One Split Second

by Gillian Crook

  Everything was such a blur. I would eventually fall asleep but would wake up with lots of lights on and still loads of noise. I was scared and the only time I was peaceful was when I was sleeping. When I woke up, they were trying to give me something to eat, but I didn’t trust them, I was sure they were drugging me… I didn’t know where I was; I was somewhere different, it felt like the bottom of someone’s stairs, in a house. There was a huge guy next to me standing over the bed, and I was terrified and then I was screaming, and the scary thing was this was really happening, it wasn’t a dream. The big guy would try and make me eat and eventually I took something from a woman wearing NHS-type glasses, who was spooky as well, but I just had to keep them happy. Then when I asked if they would let me out of the bed they told me I was there for my own good… oh fuck, this was really happening to me. I was being locked up in a house for some reason and they seemed to be drugging me… , I had to ‘do as I was told’ by the woman with the NHS glasses—I will always remember those glasses and her thin face, and pointed chin (she reminded me of the wicked witch out of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz—thing is… I was far more scared than Dorothy! Then… Glasgow, yes, that Glasgow accent… so, I knew they were Scottish, or she was. At this point, I started to panic and realized I couldn’t move but they were able to move me, then when I tried I couldn’t, and it felt as if I was ‘pinned down’ somehow and there were even bars on the bed. They would be so nice, in a false, spooky way, like in a horror movie—I knew they were gonna leave me in this room, put the lights off, so it was dark, and then come back to feed me, I couldn’t understand, why… WHY ME!! I was pleading with them to let me out of the bed and I was screaming and shaking the bars so they rattled, then rattled somemore… I knew I didn’t want to annoy them in case they killed me, but I knew I was being kept captive for some reason and couldn’t understand it, I kept repeating things over and over in my head, trying to make sense of what was happening… those bloody horrible bars, I would shake them so fiercely I thought I might shake them out of their foundations and make my hands bleed. The big guy came and told me not to shake the bars and I was so scared I stopped for a while and thought if I could get ‘round’ him, he might set me free. I couldn’t lift my body up but with the help of the bars, when I wasn’t shaking them I could move myself from side to side… if only I could get comfy and pretend I was sleeping I might be able to hear what they were up to… God I was soo scared… THEN, I could hear them coming through and they were talking about moving me… I pretended to wake up and slowly start talking to them, and maybe get answers as to what they were going to be doing and could I phone my mum and dad… I suddenly remembered that mum and dad wouldn’t know where I was, but prayed they would be looking for me! The big man and little witch then told me they had to go out and would be back ‘tomorrow’. What! They couldn’t leave me there till tomorrow… they must have heard the shaky panic in my voice, so told me not to shout or shake the bars because it wouldn’t do me any good and to try and sleep… why the hell were they keeping me in this dark house and why were they leaving… I screamed at them not to go, and in one final attempt to be beg to them, I thought they were leaning down to help me get out and they just moved me onto to my other side and said when they got back they might move me into another room… oh god, they were leaving and I was gonna be on my own, with no way of getting out of my bed, cause the drugs must have numbed my body and I couldn’t get the bars moved. Then I heard a bang, and it was the door shutting, and they had gone… I was on my own. Silence for a while… then I started, screaming at the top of my voice hoping a neighbour or someone in the street would hear me and call the police. I was pulling and pulling the bars and trying to squeeze through them, in an attempt to try and at least fall out of the bed and drag my limp, useless, numb body somewhere, even to hide—oh god, I didn’t know… the last thing I remember was screaming so much and pulling at the bars, that I must have cried myself exhaustedly to sleep…

