Dying to Return (The Station #3)

by Trish Marie Dawson

  “Please, don’t,” he says. His face is twisted into an expression that almost seems painful. I stop moving and watch him.

  “Have I upset-,” I start to say, but he cuts me off with a wave of one hand.

  “Piper, when my thoughts, memories and feelings flooded into you, yours did the same. Obviously our reactions were a bit…different.” My face heats up, but I force myself not to look away from him as he continues. His voice drops even lower and he looks at the floor briefly before meeting my eyes again. “I know that your feelings for me are confused. But I admit I was surprised and happy to know you have any feelings for me at all.”

  “Rush…” I can’t finish the words. They catch in my throat like bubbles.

  “It’s okay, Piper. I understand, really I do. You have Sloan waiting for you.”

  My head nods and a sadness fills his eyes. This is horrible.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  When I don’t object, he nods and continues. “I know why you first cared for him. He replaced a hole inside yourself that you’ve been trying to fill for a very long time. A hole you didn’t even know you had.” Rush stops talking and sucks his lower lip in. When he inhales, his chest fills out the front of his shirt. “This is what you do for me.”

  My cheeks are wet again. I don’t know how to react. What do I do? Should I touch him? Should I speak? Should I run?

  The whites of his eyes have turned a pinkish color as he blinks back his own tears. With a hand extended, he says quietly, “Please…don’t run.”

  ***

  The room is dark and cool from the midnight air. Because I’ve left the terrace doors open all the way, only the chaise lounge is lit by the moons. The rest of the space is shrouded in gloom, like my mood. No matter how many times I toss and turn on the soft mattress, I can’t get comfortable enough to fall asleep. My cheek keeps sliding around on the silk pillowcase, so I toss it to the floor, using only my arm for support. A million things run through my mind.

  Rush offered to take me home. He was willing to walk me out to the bridge this very evening and return me to the Station to be with Sloan. And, yet, I said no. Why? The answer is muddy in my mind; it’s not a clear explanation, but I know it’s not just about my desire to finish my training. It has to do with Rush, himself. He fascinates me. Unlike with Sloan, he’s been inside my head and still likes me. Would Sloan’s feelings for me change if he was allowed to wander through my mind, unhindered? A huge part of me says, yes. Yes, they would change.

  I never do fall asleep before the new day starts. I have thought about everything Rush has taught me, showed me and told me since I met him. Even replayed my assignment with Sloan and our time alone at the Station. There’s Mallory and Kerry-Anne and Niles lingering around too - toying with my memories. If someone shook me, I’d blow up and explode like a soda bottle.

  When the first sun rays of the day hit my open room, I think I’ve decided what to do. It’s the right thing, no matter what Rush feels, or I feel. When I was living on Earth, I made a series of choices that were the wrong ones. Now, as I roll over in bed and stare at the lace pattern of sunlight on the wall as it filters in through the curtains, I know I’m ready to make the tough decisions; the right ones.

  It’s time for me to grow up.

  ***

  I’m wearing a bright green tunic with capped sleeves, loose-fitting white slacks and a pair of silk slip-on shoes a shade paler than my top. My hair is braided and messily swept up onto the left side of my head, with soft tendrils peeking out around the side of my face. My blue eyes are darker - almost deeper. As I look at my reflection in the mirror, Della’s smiles back at me. With her hands on my shoulders, she spins me around and embraces me in a tight hug.

  “It’s been so nice having you here. I hope you know that.”

  With one arm pinned between us, I’m only able to return the gesture with a half-hug, but my sentiments are the same. “Thank you for being so kind,” I say to her with my best smile.

  “Are you ready?” she asks as we walk to the door.

  I nod as we exit my room and step into the wide hallway. Though I’m tempted to run back into the room and bury myself in the bed pillows, the decision has already been made. “I am.”

  “You’ll be okay, Piper.”

  I hope so.

