The night was very pleasant and the walk felt great. Star was good company. He kept humming the theme from Mission: Impossible and a demented James Bond mash-up that could have been more Austin Powers. He had me giggling and it did wonders to dispel the ache in my chest.
God, was I being an idiot? Devon was laying his feelings out for me and I was holding them away like a stinky diaper. I wanted to just grab them up and hold them close to me, hold him close and not let go. But if I did and anything went wrong, I would forever blame myself for taking advantage of a grieving man. Plus, would I ever know if he loved me for me and not just for the support I was giving him?
I must have stopped giggling because Star put out a hand and stopped me. We were a few blocks from my shop when he pulled me over to someone’s front steps. We sat down and I took a deep breath.
“Jaylene, please tell me what has you so sad tonight?”
I blew up my bangs and tried to decide what to tell him.
“Tell me what you would do in this situation. Say you have this friend, an acquaintance really, but let’s just call him a friend. And this friend lost his best friend, they got into a fight or whatever, and all of a sudden he was hanging out with you all the time. You did everything together and you thought, ‘Hey! This is cool, I’m happy to have this friend.’ But then you start wondering, ‘would we be hanging out like this if he hadn’t lost his best friend? Would he still like me if he still had his other friend?’ How would you know? How could you be sure?”
He was looking at me with deep understanding.
“You mean can Devon really love you if he’s grieving over his sister.”
I put my head down on my arms crossed over my knees. “Ok, maybe that was a little obvious.” I couldn’t keep the tears from coming out. I felt his hand on my back, trying to take care of me and I shook myself.
“I’m sorry, Star. I shouldn’t even be bothering you with this.”
He shook his head. “Jaylene, of course you should. Look. I know we asked a lot of you, ‘Come on over and help us save our band!’ But truthfully, you are just the catalyst for us. That’s not to say you aren’t amazing, because you are! Your art is brilliant and you are so easy to talk to. But we didn’t ask for a therapist, that’s not why you are there. I know from my time in rehab about boundaries and shit like that, but this is a different situation.”
“Yeah, but how unprofessional of me to be even be considering the possibility of getting involved with someone I’m working with. Or working for! Jesus! I knew I was going to fuck this up. Why I ever let Daryl talk me into this...”
“Whoa, whoa, Jay! What are you talking about? You haven’t fucked anything up! Unless there’s something you’re not telling me?”
He gave me a look of exaggerated shock. “Have you sold our secrets to Perez Hilton! Are you really a tabloid spy!?”
I rolled my eyes at him and he hugged me to him.
“Your goofy secrets are safe with me for sure. No, I fucked up by getting too...”
“You’re falling for Devon.”
I looked up at him wide-eyed. His reassuring smile did little to ease me this time.
“Jaylene, it’s perfectly understandable. Hell, if I swung that way I probably would, too.”
I elbowed him in the side and he grunted.
“I’m serious! He’s been a good friend to me, to all of us. He's one of those people who don’t have time for the bullshit. It’s probably why he hated L.A. and all the shit we were doing out there. He’s passionate about his craft, a perfectionist at what he does, but he’s completely selfless. He’s never wanted anything for himself. He’s always helping everyone else through his or her stuff. He was the one who drove me to rehab. He set the whole thing up, drove me there, didn’t hardly talk the whole six-hour drive. When we pulled up he said, ‘Get better, Star. Do what you have to do and don’t worry about anything else. It will all be here when you’re ready. You deserve to be happy.’” Star teared up at that. “The thing is, of all of us? He’s the one who deserves it the most. And he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him around you. How can that be wrong?”
“It’s not wrong. I want him to feel better. I’m glad he feels like he can talk to me. But that’s just it. What if he’s confusing the two, you know? And I can’t help but worry that if I let my feelings get too mixed up, he’s going to realize that he only needed me to get through his grief. He’ll realize that he really isn’t into me the way he thinks he is.”
Star tsked at me. “My darlink, zat sounds like a leettle beet of projection.” His Freudian accent had me giggling again. “See? I know my psychobabble! Seriously, what if I turned that around on you? Are you only into him because you’re helping him?”
“Gods, no! He’s such a good person, Star. In just the short time I’ve known him, he’s given me so many reasons to think he’s the bees’ knees! I’m just afraid...”
He nodded and I felt like his arm around me was the only thing keeping me grounded at the moment.
“You just said it. You’re afraid. But why?”
I shrugged. “You’re the Jr. Freud, you tell me?”
He tickled me and I tried not to yelp too loud. He started back up in his accent and I could barely contain my giggling fit.
“Vell, to tell you ze trooth, I zink you are afraid of puttink your feelinkz out zere and havink someone not reciprocate or is eet zat you zink you vill let him down?”
“Yikes, guess I’m pretty easy to read.”
He shook his head.
“Nah, it just takes one to know one. Look, all I’m saying is you should give yourself a break, for one. And second, if you were going to take a chance on a dude, Devon’s a pretty good bet. Just think about it, ok?”
I nodded and kissed him on the cheek. We started to walk again. He kept his arm around me to steady me.
