The Suicide Diary

by Rees, Kirsten

  Spring came around again and I guess it’s always easier to feel a little more positive when the sun is shining. Adam made me feel strangely adored and he told me I was beautiful - a word I would never have associated with myself although I’d been told it before I knew there had been motive behind it. Even with all this it wasn't perfect, he was a manager in a new nightclub and although we both worked unsociable hours he was constantly on call and when I did get to see him he was exhausted.

  If our schedules hadn’t allowed us much of a chance to cross path then sometimes he would come to my bar or I would sit at the end of one of the bars in his club, chatting to the regulars and the staff until he had a chance to take a break. Some of them told me how happy I made him, that he was a lucky guy, that I was something special. I didn't feel it though and it began to make me feel uncomfortable.

  And then Adam began working more and more hours, the times we spent together became fewer and far between. The first time we argued I felt panic rise up in my throat and flinched when he raised his voice. Whether he was pulling away from me or perhaps there was someone else or I suppose even it's possible that he was genuinely working hard to prove himself in a new job. It was enough for me to give up again.

  I made a clean break, told him it was over, deleted his number and went on with my life again. My thoughts kept drifting to my very loose plan to go away somewhere and I found myself day dreaming about leading another life altogether.

  Later that evening I pushed open the door of my work and walked in. Maria the assistant manager was standing behind the bar with her back to me, but turned with a smile when she heard the door. The smile quickly faded to be replaced with pursed lips and a raised eyebrow. “Your shift was last night Nina.” she said.

  I started to speak but she cut me off “I’m sorry but you’re not reliable, I’m hiring someone to replace you.”

  I stumbled out onto the street; the next train was in thirty minutes so I found myself wandering in to another bar nearby and ordering a drink. Admittedly I should have been looking for a job but hindsight only arrived along with the outstanding rent bill.

  "Matthew?" I said.

  "Nina? he answered.

  “Yep, it’s me.” I replied.

  “Are you drunk?" he demanded.

  "I only had a few but I can't find my purse and I need to get home to my flat." I said.

  "It's nearly 1am, I was in bed." he said.

  "I'm sorry, it's okay just forget I called." I responded.

  "Of course I can't forget my sister calling me in the middle of the night too drunk to get home safely. Give me the address, I'll come pick you up." he said.

  I waited inside the bar, resisting the temptation to order another drink. I was tired and just wanted my bed. I couldn’t remember feeling tired in a long time, the alcohol must have helped.

  Twenty minutes later my mobile vibrated and Matthew’s name flashed up. I did my best to walk all the way to the car without falling over and was genuinely surprised when I climbed in to the front seat of his car in one piece.

  "Where are your friends?” asked Matthew.

  “It was just me, I had a tough day and just need to blow off some steam.” I replied as steadily as I could.

  “What were you doing out drinking on a Wednesday night Nina, you're a mess. You're becoming more like Dad every time I see you." He said it with such vehemence, but I pretended to myself his bitterness was aimed indirectly at our Father and I was just baring the brunt of it.

  I loved my older brother but we had never really seen eye to eye and he lectured me even more than our Mother ever did. I was limited on the choice of people to call so late at night and I figured Matthew would only find something else to pull me up about even if I hadn’t called him. At least that’s the way one half of the conversation in my head went. When I collapsed in to bed that night fully dressed, my eyes flickered and closed within minutes and I only woke when the black turned to red with the sun flooding in through the window in the afternoon.

  A few nights later I went back to the Gin Bar to see if they needed anyone to covers shifts. Joe wasn’t in but one of the girls recognised me. “I’m really sorry Nina, he’s just taken on two new people so he’s got all the shifts covered.” she said.

  “Oh okay, thanks anyway.” I said and made to leave.

  “I know it’s really tough finding work at the moment, that’s why I can’t seem to quit this place. Look I used to work a kind of events company, one of my friends still work there so I can give you her number. It’s maybe not your thing, but we all gotta earn right! You just accompany men to various events and they pay you basically to look good on their arm. Some of them just want some eye candy to inflate their ego and others just want company when they’re visiting here on business. You’re a pretty girl, maybe just a bit of effort with your hair and some make up and you’d do really well. Here take this number and give her a call, just ask for Lissa.” she said.

  I debated about asking the bank to release some of my savings, but using my Grandmother’s money to pay rent just didn’t sit right, especially when she had requested I use it for something to make me happy. I needed a job soon and ‘events’ sounded just as good (or bad) as any other, every job takes advantage of you in some way and maybe this would make me make an effort with myself since apparently I needed to do that.

  A few days later I was in my room and my phone rang and the woman Lissa had called me back to talk me through the process. I listened in silence as my stomach churned. When my phone rang three nights later and the same number flashed up, I just stared at it. I needed the money but I knew I couldn’t do it. No matter what the woman had said, there would be pressure to sleep with these men and I just couldn’t.

  Cam

  Have you ever found yourself standing in a room full of people and felt so alone? Knowing that if anyone there knew what was going on in your head, they would probably think you were crazy. And every time someone asks you how you are you reply brightly ‘I'm fine’ instead of the awful truth. I’d planned to enjoy a long soak in a hot, bubble bath and see out the evening reading a new book.

