Xiùlán asked in a voice tinged with suspicion, “Why, what have you done already?”

  McKenzie turned and sat on the foot of the bed beside Xiùlán. “You should probably check your messages, Lieutenant. I think your omnitool coming to life as you left to go to the head is what woke me up.”

  Xiùlán was instantly apologetic. “Oh, Kenzie… I am so sorry. I was trying to be quiet.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Just… check your messages so we can get back to sleep.” Thinking, ‘I am not going to tell you what I already did unless it becomes necessary,’ she drew one foot up to place alongside her other leg while she looked expectantly at her roommate.

  “Oh, I don’t know, Olivia… it’s probably just a class schedule change. It’ll certainly keep for the rest of the night.”

  Thinking, ‘Dammit! Stop being so stubborn,’ McKenzie said in a quiet voice, “I’d prefer that you open that message now, Lieutenant. That purple glow every 15 minutes is hard to disregard.”

  Xiùlán could see there was no hope of ignoring Olivia, as much as she wanted to just crawl back into her shell of misery. Activating her omnitool, she looked at the sender information and gasped. “Sammy?” Opening the message, she read it in silence, the doubts and unhappiness in her expression at, “Xiùlán: I have acted like a bloody fool…” rapidly giving way to cheerful hope as she finished with, “I’ll wait to hear back from you. 沒有你的愛我的生活是不完整的! You have my heart, my love.” She reread the message twice more, savoring each word as it were a precious, life-saving elixir. She looked at Olivia, still sitting beside her on her bed, watching patiently and waiting expectantly.

  “She wants to talk to me, Kenzie,” Yuán cried in an excited voice. “She apologized to me, told me she still loves me!” Xiùlán started to weep, her shoulders shuddering as she gasped, “My God, Kenzie!” In a voice now hitching as she sobbed with happiness, she said, “I have to call her right now!”

  Xiùlán started to get off the bed, only to have a pair of arms reach around her, gentle hands grasping the side of her ribcage. “Whoa there, Lieutenant. Stop right there!” Olivia knew Xiùlán was more than strong enough to overpower her, immobilize her in any number of ways, but she didn’t believe she had anything to fear from this woman. “Hear me out, Xiùlán, before you run to that comms unit or reply to that text… Please?”

  After glancing down at Olivia’s arm across her chest, Yuán loo
ked at her roommate with a mixture of incredulity and upset, marveling at her boldness. “Okay, Lieutenant… you have my attention. What do you need me to know?”

  McKenzie released her grip on Xiùlán’s side and withdrew her arms, embarrassed to realize her right arm had been hard against Xiùlán’s breasts. With a suddenly sheepish look on her face, she admitted quietly, “Okay… it’s said confession is good for the soul, and I have something to confess to you. I was going to tell you in the morning, but… here we are now, and you’ve seen Traynor’s message.” Olivia reached for and took Xiùlán’s right hand as she continued in a rueful voice, “After you told me how Traynor had acted when you went to see her, I was so pissed off for you I could hardly see straight. So I called her, Xiùlán… on the comms unit. I called her… and I read her the riot act.”

  Xiùlán’s mouth fell. “Kenzie, my God, what did you say to her?” She looked at her omnitool, a hint of distrust now in her eyes.

  McKenzie saw the look and said, “That message came within an hour of my hollering at her… I didn’t see what it said, but I believe you should take it at face value. I think I probably scared the living hell out of her, Xiùlán, and whatever she wrote to you, whatever she said in that text? It’s the truth, of that I have no doubt.”

  Xiùlán stared at her roommate for several seconds before she found her voice again. “Okay, you think I should wait to call her?”

  “Absolutely. Call her at 0630, when you normally get up. Tell her the truth… you cried yourself to sleep. After the tongue-lashing I gave her, she’ll be convinced I was acting without your knowledge… which I was, but if you call her right now, she may think you persuaded me to call her and chew her out. You’re my friend, Xiùlán… I consider you my sister, and sisters don’t allow other people to be mean to their own.”