by Bijou Hunter
Too damn big for the couch, I end up on the floor a few times. I finally turn on the Christmas tree lights and relax into a decent sleep.
The sun is up when I hear Folgers move past me and into the kitchen. I glance up to see a little figure in pink pajamas hurry to the back door. Lula struggles with the door for a minute before popping it open. The cold air makes her shiver as she lets Folgers into the backyard. I wonder if she'll follow the dog, but she only shuts the door and sits on the floor to wait.
Watching Lula, I wish she were mine. The kid is too good to call Wolfman Daddy. The man sold her off once and he'll do it again when he gets out of prison. I plan to end Wolfman's life before he gets the chance to hurt Lula or Bebe. Yet this little girl will always wonder about the man who created her.
As a kid, I sometimes wondered about my dad. Did I get my blond hair from him? Was he a loser? Did he have a family that mattered to him? I once asked Ford if he'd want to meet his dad. He said no immediately, claiming the fantasy was always better.
Lula didn't need to wonder about her dad. His history was well known. He treated women like property and not in an endearing "mine" way like I thought about Bebe. He owned them, deciding their fates. I knew he killed more than a few of his hookers. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Bebe's sister died at Wolfman's hands.
The man tortured and killed dogs too. His daughter sat on the cold floor waiting for her friend to finish crapping all over the yard. Lula takes after Bebe in all the important ways.
Folgers is likely done emptying himself and now chasing squirrels. He might be eyeballing the neighbor's cat too, yet Lula waits for him patiently.
When Folgers finishes playing tough guy, he returns to the door. Lula nearly topples over trying to open the door. Shivering wildly, she smiles at Folgers, who waits at his bowl for her to feed him.
I stand up and walk over to help her get down the food. When Lula finally realizes I'm in the room with her, I hate the fear in her big brown eyes.
"Here," I say, handing her a cup of dog food.
Lula pours the kibble into the bowl. When she's done, she peeks at me to see if I'm going to be an asshole again.
"Do you want to eat cereal in front of the TV with me?"
Glancing around, Lula sees the tree lights on and smiles. Even nervous with me, she finds something to enjoy. We take our bowls of Lucky Charms into the living room, where I turn on cartoons. She sits on her knees and eats at the table.
"I didn't have a good mom like you," I say when she keeps peeking back at me. "My mom didn't take care of me like Bebe takes care of you."
Lula likes when I say nice things about Bebe. She loves her mom so much it makes my chest hurt. I've only loved one person like that in my life. Now I have two more, and it feels like too damn much to bear.
"I got scared," I say now that she's turned around to look at me. "I threw a fit like a little kid. You ever throw a fit like that?"
Lula nods, but I can't imagine her freaking out like I did.
"I cry too much," she says.
"No. You're little. I cried when I was little. Now I don't cry. I just yell and bang stuff."
Lula doesn't know what to think. She was safe at Darby's house. I brought her here, promised a lot of nice things, and got her hopes up. Then I scared the shit out of her and made her mom cry. Yeah, I wouldn't know what to think either.
"Remember the boy at the McDonald's play area?" I ask and she nods. "He was freaking out and screaming, but I think he was just scared. Little kids like that don't understand how they'll get to come back. He probably thought once he went home, he'd never get to play again. That's how little kids think. Well I'm not a little kid, but I got scared about things with your mom. I threw a fit like a baby. Now I'm thinking straight, and I'm not going to throw any more fits."
When Lula looks at me for a long time, I'm nervous she won't ever trust me again. She'll see a jackass like Wolfman every time she looks at me.
"Everyone gets scared," she says finally.
"You forgive me?"
I know I'm putting way too much pressure on a child, but I need her to see me as a good guy again.
Lula nods. "Can we still live here?"
"You can stay as long as you want. If your mom hates me, I'll leave and you guys can stay. This is your home."
Lula looks at the tree then back at me. "I don't want you to leave."
"I don't want to leave, but maybe your mom needs me to. If she does, that's okay, because I was a real brat yesterday. We want your mom to be happy."
"Mom likes you. She doesn't want you to go."