  It had been a humble plan and yet I’d been looking forward to it. Nevertheless, there I was all dressed up, my make-up done, my hair tousled and a smile fixed on my face. It was the birthday party of friend of Kara's and she had insisted on my coming. Despite my objections about job hunting, she had turned up at my flat with a case full of dresses and make up. I sat like a mannequin while she teased my hair and applied countless products to my face. Sitting as patiently as I could, I waited and tried not to imagine myself made up like some sad doll with too much rouge on the cheeks and a false smile drawn on.

  After what felt like hours, Kara made me stand and held up a few dresses against me before selecting one, and pulled it over my head as delicately as she could without disturbing my hair. She then shuffled me towards my cupboard where she swung open the door with a flourishing gesture. My Mother had insisted that I should have my Grandmother’s vintage mirror, which I'd then concealed on the back of a cupboard door where I stored everything I rarely used. As Kara opened the door, I held my breath and prepared myself - I had rarely seen myself in a full length mirror since I'd had to cover my bruised skin with long sleeves and leggings.

  “Open your eyes silly!” exclaimed Kara.

  I drew my eyes up from the floor to look at the pale girl with dark shadows under her eyes. But my reflection deceived my eyes - my skin had regained some of warmth with a hint of colour in my cheeks and my hair was almost glossy. Kara had created a smoky effect on my eyes and the fit of her pale green dress suited the slight curves I had begun to develop.

  "I knew there was a beauty hiding under there, your skin is glowing now it’s been exfoliated and all your hair needed was a little tlc. I’ve just highlighted your eyes and that dress looks stunning on you." she said and smiled at my reflection.

  "I don't look like me." I said almost under my breath.

&nb
sp; "No, you weren't yourself, this is the real you sweetie." She replied shaking her head then gesturing at me like she was introducing me to myself.

  “Thank you.” I said. There really wasn’t a way I could describe to her how I felt in that moment. My own reflection was rarely a source of joy for me and so this was a strange feeling to look upon it now.

  Alex knew how much Nina avoided mirrors, and having her photo taken too come to think of it. He couldn’t recall ever seeing her check her reflection and if there was ever a camera in her presence, she was usually the one behind the lens. He had one single photo of them together, which to his shame he had thrown in a drawer out of sight three months ago. He couldn’t bear to look at her face until a few days ago when he took her diary and now he would do anything to see her face again. The same anger he had felt towards his brother had reared its ugly head once more, but this time it was different and it didn’t last as long.

  I sat looking through Kara’s dress options and make-up while she got ready. Her hair hung poker straight down her back and she settled on a fitted hot pink dress.

  “You look beautiful Kara, I mean more than you usually do of course.” I commented.

  She smiled in reply and then realised how late we were going to be so went in to panic mode checking we had everything in our bags and fastening on our respective shoes.

  Some of Kara's friends that I knew from her stories were by my side, giggling at some gossip and enjoying the evening. Melissa was seeing one of Kara’s friends and had met us at the party but I had barely seen her all night. From the outside I was almost as buoyant, but in reality I felt tense inside. Standing there in Kara's pretty, silk dress all I wanted to do was walk out, go home, undress and pull on an old sweater.

  Seven months had passed since I had ended things with Adam. I couldn't bear to face him because it felt too much like rejection again, but in the beginning it had felt like the start of something good. I wasn't sure it was that I missed him or wanted to be with him, but he was the closest thing I had to something in that moment. And yet I couldn't convince myself to see him – I had walked away and he had let me.

  I hugged my arms around me, just trying to keep myself together. Excusing myself to go to the little girl’s room, I closed the bathroom door behind me and slumped to the floor. I shouldn't be here. The weeks had passed like a blur and I had barely crossed the door unless necessary. Laughter outside the door brought me back to the present and I stood up abruptly. I turned to walk out but not before I caught a glimpse of the girl in the mirror. Kara had done her best but my hair had already lost it fullness. I wiped the smudged mascara under my eyes and forced a smile across my face. Pulling my shoulders back and taking a deep breath, I pulled the door the ladies open and then the main toilet door too and walked straight into the person walking in from on the other side.

  Our arms and legs were tangled around each other as we both tried to steady ourselves. I tried to stay upright, only to stumble and almost fall again but not before he caught me. I heard an explosion of laughter and startled myself realising it had come from me. He smiled at me and gently helped me back onto my feet.

  "Sorry." we both started and then he laughed lightly. Some of his drink had spilt on the floor but he didn’t seem to notice so I just nodded and hurried back to my friends, mulling over how it had felt when that laugh had ripped through me. It had felt good, a little strange but nice. It was like tasting a familiar flavour after a long time. I laughed around my friends but it didn’t always come naturally – that was no reflection on them, it was just that much harder to fake being happy in front of people who know you.

  I rejoined the group of girls, and for the first time in a long time, I joined in their conversations instead of just being a bystander. They probably noticed my sudden chattiness, but thankfully made no mention of it, although Kara did smile at me a little like my Mother would do when I had done something well.

