Broken Memphis (Little Memphis MC #2)

by Bijou Hunter

  "I don't know how I'll handle him bringing a girl home, but I can't leave. Pax offered us a home, and I believed in the entire fantasy. I convinced myself he was in love with me and I was special. I convinced myself he would marry me and be a father to Lula. I had all these stupid F U C K I N G fantasies, but they're lies. I hate myself for believing in them. I can't leave though. Even if I can't have the full fantasy, I can give my baby her princess room and a chance to go to decent schools. Pax can break my heart, but I won't let him break hers."

  Shay hugs me against her and says nothing. There really isn't anything to say. We imagined ourselves becoming sisters. More than once we talked about being aunties to each other's kids. The fantasy was real for us both, but Pax cracked under the pressure. He took the easy way out, but I refuse to do the same.

  27

  Pax

  Repulsion

  Suede's parking lot is full of people who can't get inside. They party in the cold, wanting to be tough by proximity. I walk past the dipshits and swing my bat at one guy's head. He ducks and spills his beer. Ford laughs behind me, but I can't even crack a smile.

  Inside, I scan the faces before finding Maggie. She's serving Breaker, who is talking to her tits. She looks scrawny to me tonight. Like her head and boobs are too big for the rest of her. I consider hooking up with someone else, but the new girl's skin reminds me of a rotten peach. When did these chicks get so ugly?

  When I snap at Maggie, she struts over immediately. I know she likes me, but I think she's just happy to be away from Breaker.

  "Is your girlfriend going to threaten to slap me again?" she asks.

  "My dick is hard. Let's go to the storage closet."

  "You always were a charmer," she mutters before giving Ford a dirty look.

  My brother walks to the bar and orders a beer. When I pass by him, he tells me good luck. I hate him for being happy. Why should he be happy when I'm not? All our lives, we've been the same. Now he's grinning like a fucking psycho doll, and I'm about to rip off my skin.

  Inside the storage room, Maggie unbuttons the top of her black shirt.

  "Be sure to tell the manager that this doesn't count as my break," she says, shaking her hair loose.

  I grunt. "It shouldn't take long. Hard and fast."

  Except my dick isn't hard. I'm too tense to realize this fact until I consider pulling it out.

  Maggie reaches for me. "Settle down, big guy."

  "Don't," I say, smacking away her hand. "You smell weird. Did you puke recently?"

  Maggie steps back and gives me her pissed bitch look. "We're in a storage closet. It always smells like shit. What's your problem?"

  "I don't know. Am I usually drunker when I fuck you?"

  "You're starting to piss me off, Paxton Reed."

  Scratching hard at the back of my neck, I draw blood. "Why did you say my whole name like that? You're making me think of my teachers. That's not hot."

  Sighing, Maggie ignores my question. Her manicured fingers reach for my arms, but I dodge her.

  "If you don't want to fuck, can I go back to work?"

  I run my hands through my hair then tug at it in frustration. My body has no interest in fucking Maggie. If I do it though, I can accept Bebe and I are over. Maggie offers me an exit from the delusion I've created about playing the family man. All I need to do is touch her. Except she smells weird. She looks weird too. Grossed out, I really don't want to touch her.

  "Were your eyes always so close together?" I ask, squinting at her.

  Maggie growls in frustration. Leaning against the wall, she digs out a piece of gum from her pocket.

  "I was in love back in high school. He was a jock, but sensitive. He wrote stupid songs about birds and heartbeats. I loved him so much I went into withdrawal when we were apart."

  Relieved not to have her pawing at me with her claw fingers, I ask, "So what happened to lover boy?"

  "Dumped me when he went to college. Broke my fucking heart."

  "Nice story."

  Maggie gives me a side-glance. "Love hurts when it ends, but I'd still do it again even knowing he was gonna ditch me. The good was worth the bad."

  "I'm not in love."

  "Are you sure? Don't take this wrong, but you're really fucking stupid. It's quite possible you really don't know you're in love."

  "Fuck off, Maggie."

