The Suicide Diary

by Rees, Kirsten

  He hugged me then and it felt nice. It was almost comfortable and I told myself it was like hugging one of my brothers so I didn’t feel terrified. No, that part happened when the other person tried to take it further. But Alex didn’t push me; in fact it reminded me of how things were with Ali and I wondered if he might be gay too.

  Gay! Seriously, how could she think that he could be interested in guys when he could barely drag his eyes from her face? Had hugging him really felt like hugging one of her brothers? Ouch. He thought he had made it pretty obvious that he liked her. Although maybe not at first, they were just friends in the beginning and he had held back so much.

  Alex had shut down after Will had taken his life and it had been hard to let anyone in again. It was easy when he was travelling, everyone was a stranger and after a few days he would pack up and head somewhere new and he would never have to stay connected to anyone for too long. So he had kept Nina at a safe distance at first. His friend DJ pointed out that he was so careful with her that she would never have guessed how he felt. The truth was he hadn’t known himself.

  After only a month of knowing Nina three of his friends tried to tell him he was in love with her, but he chose to ignore the feelings. He remembered thinking she was interesting, beautiful, intelligent and had a wicked sense of humour when she tried it out. But he had no intentions of settling down at that time. He never made time for relationships and as soon as he completed his final year at uni he’d planned to go travelling again. He thought now if he’d admitted what he was feeling was real maybe it could have saved them.

  I know you shouldn’t stereotype people but he reads a lot, likes cooking, dresses really well, and seems to have a lot of platonic female friends and has a great relationship with his Mother. It would be simpler if he was gay, we could stay friends and I could enjoy his affection.

  Since he was a student and I only worked in the evenings we began to meet for breakfast and spent our free mornings in local bookshops and although we tried other coffee houses we rarely strayed from the first one we had visited together. We shared our childhood stories and talked about his current studies and my past attempt at university attendance. I told him how much I admired my Mother and Grandmother and told him stories of growing up with two brothers and even touched a little on the subject of my Father.

  He in turn spoke about his life and mostly about his travels but very rarely mentioned his family or home life.

  “Why do I feel like there is something you’re not telling me?” I asked him one day.

  “I figure you’re the curious type so now you’ll have to see me again – because we still have more to talk about.” he replied.

  I couldn’t work out if he had really noticed how curious I am or if he was just being cocky.

  We said goodbye again outside the coffee house as usual, a slightly awkward moment where I wasn’t sure if I should hug him or shake his hand and usually ended up just waving a farewell and wandering off in the direction of the train station. It became a little routine, until one day when something happened that changed it all.

  There was a woman crossing the road in front of me and a car swerved. I saw it before she did and tried to pull her back but it came at us too quickly. It hit her with the most terrible sound and she crumbled to the ground pulling me down with her.

  Alex remembered that day so strongly - the waitress had come out of the coffee shop carrying Nina’s bag with a new book and he had thanked the girl and run after Nina. He had been heading the opposite direction but he wouldn’t be far ahead, he ran towards the end of the street, his shoes hitting the pavement hard and his breathing becoming short and strained. Suddenly there was a screeching sound as a car braked too quickly and skidded on the road. He rounded the corner to see a dark vehicle stopped dead in the middle of the road and people running towards it. Alex couldn’t see past them and his heart missed a beat when he saw Nina’s bag lying on the road with the contents splayed across the road. It was like everything was in slow motion and he focused on the silver lipstick tube on the road rolling round. Someone was on a mobile calling an ambulance for the ‘driver and a young, injured woman’. He knew he should run the last few steps but edging any further forward would change everything.

  “Alex?” said a voice.

  He moved forward a step and looked down to find Nina knelt on the other side of the vehicle looking up at him. She looked shaken but in one piece from what he could determine from first glance. But talking means breathing and breathing means alive. He on the other hand hadn’t taken a breath since he heard the screech of the car coming to a sudden halt. His lungs were straining and were grateful when he took in a slow, shaky breath. He pushed his way through the crowd that had appeared. Nina was holding the head of a young, blonde woman he didn’t recognise. Her ankle was badly swollen with what looked like bone breaking through the skin. She was ashen and there was blood on her clothes and on the road around her, but thankfully not a lot and he could see her chest moving up and down with slow, even breaths. Nina was talking to her in a low voice too quiet for him to hear her words but he could tell she was trying to soothe the woman and it seemed to work since the woman opened her eyes and gripped Nina’s hand and tried to smile a little.

  The sound of the ambulance shook him from his gaze and then in the drama that followed he ended up on one pavement with Nina stood on the one opposite. As the ambulance pulled away, he stared across at her. Now she was standing, he could see there was a hole in her tights and her knee was scraped but other than that she seemed to be okay.

  When the ambulance pulled away, I barely took a step and Alex ran across to me. His hands felt my arms and shoulders as if checking for breakage. I could have saved him the time, I knew exactly where the damage was in my body and it wasn’t on the outside. He then took my face in his hands and looked at me with a worried expression on his face.