  We follow the corridors around to the stairs and chat about nothing and everything as we descend to the main level of the building. Servers and attendants greet us with smiles and nods when we pass by, and a small child playing in an empty doorway hands me a white flower before skirting off. Della takes it from me, snaps off the long stem and places the partially open bud into one of my braids. It smells like citrus and flashbacks of my grapefruit scented hair at the Station flood through me.

  “Thanks for making me feel pretty today.”

  Her eyes widen before she places a hand on the top of my arm. “Piper, you are pretty. You’re beautiful - exquisite in fact. Always remember that, okay? Beauty is not something you see on the face, it is something the face shows from the soul.”

  Choking back tears, I hug her tightly as we exit the main floor and walk together into the garden. The smells of blooming flowers overwhelm me but I breathe them in deeply anyway. I want to remember this moment – freeze it in my mind and hold onto it forever. Della turns me to face her, a ray of sunshine fitering through her dark hair, making the blue streaks light up, and places an open palm above mine. I let my guard down, and allow her inside just enough to hear me.

  Thank you.

  My dearest Piper. It is I who should be thanking you. Your people are very lucky to have you, I hope you know that. Now, Rush is waiting…go.

  We break our connection and she leaves me with a smile. He is nowhere to be seen, so I assume Rush is still inside or making preparations, so I wander between the fruit trees and flowering bushes, touching them, inhaling their fragrance, wondering about their names.

  “Hello, Piper,” he says quietly from underneath the shade of a wide-leafed tree.

  I jump, and then laugh. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were out here. Morning,” I say as casually as I can manage. Today changes everything. I hope I’m ready.

  “I wanted fresh air and time to…think.” He smiles, but there’s a hollowness behind his eyes. He pushes off the tree trunk and walks toward me. “Are you ready?”

  “I am. I think.” My smile is a fake one, but my intentions are sincere.

  “Follow me then,” he says with a wave of his hand.

  I join him, allowing his arm to hover behind me as we walk through the garden. We say nothing to each other and by the time we have reached a small rustic fountain, my nerves are a mess. He sits down next to the stone base and dips one hand into the gurgling water. He makes no gesture for me to sit with him, but I do so anyway, facing him with my legs tucked beneath me.

  “It’s really pretty here,” I say quietly.

  He nods, still not talking, and twirls his finger through the fountain.

  “Will you tell me what’s on your mind?”

  With a sigh, he finally removes his wet hand and rests it onto one propped up knee. The way he sits reminds me of the first time I saw him at the Station. Except then he was overwhelmingly arrogant and…alien.

  “If we do this today we can’t take it back. You understand this?”

  “I understand.”

  “And you feel prepared?”

  “Yes.”

  With a nod, he smiles and leans forward. “Okay then, your hands?”

  I readjust myself into a more comfortable sitting position and extend my arms toward him. A slight buzz comes from his palms and I open myself up to it. After closing my eyes, I make my connection with Rush once again and although I don’t know exactly what will happen during our transference, I know one thing is certain. The next time I open my eyes, I will be a Seer.

  CHAPTER 8

  The sky twinkles like stardust and for a brief moment I expect fairies to fly down from ab
ove and dance on the tip of my nose. As I blink, the ‘stardust’ becomes less blurry and takes the shape of hundreds of tiny lights strung together in no particular order and I realize I’m looking up at the underside of a garden terrace. Perhaps I wasn’t too far off with the fairies.

  “Closer than you think, actually,” Rush says at my side.

  I jerk upright too fast and sway slightly. He rights me by placing one of his large hands on my shoulder.

  “Rush? Was I…did I faint?” I’m mortified.

  “No, you slept. Fainting implies only a brief lapse in consciousness. You’ve been out for hours. Four, I think.” He smiles down at me as I gape in shock.

  “Four hours?” Not possible. How did I pass out for four freaking hours?

  Your body needed the rest. Now take a deep breath - regulate your senses.

  My guard is down, isn’t it?

  Yes, but only for a few moments. Once you awaken fully and remember your session, you will be free to block me out of your mind once again.

