So my dear child, my Raven, my firstborn, after you read this letter I pray that it’ll bring you peace and help you accept yourself as this wonderful daughter to us and incredible big sister to Esther, Tahlia and Phil Junior. You are a part of us and always have been.
Love, Your Mother,
Clare.
Clare read over it one more time and put it in an envelope. She decided that the next time she would see Raven, she would give her the letter. It was something she wanted Raven to read right in front of her. Clare knelt down and prayed for peace.
Chapter 35
Raven felt the cold so much more in Africa because there was no central heating. Some hotels had heated floors, but most offices utilized space heaters and some homes had wood burning fireplaces. June and July were very cold at night, but during the day the sun was sweet. Though she still worked at the clinic with Josh, she had also become very useful for the clinic working at a non-governmental agency in Nairobi, securing aid and more physicians to come and help with the clinic and other desperate areas. Josh and Philip both wanted to expand the clinic, build a real operating theatre and get more physicians. He had once told her that there were very few doctors for every thousand people. It shocked Raven when she realized the kind of illnesses people died from that could have been cured so easily in the United States. The infant mortality, the women who died giving birth, the AIDS deaths. It was overwhelming.
The arrangement that had Raven spend time in the city had been working well for them for two weeks. She was just finishing off her report on the computer when she felt someone cover her eyes from behind. She squealed with surprise.
“Guess who?” It was Josh.
“What are you doing here?” Raven asked, turning around in her swivel chair. Her hair was now done in tiny micro braids. She couldn’t believe how inexpensive it was to get her hair done in Nairobi, and they were so artistic about it.
“I came to pick you up. I thought we could go visit this new market and maybe find some pieces for your collection of African art.”
“Is there a point in collecting African art if you live in Africa?” she asked, getting up from her seat and hugging him.
“It can be put in our house in the States. We should have a home there for when I go back and work there to renew my certifications and raise money for our kids.” Raven laughed at his enthusiasm.
Their relationship was chaste and he was patiently giving her time to heal but everybody at the clinic had noticed the warmth between them, the gazes they shared when they thought nobody was looking. Zahara and Aziza would tease her about it in Swahili and she would answer back saucily. She was now almost fluent in Swahili.
“I like your way of thinking,” Raven said, shutting down her computer.
“I thought you would.” Josh took her work bag from beside her desk while she picked up her purse.
She closed up her office and went to join Josh in his new truck. The new, white SUV had been donated and worked better than the old pickup Josh had been using when he arrived. She sat in her seat and Josh closed the door. She rubbed her hands.
“It’s so cold.” Raven’s teeth chattered.
“I’ll turn on the heat,” Josh said starting the car and turned on the heat.
Raven loved the market and being there brought back the memory of her apartment in Detroit and the closet where she had kept all her artifacts. She tried not to remember when Amari had opened the closet and everything had tumbled down and his look of surprise. She looked at a gorgeous tie-dye fabric to distract her from thoughts of Amari.
“Look at these,” Raven cried, walking through the outdoor market. “Josh, how did you hear about this market? I thought I’d been to all of them.”
“This one is not frequented by most tourists. Here you can actually barter.”
They spent two hours there. Then, as it was getting dark already, they started the long drive back to the clinic. They talked and laughed all the way back home and Josh put on one of the hats she bought at the market. She laughed at him as she got out of the car as the last vestiges of the sun shone over the mountain ahead of them. Josh walked around the car and opened her door for her and she adjusted his hat, laughing. Her laughter froze when she saw a figure of a man walk towards them from behind the clinic. She felt fear at first.
With the sun behind she couldn’t see who it was but there was something about him that looked familiar, something that caused her heart to almost jump out of her body. He stepped closer and her eyes widened with shock. It was Amari.
Chapter 36
“Hello,” Amari finally said after the few moments of stunned silence. Josh moved his packages to his left hand and held out his hand to Amari.
“What a surprise! When did you get here?” Josh asked, shaking his hand. His voice sounded calm and in control. Josh never lost his cool while she shook with shock.
“About four hours ago. I arrived in Nairobi two days ago and drove out here today,” Amari replied, then looked in Raven’s direction. She smoothed her black pants with hands that were suddenly sweaty. She stared at him, her heart still beating fast. She could barely hear what he was saying as a million thoughts went through her head. “Hi, Raven,” Amari said, his eyes on her. She was staring at him like he was some strange animal. She couldn’t tear her eyes away, and it took her a while to find her voice. When she finally spoke her voice sounded strange to her ears.
“Ummh, Amari. What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you,” he said, then looked at Josh as if asking for permission. “I just wanted to talk to her.”
“Raven,” Josh said, and she looked at him.
“Josh. I didn’t ask him to come here,” she said, looking from Josh to Amari.
“I know, Ray,” Josh said. “I think he wants to talk to you. I’m going to go and visit my friend Amos at the farm. I’ll give you two some time to talk, okay?”