  She grins. "That girl Bebe can't hold her liquor and she talks too fucking much, but I think she loves you too. You could be happy if you weren't so fucking stupid. I mean, you're sweeter than your brother, and he fell in love."

  "I am sweeter than him. I'm actually better than him in a lot of ways."

  "I know, but Ford's going home to his woman tonight, and you're in here with me. You might be better in a lot of ways, but smarter ain't one of them."

  Cracking my knuckles, I nod. "I don't know about my heart, but my dick doesn't want you."

  "Poetic, baby. I'm going back to work."

  Maggie leaves me in the storage closet, and I stand alone like a lost kid. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

  I walk out of the storage closet and head outside. Passing by Ford, I flip him off and keep going. My laughing brother follows me into the cold night. I don't know where to go or what to do. Home isn't an option when Bebe and Lula live there now too.

  Grabbing me by the jacket, Ford pulls me away from the people hanging out in the parking lot.

  "Listen to me," he says in a rough voice. "All you need to do is say the words."

  "Back off."

  I try to shove him away, but Ford's playing big brother and won't budge.

  "When you were twelve, we'd gone back to Marcy's house. You were being such a fucking shit. Freaking out over everything. I finally beat the hell out of you, and you said the words. You admitted why you were acting like an idiot. Once you said the words, you settled down. Of course, it might have been me kicking your ass that fixed shit, but let's try the words first."

  "What fucking words?" I say, elbowing him in the gut.

  Ford ignores my attempt to knock him down. "You said you didn't want Mom to come back. You admitted how you really felt, and you were free. Now maybe the words will fix whatever the hell is stuck up your ass."

  "I don't know what words will fix anything."

  Ford grabs my face, and I think he might kiss me. When he stares into my eyes really deep, I'm sure he's gonna kiss me.

  "You say them, and they stay between us," he whispers then tempts me with, "I won't even tell Shay."

  Ford's nose is pink, and his breath comes out as smoke. I know the night is cold, but I don't feel it. I'm running hot and even feel like I might puke.

  "Say the words. Then we'll see if I need to kick your ass," Ford whispers.

  I glance around, looking for an escape. The words need to come out though. Not only to get rid of them, but also to give Ford a secret he can't share with Shay.

  "I love Bebe," I whisper.

  "I know, brother. I knew you were in trouble the first night at dinner when you acted like a twat. Usually you're pretty smooth with chicks. With Bebe, you said everything fucking wrong."

  "What do I do now?"

  "I have no idea. How big an asshole were you earlier?"

  "Hasn't Shay texted you with the details?"

  "Yeah."

  "And?"

  Stepping back, Ford sighs. "Bad."

  "She's better off without me."

  "Yeah."

  Glaring at Ford, I was expecting him to bullshit me. He shrugs at my angry expression.

  "I don't know what to tell you, shithead."

  "To be young," Lucky says, strolling over.

  No way do I want to get ganged up on by the old-timers. I already feel like a dumb kid. This lecture shit won't help.

  Ford gives Lucky the 411, leaving out the love part. Through it all, the older man nods like he's heard it all before. I don't know if I should be offended or relieved.

  "Wouldn't it be a pretty sple
ndid world if Bebe married a Dudley Do Right who'd be a super daddy to her kid? Yeah, really happy-ending shit. Except she has an evil ex getting out of prison soon. She comes from a fucked-up line of fucked-up people, and you can't wash that shit off. I like her, but she ain't living her happily ever after with a bank manager like Darby and Jenn are talking about. No, she needs a man who can kill her problems and won't make her feel like a loser for having a dead whore mom."

  "So I'm the best she can do?" I balk, offended for both Bebe and me.

  "Yeah, basically."

  "You're making me feel worse."

  "We're bad men, Homerun. The only difference between us and men like Wolfman is how we treat our families. You're never gonna be a nice guy, but will you take care of that woman and her kid? Can you treat them right? I'm no winner, but I make my wife and kids happy. I make them feel safe and get them nice things. The people of Little Memphis might be scared when they see me coming, but my family ain't. That's all I care about."

  Looking at Ford, I know he's thinking about Shay and her brothers.

  "I don't know how to fix what I broke," I admit to Lucky.

