by Bijou Hunter
Staring into his eyes, I struggle not to give in right this very moment. I miss him too much to bear, but it's been barely a day.
"I'm scared you'll hurt me again. I'm not ready to trust you."
"Just a kiss. You're strong enough for a kiss."
Pax isn't wrong, and I really want to kiss him. He leans down and waits to see if I'll stop him. When I don't, his lips spread over mine and devour my breath.
Even missing the feel of his body against mine, I refuse to wrap my arms around him. I only grip his forearms and wish he hadn't hurt me. Desperate for the fairytale, I need to trust him. Pax might be a scary fucker to most people, but he's my Prince Charming.
My mind swims and my body melts, but I stop him before we take the kiss farther.
"One kiss," I mumble, licking my lips.
Pax leans against the wall, keeping me pinned so I can't run. He sighs then kisses the top of my head.
"I'm going to get you back for real. I'll kiss you until you won't remember when I was an asshole."
"You've always been an A S S H O L E. It's sort of who you are."
Pax grins. "You must love that about me then."
I study him then wiggle free. "Yeah, I do find it pretty addictive, but not tonight."
"Soon though, right?"
Glancing at him over my shoulder, I find him looking as lost as I feel. He deserves to suffer, and I need to be strong. Yet we both crave finding our way back together. Seeing him hurting, I can't help giving him a little nod of encouragement. Pax smiles at my small gesture and watches me disappear into my room.
32
Pax
Cuddly Teddy Bear
Bebe's kiss gets me through a tense night. After breakfast, she relents to my request for another kiss before I head to the diner for a work breakfast. I try to make the kiss last as long as possible, but Bebe pushes me off before walking away. I might own her heart, but getting back in her bed wasn't happening anytime soon.
Breakfast with the club is dull with nothing except talk about the holidays. All the smiles and laughter are a lie, and I ignore everyone while eating. I remain unfocused until the batting cages with Ford.
Swinging the bat, I enjoy the cracking sound of impact. The morning is chilly, but I warm quickly by whacking at one ball after another. Right here, right now, my life feels easy. No longer am I a man with an angry woman and a scared kid at home. My life is again as simple as being Ford's little brother and doing what we do whenever there's time to waste.
In the cage next to mine, Ford stops before I do. By the time I turn off the machine, my brother is sitting on a picnic table checking his phone. He seems different lately. More grown up, which is stupid since we stopped being kids over a decade ago. Despite the ages on our IDs, we lived like teen boys for years. Up all night, drinking and smoking pot, starting fights when we were bored, banging chicks without even pretending we wanted a date. We were free, and I loved that life. I might miss it too, but I can never give up Bebe and Lula. Not even in exchange for the best day Ford and I spent free.
"Damn, it's cold out," he says when I sit next to him.
"You're getting old."
Ford grins. "You're so adorable in love. Like a teddy bear with a heart tummy."
"Eat shit."
Ford pokes my stomach then frowns. "I thought you'd giggle when I did that. You know, like the fucking bear from the laundry commercials."
"You're pushing things, asshead."
"You deserve all the teasing and more. I put up with too much shit when Shay came into my life."
"I still think she's using you for your cock. I doubt she can even stand listening to you talk."
"Bebe told everyone that she's using you while she builds up her savings to get a place of her own."
"Fuck off."
Ford laughs then keeps laughing until I punch him. He shoves me off the bench then laughs again.
"Wanna throw down?" I ask, wiping gravel from my jeans. "I can take you, old man."
"Sit down and shut up."
I never know why I do what he says. I just do.
Ford sighs. "What happens when she forgives you?"
"I'll have my woman back. That's what."
"You keep wanting to make shit easy then you freak the fuck out when it's complicated. Little bro, this thing with Bebe will never be easy. You'll be stressed and you'll feel overwhelmed, but you can't lose your shit. You need to grow the fuck up."
"Eat shit."
