Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  Chapter Three

  ‘We need to go!’

  The incessant shouting from the bottom of the stairs was only adding to my annoyance. I was late home after my last visit of the day had taken longer than I’d expected because a sixteen-year-old in foster care had chosen to go missing on the one day I needed to finish work on time.

  ‘I’m nearly ready!’ I shouted back at Mum excitedly. My brother and his wife had just allowed me to add aunty to the list of the greatest things to happen in my life so far.

  We arrived at the hospital with a bundle of blue It’s a Boy balloons bobbing and trailing behind us. The cubicle barely fit the baby, let alone the bodies and all the presents and flowers that had landed behind the curtain screening us from the crying baby and tearful mother. I had to wait in line behind both sets of grandparents to hold Alex for the first time. Apparently, aunty was way down in the ranks when it came to the new baby holding rota, but when it was my turn, I instantly fell in love.

  Alex was beautiful. He was wrapped up in blue stripy blankets. Only his face was visible through the bulk, which was adorable, scrunched up, and red. I Immediately felt an overwhelming desire to protect the boy in my arms from anything in the world that would dare to harm him. I stroked my finger across his soft eyebrows and gently rocked him.

  ‘You’re a natural,’ Mum said as she beamed with pride. It was a perfect family moment for us.

  On the way home from the hospital, I wondered if I would ever experience the euphoria of holding a newborn child for the first time. Would I ever feel that joy myself?

  ‘Everything OK?’ she asked.

  I felt small and childlike as I rode in the back of the car with my parents up front, chewing on my nails and breaking out in an anxious sweat.

  ‘Just thinking,’ I said, my thumb blocking clear speech. ‘Do you think that will ever happen to me? You know, will I ever become a mum?’

  ‘You can have anything you want, but only if you want it bad enough,’ she replied, her eyes firmly on the road ahead.

  I retreated to the quiet space of my bedroom, and in an attempt to calm the chaos, I closed my eyes, sank back into the warmth of my pillows, and inserted my earbuds, losing myself in music. For the first time in months, I allowed myself to question my future. I was nowhere near to finding my soul mate, if that even existed. I was nowhere near the stage in my life where I could even consider having my own family, let alone plan it.

  I could hear the faint tick-tock of what could only be my biological clock, which had been set with a countdown alarm the minute I held Alex in my arms.

  For many years, I purposely didn’t allow myself to think of the future. My hopes, dreams and wishes had long since been buried under the need to help others.

  A wonderful façade for my crumbling internal optimism.

  Today changed that and made me question why I had buried those feelings. I didn’t need to bury them anymore. I deserved the fairy tale. I wanted spine-tingling, goosebumping, toe-curling, and heart-shaking love.

  I was a master at daydreaming. Quite simply, I was a cloud walker. I didn’t have enough fingers or toes to count the amount of times I’d bumped into someone when I had my head in a good book as I walked to the tram. I often ended up with a coffee stain down my shirt and third degree burns as I slammed into a cup wielding hand when recounting a great movie or imagining how the great romance of my life would play out. I always pictured a tall dark handsome man who was sweet and romantic and adored me both in and out of the bedroom. There were times when I had even imagined Luke as the perfect man—the one who would sweep me off my feet and accept all of my flaws. I felt time slipping away, and I had used my career as an excuse for avoiding finding love. Stock answers for difficult questions were always ready and prepared.

  I’m too dedicated to my role.

  I’ve been busy studying.

  I finally have my dream job and I don’t need any distractions.

  All lies. A smokescreen to distract people from the truth. I was fearful of the pain, fearful of rejection. If I didn’t fall in the first place, I wouldn’t experience the crush if it all went wrong.

  Putting my pillow over my face, I screamed into it, sighing afterwards as I imagined my parents coming upstairs to find me in the foetal position, silently rocking in the corner. I was suffocating. Sitting up, I looked at the reflection staring back at me. The girl in the mirror was frightened. Frightened of the future. Frightened of making the changes necessary to live the life she wanted.