  That was the moment I knew. Alex cared about me, and it was more than just someone to talk about his favourite authors with. I didn’t know to what extent; it was more than I could accept and I felt the familiar pull from within to take a step back.

  I went home that day and later sent him a text to say I would be busy the following Saturday with my family and wouldn’t be able to see him. He replied asking to reschedule for another day and I quickly typed in a few words about my Mother not feeling too good and needing to help around the house and hit send.

  It wasn’t entirely a lie, there were always things needing done around our family home. It was over two hundred years old and had a large garden that needed tending to. I had never been a fan of gardening so usually Joshua and my Mother cared for it, while Matthew and I had covered the indoor chores. I kept myself as busy as I could, going from work, then home and to my flat and back again in a cycle.

  Flicking through a newspaper a few days later, something caught my eye and I stared at the article in front of me. Chris. The text blurred but the words grievous bodily harm stood out. The shock ripped through me but I had to know if something had happened to him or if he had hurt another girl. Guilt shattered through me, if I had done something maybe this wouldn't have happened. He was going to jail for four years because what he did was wrong. Reading about what he had done to someone else made it real.

  When I slept that night, my mind worked against me and I was trapped in a nightmare. A guy climbed into the passenger seat next to me in the taxi. I couldn’t really see his face but I instinctively knew he wasn’t a friend and something about him made my skin crawl. “Already got a fare mate, you’ll have to wait for the next one.” said the driver.

  The man turned in his seat and his eyes took me in.

  “We’re all friends here. I’m going where she’s heading.” He grinned and winked at me. The driver made to speak again but before his tongue could wrap around the first syllable I saw the flash of a blade against his neck. The terror that ran down my spine was oddly familiar. He must have heard my gasp as the next I knew; he was leanin
g towards me and I slid backwards until my back was pressed against the door.

  “Time to get on our way Mr. driver.” said the man.

  I felt his finger run along my leg and I wanted to die right there.

  I woke with the scream in my mouth and had to clench my teeth together to stop it escaping. Fighting with the sheets instead of the man, I knew it had only been a dream but it didn’t stop my heart racing. I wasn’t a pretty sight – no gentle trickle of sweat down the side of my forehead.

  My skin had a film of sweat all over and my clothes were damp with it. I was trembling and my heart felt like it would beat its way out of my chest. It was only a dream and yet it had been my imagination that had created it in my head. I’d always been interested in dream interpretation but I didn’t want to know what that one meant.

  It felt like a mere few minutes had passed before the sound of my alarm clock roused me from my sleep, but not from the dark thoughts that had plagued my dreams. They hung over me the rest of the day like a dark grey cloud, full and ready for a storm.

  Damn it. The engine puckered to a halt with just enough time to pull into the lay-by. I had no recovery membership – one of the few ‘luxuries’ to go when I moved in to my flat since the rent and basic living expenses used up most of my limited wages. Now I definitely couldn’t afford a call out fee. I looked in the mirror along the stretch of empty road intermittently lit into the distance. Not a soul. Not that I would be brave or stupid enough to flag down a stranger to help.

  Drama always needs a victim. And tonight I was at its leisure. I had only nine numbers in my phone. I hadn’t really spoken to Matthew since our argument, Joshua would be at work, Kara was out of the country, Ali and Lucy couldn’t drive and I knew Melissa was on a date since I had listened to every detail of her love life lately. My Mother was out with her friends for the evening and there was no way I was calling my Father, I wasn’t ready to let him take on a parental duty just yet. That left Alex and I really didn’t know him well enough for this random call but I had no choice.

  He pulled up twenty minutes later to find me sat in the driver seat with the doors locked and only my mobile phone for light.

  “Nina, don’t you how dangerous it is to stay inside a car at the side of the road?” said Alex.

  “Would you have suggested I stood at the side of the road, alone and in the dark instead?” I said.

  His face was grim and he moved to look under the bonnet of my car. The rain was lashing down his back and I was glad he at least put on a jacket. I tried to hold the umbrella above our heads and point the torch at what he was looking at but the wind was strong and I was struggling to hold myself upright.

  I hated that I had no idea how to even check what might be wrong with the car. I’d always used public transport until my Mother had bought a new car and given me hers. I was starting to think they were more trouble than they were worth. Perhaps if I’d had a Father around I might have known more about vehicle maintenance. I was aware how sexist that was but my Mother came from a generation and a family who thought girls should do girly things and the ‘men’ should know how to fix the cars. Clearly Alex at least thought the latter part was true anyway, since my car purred to life within ten minutes.

  Something was clattering wildly and I realised it was my teeth. With no heating available I was freezing, but part of me knew it wasn’t just the cold that was making me shiver. I’d been completely alone in the dark and the only person I’d felt able to call for help I’d known for barely even two months.

  “Thank you for…” I tried to say but he cut me off with a wave of his hand.

  “I’m just glad you’re safe.” He may have been saying those words, but his tone and body language didn’t exactly agree. He seemed tense, although he could have been annoyed for being called out in the pouring rain at night.

