One Split Second

by Gillian Crook

  So, the day started ok and Craig arrived, he was the male nurse that was coming with me to Glasgow… off to a great start—Craig just told me that he doesn’t like flying… oh god, he probably doesn’t like the sight of blood either… oh dear, time to give Craig some morphine. Oh well, can’t do that, mines a pump, sorry Craig. Actually, Craig is one of the nurses I have got on really well with at Derry, and he had told me a huge secret that the hospital don’t even know. He has just split with his wife, and in the process told her that he is ‘gay’! I bet that was a bit of a shock for her, and went down like a lead balloon… plus they have a little 2 yr old son that they are fighting about with regards to access… ain’t that rotten (for them both). Good news for Craig though is that he has been accepted by a nursing recruitment agency to work for them, in a managerial capacity and has been offered the job, yeah! It means more money for him and gives him a better chance of being able to work more normal hours in order to get to see his little boy, Sam! I think that’s great and I really hope it all works out for him… out of all the staff I’m gonna miss, him, Dee, Premi and believe it or not (even though he was mostly checking out the waves), my surfing surgeon, Tom!!

  Well, they keep asking if I’m gonna be ready on time, and all I can say is ‘thunderbirds are go’!! I could just see Craig in a little blue thunderbirds suit and pointed hat (mm, luvvly ducky!!) So, the morphine pump seems to be doing it’s job probably coupled with excitement, I’m feeling quite happy, on cloud 9 in fact (and I soon will be, boom boom!), and sad, as well as emotional… yeah, I will always miss Plymund, the good and the bad, and for obvious reasons, NOW I will never forget it, mmh? Well, back to the job in hand, and the journey… at least I’m not in pain at the mo… oh no, my writing is gonna start suffering and I don’t have a lot of time! Maybe I need just to say cheerio to a few more people… By the way, just to let you know, my ward buddy, Barry, who fell of his pushbike, is paralysed from the neck down and has a probable 10% brain damage, but they do have to carry out more tests in order to establish the full impact of the damage (oh my God, it’s soo sad… , I’m gonna stop for a while I’m welling up and getting upset thinking about him and his family! His family were wonderful, so dignified and united in their grief, I don’t mean grief like you would for a dead person, but when you think of it like it is, part of his body, like mine, has effectively ‘died’ and that affects the person and everyone who loves you, badly… I spoke to Teresa, his fiancé, and she was planning their wedding—she is gonna get married at his bedside if she has to… oh my God, what a strong girl. It’s so sad! Well just managed to say cheerio to a couple of the o.ts and thanked them for the glasses… oops, gotta go now, there’s some other nurse just come to the door and there’s about one more behind him… actually they are wearing green outfits. Maybe that’s our lift?

  So… . Bye bye, Mr Derry-ford sky, drove the Chevy to the levy, but the levy was dry, but good old boys were drinking whisky and rye, singing this’ill be the day that I die, . . . this’ill be the day that I diiiee… . Oh, that songs in my head now, and after all the mayhem, pain and suffering I have been through, I BETTER NOT DIE!!!! . . . .

  Part Two

  TOUCHDOWN—JUST ARRIVED AT ST ALWYNS GENERAL HOSPITAL, GLASGOW

  Tuesday 7th October 2003

  Oh my god, what a journey, or should I say flight, the in-flight service was great… well, I’ve never had my own personal aide that’s also a comedian, as well as a nurse, and that’s allowed me to get high on morphine… at least I think I was… not too sure. Dunno how Craig managed, can’t remember too much, but at least his nerves survived this trip… things seemed ok, and by the way it’s really difficult to write and I’m starting to feel a bit shaky. Things were ok, until I got into this Glasgow, shit of a hospital… the staff were unfriendly and one nurse, bloody Marleen, who I felt like slapping, (poisoned dwarf), complained I had far too many bags and I told her to ‘wind her neck in, or I would strangle her with her pointy hat’, meant as a joke, of course, which, she didn’t find very funny, and then went on to complain I had too many bags—bloody cheek, so I told her that that was my luggage ‘condensed’. I was just waiting for the other 6 dwarfs to walk in and really make my day. I tried to escape, but I think the helicopter had already gone, so I had missed any chance of going back with it, actually I hope Craig is OK going back? I had ‘severe’ words (in a soft sort of way, in case she hit me), with the dwarf, oops (nurse), Marleen… she is really horrible and she had a baad attitude! Oh dear, I have never been in this frame of mind before. Staff started washing me with some sort of flannel and were nonchalantly rolling me for side to side, and then had the barefaced cheek to insult me by asking if I was OK?? Well if that barbaric way of being treated was OK then I was like ‘a pig in shit’!! Were they taking the piss with that question??