Raven and Amari spoke at the same time. He said thanks and she said no vehemently. Josh touched her gently on the shoulder.
“It’s fine. I’ll be back soon, all right. I’ll just put this stuff in my place.” Josh walked towards Amari and stopped just by him, thumping him on the shoulder. “Amari. It’s good to see you.” Raven watched Josh walk into his house. She turned to look at Amari in the now-fading light.
“It’s okay, Raven. I won’t bite,” Amari said, still standing a few feet from her his hands on his side. “I just came so we could talk.”
Raven folded her arms, looking down. She looked at him in confusion and then turned to look as Josh came back. She wondered what kind of picture the two of them made standing there facing each other like adversaries instead of former couples.
She knew he found this whole situation more than awkward. Who wouldn’t?
“You look good,” Amari said, and Raven walked past him towards the house.
“You could’ve called,” she grumbled, her confidence still ebbing. She ignored his compliment. She did not look good. She was living in the country and here nobody cared about what you wore or what hairstyle you had. Still, she wished she had worn her black and white pants that fitted her better than the black slacks she had on and quickly chastised herself for even caring. She was almost near the door when she heard Amari’s voice behind her.
“I can’t believe you are living here.”
“A lot of people live here,” she murmured, then spoke louder. “I can’t believe you are here!”
“I should’ve called, but I just thought surprising you would be good.”
“You thought wrong. How did you even know how to get here? We don’t have Mapquest here.” She stopped outside her door, key in hand, looking at him.
“I did some research. I’ve actually been in Nairobi for three days. I had to build up my courage to come here.” His words made Raven stop and look at him. Through the faint light she could see the sincerity in his face and her heart melted a little. His presence had certainly stolen all her words from her min
d. After a while she said, “And you waited here for four hours. What if we had stayed in the city? What then?”
“I don’t know. Is it safe here? It’s kind of in the middle of nowhere.”
“There are villages all around and a farm farther north. It’s quite safe,” Raven declared, and then looked around. She didn’t know where to take Amari to talk to him. The clinic didn’t have space, and it was too cold to stay outside. Her room was so tiny Amari would practically fill it up with his height and those big feet.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“This is my place,” she said, opening the door. It creaked a little as she stepped in. “I guess we can talk here. It’s too cold out there.”
Amari bent his head as he walked into the room. It still held the same bed, but Raven had tried to make it homely with a few framed pictures of her family and a new duvet on the bed. Her clothes still hung on the makeshift closet that Josh had now put doors on. She had purchased a hand-carved wooden chair that was opposite her bed. She turned on the light, glad that the solar panels had gained enough power to light her room.
“You have electricity?” Amari asked, looking at the flickering bulb.
“We use solar. The electrical generator is mainly used for the clinic and the surrounding areas rely on the solar panels. The rest of the villagers use firewood for cooking and candles for light.”
Amari nodded. She glanced at him as he stood awkwardly by, looking around the tiny room. Raven tried to see it through his eyes but she was too nervous to look around.
“Should I sit here?” Amari asked, pointing to the chair.
“Can you fit?” Raven asked, sitting on the edge of her bed. She felt very crowded in the room all of a sudden, and the fading light of the evening made everything seem like a dream to her.
“I’ll try.” Amari sat in the chair, looking very uncomfortable. “It’s a nice chair.”
“Thanks.” Raven tried to smile back, but it was hard. She took a small blanket and covered her legs. Amari looked at her and their eyes held. She smiled shyly. His eyes still had a hold over her. How often had she dreamed of them?
“How are you?” Amari asked after a few seconds.
“I’m all right. I’m getting used to life in Kenya. Different pace. Less to worry about,” Raven said.
“I’m proud of you,” he said. “You’ve always cared about other people, and now you are here helping the most helpless.”
“Josh is the amazing person. Everybody here loves him. He is the most selfless person I’ve ever known.” Raven looked at Amari, hoping for a response, but none was coming. She smiled.
“What’s so funny?” Amari asked when he caught her smile.
“You. What has brought you here, thousands of miles from home?” she asked. “This small talk?”
“No. I came to see you. Wanted to see why I couldn’t get you off my mind,” Amari said, looking at her. Raven moved back to the wall like a cornered mouse.
“That’s all very well, but how is your son?” Raven asked. That was harder to say than she had imagined. Well, she never imagined Amari actually being in her tiny bedroom.
“He’s fine.” Amari stood up and reached in his pocket. He took out a tiny photograph of his smiling son and walked towards her. He sat next to her and showed her the photograph. Her heart stopped when he sat next to her and practically dipped her bed to the ground, but she had to pretend that he wasn’t affecting her and causing her heart to race. She kept her focus on the photograph of the boy. “I can’t pretend he doesn’t exist and he hasn’t changed my life.” Raven nodded, unable to say anything more.