  Earlier that evening, I called Abi and our friends Gem and Kate. When they’d agreed to meet me at Gem’s house, I let out a held breath I didn’t even realise I had been holding on to.

  Gem had met her husband at college and they’d married young. She was pregnant within the first few months of marriage and baby number two arrived almost exactly two years after her first. Unfortunately, they separated a few months ago when she discovered her husband was cheating with a waitress from the restaurant he managed. He had always worked late because of the nature of his job, but late nights turned into early morning, and early mornings turned into glib messages about why he hadn’t made it home at all. Her suspicions were confirmed when she found a card addressed to the love of my life in his briefcase. She called me up sobbing, and as all good friends would do, Abi and I donned baseball caps and sunglasses to stalk him, albeit from the safety of the car park of his restaurant. Gem snapped when two cars were left at the end of the night. She entered the restaurant in a rage and caught the waitress giving her husband a blow job in the wine cellar.

  He had the audacity to say she was sewing on a button that had come off his trousers at the same time as pushing his dick back inside his fly.

  She was a fantastic single mum and I had such admiration for her. I had known her since school. We gravitated towards each other on the first day, both looking scared and wide-eyed despite our only worries being how to tie our red striped school ties.

  Kate was a colleague who very quickly became a friend. We had bonded over a shared love of sausage rolls and Coldplay. She was my life guru, my sensible life adviser, and the only one of my friends who just seemed to have the destination of her life sussed.

  A less sensitive person would hate her, but I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I clung on to her Yoda-like wisdom, wobble-free body, and infuriatingly great hair. She was a sound social worker, and not only did I value her friendship, I also valued her ability to help me to reflect on challenging cases. When it came to friends, I chose well.

  ‘Elle, what’s wrong?’ Gem asked, concern written across her face. She looked drawn and tired after three years of sleep deprivation. Her recent heartbreak had added to the insomnia. She had remained strong for her boys, Theo and Brandon, and we had helped out as much as we could, but she was still fighting the inevitable what ifs and maybes that come after a relationship breakdown. It didn’t help that her youngest son had just come down with chickenpox and she’d only just settled him to sleep.

  I stood up triumphantly in an attempt to get their attention. ‘Ladies, I had a life changing moment today. An epiphany, if you will.’ They tried, but failed, to hide their smirks at my dramatic delivery.

  ‘Oh my God, you popped your cherry at last!’ Abi laughed as she jumped up and down, clapping her hands together like a demented seal.

  ‘I’m silently joining in with your happy dance because I’ve only just got Theo to sleep!’ Gem shouted in a mock whisper as Abi silenced herself by putting a finger to her mouth whilst pumping the air with her other fist.

  ‘No, no, no! I’m totally giving you the wrong idea,’ I sighed as Abi sat down in front of me, her legs crossed as she reached over to pick up her wine glass.

  ‘I’m going to need a bottle,’ she said through exaggerated groans. I laughed and playfully yet meaningfully punched her in the top of her arm.

  ‘I became an aunty today.’

  ‘That’s great news. I wondered when Sarah was going to pop. You’r
e going to be such a great aunty,’ Kate said.

  I was going to make a great aunty, so why did I feel like smashing my head on the table?

  I should have been feeling elated, but as I pulled in heavy breaths and bit my lip in a vain attempt to stop myself from crying, I did something I’d never done before. I gave myself permission to let the tears go. Feelings overtook thoughts, and I allowed myself to get lost in them. I needed a release. I felt like I had been holding my breath for years, treading water and only just surviving.

  I shook my head in a desperate attempt to take in air. The cold drops of water I felt trickling down my cheeks made me shiver. I felt Gem’s hand move across the middle of my back. She was trying to soothe me, but I didn’t like the feeling. It made me feel weak.

  ‘Isn’t becoming an aunty supposed to be a good thing?’ Kate asked, her brows knitting together in confusion.

  ‘It is a good thing,’ I replied, picking up my wine glass and taking a big sip. ‘I just want it to be me,’ I cried, trying desperately to hide my face behind my hands.