  I could feel his eyes on me and I looked away quickly but a few seconds later I glanced around and he was still staring. He didn't smile. Had I annoyed him when I knocked him over or maybe some of his drink had spilt down him too? His t-shirt looked clean enough. So why was he staring? I tried to make a conscious effort to ignore him and concentrate on the conversation again.

  "Hi" came a voice right by my side.

  I turned quickly to find him standing next to me. I almost jumped at the close proximity. I must have taken too long to respond because his smile was fading and his eyes narrowed.

  "Sorry, hi" I shook myself "And sorry again for nearly knocking you over and...” I said.

  He shook his head and smiled. It almost knocked my breath from me. I hadn't noticed his smile earlier. I didn't notice anyone anymore. I wanted to take a step back and let Kara’s circle of friends’ envelope me. I certainly didn't want to stand here with this complete stranger, making strained if polite conversation. Then I felt a nudge from behind and I knew one of the girls was pushing me closer to him. So much for helpful friends!

  He wasn't anything like the kind of guy I would usually go for. His hair was closely shaved and he had stubble that looked like he hadn't bothered to shave in days. He had a tattoo on his inner right arm, but I couldn't see what it was from the angle he held his arms by his sides. He was wearing black jeans and a t-shirt with a band that I didn’t recognise. It took me a few seconds to take all this in and he stood patiently watching me make my assessment. My eyes flicked back to his to find they hadn't left mine. I didn't know what he wanted but my confusion wasn't the only reason I had to excuse myself. I couldn't breathe with him staring at me like that so openly. And so I said I'd changed my mind about having a glass of wine, wandered off in the general of the bar and then slipped out the side door.

  I sent a text to Kara to say I could feel a headache coming on, so I’d headed home to my bed. I didn’t feel too bad since she was out nearly night after being offered a full time job. She had got a full-time job not long after passing her final exams with 1:2 degree and after a year and half of working her ass off she had been given a promotion. It was just a ‘small’ one she said but I knew she was excited and she deserved to be proud of her hard work. She had a reunion night out with her class soon and Lucy would be there too so I would make it up to her.

  I always shower in the evening before bed. As if the water will help wash the day from my very skin. But no matter how much I scrub my flesh and despite the time I now spend putting my thoughts into this diary I still find myself laid in bed every night with my thoughts coming at me so loudly there may as well be someone in the room screaming into my face. I cannot remember the last night I slept soundly through the night. Eventually I fell into a broken sleep just like every other night.

  Alex turned into the car park and put on the break. Leaning over the steering wheel resting his chin on his hands, he stared out the window at the cold, autumn day. He felt the chill in the air as he got out of the car. Walking along the path he eventually came to the headstone he was looking for. He wasn’t really sure why he’d come here at this moment.

  He hated cemeteries, with the crying people and the already dying flowers they left behind. They only served as a reminder of what you had lost, instead of thinking about what you had gained by having that person in your life. Alex thought about the boy Conor who had lost his Mother far too soon and believed that you should focus on the positive.

  It was Sunday afternoon and he felt weary from lack of sleep. He wasn’t going to be able to finish this and he knew he had to set his alarm early for the morning. He got back into his car after standing in the cold for almost half an hour and spent the drive home thinking about her.

  There had been lots of great times with Nina, every memory he had was good, even when she was trying to hide her pain or when she was making herself be happy when he knew she was struggling. Until now he didn’t know specifically what she had gone through but he knew she had suffered. She never wanted pity and through all that she was stronger th
an she knew. Nina had made him want to be a better person.

  The ringing wouldn't stop but I couldn't face moving to answer the phone and so I lay there waiting for the caller to give up. It was sometime later when I finally woke and noticed the bright flashing on my phone. I didn't recognise the number but had a feeling I knew who it was from. How did he get my number? And of course I knew the answer to that question too. My ever helpful friend Kara had struck again. I hit delete and pulled the covers over my head.

  Instead of wallowing in the past or questioning how I could right myself, I felt strangled by my own emotions. I just shut down and pushed everything that hurt deep down inside. I refused to deal with anything that had happened and whenever I felt uncomfortable I pulled away. It was easier to pretend - I was like an actress playing me in my own life but someone else was writing the script.

  People who didn't really know me have told me they loved me and people who knew me let me go. If I'm ever to have someone that knows me and can still love me then I have to be worth loving and right then I didn't feel worth much of anything.

  The next day another message appeared followed by one from Kara then another and another. If he gave up soon, she certainly wasn't going to.

  I tried making excuses. ‘I needed to look for a job and didn’t have time for dating.’ to which she replied that there were twenty four hours in the day and if she could fit in a full time job and a relationship then I could job hunting and one date.

  ‘He wasn’t my type.’ Which she countered that maybe it was time I changed my type since it hadn’t worked out so well for me far. A little bit cheeky but at the same time it was true. So I finally gave in and replied to Cam and by the end of the week I had a date and two jobs. The bookshop had given me shifts throughout the week and Ali was still in touch with Joe at The Gin Bar who agreed to take me back so I split my time between the two jobs. When Friday evening came around I was tired from working day and evening shifts all week so I didn't even bother to make an effort and I suppose I should have felt slightly bad about that.