  Was… taken to a ward called the ‘Philistoll’ or something like that, wanted… to speak to the kids, where were they? My medication is fucked up, just like my writing and head at the moment. Can’t stand, nurses, doctors or anyone!!! Crap, look I’m getting tired—what am I gonna do, this isn’t normal? What I need to do is (take a deep breath) and SIT UP PROPERLY! Some occupational therapist said A is for AMBITION! ATTENTION! AGGRESSION! I have had to put up with a lot, from a lot of people too… that nurse Marleen could have been a bit nicer and polite—busy or not—maybe we caught each other at a bad time? Wish they would get me my kids or mum?

  Don’t remember too much but I was rushed in for an operation to my backside! Extremely severe wound, sounds pretty bad and I don’t know what they are talking about except that ‘its bad’!! Is that all I’m gonna hear, bad, bad, bad… . what is going on… dunno but, it’s, BAD! Oh dear, just spoke to a Dr Dunne and apparently he is the main doctor, oops, oh, dear, don’t like him much. Don’t know why; think I’m fed up so to get this over with I AM GOING TO SUMMARIZE:—Barry upset nurses with his usual aggressive attitude and tone on the phone because he gets agitated when he doesn’t get YES SIR, NO SIR!! Actually, if he got the dwarf I hope he gave her a really hard time… he demanded to speak to Dr Dunne, who I’ve decided should be. Dr Didn’t, cause he wouldn’t speak to Barry at first and then he changed his mind… whatever, so, Dr Didn’t, did, speak to Barry—prick!—Then insinuated to me that Barry may have been insulting!! Really? I thought, cheeky bastard, but he’s probably right! Mr Templar saved the day and diffused the situation; he is a darling and, good news for a change, MY SURGEON!! He will talk to me bout my Op tomorrow… I’m tired… gotta stop. Oh, before, I go, I must say, Thank You God—you got me, here to Glasgow in one piece—I think—well, not in one piece, in a few really—my head and arms are two pieces in tact, and I’m dragging the other half around—but, nevertheless, I am back in Scotland! I hope and pray that my kiddies will make it up soon, and Chris, the flying nurse got back to Derry Ok, and I hope everyone here, even the poisoned dwarf, are gonna put me together again—there’s a good nickname for me… ‘Humpty Dumpty’—Humpty Dumpty dived from the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a 40ft fall, all the queens nurses and medics on hand, were there at the bottom to help Dumpty land! Okay, it’s bad, and I should have said AMEN, after that…

  Wednesday 8th October

  Woke up I think… fell back to sleep. Oh god, my bum is sore, I think… at least I don’t know, but summit is? . . . saw Dr Didn’t in the haze, and some doctor called Dr Terry, who is the Medicine Woman… at least, I hope, or even a Witch Doctor who can work miracles with my pain! We spoke for a bit, and I told her where I thought it was sore… it was so hard to tell. She said she would sort out medication… I hope so… she is really nice… maybe this time tomorrow all the pain will be gone and this mark on my bum won’t exist and things might not seem so strange?

  Thursday 9th October

  I thought it was yesterday when I woke up, Wednesday meant nothing to me but Thursday I suppose does because they told me that’s today. Eventually spoke to Barry and kids and my mum…
oh god, I miss them. I cried today. I think all this is starting to get to me…