  I smile weakly at him. Sarcasm. He’s chosen to be sarcastic at this moment.

  What else have I?

  With his question, I remember it all. The transference between Rush and I. The history of his home. The history of my home. The beyond. My purpose. It’s all there, in some opened part of my brain, tickling every sense I have like a shot of adrenaline. And there’s a switch. I flip it, and smile at Rush with a raised eyebrow.

  “You have found it, I see.”

  “I can turn it on and off as I choose now?” I know the answer even as Rush nods.

  “You have complete control over your own thoughts and who is entitled to them. You’ll have access to anyone with an open mind, as well. My advice is to be careful with this particular ability. Not all things are worth hearing.”

  It’s impossible to miss the sadness in his eyes, and though he has shut himself down from me, I have no doubt he is referencing something he took from me during our transference.

  “It feels strange.” I rub at my temples, aware that I have more knowledge shoved into the space between them than anyone back on Earth can even comprehend.

  “Yes, but you will get used to it. Piper, can you stand?” As he rises, the soft fabric of his pants slide against his skin and I find the subtle sound comforting. I swallow the taste of something fruity from the back of my throat and blink as Rush helps me stand.

  “I’m good, I think.” Pressing the wrinkles out of my own clothes, and pushing the escaped hair back from my face, I look around the garden. At night the space is just as exquisite as it is during the daylight hours. The stone pathway that wanders between aisles of vines and trees glows a soft yellow color. Lights are hung around the frames of terraces and tree trunks so that the entire space gives off a bewitching luminescence.

  “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it? The gardens are one of my favorite places to be at night.” Rush begins to walk away from me, strolling slowly along one of the pathways between two thin trees with full branches of wide leaves. I have no idea what kind of tree it is, but berries the size of a pea shimmer a purplish tint in the low lighting.

  “What is that smell?” I feel like a tracking dog. The trail of a fragrance that leads toward the side entrance of the building is almost visible.

  Rush laughs and winks at me over his shoulder. With one word, my stomach clenches in anticipation.

  “Dinner,” he says.

  ***

  It might possibly be the best meal I have ever eaten in my entire life – living or dead. A salad, glazed with something sweet and berry-like with toasted breads and dipping oils introduces a soup with flavorful vegetables and grains. My mouth has died, again, and gone to Dhara Heaven.

  “So Andurush tells me that your Seer training was successful?” Andulen sips an amber fluid with floating green sprigs and places the damp glass onto the mat beside his plate. His food is almost gone, just a few bites left, yet the server removes it and replaces it with a bowl of pudding. He is dressed much like he was the first time we met – in a simple white tunic with an embroidered collar and loose-fitting khaki pants. The chaplet around his neck reflects the pale lighting of the room. Any other man wearing such a thing would look ridiculous and gaudy, but Andulen wears his royal jewels with a subtlety that expresses humbleness and wisdom.

  His soft curls swirl around from the ceiling fans as I nod in affirmation. “Yes, I believe so. Though I do feel tired from the training, I also feel…I don’t know…rejuvenated.”

  He smiles at me before acknowledging his son, who sits to my left, sipping the same kind of drink as the High Sire. “And Andurush, everything went smoothly? There were no…delays?”

  I feel myself blanch at the memory of my first transference session with Rush in which it ended abruptly with me vomiting on the floor.

  “Yes, Father. All went as planned.” He pauses and looks over at me with a warm smile. “Piper will be a gifted Seer. I’m sure she will be a great addition to her Station.”

  “Ah, yes. The Station. Are you certain of your plans as suggested to me earlier?” Andulen leans back away from the table and stretches, adjusting one leg beneath the other knee. I have never in my life heard of a royal member sitting such a way at dinner. Andulen might be one of the coolest rulers ever.

  Rush clears his throat and looks sharply at his father, who nods and changes the subject. I’m not sure what has happened, but it’s obvious the two of them shared a private moment they didn’t want me privy to. “Actually, I think Piper might be ready to travel a bit, father. She agreed she would like to visit a sister Station. We leave tomorrow.”