Ford grins. "I'm planning to send Shay and the boys out of town the day after Christmas. She's already packing stuff. I'm going to tell people she's visiting her mom in Florida, but I'm looking for another place. Somewhere she can stay if I don't make it through this thing. I need to know she's safe and the boys will go to a good school."
I glance back nervously at a shuffling sound but find only leaves scratching against the concrete.
"You got all this shit planned out, huh?" I mutter to Ford.
"I want to send Bebe and Lula with them. That way if we die, they can watch out for each other. If one of us makes it out, we'll take care of them."
Thinking of Bebe and Shay together is a better outcome than them scared and alone. "Okay."
Ford nods, probably relieved I don't ask a million questions.
"I'm figuring out where to send them. I want somewhere small, but not too small. A place where money will go a long way, so they can live off our savings for years. I want them away from Arkansas, so Wolfman or Trigger will never find them."
"Sounds good."
"I'm not planning to die here," Ford says, standing up. "If Joker goes down early, I'm not dying just to make a point. Without him, we're fucked. Madden might be solid. He might be able to take out his dad and shove everyone out and be our president, but I don't trust him. I'm not going to war for him. I could've ditched Little Memphis when we found out Trigger was pulling his shit. We stayed for Joker and Lucky and our guys. Not Madden or to get our asses buried in the quarry. We're fighting for our friends, but I refuse to put my woman and boys into danger."
"I'll talk to Bebe tonight."
Ford gives me a little smile, and I realize he's been worrying for a while.
"Lucky was hinting he'll send Jenn and the kids away closer to New Year. I think that might be too late. I don't trust Trigger when he tells Madden the plan is to wait on Joker until after the holidays. While he probably trusts Madden, Trigger can't wait that long. He's nervous. It's why he smiled so much at breakfast this morning. Every day he lets Joker live is another day the tables could turn."
"Let's go after Trigger before Christmas then."
"I would if it was me, but Joker isn't calling all the shots. He's waiting on Madden and Ginger. Stuck between two sides that don't really give a shit about him. That puts him in a bad place."
"And we're standing next to him, ready to get killed based on a lot of maybes."
"You want to run?"
Shaking my head, I can't take the coward's way out. "Joker put his ass out there to bring us into the club. Now we'll put our asses on the line for him."
Ford sighs. "You don't have to stay. I can watch Joker's back, and you take the girls and kids out of here."
"Yeah, I'll just ditch my brother and friends and run off to somewhere sunny. Asshole."
"Don't cry, turd. I was just giving you an out because of all the love and shit I feel deep inside for you."
"I think I'm gonna punch you."
"Yeah, but it won't hurt. That's why I taught you to use a bat."
Laughing, I swing at him, but he moves easily out of the way. We take our bats to the Harleys then look around at the shitty cold day. Not so long ago, I could easily ditch Little Memphis and the club, if it meant saving my ass and protecting my family. Those days are over.
33
Bebe
Cum-Receptacle
Maggie is a good-looking chick. I really wish she were a dog so I could feel superior, but she has a banging bod and bouncy blo
nde hair. Hating women for being hot and slutty isn't my policy. I'd seen too many people do that to my mom, sister, aunt, grandma, and friends. Yes, the whole prostitute thing led to many judgmental stares and whispering.
At the pharmacy to pick up Devin's asthma medicine, Shay and I spot Maggie in the feminine hygiene aisle. I don't know why I stop to study her except I'm curious.
"I'm going to talk to her," I tell Shay, who shakes her head.
"Let's jump her."
"Says the girl with weak upper body strength."
Shay throws her head back and laughs. She's in a great mood tonight. Of course, her man didn't try to bang Maggie a few days ago.
"I want to F U C K I N G humanize her."
"Lame."
Shay follows me to where Maggie looks at tampons. I doubt ganging up on a chick who's on the rag is a smart idea, but I can't stop myself.
"Hey, Maggie," I say as friendly as I can.
Her face scrunches into a frown, making her less hot. I appreciate this fact immediately.
"What do you want?"
"I thought I'd say hi."