“You’re pretty awesome, Star! Maybe you should have done the Master’s degree!”
He laughed and shook his head.
“No way, ADHD, remember? School and I weren’t friendly like that. But I have thought about maybe helping out with some support groups. I try to go to AA when I can find a meeting. Maybe someday I can be someone’s sponsor. That would be cool.”
“Yes, it would,” I answered him and I meant it. He was such a wonderful young man. I found myself praying that Mackenzie wouldn’t eat him alive as we stepped up to the back door of the shop.
"Hey, Star? Where'd your name come from? It's not very Cajun.”
He sighed. “No, it's not. My mama used to call me her 'Shining Star.' She had a pretty shitty life. I was sorta her bright spot. Anyway, the name stuck. What can I say? The guys were the only ones who didn't give me shit about it growing up.”
I smiled at him and ruffled his messy hair.
"I agree that it suits you. Definitely.” I turned and frowned at the back door. “We have to go in quick and shut the door so I can turn off the alarm, ok?”
He nodded, the secret agent once again. He was even whisper humming the silly music again.
I got the door open and then I shut us in, working on the alarm code. The beeping always made me nervous. I screwed up once before I got it in correctly.
All of a sudden, the light came on at the top of the stairs and there was Mackenzie in her micro mini babydoll pajamas with a frying pan.
“Who the fuck is breaking into my shop!?” She flipped on the light at the bottom of the stairs. Her eyes went wide and she dropped the frying pan with a loud clang when she saw us.
“Oh My God, Jaylene! You are so lucky I haven’t bought a shotgun or you’d have some more holes in you!”
Star and I giggled, but he was staring at her in awe.
“Good evening, Miss McGowan. It’s nice to see you again.”
She blushed and then looked down and tried to cover up a bit.
“It’s nice to see you, too, but what the hell are you two doing sneaking around!?”
“Sorry, Kenz. I never got a chance to call you b
ack and this evening kind of went to hell, so Star and I snuck out to come get my book.”
“Yeah, I was waiting for you to call and I decided to just go to bed. Someone kept me up late the other night.” She was smiling at Star. His blush was adorable and he just kept staring at her.
“Ok, well, I’m going to pop into my flat and see if I can find it. Star, why don’t you just wait with Mackenzie? I’ll just be a few minutes.”
His phone started buzzing insistently. “Oh shit! It’s Devon. I didn’t tell him we left.”
My heart dropped. “Please tell him we just ran a covert operation and that we’ll be right back. I don’t want him to...you know, after the talk we just had.”
“Roger that, partner. I’ll settle down the Chief.”
I giggled and ran up the stairs to my flat. Mackenzie invited Star in for a drink. I thought it would be nice to give those two a few minutes to catch up so I wasn’t worried.
As I passed my dinette, I saw the drawing I did of Devon the day they came into the shop. I smiled when I thought of how much my impressions of him had changed from when he was just this aloof, mysterious guy in my shop with aviator shades on. Then I thought of him on his knee tonight. Was Star right? Could I trust him when he told me that it was really me he wanted? Could I have enough confidence in myself to trust him?
I sat down and drew him again, this time from the memories of the afternoon in my room when I discovered he wasn’t a widower, that he was in fact very unattached and attracted to me. I poured all of my feelings for him into that drawing, him looking up at me with eyes so full of emotion. Maybe if I gave these drawings to him, how I saw him in the beginning, how I saw him yesterday, how I see him today, maybe he would know what I was feeling. I wasn’t skilled with words like he was. But maybe through my drawings he could see how I felt about him.
When I was finished drawing him I walked over to my bookshelf and pulled down the December book. I flipped through it until I found the drawing and the picture after of Maggie’s/Meg’s tattoo. I thought they should see it. Maybe they would want to incorporate it into what I did for them. I still needed more ideas for their tattoos but I was feeling her more. I thought about a portrait of her or a symbolic representation of all the things she meant to them. Star came in a few minutes later, a huge smile on his face.
“Now that lady right there is going to be the death of me. Jaylene, there’s no doubting I am in a bad way over her.” He looked so sweet and after our earlier talk, I had no qualms about him pursuing my best friend.
“She’s a lucky woman then. You are quite a catch.”
He gave me a hug and took my hand. “C’mon. We need to get back before Devon completely blows up my phone. He wants to be sure you’re ok and he won’t be until he knows you’re back.”
I sighed. “Man, I really botched things up.”
“No you didn’t, Jay. But if any of us needs to get out of their heads, it’s you right about now!”
I groaned and we went out the back after resetting the alarm. The walk only took about twenty minutes and by then it was late. The party had moved away from the building so we could easily sneak in the back door. It was dark inside, the only lights coming from the rumpus room upstairs.
We snuck up the stairs and he ran interference for me as I snuck into my room. I closed the door and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. These weird hours had me a mess. I knew I should sleep, but I wasn’t tired after sleeping through the afternoon. I peeked my head into Devon’s room to let him know I was back, but instead of seeing him I caught a view of Sherry sliding a very lacy negligee over her head.
“Oh, sorry Sherry! I was just closing the door here...”