  I just woke up after having dreamt something weird, I found someone (Barry lookalike) having an affair… I’m really confused… sorry, but I’m so sore and really emotional and there is no-one I can talk to or want to… I don’t know if I have ever felt like this… silly cow, of course I haven’t… its not everyday, you wake up in a strange hospital, with strange people (and a dwarf), part of your anatomy useless to you and pretty soon only have half an arse if it’s that BAD! And my life hanging on a shred both physically, emotionally and financially—oh god, money… who cares… as long as it covers the funeral costs… wouldn’t want to be tooo much of a financial burden on Barry, of course—he’s probably got life insurance on me anyhow!! I don’t really mean that entirely, well I do, but… I wouldn’t want the kids to think I would ever intentionally leave them… (except for the dreaded amber nectar that has nearly killed me!). Please god, let them forgive me for the time I haven’t spent with them when I should have… I have never stopped loving my beautiful kids and my hubby, who must have good genes or summit, because he gave me two cracking kids! I’m not ‘in love’ with their dad anymore, but I do ‘love’ him, not always of course, because he can be the most annoying, arrogant and obstinate bastard; but aren’t we all like that! Sometimes!? AND he’s a man!

  I’m gonna sign off now… I’m tired and I want to remember the good times and try to dream about my kids… so if I think hard enough I might dream about them… it might take away the pain. I don’t know why the pains soo bad, it makes me tired and stops me writing so much, so when I do write it sometimes get muddled up, so I hope your keeping up, . . . whoever or anyone out there who cares. I’ve just noticed that I talk about my dreams a lot, so if I write it down wrong, especially when I’m tired, it might look like ‘drams’, so don’t be thinking I’m dreaming about ‘whisky’ and having a ‘wee dram’!! Oh god, I couldn’t handle anything like that at the mo anyway… well, maybe… joking! Sorry if this is all sounds jumbled, but I’m sure when I’m not so confused, I will be able to talk properly… byee… I don’t know what I’m doing…

  Friday 10th October

  Sat 11th October

  Well, all the days seem to be running into each other… I think I’m feeling better… met a really nice nurse called Marie, someone said she is an auxiliary, but ‘nurse’ suits me fine. Whatever, she does a much a better job than Dr Didn’t! I’ve been waiting to hear from Barry… I’m sure he told me that he was coming today… how can he… Saturday… oh God, I hope he doesn’t let me down… though saying that, Barry wouldn’t say he was doing something unless he was. That’s the one thing about him; he is pretty reliable to the point of being irritatingly precise and his timekeeping to the minute; one thing that used to drive him mad with me… my timekeeping is crap, and I’m always rushing at the last minute, no matter how much notice I’ve had to get ready! Anyway, my kids are soo wonderful and they always make me feel better.

  This writing is actually getting so hard to distinguish, it’s becoming nothing other than scroll… . I don’t know if I will even be able to read this back, if I ever want to that is. Mum and Paula arrived; I didn’t even know they were coming, or did I? I don’t really remember, but we did have a lovely time. Mum is so great, as always, and I’m sure Paula is mellowing with age.

  Robbie, Paula’s ex-hubby arrived somewhere in the midst, why has he come to see me? Don’t get me wrong it was good to see him, I just wasn’t expecting him.

  Why is it that I am so tired, and when I wake up, sometimes I don’t even realise it, but it’s another day? It’s not even as if my days are that boring… when I’m like this I’m ok; my writing is really bad, small and wiry, if that makes any sense, if anything makes any sense at the moment… I wonder if my medication needs looked at. I just take what they give me and hope for the best… there are so many places in pain and soo bad I think that’s why I sleep so much, Marie (she’s going to be a friend I think as well as a nurse… well Aux), takes my mind off it by talking to me a lot, and one of the other Auxs, David, is really funny, he’s like a smaller, shorter (if that’s possible) version of Phil out of Eastenders. The two of them are like a double act and they ‘entertain’ me as well, the funny thing is that I don’t even think they know how funny they are… either that or I’m just easily amused! The amount of drugs I’m on, anything’s possible. Dr Didn’t actually told me that, actually it wasn’t him, it was Marie who told me that maybe the reason I sleep so much could possibly be that, when my body is in so much pain I don’t feel it when I’m sleeping and it’s part of my bodies way of dealing with it?, makes sense I suppose; cause as soon as I wake that’s when I start whinging how `shit` and sore I feel. Gee, I must be a real lil ray of sunshine to be around!