  “So soon?” Andulen looks surprised. “I wish the High Mother was here to meet you, Piper. She would like you very much.”

  “I’m sure she’s lovely. Everything about your home and your people has been truly amazing. Thank you for having me here.” I love Dhara, I do, but I miss being home. I miss Sloan.

  “Sorry! Sorry!” I jump in my seat as Andella rushes into the room from a back entrance that I thought was all wall. She seems a bit dressed up for supper, since the rest of us are casual.

  “Daughter. Thank you for gracing us with your presence. Finally.”

  She rolls her eyes with a smile. “I am sorry, Father. My prior engagement ended a bit late.”

  “And how is the handsome Philian?” Rush asks.

  “Rush! Father, are you going to allow my dear brother to tease me in front of company?”

  With his hands up, the High Sire grimaces. “As if my orders have ever kept the two of you from teasing the other wherever and whenever you choose.”

  I laugh along with the others. Their family unit is so strong that I’m envious. Not in a bad way; in a way that makes me wish all families were so tightly knit together. The worlds would be better off.

  “Piper, my love.” Andella sits at her place opposite of Rush and smiles at me sadly. “Are you sure you want to leave us so soon? I will miss you dearly. I feel as if you are part of the family.”

  I feel Rush stiffen at my side and Andulen’s gaze on Della. I mumble, “You’ve all been so welcoming. Thank you.”

  She nods and shoots daggers at her brother. I assume this means he is glaring as harshly at her. “So, Rush…will you bring Piper back to us soon?”

  I choke on one of the floating green leaves in my drink and a servant appears behind me, with his hand on my back. He doesn’t pat it, which honestly would make me choke harder, just keeps it there as if to tell me I’m not alone in my suffering. Seconds later I ungraciously cough the leaf out, and the servant neatly wipes it from my hand with a napkin and returns to a corner of the room. Embarrassment is an emotion too kind for me at the moment. Mortification seems more fitting. I want to slide into a puddle on the floor so I can hide under the table.

  When the room is certain I can breathe again, Rush speaks firmly to Della. “We haven’t discussed a return to Dhara yet, Sister. I assure you, we will now.”

  “You better.”
She smiles at me before continuing, “I don’t want this to be a final goodbye.”

  I nod, still struggling to right my ragged breathing. Rush hasn’t mentioned I could return to Dhara. I just assumed this was a one-time visit. Does he not want me to come back? After what happened between us during our transference, I suspect he’d be happy to never see me again.

  ***

  It’s raining tonight in the city. Even though the heavy clouds are full of moisture, I can see one of the quarter moons peeking through the misty gaps every now and then. The curved shaped of my balcony beckons me outside, so I lean against the solid rail with my face turned up, enjoying the feel of the cold rain on my body. I haven’t stood out in the pouring rain since I was a young child. And now I wonder why that is. As a kid I would dance in the overflowing gutters with glee, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and shorts. The rain is never really freezing in San Diego any way. But then the rain somehow wasn’t fun anymore. One of the first parts of making that change from being a kid to becoming a teenager was no longer enjoying being soaked from an impromptu rainstorm. Something depressing happens in everyone’s childhood; kids grow up.

  “How terribly sad,” I murmur to the fat drops hitting my face and trailing down my neck. The rain has soaked my clothing, but I don’t care. I’ll dry. This is one thing I want to do before I return to the Station. Once there I’ll be my normal self again; half-alive and half-dead. There are no rainstorms there - just the fountain.

  “Nothing about this picture makes me think of sadness.”

  I jerk uncontrollably at the sound of Rush’s soft voice just behind me, and turn to find him leaning against the open balcony doorway, one hand on the curtains and the other tucked behind him. The satiny fabric shimmers to life at his fingertips, turning a golden poppy color.

  Not surprisingly, I can’t speak. What is it about this man that causes me to lose function of my most basic ability to create sound?

  “You startled me,” I manage to gasp out after a few uncomfortable moments of staring at him.