"Why?" she asks, suspicious now.
"I wanted to get to know you."
Narrowing her eyes, she asks again. "Why?"
"She's curious why you're a whore," Shay says, and I roll my eyes.
Maggie glares at us, so I put on my happy face. "Pax told me that you were kinda nice the other night when he was in his A S S H O L E mode. Like you gave him good advice."
"I was willing to fuck him. Did he tell you that?"
"Yeah," I grunt. "You're not making me want to F U C K I N G like you."
"What do I care if you like me?"
Shay twirls her keys in what I suspect is an aggressive move. "Bitches like you should be worried about making bitches like us mad."
"Why would you want us to hate you?" I ask when she glares at Shay.
"I don't care either way."
"Do you like being a club W H O R E?"
"Yeah," Shay says, putting away her keys. "You're hot enough to get a man for real, so why be a cum-receptacle for a bunch of married guys?"
Maggie crosses her arms and glares at us. "You're fucking with me."
"Under different circumstances, I could see myself in your place," I explain.
"You really think you're better off?"
"Yeah, totally," Shay says, and I nod.
"They'll cheat on you," Maggie mutters. "All of them do."
"You're pleasant," I say. "So don't you want a real relationship?"
"What makes you think I don't have a boyfriend?"
"What kind of man wants his chick fucking guys at work?" Shay says.
"You were a stripper."
"And I never banged anyone at work. It wasn't even a hard decision either."
"I like bikers."
"So do I, but I got mine to put a ring on it," Shay says, flashing her ring.
I grin at her then focus on Maggie. "I didn't come over here to be a B I T C H."
"Yet here you are."
"I wanted to get to know you and see you as a person. If it helps, I'm thinking of you less as a W H O R E and more as a B I T C H now."
Maggie rolls her eyes and grabs a box of tampons. "Look, Pax didn't cheat on you, and that means something. Not that he'll love you forever or any romantic shit like you're thinking. It just means you got him all wrapped up for now. I'm happy for you. But you should know that if you two don't work out and he wants to bang me, I won't say no. He's a good fuck, and I'm not looking for anything more."
"He is really good," I say to Shay, who pretends to puke. "Well, good luck with the club W H O R E thing. I hope you find a man one day that doesn't just want to F U C K you. Someone nice who thinks you're funny."
"She's not funny though," Shay says immediately.
"To us, but for the right guy, she will be. He'll think she's perfect, and he won't just use her as a C U M-receptacle."
Shay smiles. "That's sweet."
"Everyone has someone out there. It's just about finding them and beating them into submission."
Hitching up her purse, Maggie steps past us. "That's romantic, Bebe. Tell ya what. The next time someone is talking shit about you at Suede, I won't join in."
"You're good people," I call out to her.
"She really isn't."
"Or maybe she is and she just hides it really F U C K I N G well."
"No."
"Probably, but I feel like if I can get past hating the C U N T then I can stop thinking about her with Pax. I need to stop feeling like S H I T. I want to forgive him."
"You miss getting laid," Shay teases as we stand in the pharmacy pickup line.
"I really do. He was so good at it. I'd say it was all the practice he got, but Howie F U C K E D a bunch of chicks and he wasn't good."
"I really don't like thinking of Pax and sex. Makes me pukey."
Sighing, I remain quiet for a few minutes while she pays for her order. Once we're heading out the door, I think about the way Pax looked at me before I left.
"I love him so much, but what if he breaks my heart?"
"Then we kill him and bury him in the backyard. I'll bring the shovel."
Laughing, I bump her as we reach the car. Despite our good moods, we're hyper-alert to our surroundings. Little Memphis has always been dangerous and full of random thugs. These days though, we can't even trust people we know.
34
Pax
Stop the Damn Twitching
I'm pissed by the time Ford and I run down the fucker Ginger sends us after. Why are we playing errand boys for a pimp? All I know is she snaps and Joker jumps. Then he turns around and snaps, so we're jumping. This shit has me in a rage by the time we locate the dickhead.