  ‘Stop crying. I hate to see you cry.’ Kate smiled as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear, wrapping her arms around my shoulders to offer comfort. Gem passed me a packet of tissues from her changing bag.

  When Gem first became pregnant, I felt tortuous feelings of jealousy. Outwardly, she was in a happy marriage with the man of her dreams and about to bring a new life into the world. At the time, she had everything I desired. She wasn’t afraid to grab the life she wanted with both hands. That’s why I was so jealous. She took risks, but love didn’t last for her. She had two beautiful children, but no one to share them with. I couldn’t understand how she could ever recover from the hurt. Had she lost faith in finding love? Or was the love of her children enough? How could life change so dramatically in the judder of a shaky heartbeat?

  Abi crawled towards me on her knees. ‘Get this woman another glass of wine.’ She gestured to Gem, who scuttled off to the kitchen. ‘You’re beautiful, Elle, but you have such an ugly arse crying face,’ she sniggered as she looked up at me. She never failed to lift my mood with her sassy comments.

  As she wiped the tears from my eyes, I began to explain my feelings. They were hard to put into words. I wanted love. I wanted a happy future. I wanted passion and excitement, but most of all, I wanted what everyone else had or had experienced in some pure form. I had been living my life but not feeling my life.

  ‘We need to get you a man,’ Abi said as she walked over to her coat hanging on the back of Gem’s sofa. I watched as she took her phone out of her pocket and started to swipe through her contact list. ‘Do you want to start off with a slow, loving man, or a fast, hard, well-endowed sex machine?’

  A gasp escaped my mouth as I realised what she was doing. ‘Abi, I don’t need your handouts or sloppy seconds, thanks. I’m not that desperate.’

  ‘Oh my God, what about Luke Simms?’ she asked as she pushed her shoulder into mine causing me to blurt out the laugh I had been holding in.

  ‘Luke Simms?’ Kate asked. ‘He’s fit, but his reputation precedes him, if you know what I mean.’

  ‘Don’t listen to her. She bumped into him the other day and now she has him pegged as my future husband.’

  ‘Not future husband. Future fuck. He’s not husband material,’ Abi said, shaking her head.

  They laughed as they discussed the benefits of having Abi road-test potential suitors first. I stayed quiet. I didn’t want my life to be treated as a joke. I dropped my head and immediately felt the warmth of my three friends as they knelt in front of me.

  Abi’s hand squeezed my knee as she nodded her head, telling me she knew I was not in the mood to be teased. I didn’t need smart comments or straight talk. I just needed the love and acceptance of my friends. They gave it to me in spades. ‘I think being open to relationships because you know what you want is a step in the right direction. You’re beautiful, funny and caring. Now you’ve decided to open up, you’ll have men falling at your feet.’

  Chapter Four

  It was one of those days. The type of day where you have a million and one things to do, but not enough time to fit them all in. That was pretty much written into the social work job description. Procrastinators need not apply…

  I was travelling across the city to collect three-year-old twins, Zahra and Zack, to take them to meet with their parents.

  ‘You’re looking particularly stressed today.’ Mrs Lyons laughed at me as I clattered up the path ten minutes late. She was an experienced foster carer. I knew her well as she’d cared for a number of children on my case list over the last year.

  ‘I know. I’ve got a lot to pack in today. How are they?’

  ‘They’re adorable, but a real handful.’ She jokingly mopped her brow with the back of her hand.

  After strapping both of them into their car seats and waving goodbye to Mrs Lyons, we headed towards the contact centre where their parents were waiting for them in the family room.

  I was standing by the doorway watching their interactions when I noticed a man sitting with his back to me speaking on his phone. I recognised the voice immediately. It was deep and smooth.

  It was Luke Simms.

  The sun shining through the overhead skylights caught his blond hair and created a halo effect around his head. I watched him as he rubbed his hand across his forehead. The phone conversation was obviously a difficult one. I was momentarily distracted by Abi waving to me at the end of the corridor.