  "Say you're sorry then do better every day. There's no magic fix for the shit you pulled. If Bebe wants you, she'll forgive you for being a dickhead. If she doesn't want you, nothing you say will make a damn bit of difference."

  Shivering now, I've lost the heat of my earlier rage. I both crave and fear seeing Bebe. When I left, she was in tears. I hurt her, and she's had all day to let the pain fester. Darby and Shay likely told her how she can do better. They filled her head with the kind of honesty that won't help my cause.

  My only choice left is to return home with my tail between my legs and face the mess I've made.

  28

  Bebe

  Broken Heart and Bruised Ego

  Alone in the dark living room, I watch TV and wait for Pax. In my bed, Lula finally sleeps. Twice, she woke crying before settling back down. Folgers remains in the bedroom to watch over Lula. I love that dog more every day.

  My head hurts from crying too long, and I dread Pax returning home. Will he bring a woman with him? Flora texted me earlier to say she heard Pax hooked up with Maggie. Even knowing I should hide in the bedroom and avoid him, I can't wait until tomorrow to get over this first encounter.

  If he walks into the house and hurries downstairs with his latest pussy, I need to hear it. I need to accept this new reality of our relationship. Tomorrow, Lula will be awake, and I'll need to be strong. Tonight, I need to face my fears and let Pax go.

  I'm dozing when the front door opens. Folgers bolts out of the bedroom and stares downstairs. Pax whistles for the dog, but Folgers doesn't move. After a minute, the dog returns to the bedroom.

  Pax shuffles upstairs and stops when he sees me. Pretending to ignore him, I focus on the TV. He walks into the kitchen and circles the island twice before stopping at the backdoor. Finally, he ends his aimlessly movements next to the TV.

  "You hate me," he says softly.

  "Yes."

  "I don't hate you."

  "I don't care."

  "No," he sighs. "You probably don't."

  Pax shuffles to the kitchen and stands there for a few minutes before returning.

  "I've never had a girlfriend. Not even in high school."

  "I don't care."

  Pax nods but doesn't shuffle around again. He just watches me.

  "I tried to cheat on you by hooking up with Maggie. I couldn't do it."

  "It wouldn't be cheating. We broke up. Maybe your D I C K will work better with the next girl."

  Sighing again, Pax looks tired and maybe a little drunk. I feel no pity. My rage is the only emotion keeping me from crying like a sap.

  "Chicks look weird to me now," he says, tapping the TV. "This one waitress has big eyes. I used to think they were sexy, but now she looks like a crazy owl. Another girl has giant tits. You know how I love tits, but hers look fucked up now. You've ruined titties for me, Bebe. I may never be able to go to Hooters again."

  I don't smile, but he's not really joking anyway. His words are meant to be compliments. Forcing my gaze to meet his, I summon the strength not to look away.

  "You got scared and felt overwhelmed. I know all that, but I don't care. You F U C K E D up. You wanted something because Ford had it. Then you realized you didn't really want it."

  Exhausted by saying the words, I lower my gaze. "Just leave me alone. Tomorrow we'll pretend we're friends and nothing else happened. Lula is used to men being scary. She'll need to learn to be careful around you."

  Pax shakes his head. "Why does everyone think I'm copying Ford?"

  "Does it really matter? The why doesn't change anything."

  "I don't want to pretend to be friends."

  "We're not moving out," I growl at him, sitting up. "You made a promise, and you'll keep it."

  "That's not what I meant."

  I stand up and turn off the TV. The only light is from the kitchen, but I'm not walking past him to turn it off.

  "You ruined me for other women."

  "No, I really didn't. You're putting too much importance in your D I C K not working with the first woman you saw a few hours after you told me I was a loser."

  "I never said you were a loser."

  "Do you even remember what you said?"

  Pax scratches his beard. "No. I was fucking stupid, but…"

  "Talking won't do S H I T. Go to bed. Tomorrow, pretend you weren't an A S S H O L E with Lula. Everything can go back to normal."

  "What does normal mean? What about us?"