  I was woken up to the sound of movements and heard voices, it wasn’t the same voices as the other two, it was different people, again it was a male and a female, and I didn’t know who they were either, so… I tried to talk to them, but they were obviously with the big guy and all they did was give me something to drink, but I knew the drink was drugged and didn’t want to take it… oh god, the lady had fair hair tied, but she had softer features and NO NHS specs—the guy was only young. They were also both being spookily nice, then, the next thing I knew, they were pulling me out of the bed and dragging me onto another one… oh god, they were going to chop me up or something, I started to scream and fight back to stop them, and then they put a shower on me to shut me up… It felt like a scene in a horror film, when they would set the water jets on a crazy rioting mob in a prison, . . . again why ME! when the water stopped the fair haired woman helped me, but I knew that one wrong move from me and she would probably kill me… she had the power, I couldn’t move my body except for my hands… after what obviously been a shower, I did feel better and hoped that this was because they were gonna let me go. Oh on, they put me onto another bed and made me stay in a different room, and it was all dark so that nobody could see in the windows, oh yes there were windows, and the room was at the bottom of stairs… up the stairs I could see some sunlight coming in, but at this point knew I could never climb those stairs or even drag myself up them, worst thing was I could never get through the bars on the bloody bed—I was starting to get those heart beats, palpitations and cry, but with no tears coming out!! This was really happening, I prayed it was a nightmare (I could cope with that), but I knew it wasn’t. I was so confused, tired, but a weary tiredness, and a blocking out tiredness, so scared and panicky… this was like your worst ever nightmare where you wake up and think you are ok, glad you are awake, and suddenly your not, and catapulted back into that horrible place, screaming but no noise is coming out of your mouth… and the more you try to scream and nothing happens the more you panic… well it was like that, except when I did wake up, this really, really was my reality. I couldn’t understand why they were keeping me, cause what could I give them; maybe they had the wrong person? Oh God, what if they did; they would have to kill me so I wouldn’t tell anyone!! . . .

  I could hear voices, and then the lady leaving, which left the young guy. He came through, tried to calm me down, I was weak and weary and he seems ok, but obviously part of this crazy gang. He wasn’t so harsh—the big guy was the leader, but it was the girl with the glasses who seemed like the ringleader. I would try anything I was so scared, so I even tried to chat up the guy thinking he just might let me go, was I mental or what? I was so desperate I would try anything, even though I couldn’t even offer him sex because I knew I wouldn’t be able to do anything, my body was refusing to co-operate with anything I wanted it to do! I didn’t know… maybe I would do anything!! I remember thinking he was ok, or as much as he could be ok. I pleaded with him to let me go, but would he hell, I promised him that I wouldn’t tell anyone that he was involved, I told him my family would give him money. I knew my mum and dad didn’t know I had been kidnapped, or whatever it was, or they would be looking for me, but they would surely give them money… wouldn’t they?? . . . I looked at the guy, and he reminded me of my nephew Matthew, he looked about his age. He managed to calm me down and I was so so tired… you see, ‘calm’ was still semi—hysterical. I fell to sleep, always hoping when I did wake up, this would all pan out as one hell of a hellish nightmare… I couldn’t remember being this frightened since I had been hanging off that cliff in Plymund.

  When I woke up the fair haired lady was back and I knew I had to stop trying to bribe the young guy, but chances are he had told her anyway. I was scared rigid and daren’t rattle my bars… they were still drugging me and even wanting me to eat but I wouldn’t. I was starting to get weaker and weaker and eventually fell into what seemed like the sleep of my life. When I woke up it was immediate panic, because I was STILL in this hellhole a
nd I couldn’t hear anyone. I could see up these stairs, and there seemed to be some daylight, so I started shouting and screaming frantically, shaking the bars in an attempt to make more noise and trying to pull them off, whilst also trying to squeeze once again through them… this time I was in such a frenzy I was crying and could smell myself, I had done the ‘full’ toilet! Oh god, I had actually forgotten all about my bodily functions, and I just wanted to die and I really mean, DIE! Suddenly everything went hazy and I drifted… somewhere… then I heard people singing, I looked up the stairs, and couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it was the actors from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and they were real and walking and dancing down the stairs, just for me, oh this was magical. I remember the small boy, the butler, the big black guy who was the dad, then I saw the mum, and then the posh sister and son, and then Will Smith’s character at the front of them all, doing most of the singing. They were beckoning to me as if they wanted me join in, and I was so so happy. I totally forgot where I was for a while… I loved that programme and now they were singing and dancing for me, smiling at me. Will Smith was being so funny and I was actually smiling and laughing cause all this was really ‘whacky’ and I couldn’t explain any of it but I was in this crazy but nice place, aah bliss… I must have drifted off, because when I came too, the young boy was gone and the big guy and the skinny specky nurse were back. Oh, No, I was still being kept prisoner and now I knew it was still for real, why the fuck hadn’t I stayed in my dream?