  ‘Come in the staff room when you’re done,’ she shouted.

  Abi was covering contact sessions throughout the day, and I realised it would be a good opportunity to bide my time until Luke had finished his phone conversation.

  ‘I’ll be there in a sec.’

  Luke turned towards me when he heard my voice and our eyes connected for the first time in months. I had forgotten how handsome he was. He smiled and held up his hand to say hello, pointing to his phone and rolling his eyes. International hand symbol for ‘I wish I didn’t have to take this call.’ I shyly walked towards the staffroom door at the end of the corridor, knowing that I would have to pass Luke on the way. I smiled and looked to the floor, but not before I felt his eyes travelling across my body, lingering on my long legs and the curve of my behind.

  ‘Have you seen who’s here?’ Abi said as she nodded her head towards where Luke was sitting outside.

  I shrugged.

  ‘Have you spoken to him?’

  ‘He’s on the phone, Abi.’ My voice was an alarming mix of sarcasm and excitement.

  Disappointment flashed across her face as I sat down on the chair opposite her desk. I picked up a packet of mints, taking one and slipping it in my mouth.

  ‘Getting the breath nice and fresh. Good thinking, Batman,’ she teased, dramatically winking just to piss me off.

  ‘I’m going,’ I said, my voice purposely flat. She laughed as I flipped her the finger and left the room.

  I had an hour before I needed to pick up the twins. Knowing it wasn’t enough time to return to the office to get anything productive done, I took the opportunity to grab some lunch.

  Luke still had the phone to his ear when I walked down the corridor. He held his thumb up again. International hand symbol for Are you OK?

  I nodded and smiled as I hesitantly walked past him. But as I did, he grasped my hand and mouthed, ‘Can you wait?’

  I shook my head, unsteady from his touch, and walked to the end of the corridor, turning back to him and catching his heated gaze before I left in a wave of regret.

  I returned to the contact centre forty minutes later after grabbing a sandwich and browsing a few second hand bookshops; a rarity and a treat, as dinner breaks are normally non-existent in social work. I had talked myself into returning a more confident Elle, ready to return Luke’s gaze, but I was disappointed to find that he had left.

  The lure of finding first editions and my favourite wistful pastime of flicking to
the first page looking for handwritten inscriptions to past loves had taken too long. He had gone. I had missed the opportunity for us to catch up after taking forty minutes to grow some balls.

  After dropping the children back to their foster placement, I went back to the office and tried to put a brave face on my disappointment.

  It was eerily quiet. Everyone was out on home visits and my manager, Colin, was chairing case reviews all afternoon. The sunny smile that normally greeted me when I returned to the safety of the office was missed. I dropped my bag under the desk and picked up my favourite mug blazoned with the ironic I have nothing to wear written across the front in bright pink writing. Kate had put it on my desk with a scribbled note saying The fuck you do after raiding my wardrobe one night before going out on the town. I walked through to the staff room to make myself a much-needed cup of tea. Tea had the ability to solve everything.

  As I waited for the kettle to boil, I turned on my computer and found myself nervously tapping my nails on the desk as I thought about seeing Luke earlier. He looked so good bathed in the sunlight from the overhead windows. I wished I had stayed and talked to him, reconnecting our lost friendship and testing my bravery, but I had lost a perfect opportunity.

  As I scanned my emails, a thought landed in my mind with a thud. I knew the local authority I worked for had a shared address book, so I was able to make contact with any member of staff through this page. I hovered the mouse over Luke’s name, highlighting his email address and encouraging my stomach to drop like a brick and my cheeks to flush with a shade of embarrassment.

  Should I do this? Should I contact him? If I do, will he think I am a weird psycho stalker? He could report me. I could be sacked for sexual harassment.

  Elle, get a grip. It’s just an email.

  Biting my lip and scanning the empty room, I leant back on my chair. I knew I had to get some experience. What better way to start than by contacting an old friend? An old friend I felt comfortable with. An old friend who also happened to be super hot…