"Okay," I say, hoping she's right. "We better eat before our food gets soggy."
Smiling, Lula eats like she's told. If all kids were as easy as her, I'd have a dozen. Hell, I say jump, and she doesn't even ask how high. She just obeys. Of course, she might be saving up all her rebellion for puberty.
I'm dealing with the horrors of imagining a teenage Lula when Bebe stumbles out of the bedroom.
"Lula, you should wake me up," she says, avoiding my gaze.
"You were tired."
Bebe smiles at her little girl then reality catches up. We're eating. Folgers is fed. All is good.
"I have to get ready for work," Bebe says, walking to the coffee pot. "Thanks for making coffee."
Bebe's talking to me, yet her tone and demeanor says she's only going through the motions since Lula is in the room. I wonder if she would ignore me otherwise.
Leaving Lula drinking the milk from her cereal, I join Bebe in the kitchen. I wish I could touch her. I especially love her sleepy eyes.
"Instead of taking Lula to Darby's today, why not leave her home with me?"
Bebe says nothing then gives me a side-glance. "Why?"
"I'll be home since the cleaning lady comes today. Why get her all bundled up when she can lounge around here?"
"She can play with the other kids at Darby's."
"If she stays here, she can play with me. You know, since I'm acting like a little kid with my tantrums and shit."
Bebe doesn't smile at my lame joke. She finally looks at me, and I see her weighing her options. A part of her doesn't trust me. Another part of her knows Lula likes staying home where it's quiet.
"Will you give her lunch at eleven and put her down for a nap by twelve, just like if she went to Darby's?"
"Yeah. We'll play out back with Folgers. That'll wear her out."
Holding my gaze, Bebe asks what she's really wondering, "Why?"
I want to bullshit her but decide to be honest instead. "I thought I lost you two last night. Lula forgave me, and I want her to know I'm not the dickhead from yesterday. I need her to like me again."
Her gaze softening, Bebe nods. "She loves you, Pax. You're the closest she's had to a father. If you can't handle that, you need to be honest with yourself and us."
"I love her too. I love that she's smart and sweet. I love that she laughs so easy. I love how she stares at the Christmas tree like it's magic. She's my kid in here," I say, touching my chest. "I'm not letting Wolfman near her. Or you."
Bebe's expression is unreadable. She looks like she wants to kiss me. I wish she would, but she doesn't. Her heart still hurts from what I said to her in this very kitchen less than twenty-four hours earlier. Bebe is no fool, and she knows words are cheap. I need to earn back her trust.
Maybe I've regained a bit already, because she agrees to leave Lula home with me. I'm one step closer to where I need to be.
30
Bebe
Slow Train to Pitytown
I move through my day as if sleepwalking. The hotel is busy with guests checking out, and I clean steadily from one room to another. The repetitive work allows me to dig deeper into myself.
I remember when I was a teenager enjoying pizza night with Mom and Sabine. Missing them both now, I smile at how often we laughed. We were the Three Musketeers for so long, but now Mom is dead and I pray Sabine has only run off.
My mind is on Lula as a bab
y when I see Virginia and her friends in the pool. They're laughing and splashing each other. Like normal women my age, they want to have fun before the serious parts of their lives begin. They're free in a way I can't be because of Lula. Waving back at Virginia, I have no regrets. Lula makes me laugh like my mom and sister did. With her, life has meaning.
Imagining my baby spending the day with Pax, I wonder what they do together. Does he let her eat candy and watch TV? The last time I left them alone, Pax claimed they watched educational shows and practiced their letters. He even said Lula was teaching him to read. Even though I laughed, he probably wasn't kidding. She's smarter than us both.
By the time I return home, I don't know how I feel about Pax. I love and miss him. I crave his arms around me and his cock in my body. I need him to love me and protect Lula and me. I want all the good stuff, but I fear him now.
Pax might love me, but he might be incapable of loving me right. While I grew up with a single mom working as a prostitute, Pax's childhood was worse. He bounced around with only another child to keep him sane. Now Ford has a new family, and Pax thinks he needs one too.