  At this point I thought they had moved me, I couldn’t see the stairs anymore and for some reason I felt like I was in a garage because I could hear a car outside and there was an echoey feel. Yes, my instinct was to scream and yell, and rattle the bars but this time I really started working myself up into a frenzy, hoping that someone who must have been driving the car would hear me?? The specky nurse came in and told me to be quiet and gave me some water (I presumed) and tablets and told me it would help… why help, I was clearly being held against my own will, I have never been so sore in my life and just wanted to die… throughout all of this ordeal I had been sore, but I knew no-one was bothered about my aching, painful body, cause every time I told them that I was in agony from the pain they just moved me on my side. I really did want to just die at this stage. THEN, I heard voices in another room and I knew I could recognize one of them, so I listened tentively and I was right… it was my bloody brother, yes, my brother Tony, I had to keep listening for a while to make sure and then I heard another voice and, by fuck, it was my sister, Paula… oh God, I started, screaming and crying and rattling, shouting, going really hysterical; frantically trying to get through the bars to get out… when I had to stop through exhaustion, I could still hear them talking but no-one had heard me, why had no-one tried to come and rescue me? I recognised how desperate the situation really was and knew I was being held captive and it felt like I was never going to get out. I must have been in some sort of padded sound-proofed room and I had never felt so alone, useless, drained, sore, distraught, terrified, and sick… I knew I had to accept my fate and it was probably going to be death!! I had overheard them talking to each other and the big guy was saying I was in my own room in this ‘mock’ spinal unit and they were telling them I was asleep and comfortable, WHAT! I could hear them saying goodbye and my screams and hysteria had all been for nothing… they had believed the big guy. I was almost in a state of shock, why, why, why?? If I was being kidnapped why hadn’t they asked for a ransom, or had they; maybe Tony wouldn’t give it? Oh God, I was so confused and all thoughts were going through my head… I felt panicky, alone, defeated and an emptiness, then a terrifying acceptance of my fate that I was going to be killed and, strangely enough I had been able to blank my kids out of this horrendous ordeal, because I couldn’t bear them being a part of this horrific time in my life. It felt like I was lost and I did actually pray in my hysteria that God would look after me in death, and look after my beautiful children. I would always remember them. They were safe with Barry, their dad. I prayed for all my sisters and Tony and their families, my uncle and all my relatives… I was going to be with my dad and Aunt… .

  Then, when I heard my family going away, and accepting that they were inevitably not there to take me home, I just lay crying, sore, breathless, drugged, abandoned and gave up. Then, after what seemed like a lifetime, I was woken with jolt. Where was I? Things were moving and I could start to see bright lights and more people. Maybe my prayers had been answered? At the time I couldn’t understand, there was motion and the bed was being moved… my numb body felt even more impaired… unbelievably, the big guy was under my bed with his arms wrapped round my chest to keep me down (holding on like they do in the action scenes in the movies when the guy is holding onto the underneath of a moving train)!! I began to think that the big guy and the witch were actually trying to help. It almost felt as if the whole thing had all been orchestrated… had this been a wicked joke! Of course it wasn’t, the guy underneath, who had been called Drew, started telling me jokes, fucking jokes! cracking them in a really funny way, and anyone or anything that came his way, he would start taking the mickey out of and insulting. I couldn’t believe it, even I had to chuckle, and, strangely enough, wasn’t scared, but I wished he would take his arms off my chest because it was so so painful. Oh yeah, this all sounded so strange and absurd, but this was my reality… my God, what had my life come to… his hands were becoming looser, and I was calming down, then fell into another sleep after their ‘drink’ to quench my thirst.