  It was amazing, Barry and the kids walked in and I was so pleased to see them, I love them so much and have missed them. It’s only the second time they have seen me and I’m nearly knocked out on the meds and in Derry (which seems a million miles away from here) I was as well… still it didn’t matter they are just so grown up about all this.Their mum has lost her legs, well sort of, and they are dealing with it really well, no crying (out loud anyway), or dramatics… no doubt, I can thank their dad for that, at least he can take the credit for helping the kids deal with this. I think the other thing is, is that the kids haven’t seen a hospital ward that has had so many different kinds of people that have been in accidents where they have parts of their bodies paralysed, and are in such a bad way AND YOUNG…

  I had a superb time with them and they left about 9. I’m gonna have to stop I think cause I’m drifting in and out of sleep and I won’t be able to read my writing when I want to read this back and I want to be able to cause I want to remember the time with my kids (if any of that makes sense when I read it back I’m gonna eat one of my `bandanas` no. not bananas!). Oh, I love the kids to bits.

  Oh, I think I’m falling down; I think its something to do with the pills—I’m not sure? I think my memory is going…

  Well, yes needless say, I dropped the book in the water when I was washing, or at least I was being helped at the time and it fell off the table… these hospital tables are a pain, they are far too small for everything to fit… So, no I wasn’t trying to do two things at once and it wasn’t actually the table it fell off, it was the telly (that’s on the table!). Just thought I would clear up that little discrepancy!

  When mum and Paula came in they met with Barry and the kids; shame it takes my accident to get them all together. So, whilst I can still remember… (I’m sure that accident affected my brain—either that or it’s always been like this and I just haven’t noticed) . . . so, we had a good time, they were all ‘pleasant’ to each other… oh god, I’m wicked, but I really felt like stirring it, cause it would have been soo easy to wind Barry and Paula up—against each other… NO! don’t do it!

  I used to compare my family dramas to something off Eastenders’, where everyone talks over each other, every family gossips about each other, and argues with each other, in a more ‘unruly’ Question Time way, and our kitchen in St Anns (the big family house), could be the Queen Vic!! Maybe if I ever do anything with my book I could write a story based on, ‘St Anns—v—The Queen Vic’, and it could be an amalgamation of the two called, ‘Queen Anns’! Well, that would be something else. All will become clear when the rest of the family come into the equation—(that is if any of them come to see me here)! Why I am so cynical—just wait and see… . I’m being unkind, I love em’ really!

  Barry and the kids had to go back to the hotel, so I said cheerio and gave them massive hugs (not Barry, of course, Shonah, his ‘girlfriend’ would have kittens instead of a baby), talking of which I wonder how the ‘girlfriend’ is doing… no doubt, blooming… blooming friggin devious. I swear she ‘trapped’ Barry into that situation, sorry god, if I am wrong—strike me down dead! Ouch, what
was that? Nothing—I’m still alive and not burnt to a crisp! I know it takes two to tango, but one of the people ‘tangoing’ was supposed to be on the pill, and, according to Barry (oh goodness, I feel like I’m gossiping to my book), they don’t ‘do it’ that often… hee hee (miaow) . . . so, he must have been ‘firing on all cylinders’ the day that happened… . My words, by the way, not his!!

  Sunday 11th October

  Woke up feeling good… feeling goood… feeling sore, but feeling goood… if I saw the kids walking in every day, every day would be a case of feeling good!! Barry was there too, of course! Actually me and Barry seem quite close at the moment, and I don’t think the family understand? As you’ve probably guessed, the family and Barry tend to ‘clash’ at times—they’re all bossy and always have to be right! Then talk of the devil, and, yes literally she’s ‘sure to appear’ well, walk in… maybe not quite Lucy-ifer, but close… and, mum was there too. It was soo great to have them all with me, (and I honestly mean that—when they’re not nit-picking with each other), but I get really tired and sometimes I wander off and start talking about something totally different to what we are talking about at the time, then sometimes I get dizzy and I feel like I’m on that ceiling again, like it felt in Derriford, or when I think I’m lying flat when I’m sitting up, or when I start to slide sideways when I’m lying flat… . back to reality… I had to say goodbye to Barry and the kids cause they had to go. Oh, I hate the thought of them having to travel all the way back to Berrytown, not knowing when I am going to see them again! In a way it’s good that I’ve got mum and Paula here to keep my crazy mind occupied. Had some tea with mum and Paula and then they had to leave… I must have been tired because I started drifting on and off… .