Maybe all he needs is to exist without Ford for a while and be his own man. Learn more about himself as Pax rather than as part of the Ford-and-Pax duo. Sure, the brothers live down the block from each other and they work together. They'll never really be apart. For Pax though, the separation could help him grow into a man capable of being a husband and father one day.
The house smells like French fries, and I find McDonald's wrappers in the trash. Folgers follows me to where Pax sleeps on the couch. His face is covered with one arm while the other arm hangs off the couch. His long frame looks uncomfortable, and I dodge his feet hanging off the end.
Nearly hidden under her Strawberry Shortcake blanket, Lula fell asleep with the TV playing quietly.
Returning to the living room, I think to wake up Pax. He's tired, and I'm not ready to talk, so I let him sleep. Feeling restless, I take Folgers for a walk. We walk half a block before I spot Ford in his driveway, working on his bike. Noticing me, he nods. His expression warms when he sees Folgers.
Leaving man and dog to bond, I walk a few blocks over to pick up chicken and rice for dinner. I want to make something Mom used to cook for us on weekends. My heart hurts today, and I miss her more than I have since Lula was born.
Ford isn't outside when I return to his house. Based on the time, Shay is likely picking up her brothers from school. I walk the rest of the way home while thinking about the upcoming holidays.
The scent of frying onions and chicken stirs Pax, but he doesn't wake until I have the rice on the stove. His expression when he sits up is like a kid late for school. I hide my smile as he shakes off the sleep.
"You're home," Pax says because he wants to say something.
"Folgers is at Ford's."
"Why?"
"He said he missed his favorite Reed boy, and I refuse to argue with a dog."
Still half asleep, Pax frowns. "What?"
"I walked to the store and dropped him off with Ford. I think your brother misses the dog."
"Good. I like when he suffers."
"No, you don't."
Pax leans against the counter and studies me. "No, I guess I don't. Watcha making?"
"A casserole my mom made us. It'll be done soon."
Pax leans over to see what I've cooked. Then his gaze studies my face. He's standing too close, and I can barely breathe.
He opens his mouth to speak but changes his mind. His fingers caress my cheeks, wrapping loose hair behind my ear. I stare into his eyes and wish he would kiss me even if I really don't want him to kiss me. I'm all fucked up inside. I both crave and hate him right now.
Lula plays the perfect diversion when she comes shuffling out of her room. She makes a beeline for the bathroom. Stepping away from Pax, I order my brain to take control.
"When did you eat?" I ask.
"We went through the drive-thru at eleven and had her in bed by twelve. Just like her pretty mommy wanted."
Nodding curtly, I fight to be indifferent. I'm succeeding too, until my damn pussy spasms once he leans over and kisses the top of my head.
"Mom!" Lula cries, hurrying out of the bathroom while still tugging at her sweatpants. "We went to McDonald's."
"I saw that. Did you get chicken nuggets?"
Lula smiles up at me like she's won the damn lottery. I love her smile and return it despite my moodiness.
"Can I help?" she asks, looking at the food.
Pax pulls a chair over, and she carefully climbs up. I help her stir the chicken and chopped onions.
"I want to be Tallulah," she announces while stirring the barely simmering water for the rice.
"Why?" I ask.
When Pax backs off a little, I wonder if he's convinced my baby that her name sucks. He's never kept it a secret how much he hates Lula.
"We practice the letters on my wall. I have a lot of them in my name, and I want to use them."
"Okay, baby," I say, flashing a dirty look at Pax, who shrugs.
"You named her Tallulah," he reminds me.
"Yeah."
Pax tugs at Lula's ear. "Maybe Mom should go by Babette?"
"No, I'm good," I say before my daughter can answer. "My mom didn't like the name Babette. She named me that to make her mom happy. She always called me Bebe, and I want to be Bebe. Thanks though."
Pax narrows his eyes. "Are you challenging me?"
I frown darkly before realizing he's fucking with me. "I know you're dealing with a lot of emotions lately. Loneliness, rejection, loneliness. I don't want to do anything to make you cry."
Lula looks at Pax and pats his chest. "Don't be sad."