Ricie twitches a lot, and I smack him until he's barely conscious.
"Stop," Ford grunts at me when the guy finally passes out. "You're prolonging this shit, turd."
"Fuck off, penis face."
"You think about my dick a lot, don't you, little brother?"
Laughing, I swing my bat at him, but he leans out of the way. Joker and Lucky enter the wrecked classroom.
"Anything?"
"What is this guy supposed to know?"
"About Tiny Dick."
"Every time we say 'dick,' he giggles, and I'm forced to hit him again."
"Life is all kinds of difficult for you, isn't it, Homerun?" Lucky teases.
"Why is everyone picking on me?"
"Easy target."
The four of us look down at Ricie, waiting for his brain to click on.
"Why, man?" he asks finally. "I don't even know you bros."
I glance at Joker. "See what he's like?"
"Ask him what he saw at the quarry."
Behind us, Madden leans against the door pane. He's wearing a hat over his dark, wavy hair like he's undercover.
"What about the quarry?" Ford asks, kicking Ricie's foot.
"Oh, man, I don't want to think about that."
"Save the drama bullshit and spill what you know, or I'm having him pound on you again."
Ricie looks at me then nods. "I saw them fucking up this guy. They were cutting him all up. He was screaming, so they shoved dirt in his mouth. No, it was gravel. He couldn't breathe, and maybe that killed him. I think he was gonna die anyway when they cut open his chest."
Madden steps into the room. "He doesn't know the guy they killed, but I bet he knows the ones who did it."
"Who killed him?" Ford asks, since Ricie apparently can't hear Madden a few feet away.
"Ah, man, he won't like no one talking about his business. He always says he don't like people ratting on him. How he hates that and it makes him take out his knife. I don't want him taking out his knife on me."
"Sounds like half of the guys in Little Memphis," I mutter.
Ford leans on Ricie's foot again. "Say the name, or we'll take out our knives."
The guy's eyes go in two different directions, and I wond
er if he might be having a seizure. Realizing he's just thinking, I feel smarter just by being near him.
"Zombie."
The room goes quiet like we all stopped breathing for a few minutes. I look at Ford, who shows nothing on his face. Joker is always cool. Lucky though looks like someone punched him.
"What the fuck?" he says to Madden.
"Not in front of the dipshit."
"What do we do with him?"
"He can't leave or else he'll snitch. If it makes killing him easier, I heard he beats his elderly mom and steals her Social Security checks."
Madden walks out, probably too soft to see the violence. Before I glance back at Ricie, Ford has brought down his bat. I hear a crack, and the guy stops twitching.
"Does this feel like a setup?" I ask Ford.
"Yeah, but what's the point?"
We follow Joker down the hallway and find Madden a few rooms down. He isn't alone.
Ginger looks smaller in the light of day. Her hair is hidden under a hat, but I don't think it's red like I assumed. She's wearing a jacket and jeans. In her lap rests a pistol, but her focus is on the lollipop in her mouth.
"Big Dick didn't think taking out Joker was a good idea," Madden says when we walk in. "He thought the club needed an older president if Dad died. He didn't think I was ready."
"So Trigger killed his kid?" Joker asks, seeming unconvinced.
Ginger pulls the lollipop from her lips. "Tiny Dick was a loser. He couldn't control shit on the West Side. Pimps pushed him around. Dealers paid late. No one respected him. He thought he was in love with a teen hooker and spent most of his time following her around to make sure she was safe. It was cute until she actually got roughed up by a couple of competing girls. When he stepped in, they kicked his ass. The guy was big, but he fought for shit."
Joker rubs the back of his neck. "So Trigger kills a weak link and gets his buddy Big Dick on board in one move."
"Why not just fucking tell us this?" Ford asks Ginger and Madden.
Ginger smiles from behind her mirrored glasses. "No one ever believes me. If I say Zombie killed Tiny Dick, you'd think I was fucking with you. Now you know I'm not."
"When did you know?" Joker asks.