  "There was no us. You wanted to F U C K me. You F U C K E D me. Now you're done. That's where you left things, and that's where I want them to remain."

  Pax steps closer, and I smell beer on him. A little part of me fears he won't let me escape to the bedroom.

  "I'm not done though."

  "I am."

  "I fucked up, but I can fix things."

  "Why fix them? Why not leave them the way they are? You might feel bad now, but I'll never be enough. So you'll F U C K someone else in a week or a month. Maybe you'll dump me, or maybe you'll F U C K girls behind my back."

  "No."

  "You're basing that on nothing."

  "I'm basing that on my feelings. I talked about shit with Ford and…"

  "You're drunk and tired. Nothing you say means S H I T to me. I'm guessing Ford and probably Lucky gave you advice, and you feel bad now. I bet you won't feel so bad tomorrow or the next week. You don't like people judging you. Once they stop, I'm sure your D I C K will magically work again."

  "Bebe," he whispers, looking for the right words, but we're not those kinds of people.

  "Good night, Pax."

  I plan to restrain my tears until I'm safely in the bedroom. Before I'm halfway down the hall, Pax has me around the waist. I hadn't heard him move, and I nearly scream when his hands press me back against him.

  "Bebe," he whispers.

  I tremble against him, torn between fear and longing. His hot breath on my neck is torture. Why did he have to freak out in such an awful way? Why couldn't he step back without hurting Lula and me so badly?

  "I know I messed up and I can't just say sorry," he whispers in my ear. "I hoped I could tell you that stuff and you'd run into my arms and it'd be okay again. I know I was stupid earlier today, and I was stupid coming home and thinking I could make things right with a few words."

  Pax keeps me still with one arm around my waist while twirling my hair around the fingers of his free hand.

  "I wanted you that first night at City by Night even though I imagined your kid as looking like Cousin It. I thought you were so damn sexy, and I acted like an ape at dinner. I'm not a smart guy, but I learned to be better with you. I can learn more, Bebe."

  "You scared my baby girl," I say, my voice cracking, "and turned me into a slap-crazy B I T C H. I don't know how to move past that."

  "Not today you don't. I don't know how to
either. If we can't figure it out, we have smart friends and they can help us."

  "You just called me stupid."

  "I know. I'm on a roll today," he says, caressing my cheek with his lips.

  "I am pretty stupid. Maybe we need to hook up with smarter people since we're both dumb."

  "No. I want you. I nearly punched Maggie in the face tonight when she tried to touch me. You're the only one I want, and I think together we make a smart enough person."

  "You made me feel like shit today," I say, struggling not to relax against him.

  "I know. I don't have any real excuse either. I felt bad, so I wanted you to feel bad. Now I need to make it right. Tomorrow I'll start fixing things. You just have to let me try."

  Taking his hands, I remove them from around me. "Maybe you can tomorrow. For tonight, I need to lick my wounds."

  "Okay," he says, wrapping me back into his arms. He sighs against my neck. "I just want you to know that I love you. I'm not a great man, and I can't promise I won't fuck up, but I love you, and I don't love just anyone. You think about that while you're licking your wounds tonight."

  Pax kisses my neck then lets me go. I shuffle forward, afraid to look back. Before disappearing into the bedroom, I force myself and see only the shadow of him in the dark hall.

  I finish my walk to the bedroom door before whispering, "I love you too, Pax."

  I've imagined many ways I might tell him I loved him, but I never figured feeling so low when I said the words. Crawling in bed next to Lula, I reach over and stroke Folgers's head. I feel like shit, and I doubt tomorrow will be much better. Despite my bruised heart and shit-upon ego, Pax said he loved me, and I hold onto those words while sleep takes me.

  29

  Pax

  Forgiveness is for Little Girls

  Knowing Bebe and Lula need to be protected, I can't sleep downstairs. The house feels too big now, and I imagine crawling into Bebe's bed. Until I earn my way back into her good graces, I'll sleep on the couch.

  Bebe loves me even though I'm an asshole and hurt her. I hurt Lula too, scaring a kid already on edge from her rough life. While I fucked up, I still have a chance. The love of a good woman is worth waiting for.