I laugh at Pax's expression. As much as he wants to fuck with me, Lula is worried about him now. Her gaze is on Pax while I flip him off.
"Nice," he grumbles. "Dinner smells good."
"Thanks. Once the rice is done, I mix it with the meat and onions then add cheese and put it in the oven. The cheese melts then we eat. My mom made it for us a lot, but she used peppers too."
"I don't like peppers."
"You eat them on your pizza."
"Ford's idea."
"He doesn't live here, so why not order what you like?"
"I'm set in my ways."
"Oh, to be elderly."
Holding my gaze, Pax strips me bare with his eyes. My breasts feel heavy, and my nipples reach out to him like two betraying bitches.
I pry my focus from his hypnotic blue eyes long enough to add the instant rice to the now boiling water. Lula watches me intently, wanting to learn. She's so happy right now, and I pray she'll always smile so much.
When I look up, I catch Pax watching Lula too. He's scared by his love for her. Ford is older and strong. Loving him isn't so terrifying, but Lula is so fragile.
Once the casserole is in the oven, we prepare the table for a family dinner. Pax carries Lula around, turning her into an airplane whenever she needs something closer to the ground. I watch them play and feel worse about my situation. At his best, Pax is fucking perfect. At his worst, Pax terrifies me.
"You're my John Travolta," I say when we sit down for dinner.
"Who?"
"From that movie with the talking baby. The guy is really good with the kid, and the mom falls for him even though they make no sense together."
"I don't watch talking baby movies. I also don't watch movies where one character dies and the rest cry a lot. You should keep that in mind when you pick our next movie."
Grinning, I poke at my food. "My mom's casserole tasted better."
"My mom made us hot dogs. Best damn hot dogs on the planet."
"Really?"
Smiling, Pax shakes his head. "Nope. She always put them in the microwave for too long. They'd split up and burn at the ends."
Lula smiles at both of us, not understanding how Pax's mom is a loser. She just likes that we're talking about moms. In her young mind
, her family is happy. Maybe soon she'll be right, but tonight my heart still hurts, and my brain is telling me Pax will never be ready for the kind of commitment he thinks he wants.
31
Bebe
Just a Kiss
The evening is awkward. Before his blowup, Pax and I cuddled while Tallulah got sleepy watching a movie. Tonight, I keep her squarely between us. Noticing the separation, Pax looks at me like I'm the devil. I ignore his frown at first, but he won't let up. I finally flip him off, and he gives me a begrudging smile.
Ford arrives at the house around nine to drop off Folgers. I take this opportunity to put Tallulah to bed. Since she wants to sleep in her own room, I stay with her and watch cartoons until she dozes off. My plan is to sneak into the bathroom before hurrying to the bedroom, while Pax and Ford do their brotherly bonding routine. Once Tallulah's eyes remain closed, I haul ass to the bathroom.
Makeup removed, pajamas on, and teeth brushed, I hurry for the safety of my bedroom. I never reach the door.
When Pax blocks my path, I try to push past him. He effortlessly pins me to the wall.
"F U C K off."
"I don't want a lot from life," he whispers, studying my breasts then my face. "Just a kiss."
"No."
"You miss me inside you."
Pax's gaze undresses me, tearing away all my defenses. I feel naked now, exposed to his every desire. I fucking hate how my body betrays me.
As powerless as I am to his hunger, he isn't so powerful against me either.
I lower my gaze to study his broad chest. Inhaling, I draw his gaze to my tits. When I suck at my bottom lip, Pax zeros in on the gesture. He's breathing faster now, and I know he misses being inside me.
"No," I say, staring into his eyes. "You turned on me last time I trusted you."
"I'm stupid in a lot of ways…"
"Yeah."
Pax rolls his eyes before focusing them back on my lips. "I learn from my fuck-ups and don't make the same ones again."
"So you'll break my heart in some other way," I mutter even as my fingers tease the skull tattoo around his arm.
"I might not be the best man for you," he says, "but I am your man. You know that. It's why you want me to kiss you. I fucked up, but you want to give me another chance."