“No problem, yeah, this bathroom situation reminds me of the Brady Bunch! Did you ever watch that show? The kids had that weird bathroom between their rooms?” That made us both laugh.
“Hey, listen, I’m glad we talked earlier. I’m really glad you are here. Marcus told me how much you’ve been a help to getting them on track so I just really want to thank you.”
I waved her off. “It’s been great! It doesn’t feel like work at all. Maybe more like babysitting a set of quadruplets and a conniving older sibling, but it’s been great, no problem!”
“I hear you! Listen, I’m here one more day and then I have to go back to LA. Maybe you and I can chat some more tomorrow, while they are practicing?”
I nodded and said, “Sure. Goodnight, Sherry.”
“Goodnight, Jaylene. See you in the morning.”
With that, I closed her door and proceeded to do my nighttime routine. I was feeling disappointed that Devon wasn’t there to say goodnight to. I figured he must have gone to one of the other guys’ rooms.
I changed into sleep clothes and tried to lie down but I was still wired and I felt like I needed to at least see Devon so he’d know I hadn’t run away. It seemed really important.
I poked my head out my door and all was quiet upstairs. There was a light on downstairs and I could hear a guitar being lightly strummed. I peered over the railing and saw Devon sitting in one of the huge beanbags strumming his acoustic with his eyes closed. He was bathed in golden light, just in his jeans, and his hair was falling all in his face. I watched him for a minute before I slowly crept down the stairs.
He kept playing as I approached. He’d opened his eyes and was staring at me warily. I sank down on the floor next to his beanbag. His eyes never left me. I didn’t speak and neither did he. He kept playing for a few minutes. The music coming from him sounded like a sensual lullaby. I leaned into the beanbag next to his, resting my head on my arm, just letting the music wash over me. It was so relaxing, except for his eyes on me.
He eventually put the guitar to the side and just sat there looking at me. I wanted to touch him so bad, but I knew he wouldn’t be ok with that after how we left things. I broke the silence.
“You gave up your room for Sherry.”
He nodded.
“Where are you sleeping?”
He shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. When he was shirtless that movement was so sexy it should have been illegal. “I was going to bunk with Star but as you know, he snores. I’m not really sleepy anyway.” His gaze was still on me and I still didn’t know what he was thinking.
“In that case, can I show you something? I brought some things from my place. I’m sorry we took off without telling you. It was kind of a spur of the moment excursion. Actually, it was an ‘Oh Shit, I forgot to call Mackenzie back’ kind of trip.”
He smirked and moved to stand up. I stood quickly and ended up face to face with him. Well, nose to chest. He was still watching me closely and it was making me anxious.
I turned and went up the stairs with him right behind me. We went to my room, hearing feminine giggles and a sigh coming from Sherry’s room. I turned on him and raised an eyebrow. He put a finger to his lips and motioned for me to keep going.
Once inside we closed the door. He wordlessly closed the bathroom door and locked it from our side, locking the hall door as well. I walked over to my dresser while he sat on the edge of the bed. I pulled out my drawings of him and laid them side-by-side on the bed next to him.
I whispered when I spoke. “I seem to screw things up when I talk so I thought I would show you.”
He studied the pictures intensely. I moved around the other side of the bed and lay on top of the covers to watch him.
His expressions changed from picture to picture. He took a long time looking them over before raising his eyes to me. There were questions on his face. I wanted to say something, but when I tried to speak, he just shook his head. He turned around, his back facing me. I wanted to trace the name across his shoulders. He sat that way for a moment, collecting himself. Then he slowly stood, gathered up my drawings, and carefully placed them on the dresser. He leaned over and turned off the light next to the bed, covering us with darkness. He pulled back the duvet and crawled into my bed. I did the same and still, nei
ther of us spoke. When I settled down, I noticed a crack of light from the window had illuminated his face and mine. He was still staring at me. I don’t know how long we lay there looking into each other’s eyes, but I felt like we were having an entire conversation. When he finally closed his, a small smile appeared on his face and he settled into my pillow to sleep. I tentatively reached my hand over to smooth his hair back. I couldn’t resist. It felt so nice and he looked so handsome lying there. He brought his hand up to cover mine gently and then turned his face to press a single kiss into my palm. He turned back and slipped into sleep. I smiled at him and followed him there.
Chapter Eleven
Sometime in the night, he reached for me and took my hand. When I woke the next morning, he had my hand tucked into his chest, cradling it. I watched him sleeping for a long time. He stirred in his sleep, enabling me to slip my hand from his. He frowned but kept sleeping. I reached for my sketchbook and finally drew him how I’d wanted to. In his sleep, he was so peaceful. The strong line of his jaw, those full lips, the long lashes. I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect man.
The sheet had slipped down around his waist and his arm was lying across his stomach. The morning light was coming through the same crack from the night before, shining on his chest and perfect abs. I drew all of that perfection and was doing the final shading when one of his eyes popped open.
“I wondered what all that scratching was about.” His voice was so deep and husky in the morning that it gave me shivers.
“I didn’t mean to wake you. You presented an irresistible opportunity, so I took it.”
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