  Alex wished it had just been the cold that made him tense. He knew he had acted like an asshole but it wasn’t to be directed at Nina. He had been so worried when she called and he’d driven there far too fast. He told himself he would have felt the same worry for any friend stranded at the side of the road in darkness, but something inside was shouting loudly that he was lying to himself. They managed to get Nina’s car jump started and he made sure she locked her doors and her phone still had battery life. He had to stop himself from offering to follow her home. He knew it must have taken a lot for her to call him and he doubted she would welcome the suggestion. Instead he made her promise to text him the moment she was safely home.

  The following weekend Alex had invited me to a gathering. His exact words. After his efforts to fix my car, I felt obliged to go, but more than that I had missed him. I wondered why I was more nervous about being with Alex in a group, than I ever was with just the two of us. Perhaps it was just thought of seeing him in a different environment. I picked out a pretty dress in my favourite shade of green and made an effort with my hair and make-up. I wasn’t really sure why I did but it had been so long since I’d felt even slightly pretty so it felt good to try.

  “I’m aware that you have no idea how beautiful you are, but I just thought I would mention that tonight you look especially pretty.” said Alex.

  I blushed and was very grateful for the dim lighting. “You’re not so bad yourself.” I returned.

  “What this old thing?” He laughed and the moment of uneasiness was faded a little.

  From the moment I’d met Alex I’d felt just on the cusp of being comfortable around him. I was still nervous but there was something about him that put me almost at ease. But there were still moments that unnerved me.

  “Hey Alex.” said the girl that had appeared in front of us.

  “Oh hi Alicia” said Alex.

  “Good party huh?” she replied.

  “Eh yeah. Have you seen Joseph?” he asked after the host.

  “He was going into one of the bedrooms last I saw him. I could show you if you like. Your friend can wait here and get a drink.” She smiled so sweetly at me you would almost swear she was being sincere but this girl was as subtle as a brick. I’d met ones like her before and there was only one way to deal with them. I glanced sideways at Alex only to find him staring passed the girl looking I presumed for Joseph.

  “Actually Alex and I were hoping Joseph would like to join us for a little fun so I think we’ll just go find him ourselves. Oh and since you mentioned it I’ll have a vodka and lemonade – so sweet of you.” My smile was almost as sweet.

  Her eyes widened and I saw a flash of hatred aimed at me, which betrayed the purred words she directed at Alex.

  “Of course and you are?” she asked.

  “This is Nina, my girlfriend.” answered Alex before I had a second to respond.

  “Oh how nice. Well I’ll go and make your favourite drink Alex and then maybe I’ll join you later.” she said.

  “I can’t believe you just said that to her!” he said and laughed.

  “Me, what about you?” I shot back.

  Alex laughed remembering this. As sweet as she, was no one walked over Nina when he was with her. And yet he realised then she had let herself be walked over time and time again before he had met her. He’d been egotistical enough to think Nina had been jealous of Alicia but from the moment they’d set foot in that party she’d been tense and now he understood why.

  When Alicia walked away my false sense of bravado went with her. My shoulders slumped and I sighed as I realised we had only been there for twenty minutes and I had already finished my first drink. I wondered how long before it wouldn’t be too rude to leave.

  I woke up in an unfamiliar room. I thought I might have been dreaming at first but my heart began to speed up as I realised I was most likely awake and in a stranger’s room. What had happened last night, I tried to retrace the last couple of hours in the bar and got as far as someone I didn’t know trying to talk to me and then it was all a blank. Was this his room, had I gone home with him, had I really gotten so drunk I had gone home w
ith a guy I couldn’t even put a face to.

  With great relief I noticed I was still wearing my tights and underwear, with someone’s oversized t-shirt pulled over the top and my dress was neatly folded by the bed. Surely a drunken fumble would have led to nudity and clothes strewn on the floor. That was generally the case right? I climbed out of the large, comfortable bed unwillingly. It was almost too easy to stay there a little longer and put off knowing the truth but I had to get out of there. Creeping as quietly as I could, I cracked open the door and made my along the hallway.

  There was something familiar about the faces in the photos on the wall. I still didn’t feel completely relieved, but at least I wasn’t in a complete stranger’s home. Through an archway I came into what looked like the living room and kitchen area and I could see a sleeping body on the settee. I only needed to see the dark mop of hair to know who had brought me home in the small hours of that morning. Alex.

  He looked so young and yet his eyes were shadowed and weary looking. I wondered what it would be like to awaken every morning and watch him sleep. I flinched at that thought. Where did that come from?

  He sat confused for a moment. Reading that sentence over again. Had she felt more for him than even she realised? It was like two people in one body fighting for control – one that was open to the idea of something more and another that denied it and rejected any feelings.

  I slid my coat from over the back of a chair and lifted my bag as quietly as I could. Shoes in hand I moved towards the door, scanning for keys. Grasping them tightly from the key rack on the wall, of course I then stumbled and dropped them onto the soft carpet which at least lessened the noise.

  Thankfully Alex didn’t stir and I inserted each of the three correctly shaped keys one after the other in to the keyhole.