She suddenly had an urge to cry, but it was quickly replaced by nervousness at Amari’s closeness. She was momentarily confused. Swallowing hard, she wished she could be stronger and not have her body and heart betray her so quickly. He was showing her a picture of his son. That should make her angry, but the boy was so adorable and innocent.
Amari continued, unaware of the effect he was having on her, “I want us to help raise him together, Raven. I know it’s too much to ask of you, after all this time and the divorce but…He’s here and I love him, but I want you in my life, too.” Amari’s voice seemed to float to her, deeply penetrating her now foggy brain.
“What about Lexie?” She turned to look at him, his eyes increasing the tempo of her heart.
“She’s Hart’s mother, but she and I can never be together. Not when I’m in love with somebody else,” Amari said, and she looked at him and their eyes locked. He seemed to take a breath before continuing. “I only ever wanted to marry for love. I love you. I loved having you as my wife, Ray. You made coming home exciting with the sweet things you would do to make me smile after a loss. The trips you would plan and just sitting in our house with your feet on my knees. I know many people got married for different reasons, especially in my profession, if you can call it that.” He was so serious. He was hypnotizing her, working his magic on parts that used to hurt. She had forgiven him, but…Josh.
Raven jumped off the bed and Amari stood up and held her arms from behind. Suddenly the room felt so hot, as if there were ten fireplaces blazing red in it. She couldn’t breathe, her body deeply aware of his. She was melting as his breath came close to her ear.
“I’m in love with you, Raven. God joined us together and we became one. I never stopped loving you,” he whispered and her eyes closed. She was surrendering to the memories, new desires that she had never felt before. It was all so new and yet so familiar.
“I can’t,” she breathed back, though her voice was so weak she could barely hear herself.
“A part of you must still love me. Come back to me,” he groaned and turned her around. His hand went to the back of her neck and, slowly gauging her lack of resistance, his lips touched hers. She whimpered, amazed at how she had lost all sense of place and time as he drank from her lips like a hungry, thirsty man in the desert. Her hunger seemed to match his as her hands went around his body, much leaner but stronger to her touch. Her body was answering Amari’s call.
Josh’s image flashed through her mind. Kind. Loving. Loyal. Godly. She fought hard to resist Amari, and it took so much willpower she screamed as she pushed him away.
“No!”
Amari stepped back, stunned, his eyes smoky from the same longing that she felt. He was breathing hard and she was also breathing like someone who had run a marathon without training.
“We can’t.”
“Yes, we can. As far as I’m concerned you’re still my wife. There’s no divorce in the Bible,” Amari said. She remembered him saying that before.
“Depends on what you do!” Raven moved away from him and leaned against the wall, trying to slow her heart. Her hand covered her throat as shivers went through her body like tiny earthquakes. “Josh and I are getting married.” Raven watched Amari’s reaction. He winced, but somehow he didn’t seem all that surprised. “You knew?”
“Your dad told me,” Amari admitted after a minute of silence.
“So that’s why you are here. Just to mess up my life? Dad is still telling you things about me! Still thinks you are a gift from Heaven!”
“He knows we should be together, Raven. You loved me once, and I love you.”
“Love is not enough,” Raven protested. “I’ve moved on with the most wonderful, caring, perfect man under the sun. I trust him. I don’t trust you.”
Raven could tell that her words had a huge effect on him. He visibly flinched.
“Raven. I know I messed up, but you can trust me again. I’ll never let you down again.”
“How’s that possible? Lexie has your baby. Your firstborn,” Raven said, her hand gestures wild around her face. “She’ll always be in your life. Always.”
“Can’t change that. But—I know who I want, and it’s you.” His voice rasped with powerful emotion. It resonated with her heart, her body.
Raven stared at him and pressed herself deeper against the wall as he moved towards
her. His face was filled with pain, but also with a certain determination that took her breath away. He took one of her long braids in his fingers.
“Lexie manipulated me and I should have been smarter. She’s still playing games, but that’s beside the point. Let’s get back together, Raven.”
Raven shook her head but didn’t say anything as a tear rolled down her cheek. Amari reached over and gently caught it on his thumb.
“I’m gonna go back to Nairobi,” he said, and Raven’s eyes opened wide. She could feel her heart race.
“It’s so far. I mean, it’s too late.”
“It’s fine. I’ll be fine. Goin’ to be at the Intercontinental Hotel in Nairobi. Here are the details.” Amari handed her a note with his address, phone number and room number. She scrunched it up in her hand after a quick glance. Amari grimaced, and then straightened his face out again.
“I’m there until Friday evening,” he said, looking deeply into her eyes. “I’m hoping you’ll come before I leave. I promise you, if you don’t come, I’ll never bother you again. I’ll wish you and Josh the best. No matter what you choose, Ray, I wanted to make sure you were happy here. I couldn’t live with myself if you weren’t. He’s a better man for you.”
They stared at each other and Raven’s breath caught in her throat and she released it in a rush. His words had gone to places that evoked emotions so deep they could make her float away. She was speechless.
Show Me the Sun Page 23