  When I woke up this time it was not so frightening, the place where I was looked like a hospital and I thought that these people must have left me there, because again in my delirium I had actually thought they wanted money and Tony said no, and I was shocked because the family could have afforded a kings ransom—I would talk to the family about that? Things must have been getting back to a reality of sorts, because for me to be mad with the family and ‘snooty’ were Juilliana traits! Suddenly, I felt relief and a kind of contentment, although I knew I just had to be very careful. The nurse who offered me breakfast seemed quite nice. She said she was really an auxiliary and her name was Helen, I knew she was probably ‘undercover’ and I said yes and with paranoia taking over nervously looked around… was the kidnapping something to do with the hospital? I was going to get as much evidence as I could, oh yes… it looked as if there was a conspiracy of some sort going on, and I would, if had to, take on the whole NHS establishment, and I would!

  Everyone seemed to want a slice of Juilliana Crook!! I know how wacky this sounds, but this really was my reality at the time. I had come through the kidnapping and I was now being allowed out of where I had been held captive, to stay in the hospital, probably because my whole body was so painfully sore they couldn’t move it except from side to side in a rolling fashion. I then started to remember that the weekend before, Lawson, my brother in law, had come to see me and I was absolutely pleading with him not to leave me and it was so bad I was nearly pulling off his jacket because I was so desperate. I thought at one point he was actually going to stay and help me and try and get me out. He said he really wanted to but would have to come back. I pleaded with him again not to leave and definitely come back and take me away from the hospital because they were giving me the wrong medication and I was being drugged and there was this conspiracy and we were being watched by Big Brother! Not the programme, the whole wide world network. When I started to realise that I was not being kidnapped anymore, I became suspicious of anyone near me… even the nurses—if they were really nurses? Whatever? They seemed like they wanted to help me with food, drink and also help take care of my personal hygiene, because, unfortunately I realised when I was ‘soiled’ that I couldn’t control when I needed to go to the toilet. I was completely numb and I had no idea where my pee was going!! Yuk! So, when they said they were taking me for a shower I hadn’t said too much because the thought of being clean was wonderful. Why would these people want a
nything from me and why would they want to watch me and spy? I actually believed that I was in this strange place that really did have patients, but we were all being drugged so we would do as we were told. My brother in law, Lawson came back with my sister, Margie and her son (Jacob, Matthews brother), and they were telling me that everything was ok and not to worry. Then I got angry at Lawson for leaving me there before, but he was trying to reassure me that I was ok, and had to stay here because these people i.e., nurses and doctors, were only doing their jobs and they were there to help, . . . yeah, right, he didn’t know what I had been through!! I was still panicking in my head, and my body was shaking and I felt like my heart was racing at 100 mph, and then when I couldn’t get my breath, what did they do? They got me some tea to drink, and told me they had taken food in for me! Well that was just great! Fix everything that has just happened to me with a cup of friggin tea and a biscuit!!

  I suppose I was pleased because I couldn’t have been poisoned yet! . . . I was checking everything though, in my paranoia; Jacob, my nephew, is a tall, strong, young guy, and when they were all leaving and I was asking them to stay longer, and they couldn’t, I got Jason to take my hand and to look directly up into the security cameras, so that they knew I had someone on my side who looked like your proverbial ‘bodyguard’. I wanted ‘them’ to know I had my own protection from my ‘large’ family, huh, that would show them! I could see that Margie, Jacob and Lawson were all ‘humouring’ me, but I was genuinely scared that I was being watched!! Well, they could smirk and reassure me all they wanted—I knew I was right.

  They HAD to go and they left me with one of the auxiliaries to make sure I was ok. I managed to fall asleep, but only after the auxiliary promised to sit with me and not let anyone touch me or move me. I trusted her, it was Marie, who I had known before, and I knew she wasn’t in on the kidnap!!